Big news. Shouto's my boyfriend now. We talked about this after school, and we both said we felt like we wanted to take our relationship to the next level. Though, he kept asking me if I was sure. It's like he doesn't think he's worth my time. It's sad. I definitely think he's got some issues with his self-worth and self-esteem, based on everything I've seen.
I asked him if he was happy, and his answer was pretty fucking sad. He said something like: "Of course I am. Given everything I have, I don't think I have the right not to be. How could I not be happy and content?"
I asked him if he was sad. He said that if he was happy, then of course he wasn't sad. So, I asked if he felt down or just not himself at all. He said he didn't think so. I smell bullshit.
I asked him if he hated himself. He said he sometimes does. I asked when those moments were, but he didn't want to say.
He changed the topic to ask me if I wanted to do anything in particular today. I didn't wanna let the conversation go, but I didn't wanna press anything.
One day, I'll break his walls. I want him to open up to someone, even if it ain't me.
We ended up hanging out in my dorm. We sat on my bed and talked about a bunch of random shit. It was fun, though. It was nice to hear his experiences and be listened to by him.
It was strange that he never once brought up anything about cherry blossoms.
But eventually, I ended up telling him about my anxiety, and how bad it was in the past. He listened to everything. He didn't try to step in and say stuff about himself. He just listened, he nodded, he made slight expressions, he asked a few questions, and I just felt so safe and respected. Felt really nice. And it got that shit off my chest since I've never told anyone else about it. I told Deku some bits and pieces, but he immediately jumped to try and solve my problems whenever I wasn't talking. Knew he didn't mean any harm, and he just wanted to help, but I didn't want someone like him to tell me what to do. I just wanted someone to listen.
Shouto's an oblivious dumbass, but he's still sharp. He asked if my anxiety and desire to have someone listen were the reasons why I'm loud, aggressive, stubborn, and all of that. Exactly that. Exactly fucking that. It's made me who I am today, but it doesn't control me like it used to. I'm the one in control. I'm stronger, and that's what I wanted to prove to the shitty world that mocked me for being weak.
I thanked Shouto for listening. I made myself thank him. Asshole said I didn't have to force myself, and he had that shitty fucking smile on too. I tackled him to the floor, and fucking hell, his smile was sublime. I kissed him, and damn, it got pretty hot. His face was all flushed and pink, he was breathing a little heavier, and his heart was like a symphony of lightning.
When the passion started to fade, I was the one thinking about cherry blossom shit. I started to pay more attention to how beautiful it was after the kiss was over. I paid attention to those lingering feelings, but I guess maybe it's true that you can't fully appreciate something until later when you realize how much it really meant to you. It was great to see the cherry blossoms falling while it lasted, but now that they're all dying and being trampled on the ground, I wish I could go back to look at the trees before all the flowers fell. Guess there's always next time, huh?