Fade in to Simmons and Will standing inside the Blue Base at Valhalla.
Simmons: What the hell is all this stuff?
Donut: (enters) Oh, there you are! Did you blow up the base yet?
Simmons: Look at this mess, Donut. It's like he wrecked the place.
Donut: Oh yeah, that's Caboose's project.
Simmons: This is what he's been working on?
Will: He forced me and Delta to help him work on his Church project to make a new body.
Simmons: For the dead guy. Gimme a break. No wonder no one ever wins this war. We're all doing stuff like building lame robots.
Simmons turns around to see Lopez and South standing behind him.
Simmons: Oh, hey... Lopez. Uh, I didn't mean you, I meant other... robots...
South: Wow just wow.
Lopez takes off.
Donut: That was kind of racist.
Simmons: (chases after Lopez) That's not true! I have all kinds of mechanical friends!
Will: Some how I believe that.
Cuts to Sandtrap. The camera zooms out slowly from the side of an Elephant.
Intercom announcer: Just... just give me the microphone. [over the intercom] Do not, under any circumstances, move. You have entered an active mine field.
Caboose: Does thinking count as moving. Because if it does, I think I might've moved—up! I did again.
Grif: Shut up, Caboose!
Alex: Caboose thinking is not moving.
Caboose: Well, I don't want to get exploded!
Sarge: How do we get outta here?
Intercom announcer: We will guide you out.
Sarge: Great! Let us wait for you to come out here then!
Alex: Why would he do that.
Intercom announcer: What? ...no, fuck that, listen! We're not coming out there, okay? Hang tight. We're gonna upload the schematics... we'll be right back. Don't. Move.
Sarge: Grif! What were you thinking driving us straight into a mine field!?
Grif: Me? You were in the passenger seat. That makes you the navigator!
Alex: That's how a road trip works.
Sarge: What are you talking about?
Grif: Everybody knows that. You're in charge of directions!
Sarge: No! The shotgun seat is reserved for the position of respect. And for people who carry shotguns. (holds up shotgun) See? (makes a clicking noise) Quid pro quo. Now Grif, here's the plan. You walk in front of us, very slowly.
Grif: No.
Sarge: If you hear anything that sounds like a small metallic click, or feels like your legs are being blown off, just say, "Found one!"
Will: Why don't you do it!
Grif: Ya Sarge you use your horrible fucking plan!
Caboose: Uh oh! I think I just thought about something again.
Sarge: Three of you, shut up! I need to think of a way out of this mess.
Grif: You mean the mess you navigated us into?
Alex: Delta do you have any ideas!
Delta: I suggest we listen to the man on the intercom.
Sarge: How about you shut up computer program idot. And why don't I come over there and beat you to death!
Grif: (glances around) Pft. Okay, bring it. Just stroll on over here across the mine field and beat me to death.
Sarge: Maybe I will.
Delta: I highly recommend you don't do that.
Grif: Bring it!
Intercom announcer: Look, we can hear you talking. Do not move! Kay? Seriously!
Sarge: Grr.
Caboose: It's not my fault. I'm not moving. I'm not even thinking about moving.
Alex: Sarge stand down or we will die!
Grif: Sarge, since we may not make it out of this, maybe there's a few things I should tell you. You know. Since you can't reach me.
Sarge: Grif...
Grif: Like the reason why I never listen to you. Or never follow your orders. And why I don't think anything you say is ever important.
Sarge angrily grumbles.
Grif: But I want you to understand, Sarge. It's not because I'm lazy. It's because I don't like you. Or respect you. In any way. I have no positive feeling for you.
Sarge reloads his shotgun.
Grif: Now I imagine it can be pretty hard to be an ineffective leader with no respect—
Sarge shoots the shotgun. Grif is unharmed.
Grif: --who doesn't understand that his primary weapon has an effective range much shorter than most weapons, but I think since we're gonna die anyway, you deserve to know that.
Intercom announcer: All right. I'm back. Ready? We're gonna guide you out of there.
Delta: Sarge I suggest you stand down.
Grif: (laughs nervously) You know I was kidding, right?
Cuts back to Valhalla. Lopez is walking away from the Blue Base. Simmons catches up to him.
Simmons: Hey Lopez! Wait up! Hey man, I need some explosives.
Lopez doesn't reply.
Simmons: To blow up Blue Base? You know... did Sarge give you the key to the weapon locker?
Lopez: Sí.
Simmons: Okay. I need about 50 kilos of plastic explosives. Technically five should do it, but I really want to blow the fuck out of that thing. Can you go get it for me?
Lopez: . [I will look into that.] (doesn't move)
Simmons: Uh... I need it right now?
Lopez: [Yes. I'll get right on it. Look at me go.]
Simmons: Hmm. You don't seem to be moving.
Lopez: Sí.
Simmons: This is about that robot comment, isn't it.
Lopez: [Maybe.]
Cuts back to Sandtrap, at the Elephant.
Intercom announcer: Okay, gentlemen. Here's how we're going to do this. We'll guide the two guys in front out, and you two in the jeep, just follow them.
Grif: Okay!
Alex: We get it.
Caboose: Uh, I'm scared.
Intercom announcer: All right. Start by taking two steps forward and then turn to your right.
Sarge: A step ain't exactly a standard measurement, buddy.
Delta: Sarge I suggest you do as is said.
Intercom announcer: Just a step.
Sarge: Yeah, I get it! But what's a step? Like this? (takes two steps forward, then two back) Or this? (sprints forward – right into a mine that explodes; Sarge jumps back, unharmed) Whoa!
Delta: To far.
Intercom announcer: Just a step!!
Sarge: [quickly] Okay, no problem, just a step!
Intercom announcer: All right. Now, walk four steps to your right.
Sarge: You mean our right?
Intercom announcer: Yes.
Caboose: Our-our right? Or your-our right?
Intercom announcer: There is no "my-your right!"
Sarge: Is left north to you? Or is it... or, on the compass, which way?
Caboose: Uhh, what about—
Intercom announcer: Just walk to your right!!
Sarge and Caboose walk to the left, only to rush back seconds later.
Intercom announcer: No!!
A mine goes off.
Sarge, Caboose: Sorry!
Grif: You know what? I just can't take this anymore. Fuck it.
Alex: Grif!
Delta: This is highly illogical!
Grif drives off. Sarge and Caboose do so as well.
Intercom announcer: Yeah, uh, fuck it, just run!
Hordes of explosions come out of nowhere.
Sarge: Son of a—
More explosions occur.