Fade in to Caboose. He is talking to the Epsilon unit. Will walking over
Caboose: Then there was the time we got a tank. Of course no one knew how to drive it, but then there was a big fight, my team got in trouble. So I talked to the tank. She was really nice, you're really gonna like her. Anyways, the team was in trouble, and I had to use the tank to drive out there to help them. ...Well, help most of them. ...Erm, some of them. ...Okay, let's just say this: I drove the tank, and some people got helped... and some other people didn't get helped. ...Details aren't really important.
Will: Most of that is false he killed you.
Cut to the Red Base. Sarge is running around, searching through multiple areas of the base for Grif. He ends in front of the Warthog.
Sarge: Grif! Where the hell are ya? Grif! Grif? Grif! Come on!
Grif: (from in the base) I'm in here!
Sarge: Where are you? Grif, I need you!
Grif: In here, in the base!
Sarge: I can't hear you! Get out here!
Sarge runs towards the base while Grif is exiting it.
Grif: Okay. Damn, what is it?
Sarge: Where's Simmons?
Grif: Simmons? If you wanted Simmons, then why didn't you yell like a lunatic for Simmons?
Sarge: Damn it, Grif! I entrusted you with one duty! And that's to know exactly where Simmons is at all times so I can find him! Simmons watches Donut, Lopez watches Alex, South watches Lopez I watch South and Alex watches Doc when he is on our team, and Donut watches me.
Grif: Yeah, who watches me?
Sarge: Nobody. You move less than Donut does. Now where's Simmons?
Grif: I don't know, he's downstairs in your hologram simulatron or whatever the hell you call it with Alex, and South.
Sarge: Excellent work, Private Grif!
Grif: Wow! Thank you, sir.
Sarge: I'm gonna recommend you for a big shiny medal!
Grif: Okay, you're being sarcastic right now, aren't you?
Sarge: Oh, absolutely! ...Wait, was your question sarcastic?
Grif: Who knows? Probably? Unless—wait, are you being sarcastic right now by asking that?
Awkward silence.
Sarge: Hm. Maybe we should drop this conversation.
Grif: Yeeah...
Sarge: (starts heading into the base) What's Simmons doing downstairs?
Grif: Sorry! Not in my job description!
Sarge: (grunts) I'll ask him myself...
Cuts to inside the simulation room, where Simmons, South and Alex are working on the jeep.
Sarge: Simmons! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!
Simmons: Really? Sorry, sir. I was just down here working on the jeep prototype. I know you really want to see it built, and we need to work on a few bugs in the design.
Sarge: A few bugs?
Simmons: Yeah, you know, like the fact it stalls every time we fire the magnetic cannon, because you based it on an EMP.
Sarge: Oh, right!
Simmons: Kind of a critical flaw, if you don't mind me saying.
Sarge: Oh, I don't mind you saying! Feedback is important.
Simmons: It's just that sometimes I feel bad criticizing your work... you know, because you're in charge and all.
Sarge: Simmons, there's no reason to feel that way! You're a valuable member of the team! I always find your feedback to be both insightful, and appropriate.
Simmons: ...Really?
Sarge: I know I can be rough sometimes, but that's only because it's hard being the leader! You know, dealing with those dirty Blues and that lousy Grif character all the time!
Simmons: He is lazy, sir.
Sarge: I don't mean to complain, but sometimes... I just... need a friend... Simmons, we've been working together a long time. I hope I can call you a friend. And that you can call me... the same.
Simmons: Gosh, sir, I don't know what to say! If it's okay with you, I would really like it if I could just call you "dad."
South: This is so sad.
Alex: I know.
The real Sarge suddenly appears at the top level of the simulation room.
Sarge: Simmons, are you down here?
Simmons: [shocked] What? Yes! I mean... yes! Give me a second, don't come in!
Sarge: What the hell are you doing?
Simmons: Nothing! We were just working on your jeep design and—
Sarge: What? Stay away from my jeep! It's perfect! You'll just mess it up!
South: It has an error.
Simmons: (sighs) Yes, sir.
Sarge: And who are you talking to?
Simmons sighs again as he turns to the simulated Sarge standing nearby him. A blue glow emits from below the simulated Sarge and he vanishes immediately.
Simmons: (sighs) [dejectedly] Nobody.
Sarge: Well, get upstairs on the pronto! We need to have a meeting! And I need someone to agree with me.
Simmons: Do you want to brief me on the details first, so I know what I'll be agreeing to?
Sarge: Oh yeah, I'll get riiiight on that. Send you a memo.
Simmons: Really? Because I've been working on the template and I think it's ready to—
Sarge: No! Of course not! Why the hell would I do that? What, did you get exposed to radiation or something down here? (leaves room) That boy's gone crazy...
Simmons: I like my digital life so much more than my stupid real life.
Alex: Your digital life is so sad.
A simulated Grif and Alex appears.
Holo-Grif: I love boners!
Holo-Alex: And I'm a smelly idiot who loves sex.
Simmons: (follows after Sarge) Shut up, fake Grif you to fake Alex.
Alex shots the Holo-Alex.
Alex: Next one goes in your head if I see that agin.
Cuts to outside the entrance of the Red Base. Grif South, Alex and Sarge are watching Simmons approach.
Sarge: Finally! Maybe now we can get started!
Grif: What's your problem?
Simmons: Nothing. Leave me alone.
Alex: He wants sarge to be his dad.
Sarge: Men, as you know, the Blues have been erased from Command records, for some unknown reason.
Simmons: Unknown? Sir, we're the ones that did it!
Sarge: You can't prove that.
South: I'm pretty sure delta logged deleting Blue Team.
Simmons: I think we can—
Grif: Prove it to who?
Simmons: —because we're the ones that did it.
Sarge: Allegedly.
Simmons: Not allegedly. You told me to do it, and I did it.
Sarge: Reportedly! Let's not go accusing people and inviting a lawsuit until we know the facts!
Alex: What is he talking about?
Grif: Who's gonna sue us? Us? We're gonna—wait, we're gonna sue ourselves?
Sarge: I'm going to defer this conversation to my legal team.
Grif: So, that means the staff meeting is over?
Sarge: No!
Grif: Why not?
Sarge: We have too much to discuss! Isn't that right, Simmons?
Simmons: (sighs) Absolutely, sir. No one has ever been more right than you.
Grif: Wow, someone's phoning it in.
Sarge: If the Blues aren't in Command's database, that means even if we destroy them in a resounding victory, it still won't count as a win! It's like we didn't even beat anybody!
Grif: Hey, that's right! I never thought about that, sir!
Simmons: Meh. Whatever.
Sarge: So that means, we can't kill the Blues.
South: Because it won't count?
Grif: Exactly. Because if we defeated them, it won't even count. And that's the best part about winning a war: getting the points.
Sarge: Bingo!
Simmons: (without enthusiasm) No, why would we try to win, it's only what we're supposed to do.
Sarge: We need to find a way to get them back into the database first.
Grif: So, your plan is to hold off our attack until our superior officers take notice of one of the teams in this canyon? And, notice them well enough to actually go out of their way and add them back into the database? Or, do anything at all in any way to formally recognize us in an official capacity?
Sarge: You got it.
Grif: This is probably the single greatest plan I've ever heard in my entire life.
Simmons: You would think that, kiss-ass.
South: I can't believe Grif is a kiss asssssss- that feels wrong to say.
Sarge: Simmons! Can it! And thank-you, Private... ugh... Grif? Urgh!
Grif: You're... welcome? Am I... saying that right?
Alex: What the fuck is happening am I hallucinating.
Sarge: So! Our first order of business should be to fortify our own team! Get ready for the big battle! Let's get Donut back on his feet.
They all turn to where Donut previously was, but he is gone.
Grif: Hey, where's Donut?
Sarge: Simmons, where'd he go!?
Simmons: How would I know?
Sarge: Keeping track of Donut is one of yer duties!
Grif: Oohhoohoo, busted!
Simmons: Meh, who cares.
Alex: What is happening!?
Cuts to Caboose and Will inside the Blue Base. He is still talking to the Epsilon unit. The camera slowly zooms out from Caboose as he is speaking.
Caboose: And then there was the time we turned all of our armor black, because Tex was captured. You remember her. I told you all about her. It was a crazy adventure. Then there was another time when she helped us break into O'Malley's fortress.
The camera slowly pans to the right, revealing Donut standing right behind Caboose.
Caboose: Didn't I tell you that one already? (suddenly glances up) Hey! Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched by someone? (after a brief silence) Donut, I'm asking you a question.
Delta: Donut has been standing there for the past hour.