I found that darkness was more exposing than light.
Sat here in the obscurely lit room with faint streaks of light fluttering across the walls, I felt more honest here in the dark with Cassie than I did during my regular routine of getting through each arduous day. From smiling with Tabitha and face-timing Theo, neither of those moments felt like I was being half as genuine as I was now.
The light cast shadows that helped hide the truth, and so I grabbed the opportunity I had to linger in the light for as long as I could. My optimistic front, which Cassie had first met during the night, was merely the better part of me that I wished people were able to see. In my whirl of trying to remain in the light, I had dismissed any thought of ever revealing my flaws to Cassie – especially not in the room that had nursed me through days I had thought I would never see the end of.
However, this version of me, who I was when I was Will and defined by my cancer, was nothing but a ball of burning darkness I had been too ashamed of to reveal. I felt more exposed in the dark – more true to myself yet more vulnerable. In the dark I didn't have to switch between identities and struggle to appear like everything was okay; in the dark I could be myself and still be seen.
Yet in the light, I was loaded with medicines and pricked with needles for IV drips; heard but not listened to; looked at but not seen. In the light I was a star that burned and burned until I burnt out, still trying to fan the flames and keep the embers glowing when all that was left were mere ashes.
Cassie saw me in the dark and still chose to stay; the same way I had seen her in the dark and discovered a part of myself that I hadn't been allowing myself to accept. Sat in the dark with Cassie while theorising about what it meant to 'live for the dead people', I couldn't help but feel a sanguine smile stretching across my lips at the irony of it all.
Earlier tonight, I had told Cassie that darkness could exist alongside light: it was possible to have both sadness and happiness together, the same way the dark sky and stars could interact and not cancel each other out. But, it was now as she smiled back at me - the recurring thought of wanting to tell her I loved her ringing in my head – that I comprehended how we both carried darkness and light.
We were just two broken kids unable to see the light reflecting off our fragments; too entrapped in the darkness enshrouding us to see that the shattered shards were sparkling as they fell, emitting soft rays of silent hope.
We could see the light shining in the other; but as for our own?
We both seemed to think we were incapable of being saved, and yet all the two of us wanted to do was help the other save themselves. Her hazel eyes seemed to glow with an ethereal beauty as she looked at me, yet she would never believe that was true; she described me as a light that made the darkness bearable, but I would never be able to comprehend how she could view me that way.
Maybe it was happiness; maybe it was love; maybe it was the sense of belonging and acceptance that felt so unfamiliar as her hand held onto mine, but when the two of us were together the darkness didn't seem so... dark, anymore.
The darkness didn't seem so secretive and deprecating; rather, it embraced us, invited us in and told us it was okay to come as we were with all our blemishes and flaws. It was exposing, stripping us bare of all the lies and omissions we retained, and revealing all our truths in the hopes that we could learn we were loveable and accepted and seen – exactly for the very things we were so afraid of letting others know about us.
"You're just... incredible, you know that right?" I found myself wondering aloud, my smile widening as Cassie's head ducked down, shaking her head to herself as a light pink hue crossed her cheeks. The thought had barely registered in my mind before I had spoken it aloud, but she made the darkness feel like a home, and I wanted to be more honest with her instead of withholding all the things I knew I shouldn't say.
"I told you I don't like compliments, Romeo," she brushed off my words, the corners of her lips pulling into a bashful smile as her hazel gaze flitted up to meet mine.
"I thought you wanted me to be honest?" I teased, a chuckle slipping through my lips as she narrowed her eyes at me. "Because now that I've started saying the truth... maybe I might just carry on."
A tint of curiosity glinted in her emerald eyes at my words, and I momentarily lost my train of thought as the corners of her lips pulled upwards slowly, while the fading blush across her cheeks seemed to reignite as her gaze flickered down from mine. "What is it that you need to be honest about?"
"A couple of things," I mused vaguely, smiling as she sent me a pointed look. "But since we are still technically on a date, I have a question I want to ask - and if I'm honest, I should have asked you this much earlier. It would have made things a lot easier if I'd just said it when I first wanted to."
Cassie's eyebrows were narrowed slightly as I rambled on, avoiding actually saying what the question was as a wave of second-guessing washed over me. It wasn't necessarily a big deal, but it was the implications of the question that made me apprehensive to ask, still unused to being selfish and acting without pondering over every possible way it might affect others.
I reached onto the table to retrieve my phone, seeing a handful of recent texts from Theo that I paid no mind to as I unlocked my phone and went to my contacts. "I don't want today to be the end of our beginning, Cass, and when we were apart today I realised that I had no way to contact you. So..."
I handed her my phone, tentative with my actions as I spoke, "Could I get your number?"
She glanced up at me briefly while she nodded with a soft smile, the rosy haze across her cheeks deepening as she kept her focus on the phone screen and typed in her number. The glow from the screen seemed to illuminate the different shades of browns and greens in her eyes, and I couldn't bring myself to tear my gaze away from her when she seemed so picturesque, an enthralling vision that I didn't want to sacrifice a second looking away from.
"All done," she handed the phone over to me, her contact nearly completed except for the missing name. "I texted myself as well, so I have yours too."
Without a second of hesitation, I saved her under the name Juliet before my attention diverted over to her phone screen, feeling my heart constrict in an oddly warming way as I realised that she had saved me in her contacts as Romeo too. It was as though the two of us were solidifying the truth, acknowledging now that regardless of whatever Fate had in store for us we would have a way to find each other.
"I don't get why you felt you would be selfish to ask that, though," Cassie commented, her tone inquiring as her gaze raised from the phone screen to meet mine. "If we both... if we both care about each other, then why shouldn't we stay in contact?"
"I feel selfish for being here with you right now, Cass," I sighed, a wry smile crossing my lips as I shrugged. "I felt selfish holding your hand, hugging you, talking to you, laughing with you, spending all that time with you – even just looking at you."
"Why, though?" she pressed softly, blinking in confusion at my statements. "What's so wrong with allowing yourself to be with me?"
I shook my head to myself, torn internally over whether or not to reveal the final piece of the puzzle missing from the story. The piece that would no doubt dim the light we seemed to share together; that would lead us to the demise I had been trying to avoid; that might make her question everything between us.
It was as though Cassie could sense my discomfort, and in a few seconds, she was tapping away at her phone screen as I was lost in my rumination. Revealing more darkness when we had only just gotten into the light would hurt the two of us more than I wished it would, and I didn't know if I was willing to risk deconstructing her world even more when it was already in tatters.
"How about I try and make this easier for you?" Cassie suggested, her words inflicting an initial wave of worry before I heard the familiar notes of the introduction for Die Alone stream out from her phone, the song we had listened to on the top floor of Tate Modern.
As the melody trickled into the silent air between us I was taken aback by the onslaught of memories that hit at full force, the two of us in each other's arms as we watched the sunrise while nothing seemed to matter in the awakening city. I hadn't cared for the merge of colours in the sky when I was able to gaze into Cassie's captivating eyes, and if I were to choose a moment to return to from our time together, it would without a doubt have been then.
"Maybe if you feel more relaxed, it will help you be honest with me," she explained, showing me her phone with Spotify currently opened which was playing the song, before putting it on repeat and placing the phone down.
With intrigue, I watched as she got up from the bed and moved to stand in front of me, one hand outstretched to hold onto mine as she waited expectantly. "So, will you dance with me?"
I blinked back at her confounded, a surprised laugh escaping me as she grinned down at me. "People do that on dates, right? Ours isn't over yet, and since we didn't actually dance to it the first time it played, why not now?"
With the corners of my lips tilted upwards, I placed my hand in hers and allowed her to help me up, mildly unprepared for the searing pain that shot through my body as I stood on my own two feet. Masking the grimace eager to cross my face, I placed my hands on her waist as I focused on how her closer proximity seemed to dull the aches resonating through my bones.
Her arms found their place wrapped around my neck as they had been one too many times before, and for a second it was like nothing had changed between then and now. I could still see her clearly in the dim lighting, grateful for the moonlight that helped me focus on the green flecks in her eyes. Her emerald haze seemed to exude pure warmth as she didn't break our eye contact for a second, with the two of us swaying slowly to the quiet song.
"So tell me," she began, speaking over the gentle melody streaming out from her phone speakers. The music felt comforting, a reminder of the bliss we had been gifted with when the current problems we faced had ceased to even exist. "Why does this make you feel as though you're being selfish?"
Sighing, I dropped my forehead down against hers, partly due to the sheer amount of stings and aches ricocheting around my body, which only seemed to lessen when I focused on the sound of Cassie's voice. Being around her was soothing, and when I closed my eyes for a second and focused on the soft sway of our bodies together and gentle patterns I was circling on her waist, the smoke in my lungs felt like it cleared in an instant.
"I only feel like I'm... living, when I'm with you, Cass," I murmured, mindful of my words as I tiptoed around the absolute truth. "And I'm scared that you're going to realise something that could take that away."
"Is this about you having cancer?" she questioned, her tone patient as I didn't answer, finding the explanation too convoluted to answer with a simple yes or no. "Because I know it won't be the easiest thing to deal with, but I'm still going to try. You've got to at least let me try."
I hated the sadness that filled her eyes at the mention of my illness, dropping my gaze down as I let out a short sigh, lifting my forehead up from hers again as I distanced ourselves. "You know... you know I'm not going to be here forever, right?"
Her gaze dropped from mine as her body tensed, an abrupt break in our swaying before she resumed after a moment. "That doesn't mean you're not worthy of being seen, Romeo."
"You have so much going on in your life, Cass, and I don't want to add any more negativity to that," I admitted, a bitter laugh leaving my lips. "The last thing you need is a funeral to plan..."
"Don't do that," she muttered, shaking her head before resting against my chest as she moulded against me. "Don't try to joke about it."
"'He jests at scars that never felt a wound'," I quoted, glancing down to see Cassie roll her eyes at me as a small smile crossed her lips.
"You just had to reference the play, didn't you?"
"Would I be me if I didn't?" I retorted, the smile dying on my lips as I returned to the dire topic. "I'm not exactly dying anytime soon, so it doesn't faze me. I know it's coming eventually, but it barely even registers when I'm treated like having leukaemia can't become a terminal illness."
"Wait," she lifted her head up from my chest, looking at me with a sudden realisation. "So your cancer isn't currently terminal?"
I let out a small laugh at her confusion, shaking my head. "I'm still able to be treated, so no, it's not. I just feel like it's only a matter of time before the trial stops showing progress completely, and after that I feel like my leukaemia might be too advanced for any more to be done."
Confiding in Cassie felt like a breath of fresh air after keeping in my fears for so long, and subconsciously I found myself pulling her closer and we swayed in a pensive silence, the heart-wrenching song still playing in the background as we held each other.
"It might be selfish of me to say," Cassie spoke above the quiet music as I dropped my forehead back down against hers and tightened my hold around her waist. "But I really wish I could swap with you."
"It might be ignorant of me to say," I spoke quietly, holding her close as no further explanation was needed, already understanding what she had meant as her hazel eyes met mine. "But I really wish I could swap with you too."
Swaying to the music, the two of us stayed in our embrace, the tips our noses ever so slightly brushing against each other's every so often from our close proximity, while the lyrics of the song rang out through the darkness. Our faces were so close I could feel her shallow breaths lightly fanning against my lips, mere millimetres between our faces as we seemed to gravitate closer towards each other, mindless of our actions as the magnetism between us intensified with every second.
"You're not going to do it, are you?" she murmured, her voice reverberating through the air as the vibrations of her words hummed against my skin. Her eyes were closed but it was like she could see me, able to scan across my features to see the hesitation etched into my features.
"We both know I shouldn't, Cass."
"Then stop thinking," she smiled faintly, moving her hand to hold the side of my face as she let out a soft sigh, her eyes fluttering open. "If you won't be selfish... then maybe I should be."
With her hazel eyes entrancing me in a daze, I could barely focus on the song fading around us or the numbing aches in my bones when I was fixated on the feel of her skin against mine and the way her smile made me forget my morals or any lingering rational thoughts I had left. She was all I could see, all I could feel, all I could think about, overloading my senses-
Then she kissed me.
I froze for a second as her soft lips met mine, feeling dazed before I responded and moved my own in sync with hers. Her lips felt like the most blissful thing as they pressed against my own, like seeing the sunrise early in the morning, like watching the stars in a sleeping city, like falling; falling endlessly and hopelessly but loving each and every second of it.
As she smiled against my lips through the kiss, all I could think about was how my heart was thudding against my chest and how all my senses seemed to be on overdrive, absorbing every inch and detail of the marvel that was Cassie. She was bewitching, sweet, and captivating all at once, and if this was what it was like to fall deeper in love with Cassie, then I'd fall for her over and over, day after day.
The moment seemed infinite, too lost in the feel of her soft lips languidly moving against mine, the eternities of our predestined reunion all building up to us: here, now, together as we kissed in the midst of all the darkness around us.
When we finally pulled away, she kept her eyes shut for a few seconds longer, a rosy glow to her cheeks as we simply stayed as we were, our foreheads together as I interlocked our hands.
"Please, tell me this isn't real..."
Startled, I looked towards the direction of the voice to see that my room door had been opened, and both Cassie and I were equally unaware of his presence standing in the doorway.
Immediately, Cassie pulled away from me and was already making her way towards him but something on his expression made her stop halfway, faltering between him and I as the hallway lights flooded into the darkness of the room.
My brother's attention turned over to me, his face a picture of heartbreak as he shook his head slowly to himself. "Are you going to explain, Will?"
My jaw was taut as I avoided his gaze, not knowing where to begin to explain how I had ended up here. "I- I'm sorry, Theo."
"You're sorry?" he scoffed, his gaze darting between Cassie and I as she turned to look at the two of us, confused at the nature of our interaction. She hadn't realised yet, or maybe she had but didn't want to believe it was true until either of us confirmed it.
"You're sorry that I walked in on my brother kissing the girl I told him I was in love with? The girl I was afraid of confessing to because she was my best friend?"
He ran a hand through his hair, the betrayal in his honey gaze more than I could bear, but it was better than facing the crestfallen glint in Cassie's eyes as she failed to meet my gaze.
Theo stared at the two of us in a stunned silence, before turning around and walking out without a word.