It seemed that life had returned to normal and that what had happened with those two policemen had been nothing more than a horrible nightmare. They never heard from them again, Carlos did not see them at the police station for the next few days, and the fear of finding them in the parking lot again because they wanted to scare him some more was disappearing.
Once again he felt comfortable at the police station; it was once again a second home and this was soon noticeable in his mood. The nightmares gradually became more and more sporadic and the feeling that he was being watched at all times gave way to the idea that they had grown tired of him.
Maybe those despicable people had found someone new to have fun with, and Carlos felt bad for not wanting to know where they were and what they were doing, or who they were paying for their boredom with.
But everyone had told him to let it go for a few days, to get away from it.
"You have to breathe," the psychologist his father recommended had told him. "Until you can get through a whole day without thinking about what they did to you and you can close your eyes and take a deep breath and let your mind go blank, you're not going to be ready to deal with them."
"Those people need to go to jail or at least be out of the police."
"And you're absolutely right, Carlos, but if you came here today it's because you have a problem to solve. Could you stand in front of them and report them, sure that they can't do anything to you?"
"It doesn't matter what happens to me."
"And what about your boyfriend? TK, right? Are you sure that pointing them out and bringing to light the kind of people they are and what they've done to you wouldn't endanger TK in any way?"
Carlos couldn't answer that question, because he actually knew the answer perfectly well. He wasn't going to do anything as long as he thought TK was in any danger and now, until those people ended up in jail, saying out loud what they had done to him or how they had threatened him put TK in the spotlight.
"I feel like those bastards have taken away my freedom to be myself. It bothers them that I'm a gay Latino man, in love and happy. I'm a problem for them, my presence in front of them is a threat."
"And you yourself feel, in part, guilty."
At first, Carlos said he didn't, he even felt like getting angry and yelling because he was very clear that no one should feel that way. "No one should feel guilty for being who they are."
"You're right, Carlos, but you're the first one who doesn't believe it when you say it. When you do, only then will you notice that you're back in control of your own life."
Hearing a stranger tell him just what he needed to hear made him realize that he himself was endangering TK by letting those guys control his life. The only way to protect TK was to face the situation, face the fear no matter how great and terrible it was, and take matters into his own hands.
It was another matter entirely when he would be able to get his assailants in front of him and say in front of a judge or whoever was necessary what they had done to him.
As they always say, acknowledging it was the first step. Doing something about it was quite another.
However, having spent only two sessions with Dr. Trante, but being able to tell someone else what had happened was already a big step, and TK had noticed it in the little things.
It had been a few days since he had heard Carlos laugh and his smiles those days had lost the light that TK knew. When they had the chance to sleep together, he knew exactly the moment when the nightmare would come. He would feel Carlos's body when he started to shake, he would cling to him, and when TK started to hear him sobbing, it would take a long time to calm him down.
Right after he had his first session with the psychologist, Carlos slept alone at home because TK had a night shift.
Carlos: I'm going to bed. How was your shift?
TK: You had dinner, right? Quiet shift, and I hope it stays that way.
Carlos: I heated up a pizza.
TK: Tell me you didn't eat the seven cheese pizza we found at the supermarket the other day.
Carlos: That's yours, tiger. I would never think of touching that pizza. I don't want to meet the leviathan that lives inside you.
TK: I plan on sharing it with you, babe. You know that.
Carlos: What I know is that hopefully I'll get to taste a triangle and then when I look at the plate again, the rest will probably be gone. But yeah, I know you'll share it with me. I'm exhausted, so if I stop answering it's because I've fallen asleep.
TK: How about you turn off your phone, crawl into bed, read a little and sleep? Let's go to the movies tomorrow.
Carlos: We're in a good mood.
TK: Both of you?
Carlos: Therapy went well and on my shift everything went well, that's why I'm so tired. So don't worry, I don't expect to have a nightmare tonight.
TK: And if you have one, you call me.
Carlos: If I have a nightmare I'll call you.
TK: Call for whatever reason, it doesn't matter if you wake me up or if you....
Carlos: Ty, I promise I'm fine. But I know where you are. You're always with me.
Neither wanted to claim victory so soon, but they both felt that one of the most complicated, dangerous and frightening moments of their lives was starting to get better.
So when Gabriel handed them the invitation to the annual Austin firefighter/police twinning barbecue, Carlos was thrilled at the idea of showing up holding his boyfriend's hand and letting himself be seen in front of everyone, showing that he wasn't ashamed of anything.
"After that ill-fated baseball game," Gabriel said, staring at TK, so much so that it made him burst out laughing, "I think it would be a good idea to improve the relationship between firefighters and cops again."
"Sounds great to me," TK replied and gripped Carlos' hand tightly. "But this Sunday I have to work, Nancy will be out of town all week." He turned to Carlos and stroked his cheek. "But if you need me to be with you..."
"No, no, babe, no need. The barbecue is at my parents' house, I think that's a safe place for me."
"We'll be with him at all times, TK." Gabriel patted the paramedic on the back. "You go to work, don't worry."
*
The calm before the storm. That's what Owen would say on Monday morning as he remembered that Sunday. The calm of a few quiet shifts— too quiet—he said Sunday morning as he came to work.
When one of those weeks happened, any firefighter knew something terrible was about to happen; something bad on the next call. Maybe they would lose a victim, maybe even a partner.
Carlos didn't think he would be part of that.
He was happy when he parked the car in his parents' garage. He had always liked that party and loved the barbecues his father prepared. Every year he would find someone who would tell him some story they knew about his father at the police academy, and he really enjoyed meeting the rookies who were invited to tell them never to be discouraged because they were doing a great job.
"Officer Reyes, what a surprise to see you out of uniform."
As he turned around, the figure of Detective Washington surprised him.
"Hi, good to see you here."
"May I call you Carlos?" The cop nodded. "I know your father, he's one of the best rangers I've ever worked with and I assure you I hadn't realized that Gabriel Reyes was the father of the most stubborn cop I've ever met in my life."
Carlos burst out laughing with a blush.
"My father said I was too stubborn to be a cop because I wasn't good at following his orders."
"Well, you can tell him he was wrong for once. Have you thought about taking the detective's exam yet?"
Carlos felt his expression darken. With everything that had happened those last few days it had been enough to be able to leave the house by himself and be out without TK; he didn't have the strength to think about whether it was a good time to take the exam.
"No, it really hasn't been a good time."
"Oh, looks like I said something I shouldn't have. Is everything okay, kid?"
"Yes." Carlos cleared his throat, it was more or less simple to talk about it with someone who already knew something, but he hadn't even had the courage to tell his parents everything. "I've got a lot on my mind these days and..."
Washington put a hand on his arm and stared into his eyes. That woman had so much strength in a single look that it made Carlos flinch.
"I can't say I know you, Carlos, but I know you're full of determination. The same one that you now, in a way, lack. I also know that look, which I've never seen in you, but in victims of some kind of mistreatment or abuse. Do you want to tell me something about it? If it's about your boyfriend..."
"No, god, no, no. TK would never... No." Carlos burst out laughing, the thought so absurd that he could only laugh. "TK is one of the best people in my life, I know he would never hurt me."
"So, what, then?"
Carlos opened his mouth to answer, but he wasn't able to. He found the excuse that it was his parents' barbecue, that he didn't know the detective very well, and that he couldn't do it if he didn't have TK by his side.
However, it was the sight of those two men staring at him, those figures that he had managed to get out of his dreams, but which were part of his greatest fears in case they did something to him again.
He hadn't thought of that possibility, but it made perfect sense. They were two policemen at a policemen's barbecue and his father didn't know who they were. He had invited them without realizing what they represented to Carlos.
"Carlos? are you all right?" Washington asked when she realized that Carlos had become a statue in front of her.
"I have to... I have to..."
Carlos ran out, literally, and didn't stop until he reached one of the bathrooms in his parents' house. He closed the door and sat down on the floor, his head buried between his legs, his back against the door so no one would come in, and his hands over his ears to shut himself off from the world.
It had been too easy to forget almost everything and pretend nothing was happening. So easy that it was impossible, and now all he felt was his body falling into a dark, black pit with the feeling that his assailants were going to pound on the door at any moment.
*
TK hadn't wanted to bother Carlos by asking him if he was okay, how he was doing and similar things that might make him nervous. They both knew that spending the day surrounded by people at his parents' house wasn't going to be easy for his boyfriend, but he was sure that everything would be fine with Andrea and Gabriel around.
"I'm available whenever you need me," he had texted him when Carlos told him he was leaving. "It's amazing, I could have gone with you after all, we're having the smoothest shift I've ever seen. Not a single call. Have fun, love you."
Carlos had told him he had arrived. Then he had sent him a couple of pictures and told him that his father was the perfect host, because everyone was happy.
"Oh, TK, Washington is here. She hasn't forgotten that she thinks I'm detective material. Do you think I should go for it?"
"Babe, I never doubted it."
He hadn't heard anything else after that, but his shift was over, so he'd go straight home. Carlos had told him that he'd be back by five at the latest. It was already four o'clock so he would have time to take a shower by the time Carlos returned.
TK always preferred the shower at home to the one at the station. As much as his father had set up the changing rooms at work as if they were Olympic centers, nothing could compare to the shower with hydromassage and chromotherapy that Carlos had installed at home before they moved in.
He could spend hours in there, but five minutes was enough to take away the stress of the day and make him feel like new. That day he decided to extend the experience a little longer by playing music.
Even if Carlos didn't say anything to him when he returned, he knew that the day would have been stressful for his boyfriend, complicated by so many people who, either out of politeness or because they cared about him, would ask him how he was.
TK wanted to be prepared for anything, to help him however necessary, even if it meant crawling into bed with him to cuddle him for the rest of the afternoon, until the night and hunger got the better of them.
He heard the sound of the door and smiled. He looked at the clock; he had imagined that Carlos would be a little longer, but maybe his instinct was right and that Sunday had been too intense for his boyfriend.
Then he heard footsteps approaching.
"In the shower! If you want to join me, the water is hot just the way you like it."
Receiving no reply, he finished rinsing his hair and turned to grab the towel out of the shower, but as he did so, a big, huge hand grabbed his hair and pushed his head against the wall.
Before he felt pain, he heard the thump rumble through the four corners of his head, he opened his eyes, but could only see black and white dots dancing in front of him and two figures approaching.
"We told your boyfriend not to tell anyone or we'd have fun with you."
TK's body could take no more and he felt his legs give out on him. His eyesight went black, and he lost consciousness on the cold, wet floor of the shower.