Chapter 39.
Tan.
He was frowning.
Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ako o malulungkot habang tinitignan ko ang natutulog na pigura na Miguel. Really, who frowns in their sleep?
Miguel Angelo Tan, obviously.
I've been staring at him for hours. Anytime ay sisikat na ang araw ngunit hindi na ako makatulog pa. Not after that dream. No.
Nakakunot ang mga noo niya at magkasalubong ang mga kilay. He didn't look peaceful. Pati ba naman sa pagtulog ay galit pa rin ito? Infact, he looked unapproachable and intimidating but no less handsome. No surprises there, I guess.
I've been itching to caress his face with my hands, press a soothing hand on his forehead and ease whatever it is that troubles him. I wanted to brush my thumb against his cheeks—the one that wasn't pressed against the pillow. But of course, it would probably wake him.
Kaya naman pinilit kong makuntento na lamang sa pagtitig. I listened to the soft sound of his breathing and the faint, rhythmic beating of his heart. Katulad nang kay Alex ay parang musika iyon sa aking tainga.
Hindi ko na ring mapigilang alalahanin ang mga sinabi niya kagabi.
"I want you. I want us."
Did he really want that? Can he really forgive me? He deserve so much better. I couldn't help but feel something wonderful. It was warm and full of possibility of something rich and rewarding. I could still hope.
I continued to stare at his troubled face, something broken inside me started cutting deep.
Because it became clear to me that this Miguel isn't the same as before.
This Miguel had demons.
Demons na dahilan kung bakit siya ganito ngayon. And I had to get through them, break them.
I closed my eyes at may kung anong bikig ang bumara sa aking lalamunan.
I knew them.
I knew.
Because I'm the one who made them. I made him like that.
And I knew
Because I also have them.
Masyado silang marami akala ko sila na lang ang bumubuo sa akin.
So paano aalisin iyon kay Miguel kung hindi ko 'yon maalis sa sarili ko?
Naramdaman kong gumalaw si Miguel kaya naman napadilat ako. Nakita kong mas kumunot pa ang noo niya at nagulat ako nang bigla niyang hinapit ang baywang ko at hinapit sa kanya, tangling with mine. Napasubsob pa ang mukha ko sa matipuno niyang dibdib. I felt a tingle slide up my spine.
I lifted my head to see he was still sleeping.
And I watched, slowly, as his face soften. Nawala ang mga guhit sa kanyang noo at ang pagsasalubong ng kanyang mga kilay. He now looked relaxed and... content.
Then I felt it again, that wonderful feeling. This time, I allowed it to move through me, lightening the tightness in my chest., his body making me feel safe. At kahit papaano'y nabawasan ang lahat ng bigat at takot sa katawan ko.
Dahan-dahan 'kong inangat ang mga labi ko and softly kissed his jaw, hindi alintana ang mga stubbles nito. I whispered, "I'm sorry it took me this long but right now, im willing to take a risk. You wanted this fucked up, frail girl. Well, you got her. You got me. And... and... our son. Ipapakilala ko na siya sa'yo, Miguel. I'm really sorry." Huminto ako at hinayaang pumatak ang luha mula sa aking mga mata. "One day, Miguel, you'd forgive me and I hope I'm there when you do."
With that, I snuggled my face into his chest and felt his arm tighten in his sleep.
Habang nasa mga bisig ako ni Miguel, I couldn't help but think that I was right where I belonged. Sa Isiping iyon, I allowed myself to sleep as well.
————————————————
Shit happened.
When? Uh
————————————————
"I think I'm going to tell him about our son" I whispered.
Silence.
"Harry?"
For a while ay napaisip ako kung tama ba ako ng tinawagan. Anong oras ba ngayon sa LA? Or was he in LA?
Pero ilang saglit pa nakarinig ako ng buntong-hininga at maya maya pa ay nagsalita na uli si Harry, "About time, babe," was his response.
I closed my eyes, lips pressed together. I could almost hear the relief in his voice but I also knew he's scared for me. Kung nandito siguro siya kasama ko ay malamang na yakap yakap niya ako ng mahigpit while we're both crying at kumakain ng sandamakmak na Cheetos. (This is definitely a Cheetos-worthy time).
How I miss this brute.
I opened my eyes.
Napahawak ako ng mahigpit sa telepono and leaned my hips against the coffee table. "You think?" I asked as I bit my lips.
He chuckled like he find my question ridiculous (which most likely he did), "Hija, hello? Almost six years ka nang late? Duh" he teased.
Kung sa ibang pagkakataon ay mapapangiti ako sa panunukso niya. But wala ako sa mood kaya hindi ko napigilan, I flinched at his words even though alam ko na what he said was true. "Harry."
Alam kong umiirap na ito ngayon. "I know, I know. You had your reasons. Uh, so well, uh, what's the plan?"
"Uh, I still don't know"
"What!?" he screeched. Nailayo ko ng kaunti ang telepono mula sa tenga ko dahil doon.
"Hindi ko pa alam, okay? Kakadecide ko lang nito... like few seconds ago? Tinawagan kita agad. Hindi ako makatulog." I didn't bother telling him about my dream. Mag-aalala nanaman
"Jesus" he muttered.
Normally, pagsasabihan ko siya sa pagsasabi niyon but wala ako sa mood para roon kaya naman pinalagpas ko na lang.
I sucked in breath again. Ilang saglit na walang salitang namagitan sa aming dalawa. Then I decided to speak, "Harry, I'm scared" I whispered, truthfully. I felt the tears stinging my eyes.
I was scared big time. I'm scared of screwing everything up. Of making our situation worse than it already is.
He sighed. "I know, honey. I know. But I'm sure everything will turn out just fine" sabi niya, trying to assure me.
"It's not that easy, Har. Sasabihin ko sa kanya ang tungkol kay Alex but hindi ko pwedeng sabihin sa kanya ang dahilan ko kung bakit kailangan kong iwanan siya." Tears slid out of the corners of my eyes. "I fucked up."
"Yes, you did, babe" sagot niya.
I groaned. "You're not helping, you know" I hissed but felt myself smile.
"He'll forgive you. That man loves you" he assured me.
My head jerked. "No, he doesn't"
"Yeah? Where are you right now?"
Shit.
"Uh, in his house?" I answered, not liking where this is heading.
"You sleeping in his bed?"
"Uh..."
"Thought so" he said chuckled. Shit. Nakuha niya ako d'on.
"Listen, Harry. It's not like that—"
"Babe" he said softly. "If that man doesn't loves you, you won't be anywhere near his house at trust me, wala ka dapat ngayon sa kama niya. At kung hindi ka na niya mahal, he should be married by now. It's been what? Six? Five years? And he's still single. I tell you, that's not a man who isn't in love with you to me. Trust me, I know, I'm also a man"
Hindi ko alam kung dapat na akong maniwala sa sinabi niya. "You're gay" ang nasabi ko na lamang sa kanya.
"Oh, shut up"
We both laughed.
Lumingon-lingon ako, baka mamaya'y nagising ko si Miguel.
"Listen, may naisip na ako. I remember na last time na nag-usap kami ng anak mo is gusto niyang umuwi ako diyan just to watch a basketball game since you're not a big fan of those things though sabi niya ay gusto ka pa niyang kasama, hindi lang siya sure kung papayag ka, he was convinced, it was a "boy" thing. Like you'd say no to that kid of yours" he said.
I remember Alex na nagkukuwento sa akin about sa bago niyang kinakahiligan na basketball team. Nagtatanong siya sa akin ng tungkol doon but what do I know about those things? Wala akong nasagot kahit isa. Kaya naman alam niyang hindi ko type ang mga bagay na ganoon.
"And...?" Hindi ko alam kung bakit napunta roon ang usapan.
"And ask Miguel to come instead! You, Alex and Miguel! One big happy family! Doon mo siya ipakilala. In that way, makakapagbonding sila. Diba?"
"You think?"
"Sure. It's a great idea."
Nag-isip ako saglit. Okay lang kaya iyon? I sucked in breath.
Then I sighed. "Thank you, Harry," I murmured.
Alam kong ngumiti siya. "You're welcome, baby girl."
"Thank you" I whispered.
He chuckled. "But, hon?"
"Hmm?"
"I suggest you tell me everything. He won't hurt you," he said softly.
Oh, he won't. But I might.
——————————————-
But no, hindi doon nang nangyari. It actually happened the morning after.
———————————————
I woke up and blinked at all the sunlight coming into the room and for a second I felt confusion. May kung anong maghigpit na nakapulupot sa baywang ko at mabigat na bagay na nakadagan sa mga hita ko. I stiffened nang bumalik sa akin lahat. Nang bumaba ang tingin ko sa may baywang ko ay doon ko nakita ang matitipunong bisig na walang dudang kay Miguel.
I gulped.
For a moment, gusto kong mas isiksik pa ang sarili ko kanya pero naunahan ako ng hiya at takot. Kaya naman, nagpasya akong dahan-dahang umalis nang hindi siya nagigising and ignored the fact that I felt comfortable in his arms. Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko when I felt him stir beside me pero nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang dahan-dahan akong lumingon ay natutulog pa rin ito.
I bit my lips nang bumalik sa pagkakakunot ang noo niya at pagsasalubong ng kanyang mga kilay katulad nang bago ako makatulog muli kanina.
Naglakad ako papunta sa pinto na sa palagay ko ay ang toilet and bath dahil sa size nito. Nang pumasok ako at buksan ko ang mga ilaw, It was, indeed, the bathroom. Engineered wood flooring and wood cladding in brown monochrome design made the whole macho and classy look. May shower at bathtub sa dulo at water closet (toilet bowl) sa kanang bahagi habang katapat naman nito ang sink at mirror.
I thanked my lucky stars ng pagbukas ko ng compartment ay may nakita akong extra toothbrush at ginamit ko 'yon. After washing my face, tinignan ko ang sarili ko sa salamin. I was still wearing Miguel's white polo na umaabot lamang sa baba ng puwit ko ang haba. Huminga ako ng maluwag.
I marvelled at the feelings inside me. Hope. I whispered to myself.
Nang lumabas ako roon ay nakita kong ganoon pa rin ang puwesto ni Miguel. Siguro ay pagod na pagod ito. I wonder kung minsan lang ito makatulog ng ganoon katagal dahil tantsa ko ay tanghali na.
Then I went to his kitchen. Not surprisingly, it looked elegant at the same time, kick-ass. Mom would have loved this.
I shook my head to clear the image of my mom in Miguel's kitchen.
For a while ay inisip ko ang dapat kong gawin then I finally decided to make coffee and maybe, breakfast. After turning on the coffee maker, I went to his fridge.
Nagulat ako nang makita kong punong-puno iyon ng laman. I wasn't expecting that. But well, independent nga na naman ito.
I was slicing the bread when the ice prince walked in. He was barefoot, his trousers hanging low on his hips. I sucked my breath when I realized na wala na wala siyang saplot pang-itaas, his glorious chest on display and his hair tousled in sexy in a sexy way na para bang ilang beses niyang ginulo iyon.
Pero napakagat ako ng labi ng makita kong may kausap siya sa telepono at mukhang galit ito. Nakatingin ito sa ibang direksyon at mukhang hindi pa niya ako nakikita.
"...don't care just—" napahinto siya nang mapatingin siya ng direksyon ko. Our eyes met. He looked irriatated. Pero nang makita niya ako at ang ginagawa ko ay may kung anong emosyon ang dumaan sa kanyang mata but it was so fast hindi ko na na-identify kung ano iyon. His face went blank and his jaw hardened.
"No, Eddard. Okay na. You can now go back to whatever you are doing." Iyon lamang at pinatay na binaba na nito ang cellphone.
Hininto ko ang ginagawa ko and I put down the bread knife.
Parang nabuhol ang dila ko. Hindi ko alam ang dapat kong sabihin. So I went with, "Uh, I'm sorry uh... pinakelaman ko na 'yung kitchen mo. I-I made us breakfast. Uh do you want coffee? I could—"
"Fucking wake me before you get out of bed" he sounded irritated and frustrated.
Huh?
"What?"
"You should have fucking woken me up" he hissed. I flinched. "Uh-I'm sorry, Miguel. Nagising ako ng tulog ka, mukhang pagod na pagod ka kaya naman hindi na kita ginising. I thought I'd make bre-"
Anong bang ginawa ko?
Napahinto ako ng sumenyas. Napapikit siya ng mariin.
"I thought you left"
Napasinghap ako.
Dumilat siya at tumingin ng diretso sa akin.
"When I woke up and you weren't there beside me, I thought..." hindi na niya tinuloy ang iyon. He clenched his jaw at umiwas ng tingin. "Next time, fucking wake me up"
"O-okay" I said hesitantly. But sa isip ko ay paulit-ulit ang 'next time'
Pagkatapos n'on ay tahimik na kaming kumain. I cooked bacon and eggs. I served him his toast and coffee. I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry 'yan lang 'yung kaya kong lutuin. Hindi pa rin ako marunong magluto. Hanggang baking lang siguro ako"
"List down all the ingredients you need" he said without glancing at me. Kinuha niya ang kape niya at uminom.
Eh?
Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya. "I-ingredients para saan?"
Naglagay siya ng pagkain sa kutsara niya then he paused at tumingin sa'kin. I stopped myself from gasping. Naiilang ako dahil wala siyang saplot na pang-itaas. Mayroon naman siyang t-shirt kanina ah!
He tilted his head. "Para mabili ni Eddard ang lahat ng kailangan mo. For your baking. Para may mga stock na n'on dito."
"B-bake?" sabi ko habang tinitignan siyang kumakain. Stock? Is he...?
He stopped chewing at tumingin muli sa akin. Then ngumuya uli siya pero hindi na muling nag-alis ng tingin sa akin. Umayos ako ng upo dahil hindi ako mapakali sa pagtitig niya.
I cleared my throat again.
"Why?"
"I miss your cupcakes" he smirked.
I blushed but that's not what I'm trying to ask.
He missed my cupcakes.
"And?"
He frowned. "And your cookies. And your brownies. And oh, isama mo na rin sa listahan 'yung graham. I love your graham balls. Give the list to Eddard later."
He missed my cookies.
Triny kong hindi maguluhan kung ang ice prince nga baa ng nagsasalita.
And my brownies.
I pursed my lips. "It's okay. Sa place ko na lang ako gagawa kung gusto mo talaga ng mga 'yon. Nakakahiya naman kay Eddard."
And he loved my graham balls. Oh my god.
"Rein, you're moving in with me" he stated.
My head jerked. "What!?"
"You heard me."
"I am?" tanong ko na halos bulong na lang.
"You are."
"But—"
"No buts" he said at nagpatuloy na sa pagkain.
Nalilitong napatingin ako sa plato ko. This is insane!
"Miguel, I can't"
Napaigtad ako ng bitawan niya kutsara niya. "This isn't up for discussion" sabi niya habang blanko ang ekspresyon niyang nakatingin sa'kin.
"But—"
"No"
"W-wala ka bang girlfriend? Wife or whatever? What about your mom?" huli na bago ko marealize ang pagkakamali ko. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid, Rein. That's a stupid question!
"Are you seriously asking me that after last night? May nakita ka bang babaeng kasama ko? Fuck."
I chastised myself for being a dork. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that" sabi ko at tumingin sa kanya. He looked angry.
"You should" he barked.
I bit my lips again. "Pero Miguel hindi naman porket—"
"You kissed me last night?"
Namula yata ang buong katawan ko sa tanong niya. Nakakahiya! "Y-yes but—-"
"You slept in my bed?"
Huminga ako ng malalim, "yes"
"With me in it?"
I breathed, "Yes"
Kumunot ang noo niya. "That means you are my woman now and you are moving in with me" he said with finality.
"Let's talk about thi—"
"You know what? Let's talk about this later." Tumayo siya mula sa pagkakaupo. Napatayo rin ako. "Pagkauwi ko. Go to your place, pack some clothes, your toiletries, or anything then go here. You don't have to go to work today. Kung may aayusin ka about sa project, dito ka na lang gumawa. Use my study, may computer d'on and mac. Kung may kailangan ka, call Eddard"
What? That's it. He's leaving?
God, he's so bossy. Ne hindi ko nga kilala si Eddard!
Huminga ako ng malalim. Sige, papalagpasin ko muna 'to, katulad ng sinabi niya, mamaya na lamang namin 'to pag-uusapan. Okay.
Nang akmang aalis na siya ng kusina ay pinigilan ko siya. "Miguel"
Nagulat ako ng ilang segundo lamang ay nasa tabi ko na siya. He hooked his arms around my waist, hauling me to his body and his mouth crushed down on mine. Para akong hihigupin ng kung anong malakas ng puwersa ng dahil sa halik na iyon.
Nang maghiwalay ang mga labi namin ay tumingin siya sa mga mata ko. I couldn't read his eyes. It was blank pero maliwanag ang kanyang mukha. He caressed my cheek with the back of his right hands. I couldn't help but close my eyes.
"You're Maria Rein Gardencias and you're my woman now, again and I take care of my woman. For me to do that, kailangan mong tumira kasama ko. I'm fucking possessive. I want you here. End of story. Fuck Mom, hindi siya ang karelasyon ko. Huh, babe?" ibinulong niya mismo sa tainga ko. "Let's not try to fuck this up. Don't fuck this up"
Napalunok ako sa huling sinabi niya. I opened my eyes and stared at him. "It's not that, Miguel. There's still something that I have to tell you."
Tinitigan niya ako na para bang sinusubukan niyang alamin gamit ang mga mata ko ang katotohanan. I gulped.
"Then tell me."
Bumilis ang paghinga nga ko at ang tibok ng puso ko. We have a son.We have a son. We have a son. Ngunit hindi magawang lumabas ng mga salita sa aking bibig. "We—" I stopped at napalunok.
Tinignan niya uli ang aking mga mata. Sabihin mo na!
Nang hindi pa rin ako makapagsalita, he sighed. "Okay, love. Later. Sabihin mo na lang sa'kin mamaya. Dinner? Dress nice" sabi niya at dahan-dahan akong binitawan. He kissed my forehead at umalis na ng kusina at marahil papunta sa kwarto.
Nang wala na siya sa paningin ko ay nanlulumong napatitig na lamang ako sa sa dining table. Oh god.Bakit hindi ko masabi? Bakit hindi ko pa sinabi? I'm so damn weak.
"One more thing" nagsitayuan yata ang balahibo ko sa katawan ng marinig ko ang boses niya. Marahas na napalingon ako, nakatayo siya sa may entrance ng kitchen. He looked... intense. Napahugot ako ng hininga.
His gaze held mine. "You're not Maria Rein Gardencias" he stated at muling pumihit sa direksyon ng kwarto.
I waited.
I saw his face hardened. He looked over his right shoulder. "You're Maria Rein Tan" then he was gone.
"Don't fuck this up"
I already did.
Napapikit na lamang ako ng mariin. Wala sa loob na niligpit ko na lamang ang pinagkainan namin.
And then later, I'll buy those basketball tickets.
For three.
[MD1]