ellie grazer
| 𝗕𝗢𝗬𝗙𝗥𝗜𝗘𝗡𝗗 |
#. 007
"𝗢𝗛 𝗠𝗬 𝗚𝗢𝗗, finally." An exasperated sigh protruded from Alina's lips as I watched her collapse onto her freshly replaced sheets, out of exhaustion.
We had been bringing in and unpacking boxes for the last couple hours and by the time it had hit three o'clock, the room had finally began to look like home. Even with double help, it had taken hours and it only took about an hour in for Alina to to question if she had brought too much stuff.
"What time is it?" She lifted her phone up and I watched her eyes go wide as she read the numbers across her lock screen. "We've literally been unpacking boxes for four hours."
"Have we actually?" I asked in a small tone while wandering over to her bed. I sat down on the edge and looked back at Alina, who was just giving me a puzzled look. "What?"
"Lay down with me." She spoke through a laugh as she patted the space next to her.
My bones stiffened and I felt my limbs practically freeze as I looked at her with parted lips. I felt my heart beating in a quickened pace and it was almost as if I was glued to one spot. I knew what she had asked of me and I knew what she had said. And every part of me was crumbling in the light of her words.
She jokily rolled her eyes, probably annoyed by my movements, the lack there of I should say. I felt her soft skin cover my arm in her gentle grip, that I begged to constantly feel. It was a light pressure but enough of an amount to tug me down next to her.
I shuffled slightly to get comfortable and find a position that wasn't awkward and it only took me a few seconds to be laying down with her where we were both on our backs. I crossed my hands over my stomach and was rubbing my knuckles with my slightly sweaty fingers. I could feel the panic in my veins and the jump in my heart that I was shocked Alina didn't see.
Nothing was even happening and I just felt so nervous. Being so close to her just sent electricity to my cheeks. It wasn't anything to flaunt. What we were doing was everything that friends did. Yet, my heart was racing. I didn't know why. I just wanted to be in this position for awhile. Just next to her for however long it may be. I didn't mind forever.
"You think we did a good job?" I asked while trying to conceal the shake in my tone.
I felt her eyes hinder on me while hearing the movement of her sheets as I could see her turn her head towards me. I swallowed the clump in my throat as I turned to face her as well. Being so close, I could make out the very light freckles that dusted across her cheeks and nose. I couldn't help but study the natural lines in her skin and tiny indents in her cheeks every time she smiled.
"Yeah." Her teeth glistened at me and I watched her eyes meet mine before they unexpectedly looked away. "We did amazing." Her cheer felt authentic as she lifted her head a little and took a glance around the room. "Look at this place."
I followed her own actions and looked around myself. All of our stuff seemed to fill the room well without looking over crowded or tacky. There was a clear difference in decoration styles as her side was a lot more simple with a cork board of polaroids with friends rather than mine with posters and tapestries. Alina didn't seem bothered though. She hadn't been negative about our clear differences at all actually and it made me melt over her even more.
"I think we should be interior designers, El." She told me with another huge grin while turning to her side to look at me fully.
"I agree." I looked over at her while nodding. "We should have our own TV show of us decorating houses."
She opened her mouth, wide with a gasp. "We should!"
I couldn't help but laugh at her enthusiasm. "Would get a million hits I bet."
"It really would." She looked at me with a smug nod and a smirk.
I caught her expression in the corner of my eye and took a glance at her before looking back at the ceiling. I couldn't help but let my mind wonder and muttered out a tiny laugh which was followed by a smile.
"You know," I looked down from the ceiling and faced Alina instead. "You are the only person that calls me El." It wasn't a lie. Not even my own Mother did. I wasn't complaining though, I liked that Alina was the only person who referred to me as that. My heart always bloomed every time it slipped from her lips.
She looked at me with a slight frown, a skeptic look was on her face. "Really?"
I hummed in reply while nodding my head, my face being turned to her the whole time in the process.
She laughed aloud and fell onto her back once again yet with her head turned to me. "I thought everyone called you that."
I hummed once again as I now rolled onto my side to talk to her face to face, instead. "Just you." I spoke in a slightly lowered volume than usual and I couldn't help but gleam at her deep, umber coloured eyes. I just wanted to look at her all day long.
"It can't just be me." She told me with the same skeptic look. "What about your friends? Boyfriend? Surely they call you El." She nudged my shoulder slightly.
I softly shook my head. "For my friends, it's always just been Ellie." I spoke like I even had friends. But for the very few I did have, it was always Ellie.
She chuffed at my reply. "There's no way."
"I'm being serious!" I exclaimed with a tiny laugh. "Why is that so hard to believe?"
"Because every name suitable for a nickname, has one. And your name has a nickname and everyone refers to people by their nicknames." She explained to me with an almost raised brow, voicing her words with a tone implying that what she was saying, was common knowledge.
"Not me." I shook my head once more, disregarding the 'truth' of her words.
"I refuse to believe that." She shook her own head this time. "Okay, what about your boyfriend then? Has he ever called you El?"
The question made me pause. It was out of natural habit for every time someone asked me about having a boyfriend. It wasn't necessarily a weird question, just an awkward one.
"I don't have a boyfriend." Now my tone was a lot lower than usual. It was only because of the reasoning behind it. I just didn't like questions to do with boys as I'd always have to think of excuses on the dot as to why I didn't have a boyfriend while somehow not using the excuse that I was gay.
"You don't have a boyfriend?" That caused Alina to sit back up onto her elbow again and look at me with an almost shocked face.
I shook my head with a tiny smile, slightly hoping she wouldn't ask why even though I knew that these conversations always resulted in why I didn't have one.
"Are you serious?" She sounded genuinely confused at my statement.
"I've never had a boyfriend." I told her which only resulted in even more shock to rush to her face.
"You're lying." She said bluntly.
"I'm being serious." I chuckled at her expression and serious tone. Come on, it was clearly obvious.
Her mouth was open as she just stared at me with wide eyes. How was this so hard to believe?
"How do you not?" She shook her head, seemingly more confused.
"I just don't want one." I shrugged my shoulder before lying back down onto my back. "I don't want to date in college. Besides, my Mom would kill me if she found out I had a boyfriend. Right now, I just want to focus on school." I explained to her which was only partially true. Okay, well most of it was a lie. The focussing on school was accurate but the main fault in my story was the fact that it was a guy I was talking about.
"Fair enough." She finally spoke after a few moments of listening to what I said. "I'm just shocked you've never had at least one."
"Why?" I shook my head and looked at her with a small frown.
"Because you're like, so pretty." She told me as she adjusted herself back onto her back as well, making both of our heads turn to the others. "No one ever asked you out?"
I shook my head. I wasn't bothered by my lack of dating life at all if I were honest. I didn't care about guys as it was anyway. I guess I was a little disappointed that I'd never had a girlfriend at least but either way I'd never be able to even get one in the first place. I was terrified of coming out let alone getting outed. It was the last thing I ever planned on doing. I was trying to spend every day avoiding my sexuality in the first place but I had only now just noticed that it was all I had been doing.
No, I wasn't sitting in bed thinking about how gay I was. It was mainly just allowing the urges to come through me again. It was like I wasn't ignoring them anymore. Since meeting Alina, urges was all I had seemed to really be feeling. Especially when she was around. My heart would race and I would let it. My thoughts would run and I would allow them too. I wasn't ready to accept the idea of having a crush but being around her was all the acceptance I needed to feel like myself. That wasn't a crush, was it?
"Well," she cleared her throat while sitting up. "If I was a guy, I would totes' ask you out."
I felt the breeze of her body pass over me and the warmth had radiated away. I couldn't help but feel my heart go slightly numb. It was like a domino affect throughout my body, each part of me taking a hit from her words.
Yeah, if you were a guy.
⚘᠂