DIXIE JANE DAMELIO
Heartbreak; overwhelming distress.
When your heart breaks, you're never quite the same person you were while it was still whole. Your world feels like it's constantly running around in circles, getting you nowhere in life besides your bathroom floor, with tears constantly running down your face.
Happiness. It no longer exists. That joy that you felt in your life. The part of you that kept you going. It was gone. Everything was gone. You had no one but yourself. Most days you didn't even have yourself. You had a person you didn't recognize; a stranger.
Going through the process of losing someone to who you have your whole heart, doesn't mean you lose them. You lose a part of yourself. The part that makes you who you are.
"What do you miss most about him?" Dixie's therapist questioned. "His scent." She reminisced on the times he held her in his arms, putting her to sleep. "How so?" She looked down at the ground, hoping the world would stop. Her world was still spinning in circles, and no matter how hard she tried, it never stopped.
"He just always smelled so.... calming. It wasn't something I knew how to explain. I just miss how he used to hold me, and how he smelt like home." The therapist looked at her with sorrow. Dixie was in pain. "Is that it? Do you miss anything else?" She questioned yet again, crossing her legs.
Warm tears began to make their way down her face. She could picture him in front of her. What he would say, how it would make her feel better in an instant. "I miss his eyes. He has such beautiful eyes." She imagined he was looking at her in admiration, just like how he used to.
"He always had this look in his eyes. As if I were the only girl in the world." She looked back to all the nights they spent together, when he would stroke his hand gently along her cheek, reassuring her she was the only one she loved. "I miss being looked at like that." She sighed, looking back down at the ground.
"What about your current boyfriend? Does he not make you feel that way?" The question lingered in her head. She tried to compare the two men. She tried to convince herself of something she didn't truly believe. "He does. But it's different."
Furrowing her eyebrows, the therapist looked at her, waiting patiently for more context. "It's different because I'm not the same person I was before. I don't find comfort in those things now. Not like how I did with Noah."
Her memory went all the way back to when they first started dating. Their endless nights exploring the city, just enjoying each other's company. They used to stare up at the sky, admiring the stars that looked over them. It was peaceful, and it was everything they needed.
"Have you told him that?" She simply nodded her head. Talking was hard. It required a lot of energy, and that was something Dixie didn't have. "And why haven't you?" The questions were becoming too much. "It's the end of our time." She jumped up out of the chair, grabbing her belongings.
"Dixie. We made progress today, I look forward to next week." The therapist flashed her a quick smile before she was able to shut the door. "Progress my ass." Mumbling under her breath, Dixie made her way out of the office. It was calm and peaceful, full of people who just wanted to resolve their problems and nothing more.
~~~~
"How did therapy go? Did you make any progress?" Jaden stood in front of her, grabbing her hand gently, and bringing her towards his chest. She thought about her previous conversation. She didn't smell the scent she wished she could. She didn't feel at home.
"The stupid therapist said that I did, but I don't believe her. We've been going over the same thing over and over again." She backed away, grabbing water from the kitchen. Nothing could keep her mind off of the conversation. Nothing could keep her mind off of what she missed so badly. What she wanted to have back so bad. But also what she knew she never would have back.
"Baby your always saying that, I bet your therapist is right. I'm proud of you." He replied, and in return, Dixie smiled. "I know this is hard for you, and I know you miss him. But you also have me now. I love you, and I'm here for the long run." She nodded her head in return, making her way to the bedroom.
"I'm gonna shower!" She yelled from the room, closing the bathroom door and turning on the water. "I'm gonna get us some food, I'll be back soon!" Jaden yelled back, before grabbing his keys and exiting the apartment.
As the door closed, Dixie began stripping herself from the clothing. She felt claustrophobic. Her breathing wasn't steady, and with every move, she began to shake. It was hard feeling so trapped in your own life. It was hard knowing that the person you were, would never come back.
People change. Feelings are lost. Hearts get broken. It was life. It was the constant circle that life itself roamed around. People are basically social experiments. You get destroyed, and you can never quite piece yourself back together. But hey, at least you learn a lifelong lesson that no one can be trusted. Not even your own judgment.
See, when the heart wants something, it will do everything in its power to keep beating. Even if in the end, your life would be useless. Even if your whole being and what you stand for shatters. It gets what it wants. It always does. Except it deals with the consequences when it's already too late. Nothing will change. And everything you did to get to that point, was a mistake.
Dixie sat in the shower, her tears wetting herself more than the water. Being in love with someone who lost feelings was a different kind of pain because you know that something about you wasn't enough for them. You didn't make them happy as they made you. And the pure thought of that left a gap in her entire being.
They broke up a year and a half ago. It's been a year and a half, and yet she still longed for him. She still hoped that one of these days he would appear out of thin air, and declare his love for her. She still hopes that one day life would be perfect. No more therapists. No more issues.
Unfortunately, that's not how this twisted world works. Most people don't get their happy endings. They just get a life full of pain and misery. A life that you would trade for another in a matter of seconds.
Some people deal with what they have. They pretend their life is perfect. But pretending can only go on for so long. Eventually, you just get tired. You give up because there's no point in fighting anymore.
"Fuck my life," Dixie whispered. Her voice was shaky. Her body gave her no strength, so she just laid on the floor, letting the water run. It was hard to keep fighting when you had no one to fight for.
~~~~
"If you had the chance, would you take him back?" She sat in front of the therapist yet again, her arms crossed in her lap. This time, she tried to not let her emotions get to the best of her, but when her mind went back to all the good times yet again, she couldn't help but sniff at the memories.
"I would. 100 percent." She said with a stern look on her face. "And why would you? Even if you got hurt again?" The therapist questioned. She seemed shocked by Dixie's answer. But she knew Dixie was ignorant when it came to her past relationship. She doesn't realize that it would be best for her to just move on.
"Yes. Because at least I could relive my happiest moments." Dixie lacked knowledge. When the relationship ended, she didn't spend any time moving on. She didn't have rebounds like most girls. She just fantasized that one day he would come back. But he never did, and she never let herself recover.
"What if I told you that you could be happier if you finally moved on." Dixie immediately nodded her head at the statement. "How could I possibly be happier?" She was in complete disbelief. She was stubborn, to say the least.
"Relationships are life lessons. If you finally let go of the past, you would realize that's it's for the better. You could finally enjoy your relationship now, with a guy who actually loves you. Don't ruin that Dixie." Dixie sighed in response. She already knew that. But if it was that easy, she would have done it by now.
"Look, Ms. Therapist lady, I hired you so you could help me with my problems, not so you could tell me everything I'm doing wrong. I just need to feel semi-normal again, and If you can't help me do that, then I will gladly find myself another therapist." Patience was one thing that Dixie lacked. She didn't like being judged. I'm guessing she didn't fully understand what getting a therapist meant.
"Dixie if you want to fire me, then you can gladly do so. But that just proves, yet again, that you are running away from your problems. You are in pain, and I understand that. But the only way that it's ever going to get better is if you let yourself process it, and then move on. It's not going to be easy, but in the end, it's what's going to save your life."
Living was hard. If It was easy, then everyone would be happy, and no problems would exist. But yet again, that's just not how it works, and over time, you learn to live with it. "I just want to help you. That is what I'm here for. But you need to cooperate." The therapist told her sternly. In response, Dixie simply nodded.
"Okay. Now, what makes you miss him so much? What makes him different from everyone else? Dixie sighed at the question, remaining herself of all the memories that danced around in her head. "I don't know how to explain it. He was my first real love. I had my first real moments of happiness with him. I shared my whole life with him until he walked out of it."
"He made me feel loved. I wasn't judged. He supported me. No one else has ever done that. Not like how he did." She elaborated. She felt crazy. No one understood her. She didn't even understand herself most of the time. "I know I sound crazy. But I felt normal knowing I could come home to him. I don't feel normal without him."
For 2 years, Dixie had a person she could come home to. She had a person that she could ven to, and a person who could get rid of her problems both mentally and physically. She lost that. She got used to living her life with him, that her life isn't normal without him. In other words, she doesn't know how to live without him. Not yet.
"Why do you think you don't feel that way with Jaden?" The therapist questioned. "I mean, I know he loves me. He treats me amazing, he really does. But I guess your right. I'm so caught up on my ex, that I haven't let myself enjoy what he has to offer."
The therapist flashed her a quick smile. "I just. I know I have to get over him. I do know that. But I just can't. I don't know how to live a life that doesn't include him." Slowly, Dixie was understanding as to what she needed to do. "But you had one before you met him. What's the difference now?
She responded to the question within seconds. "My life before him was terrible. That's why it's so hard for me to let him go." She sighed. "He made my life less miserable. I felt like an actual human being with him by my side. You have to understand that letting go of him isn't as easy as it seems."
She fiddled with her fingers, doing everything she possibly could to keep her attention off the memories. "I understand that, which is why I'm here." The therapist looked up at the clock. "Our time is up, but we made great progress today. I look forward to next week." With a quick smile, Dixie stood up, grabbed her belongings, and walked out the door.
This was going to be a long journey, but it was one that Dixie was willing to take.
"Happiness is a direction, not a place."
- Sydney J. Harris
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