Chapter LVI
YEAR 2008
You open your eyes as you immediately grab a bunch of tissues and stick it in your nose after seeing it bleed again. You just remembered something once more. It is before your death and things are not going well with Manjiro. Though you want to find out more about his punishment.
You check the clock and you are amazed by how it's just a minute in this timeline but it feels like you've been in another time and space with those memories. You get your pen to continue writing when you hear someone knocking on your room's door. No one really knocks on your room unless they have something really important to tell you. You also didn't hear the door open in the living room earlier (probably because you're in the midst of remembering things). Right now, you are alone in your house.
You stand up and calmly open the door only to see Izana standing there in front of your door. His eyes are dizzy and his clothes are a bit unfix. You blink as you look at him curiously.
"Knock knock." He started to hiccup, that's when you realized that he's drunk. You also smell strong alcohol from his breath.
"Who's there?" You replied calmly. You also observe his condition thoroughly. You are waiting for his answer to measure his level of drunkenness.
"I love gravity." He mumbled, his eyes half-closed.
You blink calmly and prepare to catch him if he were to suddenly black out. This kid shouldn't drink too much especially at a young age. His liver might suffer.
"You love gravity... who?" You asked once again. Izana chuckled and looked at you.
"The gravity is you hahaha—*hic*." He hiccups again and chuckled, "Fuck the gravity, I'd still fall for you hahahaha."
Holy shit, he's losing it.
You sigh and massage your forehead in slight frustration. This is the reason why kids like him shouldn't drink too much at all. Izana is laughing continuously like he just said a joke while you are looking at him in a concerned motherly manner.
"Izana, from now on, you are a little prohibited to drink an alcohol." You muttered in concern as you held his arm to bring him towards his room. He's still laughing and he's really drunk since he never really laughs this much.
"Why do you have to fall for a rat?" He muttered sadly when he suddenly stopped laughing. You look at him and walk as you guide him towards his room.
"What do you mean?"
"You choose Mikey mouse over me hahahahaha!" He laughs again and hiccup and you facepalm because of stress.
"If you were to remember this tomorrow, I'm sure you'll freak out." You answered kindly as you opened his room's door and helped him enter since Izana looks like he'll fall anytime soon.
"Whyyyyy? Baji's fart smells like yakisoba but nothing beats the pain from getting rejected for a rat with a clubhouse!" Izana's eyes looks watery and you're doing your best to not laugh at all.He looks cute, like the kind of 'fuck-the-world-and-fuck-me-too' type of cute. He will really regret acting like this when he sober up.
"Manjiro is not a rat though." You defended though it's futile since he's so damn drunk.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever." He stated out of nowhere, "But I love my little bro a little, just a little, because he's small hahahahahahahaha!"
Well, in year 2017 he'll get taller and his dorayaki down there will get really big—
"You have to rest, Izana." You stated gently as he sat on his bed. He's hiccuping and yawning. His eyes are droppy as he looks up on you.
"Who's Izana?" He muttered.
You sighed heavily and massaged your forehead once again. Next time, if Izana were to knock on your room's door being drunk like this, you'll certainly call Kakucho to take care of him. Though, Kakucho might die in shock if he were to find out that Izana is alive.
"I'll be in my room if you need something, ok?" You stated as you looked at him. He looks like an innocent kid right now, a total opposite when he's sober up.
You walk closer towards Izana and get his blanket. He lay down on his bed obediently and you wrap the blanket around him like his mother. You give him a short smile as you turn around and aim to walk away but then, he says something that makes you freeze.
"If you accomplished your mission to save all of us... what will happen to you?"
His voice is serious and you turn around to look at him. He is looking back at you, still with a droppy eyes. You took a deep breath and answered, "I don't know."
He hiccups again and avert his gaze before staring at the ceiling while still laying down. His breaths are calm and you know, he's almost falling asleep.
"I don't want you to disappear or vanish," He whispered, his voice surprisingly calm and serious, "I'm sure Mikey feels the same way, too."
"I won't disappear." You mumbled in assurance as you looked at Izana's calm features. He closed his eyes.
"I want you to see everyone's future, too, (Y/N). If you finish your mission here— there is no certainty what will happen to you." His voice is gentle like a calm ocean wave. Right now, you don't know if he's joking earlier when he's telling all that stuff about falling for you (though he might just be messing up with you earlier).
"I'll be fine, Izana. Alcohol makes you sentimental, eh? Come on, take a rest now and sober up. You'll get a hangover tomorrow, I can feel it." You stated, purposely changing the topic.
Izana smiles with his eyes still closed.
"I'm sure they feel the same way, too. Like what you said, we are a part of the family. Baji, Shinichiro-san, Emma, and even Mikey, I'm sure they want to save you, too, like how you want to save us."
Your heart warms because of his sincerity.
"No worries, I'm all good." You smiled, "Thank you for the concern, Izana. Good night."
They want to save me? They shouldn't.
Without waiting for his response, you went out of his room and exhaled heavily. Your heart is beating fast in slight anxiety. Izana's questions bring you back to your senses. You are aware of everything. You are aware of what the future holds. You know exactly what will happen, and all this time, you've been pretending and acting like everything will turn out well for you.
But...
"Yo, Peke J!" Baji slams the door open as he goes inside with a red face. You blink innocently and Baji smirks widely. He's looking at you like he's seeing another person instead of you.
No, no, no, no, please. I just finished handling Izana, not again.
"I love you so much, Peke J!" Baji shouted since he was drunk as he ran towards you and hugged you tight, making your eyes widened. Did he just call you Peke J? His cat? Do you look like his cat!?
Why are these kids drinking too much alcohol!? By the way, where are Emma and Hiro-san?
Your head is seriously aching this time. The strong smell of alcohol is visible on Baji, it is the same smell as Izana's breath and clothes earlier. Where have they been?
"Peke J, you got taller!" He exclaimed excitedly, "You look like a human!"
Manjiro, save me.
Baji starts telling you weird things like how yakisoba looks like spaghetti but with darker color, and it's a bad thing since racism is big no no, especially in the humanity of food. He also asks you if it's safe to cook a cat, of course you freak out since there is a possibility he might cook you since he sees you as a cat right now. You have to deal with the drunk and talkative Baji for minutes before you finally lock him up inside his room for him to rest or sober up.
You are smiling when you are all alone in the living room. But then, you freeze on your feet as your chest tightens.
Disappear. Vanish. Turn to nothingness.
When you're finally done handling Baji and Izana, you leave your house in silence. You ride your motorcycle and start the engine. Your eyes are blank as you go to the riverside far from civilization. The night is cold and silent as you walk down your motorcycle.
Only the moonlight serves as your light and when you are finally all alone in the midst of nowhere with only the moon and the rivers witnessing everything, you take a deep breath, clench your teeth and start shouting like you want to release everything.
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" You shout with all your must as you give your entirety in that shout. You just release all the frustrations inside your chest because it's becoming heavy again.
Thankfully, you are all alone in this place and no one can really hear you. You pant and get some stone from the ground before throwing it with your strength towards the river, creating a riffle effect reflected by the moonlight. You clenched your teeth tightly as you fell on the grassy ground and pulled your hair forcefully in frustration.
"I don't want you to disappear or vanish."
You remember those words from Izana and you pull your hair really tight as you scream once again. You can no longer fight it. Right now, you're losing yourself so badly. Right here in the middle of nowhere, with no one around, with only you and darkness, you feel extremely vulnerable.
You've been strong all your life. Ever since you are left alone, you learn to be strong for yourself. Without your brother or any of your relatives by your side, you strive hard. You enter the military because you want to be strong enough for yourself. You become an intelligent asset. You rely on yourself and you are independent. The mission concerning Manjiro happens, and you don't know what happens after that, you die in that timeline and you time leap here only to be strong again.
But it's exhausting being strong.
You grit your teeth as you feel your hand shaking. It feels dark despite the moonlight. Your heart is beating fast and you feel like you want to puke anytime soon. Right here, right now, out of nowhere you are having these unexplainable panic attacks. You are shaking in fear, anxiety, and pain. You want to cry but a tear won't come out of your eyes. There are no tears coming out and it frustrates you a lot. You want to shout but you can't—- you can no longer shout, that's why you are screaming in silence. Your head wants to explode.
"I don't want to disappear." You whispered repeatedly and suffered in these panic attacks right now.
You want to pull your hair hard to feel pain, or scratch your skin and let it bleed. You want to bleed. You want to punch someone or you want to get punched. You want to shout but you are feeling extremely messed up right now. It's been a while since you last experience this and you feel fucking messed up.
You just realized how the battle is getting nearer and you realized that all your visions of the future will come true as it is.
It messes you up.
Your entire body is trembling and you know right now, you are not being strong like what you used to be. You are sitting helplessly in the ground, gritting your teeth, and suffering in silence with no one around.
I want to stay with all of them... I don't want to disappear... I'm scared.
Suddenly, all your thoughts go blank as you stare at the calm river. You can't think straight as your head feels messed up. You witnessed extreme and terrifying things in your visions and the burden is being too much, ever since the beginning of your time-leaping here, it's been too much. Even when a part of you doesn't want it, you stand up mindlessly as you walk towards the silent river.
No one is around. You are alone in the middle of nowhere. Only the moon witnesses everything.
A dry chuckle escaped in your lips as you looked down on the river. It looks really calm. It seems as if it'll give you a nice rest.
Without thinking straight, in the midst of intense vulnerability, you close your eyes and let your body fall on the river. You feel the cold water wrapping around your senses as you weakly let yourself sink deep. The faint light from the moon is visible on the water surface but you close your eyes as you let yourself rest in the depths.
No one witnesses how weak you are, because you're being too strong for yourself.
You just want to rest.
Maybe... maybe if you were to disappear even before your visions of the future take place, everything will turn out well.
Your lungs tightened as you felt suffocated but you didn't fight it. You just let your body sink even deeply as you close your eyes and let yourself get swallowed by the water.
Will I finally die now—
A strong hand grabbed your waist as you felt the impact of water moving near you. You open your eyes slightly, seeing the blurry figure pulling you up from the surface of the water. You feel yourself getting some oxygen as the person pulls you towards the ground.
You gasp for breath as you cough repeatedly. Your entire body is dripping wet. Your clothes are all soaked and while your eyes are closed, you chuckled weakly. You cover your eyes as you laugh in vulnerability. Those laughs are filled with despair and frustration, and while laughing, your tears are finally falling down your cheeks.
Shit, why would anyone save me?.
Your pretentious laughs turn into silent sobs and you clenched your molar teeth and tried your best to not cry so much. But then, your eyes widened when you felt someone pull you up for you to sit down, and that person hugged you tight making you stilled for a moment.
The person is also soaking wet but that person's embrace feels warm.
"I'm fucking tired being fucking useless," You whispered as your tears fall down your cheeks, "Why the fuck do you have to fucking save me?"
The embrace gets tighter and warmer.
"Let me go, damn it!" You shouted as you grasp for air and cried, "All I did is to mess every fucking thing up! This is the reason why I should've been alone from the very beginning! Get off me!"
The person didn't let go despite you struggling. The person hugging you right now makes you feel safe and warm, but unfortunately for that person, you are in one of your unwanted moments right now. You can't pretend that you're fine right at this moment. You can't pretend you're strong.
"I said let me go! I'm better off dead—-"
"Why didn't you tell me you're hurting inside?" The person asked in a calm and gentle manner, and your eyes widened when you recognized its voice.
It makes you feel even more messed up. Your heart tightens so bad and your body trembles as all the pain, burdens, and anxiety attacks you again.
"Among all the fucking people, why does it have to be you seeing me in this shitty state, Manjiro!?" You shouted in frustration with yourself. You hate how you're being vulnerable within his embrace right now. He's also suffering and now, you're being a burden. You're always being a burden to everyone and you fucking hate it.
You are pushing him away as you want to just disappear from anyone's sight. Your head wants to burst. Your vision is turning red and black, everything feels miserable right now. The only thing that keeps you sane at the moment is his warmth.
"I'm here, you're not alone anymore." He whispered gently as he embraced you with his utmost care, "I won't leave you. I'm here, (Y/N). You're no longer alone."
He keeps on repeating those words to calm you down as he hugs you. You, on the other hand, stop resisting as you cried hard on his chest. Your face is buried in him and you keep crying as you feel your body shaking in unexplainable pain and frustration.
You feel weak within his embrace. You feel exhausted. You feel vulnerable. It is the first time he saw you like this.
"I'm...I'm..." You are unable to say anything as you are trying to calm yourself down, "I'm..."
"Shhhh, you don't have to say anything, (Y/N). What you are feeling right now is valid. You have nothing to explain." He whispered.
Mikey stayed embracing you. He didn't leave you at all nor push you away. He remained silent as he waited for you to finally calm down. He's just there with you, and his presence is more than enough for you to overcome this intense emotional outburst.
You don't know how long you stayed resting in his arms. His warmth and presence makes you feel at ease. One moment, you are slowly keeping your breath much stable, and then after that, your heart would beat normally, and then you calmed down slowly. The trembling stops and every burdening thought inside your mind comes into halt.
You don't know how long it takes for you to fully calm down and recover, but one thing is certain... Manjiro never leaves you alone. He stayed there patiently embracing your vulnerability. He didn't say a word but his actions are more than enough to slowly give you ease and inner peace.
Because of too much energy being used in your extreme breakdown, you unknowingly fall asleep in his arms.
You don't know what happens next.
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