The past couple of weeks have been super rough. The anniversary of my moms death is coming up.
She passed on March Sixteenth and it's the fourteenth now. I don't mean to, but I've been shutting everyone out.
Tyler and Avery totally understand why. I've just been spending a lot of time at the studio.
Colby's been busy editing so I haven't really seen him much. I do miss him, it's just a hard time for me.
Since I'll be at a competition for the actual date, I was on the way to the actual grave to visit.
I drive the familiar road to the grave sight. It was a nice day out. When I get to her grave, I went over to her.
Her headstone looked clean and nice. I lay the flowers down by the headstone while I sit down.
I can't believe she's been gone for eight years. When she passed away, I was fourteen, almost fifteen.
And now I'm twenty-three, I'll be twenty-four in April. It's honestly crazy.
"Hey, momma. I miss you." I speak while I situate her flowers. Everyone that met her, loved her.
She was an incredible soul. "I'm almost twenty-four now." I speak sadly. I wish she got to see more.
My marriage, me fall in love, meeting her grandkids. Usually I'm good at keeping my emotions under control.
But every year, this week, it's super hard for me. "I wish you were still here." I could feel the knot in my throat.
I hated this feeling. I just fucking miss her. Death leaves a pain that nobody can heal.
But the love leaves a memory that nobody can share. That's why I hold the memories in my heart.
I sit there for a moment, my lip quivering a little bit. I didn't want to cry. But I could feel it start to come out.
"Fuck, I didn't want to cry." I wipe my eyes, my hand shaking. As I wipe my tears, I heard a footstep from behind me.
I snap my head to see Colby was slowly walking towards me. I furrowed my eyebrows towards him.
"How did you know I was here?" I ask confused. He came over and sat next to me.
He made sure to leave some distance. "You weren't answering and I was starting to get worried." He started out
"Tyler said you might be here so I wanted to come check on you." It was super sweet that he did this for me.
I wasn't expecting it honestly. "It's been a rough couple of days." I admit to him.
I wipe my eyes from the escaping tears. I didn't want to cry in front of him.
But I couldn't help it. She should still be here with me. Colby was frowning towards me.
"I wanna say I understand, but I don't." He spoke. I look over towards him.
"But just because I don't understand, doesn't mean I'm not here for you." I could tell he was being honest.
He's one of the most understanding people I know. "That really means a lot to me." I admit to him.
I suck in a breath while I look over at my moms headstone. I then started thinking about what would've happened if she got to meet him.
The thought of it made me smile a little bit. "My mom would've loved you." I speak up.
I keep my eyes on the headstone, but I know he's smiling a little bit.
"What was she like?" He sounded curious, like he actually wanted to know about her.
I smiled while thinking about it a little bit. "She was the funniest person I knew." I remember back.
She was always cracking jokes, no matter the situation. "I swear, she could've been a comedian." I even smile a little bit.
I wet my lips while thinking about it. "Whenever she danced, she would get lost in the music, kinda like me." I smile.
Everyone that knew my mom says I'm the exact replica of her. I honestly loved hearing it.
It makes me feel like she's still here in a way. "Everyone loved her. No one had anything bad to say about her."
I finally look over at Colby so I can see his face. I couldn't tell what he was thinking of.
"She sounds amazing." He spoke honestly. I weakly smile as I nodded my head towards him.
"She really was." It was nice talking about her like this. It's hard dealing with a loss of a parent, especially at a young age.
I know she wouldn't want me being sad or upset, but I couldn't help it. I just miss her.
My mom really would've loved Colby. They have almost the same sense of humor.
We sat there for a while, me telling him my favorite stories of my mom. He listened intensely.
I don't know how, but it made me feel a lot better. When the sun was starting to set, we both figured it would be a good time to leave.
"Thank you for coming out again. It really means a lot to me." Colby looked down at me as we walked to our cars.
I really want him to know that I really do appreciate it. "Of course, Cassie. I just want you to know you can cry on my shoulder anytime."
He opened the car door so he could get in. My heart started racing a little bit as I thought about something.
"Do you care if I come over tonight? I don't wanna be alone." He makes me feel a lot safer.
And I know if I'm with him, I won't sulk in my room, alone. "Of course. Just follow me and I'll let you borrow clothes."
I thank him while I get into my car. I follow him to his house, music lightly playing through my speakers.
We walk into the house together and straight up to his room. We were going to watch Netflix and hang out for the rest of the night.
I can't stay up too late knowing I have dance for most of the day tomorrow.
I went into his room and changed into one of his band shirts and sweats.
When I walk into his room, he was laying on his bed, scrolling through Disney Plus.
I went over to him and climbed onto his bed. I crawled over to him and laid my head on his chest.
He wrapped his arm around me, making me feel safe. "I could get used to this." I say making myself comfortable.
He placed a gentle kiss on my head, causing me to get butterflies.
He turned on the original Mulan, it being an amazing movie. It's one of my favorite Disney Princess movies.
I couldn't be more grateful for Colby. He took time out of his day to come make sure I'm okay.
Ethan would never have done that for me. "You know, I think we were suppose to meet." I admit to him.
He started rubbing my back while the movie started. "I think we were too." He agreed with me.
I don't know it just yet, but there was a reason why we met. I don't think it was a small coincidence.
Maybe in the future I'll know, but I'm fine with how things are. We laid here for a while, in each others arms.
I feel super safe in them. I felt like nothing could hurt me in his arms. Whenever I lay my head on his chest, and hear his heartbeat, I start to relax.
That usually leads to me getting so calm, I eventually fall asleep in his arms.
I was asleep the whole night. I honestly didn't want to leave the bed when my alarm went off the next morning.
I slowly open my eyes so I could turn it off. I stop my alarm and look around to Colby.
He was peacefully asleep, his mouth was slightly open. I knew if I got up, he wouldn't wake up.
He's the deepest sleeper that I know. He looked so precious when he was asleep.
I slowly squirm out of his arms so I could get out of bed.
I didn't want to leave Colby, but I had to get to dance. I kept his clothes on knowing I was able to dance in them.
As I drove, I couldn't help but think about Colby. He was coming to the competition with Tyler and Avery tomorrow.
I realize that this is the first anniversary that I'm not totally moving fast paced.
I'm trying to distract myself, not taking time to think about my feelings.
Ever since I started hanging with Colby, I feel like things are moving in slow motion.
It's making me see things more clearly. Things aren't so fuzzy anymore.
And I think that's a really good thing.