Look at Mother.
23.
••••
Beyoncé POV
Knowles Residence
10:37 a.m.
Missed Calls (7)
Text Message Alert (4)
Sperm donor🚫: Hey Beyoncé. Not sure if my number is still blocked or not, but I'm trying to get in touch with you, it's super important. Call me.
Sent at 6:02 am
Sperm donor🚫: Please call me. Solange has forgiven me and I would like us to be on the same page.
Sent at 7:35 am
Sperm donor🚫: What I need to discuss with you is in connection with who you're dating. I seen you all photo'd out on a date yesterday. Onika is really hot in the media right now and with you already being a famous, you two happen to be the most trending couple right now. Call me ASAP.
Sent at 8:40 am
Sperm donor🚫: Look, I'm in town for a few days and thought that we could have a face to face conversation. I wouldn't mind discussing this over the phone but what I have to tell you is very important!
Sent at 10:10 am
Not sure why this old man keeps blowing up my phone. Four, green text messages and seven, missed phone calls, early in the morning, on my day OFF? Shits Ridiculous.
Mathew rarely reaches out to me so I'm confused as to why he suddenly feels the need to now. My life is going great. I don't need him bringing me down to the trenches with him.
Anything attached to my sperm donor, I want zero parts in. Solange is such a damn empath, forgiving people who never deserves it.
Then he's keeping tabs on me when he should be putting that energy into applying for an AARP card. He definitely fits the age requirement.
I sat my phone back down, attaching it to my six foot charger, that always comes in handy.
Going back to my bathroom, I'm getting dressed to go with Onika to her therapy session. Initially, I was opposed to tagging along, but as long as we keep the subjects about her, I'm alright with it.
Me, personally, I'm not into the whole therapy thing and talking to a stranger about what goes on in my personal life. Never been my cup of tea.
I've never been interested in speaking about how I'm feeling deep inside. The things I think, and feel.. What I reminisce about, I try to keep it deeply tucked away.
I know it isn't healthy but I do tend to journal, as much as possible. I find it the best way for me to cope and release.
I keep my journal well hidden because nothing written in there is pretty. It's a lot of dark shit from my past that should stay, in the past.
No one but Kelly knows about it and that's due to the fact that she's the one who bought it for me with her last four dollars, when we were younger.
I write a lot of poetry and my other entries are simply just to vent about my thoughts in said moment.
However, with Mathew being the root of my problems, it's quite ironic he decided to reach out today, of all days.
I glanced at myself I'm the mirror, assembling my blue Tiffany, studded earrings, to conclude my look.
Looking past my reflection I could see the younger me still trying to heal herself. Crying herself to sleep every night. Wishing she had a better life like all the other kids.
Screaming out for mama's help through her eyes and not by mouth. Daddy said to keep quiet. That he'd hurt her and mama, if she told.
Poor little Yonce.
"I'm sorry I didn't hug you more, or love you more." I mumbled. "You deserved better."
I peeked down, glazing my finger tips over the purple, amethyst necklace that was gifted to me from grandma. A form of protection—is what she use to tell me.
Picking the crystal up to my mouth, I placed kiss upon it.
"Today will be a great day. I won't run into any problems." I affirmed.
Deep down, I didn't believe that, having that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I hate that feeling.
I released a shaky breath, feeling a weak inkling in my knees.
"Lord please. Not right now—please."
I've been avoiding my anxiety medication, not thinking anything of it.
I gripped the edge of the counter to keep balance, as I began to feel a random panic attack on the rise.
Breathe, Bey, Breathe.
I tightly shut my eyes, and started to count.
1. 2. 3. 4...
Exhale.
5. 6. 7. 8.
Inhale.
I envisioned my baby's face. Her smile. I could hear the echos of her cackling at my bad jokes, ending it with a calming sigh.. like she needed that laugh. I pictured her expressing 'I love you, Bey." Before placing her pouty, pink lips upon mine.
Exhale.
I love you too, Onika.
See you soon, my love.
••••
Onika POV
Therapy Session
12:00 pm
"You sure you're good baby? You seem to be in your head about something." I asked, as we walked hand and hand, to the elevator.
"Of course, I'm good. Just thinking about, you know, work stuff."
I don't believe her one bit. She's recently been starting to close herself off from me and I'm not feeling that.
"Okay."
I wasn't even going to probe for the real answer because every time I do, she finds a way to change the subject.
Her perfectionist ways can really be consuming. I could give two fucks about her being imperfect or not, because to me, she'll always be—perfect. Flaws and all.
*Ding*
"You know you can talk to me Bey.." I voiced as we exited the elevator.
"Why didn't you tell me about Robyn having a threesome with my sister and Lauren? Kelly called me crying like a little bitch, playing Summer Walker in the background, smoking a cigarette. I was like girl, stand up! Bitch don't even smoke cigs."
See.
I sucked my teeth. "Bey, you're doing it again."
"Doing what?"
"Changing the subject. You're always comforting me in my time of need and I would love to do the same for you but you don't fuckin talk to me!"
She didn't respond. Not even the slightest eye contact.
I shook my head before knocking on the wooden door that read, 'Dr. Sanaa Lathan' plated in gold, at the top. I could smell the apple wood candle, burning from here.
The door immediately opened, and we were soon presented with my therapist, herself.
"Hello, Onika. I was expecting you. How are you darling?"
"I'm—good, Dr. Lathan. I'm loving the curls today."
Her old ass is so fine.
Well she's not old, she's in her fourties' but still. She's fine.
"Thank you, thank you. Im trying something new. Natural hair requires so much maintenance these days." She chuckled. "And you must be Beyoncé, nice to meet you." She said, reaching her hand out.
"It's a pleasure to meet you as well, Dr. Lathan. I've heard great things from Onika, here." Beyoncé shook her hand back, with her famous, widened smile.
Bey then looked me and I nodded. We were definitely thinking the same thing.
We soon took our seats on the couch across from Dr. Lathan.
I modestly slid my hand into Beyoncé's, clasping them together. Although, I said what I said, I still wanted to reassure her, I'm here. Always.
She peered down at our hands briefly, with a small smile, placing a kiss on the back of my hand.
My eyes began to travel from her naturally long eyelashes, to her nose down to her pretty, subtle, dimples. I love her side profile.
Dr. Lathan cleared her throat, forcing me out of my admiring glaze for my lover.
"Sorry. Sometimes I get lost in her beauty. It can sometimes be—intoxicating."
"Completely understandable, Onika. No need to apologize. It seems by the blush color resting on Beyoncé's face, she feels the same way. I love it."
Beyoncé and I made a hasty eye contact, before she placed a gentle peck on my forehead.
"I love my girlfriend with everything in me. She makes me feel satisfied, buoyant too. I find myself always on cloud nine when I'm around her. She's like a medicine that I wouldn't be able to function, without."
She's definitely about to get fucked in the car, when we leave.
"Hm. Beautifully said Beyoncé."
"Thank you."
"Onika speaks highly of you all the time. You're a big part of her life. I can tell you two are soulmates."
"Absolutely." We replied in union.
Dr. Lathan soon started off with a usual rotation of questions on how I'm feeling and my progression this week. I explained that the daily affirmations have made a significant change in my day to day life, in a positive way.
"Last week you were expressing to me how you and your daughter were all over the media and that it was one of your main fears due to the protection of Lotus. Explain to me how it's been having to be out in public these days. Do you get anxious or nervous?"
"Well with me already having a platform here in Houston, I will say it hasn't been too awful. I do acquire more stares than usual and suddenly, we have some paparazzi here in Houston, who happens to capture me out with Bey, lately. I do tend to keep Lotus out of the public for the time being. I believe it's for the best.
Beyoncé also hired a bodyguard to follow me a good distance away, whenever I have to go somewhere and she's isn't available. So in conclusion, I wouldn't say that I'm nervous, more so, just taking everything with a grain of salt.
Mama Tina has been an awesome help with Lotus and I'm very grateful for that. Although it does sadden me that most of my support system pretty much vanished. I relied on my mother and Aaliyah the most when it came to my daughter. It's been a very interesting processing not being able to just call them and be around them like I use to you.. I—I miss it sometimes, you know? The old days, that is, but I'm adjusting."
I felt Beyoncé give my hand a couple comforting squeezes as I spoke.
I watched as Dr. Lathan finished jotting down notes.
"That's completely normal Onika. Firstly, I would like to say how proud I am of you. Your progression throughout each week, is such a site to see." She uttered, then winked at me.
"When you first came to me, you were fidgety and not as talkative, which was expected, but the woman before me now, is courageous, confident and obviously in love. You kind of remind me of my younger self. Finding my actual purpose in this world. Trying to figure out why things weren't going the way I wanted them to. Just for me to realize a few bridges had to burn, as they were blocking the blessings awaiting at my door step. You're phenomenal and I can't wait to see you months later from now, one hundred percent, sure of Onika Tanya Maraj."
I wasn't lying when I said this lady is amazing. I couldn't help the huge smile expanding across my face.
"Thank you so much, Dr. Lathan. I couldn't have gotten this far without you. I'm glad I didn't hesitate coming to therapy. At first I felt embarrassed about it but you proved to me that everything is a working progress."
"Absolutely, absolutely." She then turned her attention to Beyoncé, clearing her throat.
"I know this session is supposed to be about Onika but I can't help but ask, how are you Beyoncé? I can read body language really well so I'd like it if you were honest with me." She brushed her hand against Beyoncé's knee.
My eyes widened. Let me find out this bitch trynna fuck us.
I've heard good things about mature pussy. Just saying.
"I'm good. Happy to be here beside Onika. Not sure what you're sensing here but I can assure to you, I'm good."
"Onika must've never told you that I don't like liars." Dr. Lathan arched her right brow.
It's too much Virgo energy in the room for me.
"I have nothing to lie about."
"Oh really? I can visually see the sweat breads forming on you forehead and you're beginning to squirm in your seat. Uncomfortable, are we?
This is a therapy session. There aren't any cameras around and there's nothing to hide. I'm going to need you to breath before you have a panic attack. Here. Take my hands."
Dr. Lathan held her hands out for Beyoncé to grab.
She's done this technique with me before. She first feels for your pulse to find the rate that it's going. Then she goes over her special breathing exercises.
I could see Beyoncé's wall gradually coming down, second by second. She looked at me for assurance.
"Go ahead baby. I'm right here. You can trust her." I rubbed the small of her back, seeing the unsure look washed over her face.
I rarely ever see Beyoncé venerable. Like it's super rare. Unless, I have her hand cuffed, eating her glistening pussy from the back, with my thumb in her ass.
I internally giggled just thinking about it.
Bey then slowly, placed her hands into Dr. Lathan's. I could see her start to relax in her embrace.
"Notice how it feels when you inhale and exhale normally. Mentally scan your body. You might feel tension in your body that you never noticed.
Take a slow, deep breath through your nose.
Notice your belly and upper body expanding.
Exhale in whatever way is most comfortable for you, sighing if you wish. Do this for several minutes, paying attention to the rise and fall of your belly."
I watched as Beyoncé completely unraveled. It's like whatever weight she's been carrying on her shoulders, is lifting.
I hope it's not my fault.. whatever it is, she's battling.
"Choose a word to focus on and vocalize during your exhale. Words like "safe" and "calm" can be effective."
"Whales."
"Okay. That works. Now Imagine your inhale washing over you like a gentle wave. Imagine your exhale carrying negative and upsetting thoughts and energy away from you.
When you get distracted, gently bring your attention back to your breath and your words."
I continued watching as Beyoncé practiced Dr. Lathan's technique for about 25 minutes. Her cheeks were completely drenched from her none stopped tears.
I wanted to console her so bad as soon as they started but Dr. Lathan mouth to me let her release this.
"Baby?"
I went to touch her thigh, to get her attention and she jumped.
Shit.
"I-I'm sorry Bey. It's me. You don't have to be afraid of me."
I watched as her face softened and met my gaze. She still hasn't spoken.
Dr. Lathan handed me a tissue box. I grabbed a piece bringing it towards her face.
"Can I wipe your face baby?"
She blinked a few times, eventually nodding.
I dabbed her face with the tissue, gently. I didn't want a repeat of what happened a minute ago. She just stared at me as I dried her face.
"You still look beautiful." I whispered.
I looked to Dr. Lathan to give me answers as to why Bey wasn't talking or why I couldn't touch her.
"She's still in a state of shock. I'm assuming she just relived something very traumatic for her based on her reaction. Give her time, as she has released this heavy burden she's been carrying for what seems like, awhile.
All you can do is be of support to her, talk to her. Rather she responds or not, she can hear you. Just pay attention to her body language for now. She may even talk through her eyes. She'll be fine though. This is completely normal. Don't over think it, alright?"
I nodded. "Okay. I won't."
"I would like it if you could bring her back. You can schedule her a solo session or continue to bring her to yours. Completely up to you but I would like a follow up."
"That's fine. I'll be sure to talk it over with Bey. Thank you for your expertise today. We appreciate it."
"Anytime." She smirked.
••••
4:25 pm
Beyoncé is currently taking a nap, so I established that I'll start on dinner sorta early. I decided on one of her favorite dishes, shrimp etouffee and white rice.
I actually got this recipe from Mama Tina. I had her create me a small folder of Beyoncé's favorite meals, over the years.
"Mama."
"Yes Lo?"
"Why they so pressed about you? What you do to them?"
I chuckled. "Babyyy."
"Do it like it's your b-day!" She concluded, popping a grape in her mouth.
I found out yesterday, her little bad ass have been sneaking, going live on Tiktok. I snatched that iPad from her so fast.
I put the authorization lock on it so now I can see everything that she does from my phone. It'll send me a notification whenever she accesses it and what apps she's occupying.
I didn't punish her or anything because it wasn't necessary. She just wanted to talk to her followers which is understandable but I did explain to her the importance of asking me first and how it could possibly be an invasion of privacy. People be weird as hell on them apps.
Her reading is progressing too and I don't want her coming across an ignorant comment.
"Is your room clean like I asked?"
"Yes ma'am. It's totally spotless. You look pretty today, by the way mommy."
"Mhm you're not getting your iPad back. At least not at the moment."
She folded her arms. "I'm telling Ms. Bey on you!" She said getting down from the stool.
"Aht aht! You better not wake her up."
"I'm not. I'm just going to go check on her. I think she maybe sick because she looked a little sad earlier."
She's so smart and can sense when things are slightly off. It's a blessing and a curse.
"Okay pumpkin. Try to be as quiet as you can."
She skipped away with her bag of grapes in hand.
"It's the hard knock life for us. It's the hard knock life for us! Instead of treated, we get tricked!" She sang on her way up the stairs.
"Little girl, you do not get treated like Annie!" I semi-yelled, shaking my head.
What am I going to do with her?
••••
I had just finished cooking and plated Beyoncé's food on a serving tray. In addition, I made her a lavender jasmine tea with a side of lemon wedges, to help soothe her anxiousness.
I'm hoping she feels somewhat better after her nap. When we got home earlier, she didn't really vocalize much. She pursued with one word responses.
I would like to know what triggered her today. I feel like I'm in the dark about everything right now.
Maybe I'm being selfish and should give her some space to sort things out. Maybe I don't need to know everything..
I felt a vibration from my phone, knocking me out of my thoughts.
Text Message Alert:
Unknown Number: I need to talk to you. It's about Nasir and Beyoncé. Please give me a call if you can.
I scrunched my face up in confusion. Why is someone texting my new number want to discuss Nasir? I don't want anything to do with that man.
I shut my phone off, heading to my room with Bey's food in hand.
Walking into my room, I melted at the sight.
Lotus was laying her head in Beyoncé's chest, with her curls sprawled out, as Bey ran her fingers through them. Bey was singing to her, in a soprano tone.
"My power flurries through the air into the grooound. My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around.
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I'm never going back, the past is in the pastttt."
Her voice is like water. Flows so effortlessly. I can tell this was one the songs from the Frozen soundtrack. Lotus watches the movie nonstop.
"Let it go, let it go! When I'll rise like the break of dawn. Let it go, let it gooo! That perfect girl is gone."
Lotus sang dramatically, hands in the air and all. She was actually carrying a little tune. I know that's right.
The small gleam in Beyoncé's eyes made my heart flutter.
I took my time, gradually, approaching Bey with her meal. I can tell she caught a swift of the scent because her eyes shot directly towards my way.
"Hello sleepyhead. I made your favorite." I said, placing the tray of food on the tv stand.
"Shrimp etouffee??"
"Yes. I got the recipe from Mama."
"Aww baby. You didn't have to do that! It looks amazing. Give me a kiss! " She puckered her lips at me. I leaned down to her, placing a soft peck on her lips, causing Lotus to scoff.
I looked over to her to see her mugging me.
"Do we have a problem?"
"We do. Sorry to break it to you mommy but Ms. Bey is mine, isn't that right Ms. Bey?"
Beyoncé was already grubbing on her food.
"Mhm."
I narrowed my eyes at her.
She cleared her throat. "I meant no. Sorry Lotus."
"It doesn't matter anyways. I already have Titan on lock." She mumbled exiting the room.
That is Robyn's child.
I removed Beyoncé plate from her hands putting it back the tray. I straddled her lap, and began kissing all over her face.
"Stoooppp! I wanna eat!!!"
"No."
I continued kissing her, making my way down to her neck. I pecked all over her beauty marks.
"Wanna know something?"
"No. I wanna eat my food."
"I love you, Giselle."
"I love you more."
I picked her food back up and began to feed her.
"So.. How did I do? It was my first time making it." I already knew she liked it because she was fucking it up. I just wanted the ego boost.
"You did alright." She shrugged.
I know you fuckin lying.
"Bey you literally licked the plate.."
She laughed. "I know. I'm just fuckin witchu baby. You did great for your first time. It had a kick of spice, just how I like it."
She brung her hands to my ass, gently massaging it.
I want to bring up the therapy session but I'm not sure how to go about it.
"Bey."
"Nope. I don't want to talk about it."
"How did you—"
"Shhh." She spanked my thigh, causing a whimper to release from my mouth.
She tugged at the seem of my shorts, pulling them down as far as she could.
"What I tell you about not wearing no panties?"
"I—uh, I took em off when we got home.
W-When I was changing clothes. I did wear some out in public so you can't really be mad at m-"
She pinched my clit really hard catching me off guard.
"OUCH! What the fuck?!"
"Don't lie to me."
"You know what? Bye. I'm leaving because you're being an ass right now." I pulled up my shorts climbing off of her.
Before I could get fully out of the door way. I was yanked by waist, and thrown onto the bed like a rag doll.
"Stop always trying to leave when you're mad! You act like a damn child sometimes. Don't piss me off Onika."
"I haven't even done shit to piss you off Beyoncé!!! If anything I'm trying to be there for you and you're not allowing me to! What more do you want me to do?!"
"Maybe you should start by listening to me. If I tell you I don't like something and you continue to do it of course I might not react how you want. Should've fuckin listened in the first place!"
"I think you should leave."
I'm trying my hardest to keep calm momentarily. I'm not exactly sure why she's acting out like this but I don't want to be around her.
I watched as her eye color gradually darkened as she began to approach me.
"I'm not going anywhere."
••••
Comment & Vote
•I originally was going to scrap this long ass chapter. - Thoughts?
Why is Mathew reaching out?
Beyoncé?
Onika?
Dr. Lathan?
Who's the unknown number?
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