Last Chapter
Bright lights and deafening screams from the crowd greeted me as Gayle and I walked towards our seat. She was giggling and bouncing around in my arms, taking in all of the excitement. May mangilan-ngilang napapatingin sa akin pero inabisuhan ako ni Kobe na huwag silang pansinin.
"Mimi!" sigaw ni Gayle, dahilan para mapatingin ako sa kanya. "Dami po tao!"
Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa marating ko ang pinakaunahan. Walang ibang nakaupo roon. I sat calmly and put Gayle next me. Masayang-masaya ang anak ko. Kaninang umaga ay pinuntahan pa siya ni Kobe sa apartment para personal na batiin.
I wore a black mini dress with ruffled ends that dropped two inches past my knees and a black sling-back stiletto. I didn't look like I was going to a concert, but I was so nervous about what to wear. Ni hindi ko napansin na ang OA na pala ng suot ko! Si Gayle ay pinagsuot ko lang ng pale pink na dress na bigay ni Kobe. It suited her well.
Ilang minuto pa bago magsimula ang concert pero dinadaga na ang dibdib ko. Kobe must be busy at the backstage. Wala tuloy akong mapaglabasan ng kaba.
I remember how I told my friends about this. Mari, Ate Kat, and Eddie were happy for me. Si Mill naman ay pinaalalahanan akong maging mas maingat. Now that we're about to make our relationship known, our lives will be monitored. Even Gayle's. Pero naniniwala naman akong lilipas din ang ingay. At isa pa, wala naman kaming ginagawang dapat ikahiya.
I started to look around, and my heart filled up with different emotions when I realized how far I'd come. I used to be one of the fans, chanting Kobe's name from the end row of general admission seats. Ang tanging alam ko lang noon sa lalaki ay ang mga kanta niya at kung ano ang pamilyang kinalakihan niya. I had always admired him and his life. Parang mayroon siya ng lahat ng bagay na wala ako.
And now, while waiting for him to introduce me as a part of his family, I knew that he shared everything he had with me, despite the fact that all I could offer him was my love.
"Are you ready?!"
Isang malakas na sigaw mula sa stage ang nakapagpaingay lalo sa mga tao. It is the most famous band our country has. The lead guitarist and bassist created sensuous riffs, driving the crowd to grow even wilder as the drummer slammed the two drum sticks together to signal their start. Matapos ang intro ang pumaibabaw sa buong arena ang malamyos na boses ng vocalist.
Wala akong katabi sa unahan bukod kay Gayle kaya hindi ko alam kung anong pagpalakpak ang gagawin. I couldn't keep up with the crowd. Kanina pa kasi ako ninenerbyos. Pasayaw-sayaw naman ang anak ko at mukhang tuwang-tuwa sa musikang naririnig.
I couldn't focus. Kahit hinawakan ni Gayle ang kamay ko ay hindi kumakalma ang puso ko.
After singing a few songs, sumunod na nagperform ang isa rin sa mga pinakasikat na duo. I could hear people talking about me even if the artists were performing. Pinilit kong ignorahin iyon. They would know me tonight. No need to cause a commotion.
I held the promise ring in my finger. Ngayon ko na lang ulit iyon isinuot. Gayle wore another necklace. I closed my eyes and tried my best to remember Kobe's vows when he gave this to me.
This represents my pledge to protect and cherish you until the end of my days. I knew one lifetime with you wouldn't be enough, and just as this ring I'm giving you today is an infinite circle, so is my love for you.
He stayed true to his word with all his might. Kahit hindi niya ako kasama sa mga nagdaang taon ay itinabi at iningatan niya ang pangako sa akin. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan na magkikita ulit kami. Kahit walang kasiguraduhan na babalik ako.
His love was great, deep, and immense. He told me that he'd shower me with love until I had no other choice but to love myself too.
And he did it. He loved me beyond measure.
Ipinaramdam niya sa akin na kahit gaano kahina ang boses ko, naririnig niya ako. Kahit gaano kataas ang ipinalibot kong pader sa pagitan ng puso ko, kumatok pa rin siya at hinayaan akong pagbuksan siya. He didn't force his way in. He didn't climb my walls. He waited... patiently.
No matter how far and long I traveled in this world, my compass would always point back to him—my home.
Sa lahat ng kantang inawit ng mga artist ay si Kobe lang ang laman ng isip ko. Ang pagmamahal niya sa amin ni Gayle at walang-sawang pag-intindi at paghihintay sa akin. I want to be with him until the end of my days, too. I want an infinite circle to symbolize my love for him, too.
And when he finally stood on stage, appearing as mighty and powerful as the first time I saw him, I knew I wouldn't fritter away another second to show my happiness with him.
Maingay ang mga tao, pero mas maingay ang puso ko. It was racing a lot quicker and if it weren't for Gayle's hand on my palm, I would've lost my sanity.
"What an evening," he uttered, generating louder screams from audiences. "I like everyone's energy. Come on, give me more." Halos mabingi ako sa lakas ng tili ng mga tao pero hindi naman maalis ang tingin ko kay Kobe na halatang sanay na sanay sa ginagawa niya.
"I have a story to tell." He chuckled. "Oh, DK's giving speech now? In a concert? Cute."
Napangiti ako. Mabilis na dumapo ang tingin sa amin ni Kobe dahilan para lumaki ang ngiti niya.
"I started writing music because I couldn't get a girl off of my head." Tumahimik ang lahat. "I was a teen and I happened to see her outside a church, selling flowers. I'd seen her like that for a month." Tumingin siya sa audience at marahang tumawa. "This is gonna be a long-ass story. I'm sorry. Madaldal talaga ako kapag siya ang topic."
Sa gitna ng pagtatawanan ng lahat ay naramdaman ko ang pagtulo ng luha sa pisngi ko.
"I didn't see her again so I moved on with my life. I became a singer. I met a lot of people and made a lot of connections," he said. "And when I saw her again in this same arena, during my concert, I found out that she was my fan. I didn't realize right away that she was the same girl from that church." He chuckled. "I was disappointed to realize that she was a minor so I moved on with my life again. I can't like a minor. That's... gross because I'm a grown-up adult."
I knew that story, but it felt like I was hearing it for the first time.
"And then remember when we looked for a leading lady for my music videos?" The audience answered yes. "Yeah... the pretty girl shoots her shot. It was a different kind of portfolio and I didn't know what kind of sorcery happened to me because, even with her not-so-good modeling experiences, na required sa screening, I told my manager to pass her... and that if given the chance, I would love her to be my leading lady."
I brushed my tears away when I heard the dreamy sighs of the audiences. Lahat ay matamang nakikinig kay Kobe habang nakatutok sa kanya ang malalaking camera.
"But of course, it's not my decision to make. She has to go through the process. Hindi ko rin alam na 'yong babaeng 'yon 'yong nakita ko sa simbahan at napansin ko sa concert ko. So yeah... this girl caught my attention thrice. Bawal akong makipag-date. We're well-aware of that. But guess what?" Ngumisi siya. "I flirted with her. I tried avoiding her at first, but it was no use. I'm damn attracted... and I'm excited where my attraction can lead me." Umiling siya. "I didn't regret it."
Sandali siyang natahimik. He bowed and shook his head.
"When I fell in love with her, it felt like the world was against us. She was such a nice woman, and seeing her cry because of me..." He sighed. "A lot of things happened. I didn't renew my contract with my production company to start my own. I lost half of my supporters. I lost the image I tried so hard to nurture." He lifted his head. "But none of that hurt as much as losing her."
Cameras started flashing my way, but I kept my gaze on Kobe... the sadness in his voice and the pain in his eyes.
"So, when people around me asked why I stopped making music, I didn't know how to answer." Umiling siya. "It's not that I wanted to... I just couldn't." He inhaled deeply, as if keeping his emotions to himself. "Every time I try to write, I always remember her. And every time I remember her, I always end up like a fool. I couldn't function. I couldn't do anything. I just... remember her. Her smile, her warmth, her kindness... everything. The reason why I started composing songs was also the reason why I stopped. And though I wanted so badly to forget her, I couldn't. I want to keep her memories with me because I'm the happiest when I'm with her."
"Kobe..." I whispered to myself, falling more deeply in love with him.
"And now that we have a daughter, which she kept hidden from me," he said as he chuckled, "I have nothing more to ask but to hold them close to me. We broke up because of my cruel world, and I didn't want that to happen again. I want to let everyone know how grateful I am to love and be loved by my amazing girls. I feel alive. And being with them is my greatest achievement."
Bumaba siya sa stage at dahan-dahang naglakad palapit sa amin ni Gayle. As I glanced at the man who proudly and warmly welcomed me to his reality, my heart wrenched from too much sheer joy. Sighs could be heard and camera flashes could be seen, but all I could think of was Kobe and his unending love for me. Binuhat niya si Gayle at hinigit ang baywang ko. My knees were trembling as we approached the stage. It was a good thing I wasn't wearing too much make-up because my tears wouldn't stop pouring.
"People, this is my wonderful family. Hikari Gayle, my beautiful and special daughter, and Dawn Karsen, my first, last, and extreme love."
When I peered down at the crowd, I realized that all you could see from up here were lights in the nothingness... like stars in the night.
The people cheered. All were shouting our names—Hikari, Dawn, and Dior. It was overwhelming, but with Kobe's arm snaking around my waist, I felt safe and secured.
"Mimi..."
Napatigil ako sa panonood at pakikinig sa mga tao nang pumaibabaw ang maliit na boses ni Gayle sa buong arena. I looked at her and smiled when I saw her holding Kobe's mic. Inagaw niya ito panigurado sa lalaki.
Muling natahimik ang mga lahat.
"Mimi," ulit niya.
"Hmm? Bakit, baby?"
She stared at me. Her eyes were full of love.
"Mimi, talamat po ta pag-aalaga kay Gayle," malambing na sabi niya sa mic. I was surprised, not by the gentleness of her voice but by the words she uttered. "Talamat po ta paghalik mo ta pitngi ko pag tutulog na 'ko. Talamat po dahil 'di mo po ako inaaway. Talamat po dahil pinapakain mo 'ko ta jabi. Toli lin po kung makulit at pataway ako lagi." Slowly... she said those words very slowly.
Tears streamed down my face.
"Mimi ko, yabyu po."
Lumapit ako sa kanya at hinalikan ang pisngi niya. "I love you, anak. Gagawin ko lahat para sa 'yo," bulong ko sa tainga niya.
"Didi..."
I covered my mouth in surprise when she addressed Kobe. Napatingin agad ako sa lalaki na gaya ko ay gulat na gulat sa narinig.
"Didi ko... 'wag mo po kami iwan, ha?" Hinawakan niya ang mukha ni Kobe. "Yab ka po ni Gayle, didi. Kayo po ni Mimi."
Umiling si Kobe, bahagyang nanunubig ang mata. "Never... I will never leave you and Mommy. Mahal din kita, baby. Thank you for calling me Daddy."
As the night ended, everyone sang Gayle a happy birthday song. Lahat ay tuwang-tuwa sa kanya at ang mga top performers ay nagpa-picture pa sa kanya. My heart was overflowing with joy. Kahit nang makauwi kami sa pad ni Kobe ay hindi mabura ang ngiti sa labi ko.
"What did you call me?" pangungulit ni Kobe kay Gayle. "Didi?"
Our daughter chuckled. "Opo, didi."
"Say it again tomorrow, okay? I'll set it as my ringtone."
Gayle showered her father's face with kisses. "Yab mo po Mimi ko?"
Kobe smiled. "Oo naman."
Humiga ako sa tabi nila. Si Gayle sa gitna namin. Pare-parehas na kaming nakapantulog pero buhay na buhay pa ang batang makulit. It was almost twelve. Dapat ay inaantok na siya.
"Baby, happy fifth birthday," singit ko sa lambingan nila.
"Happy birthday," bati rin ni Kobe. "What does my princess want?"
Umiling si Gayle at humagikgik. "Mimi at Didi po."
Nagkulitan pa kaming tatlo hanggang sa antukin na si Gayle. Parang hindi nauubos ang energy niya. And her speech improvement moved me. Ngayong araw siya may pinakamaraming nasabi at iniisip ko pa lang na lalo pa siyang dadaldal ay hindi ko na maiwasang maiyak. I would love to hear her voice more. Puno ng lambing at pagmamahal.
"Kobe, gising ka pa ba?" mahinang tanong ko.
"I'm too happy... I don't think I can sleep."
"Kape tayo?"
Binalot ko si Gayle ng kumot bago kami lumabas ni Kobe sa kwarto. He used the mug I gave him and handed me a pink mug. We sat on the couch on his veranda, and the breeze of the dawn embraced my skin. Ipinahinga ko ang ulo sa balikat niya habang hinahalina ng aroma ng kape ang pang-amoy ko.
"I spend most of my days here alone," he muttered softly. "And now that you're leaning on me..." He sighed, "Karsen, you make me the happiest."
Ibinaba ko ang tasa sa center table na nasa tapat ng couch para hawakan ang kamay niya. I felt him stiffen, but I didn't let go. Dinala ko ang kamay niya sa labi ko at marahang hinalikan iyon, gaya ng lagi niyang ginagawa sa akin.
"Magsulat ka ulit," marahang sabi ko. "Kumanta ka ulit."
He exhaled. "I didn't stop... I just couldn't finish a song."
"Subukan ulit natin. Baka kaya mo na ulit."
"I have a few drafts, but I don't think I can use them because they're all sad." Nagbuntong-hininga siya. "Those are the unfinished lyrics I wrote when we parted ways. I really don't want to re-live it."
Inangat ko ang ulo at tiningnan siya. "Puwede kong mabasa?"
He frowned. "You'll just realize how pathetic I am, so no."
"Please?" I kissed his hand again. "Ako naman 'to. Sa dami ng nangyari sa 'tin, tingin mo ba maiisip ko pa 'yan?"
He sighed again. "Stop being cute. It's not gonna work."
"Please?" paglalambing ko.
"Karsen!" reklamo niya.
I pouted. "Gusto ko lang namang basahin."
He groaned frustratedly before standing. Inagaw niya ang kamay sa akin at sinamaan ako ng tingin. Ngumiti lang ako. Pumasok siya sa loob at maya-maya ay bitbit na niya ang itim at may kakapalang notebook. He sat beside me and put my head on his shoulder as he handed the notebook to me.
"Read silently," utos niya.
Tumango lang ako.
Binuksan ko ang notebook at agad ang paglapat ng ngiti sa labi ko nang makita ang handwriting niya. All were in capital letters. Lahat ng released songs niya ay nakasulat doon. Napansin kong ang iba ay napalitan na ang mismong salita. The production company must've edited them.
I flipped through the pages of the notebook until I reached an unfamiliar song. I was sure then that it was written after we broke up, because just like what he said, it wasn't done.
Mayday
Dawn brings in a new era of light, ushering out the night.
I should indulge in the hope of a clean slate,
But here I am, looking at your picture on our first date.
Remembering the ten-minute secret phone calls,
Wondering how you can leave band-aids in bullet holes.
When you said you wouldn't walk away,
Why did I find myself running in replay?
All alone in the dark and gray, shouting "Mayday."
My eyes welled up with tears when I saw the first unfinished song. Every phrase suffocated my heart, like I had read his thoughts after I left him. I took a deep breath as I turned the page.
All Over Again
As I strummed the guitar in my room that held me captive,
I imagined you in front of me, looking beautiful and naïve.
Just another dawn to miss your voice,
Not making it through the morning if I have a choice.
I kept your photographs in my pocket,
And my love for you in my closet.
Maybe the most painful lesson to learn,
Is realizing I'll have to be alone all over again.
Tuluyang nalaglag ang luha sa mata ko. He was hurting... all these years. Ganoon niya ako kamahal. Itinago niya ako sa puso niya kahit na alam kong nasaktan ko siya.
Distant Star
I traced our names through constellations,
And draw our fate in their piercing regions.
Holding onto the railings of my veranda,
Doubting if I could finish another stanza.
As I gaze at the evening sky,
I was reminded of the day you said goodbye.
You left me with a bruise and a scar,
You were like a distant star,
Always so far.
Forever will be my desire.
"Bakit ka umiiyak?" malambing na tanong ni Kobe habang nagbabasa ako.
I shook my head. "Ayoko nang ituloy 'to... parang hindi ko na kaya."
He chuckled. "Silly. Those were written before. I'm okay now."
"Kahit na..." I defended. "I never regretted my decision, but reading all of this... sana pala hindi na lang kita iniwan."
"Ituloy mo. I thought you wanted to read my drafts?" nangingiting aniya.
"Sorry," bulong ko. "Sorry, nasaktan kita..."
He kissed my forehead. "Salamat kasi bumalik ka."
I smiled and continued reading. All of his drafts were painful and filled with misery. Puro first verse lang, ang iba ay hanggang pre-chorus. Sinabi niya rin na wala pang tono iyon dahil nga hindi naman niya natatapos.
"Do you remember when I told you I'd give you an autograph on a special paper?" he asked softly.
I nodded. "Naghiwalay na tayo't lahat, hindi ko pa rin na-c-claim."
Kinuha niya ang notebook sa akin at inilapag iyon sa mesa. Pinaglaruan niya ang kamay ko at hinaplos ang singsing sa daliri ko.
"I want to give you my autograph on our marriage certificate, Karsen."
It made my body tremble. My heart started beating fast, as if it was the first time I heard him planning to marry me.
Sigurado siya sa akin. Umpisa pa lang... sigurado siyang ako na.
"I'll wait until you can give me your autograph, too," he whispered.
I gulped as I intertwined our hands. It was still dawn, and just like his unfinished song, it would always symbolize a clean slate, a fresh start, and a new beginning.
I found refuge in his arms. Our bodies were engulfed in our own cosmos as our hearts thumped in harmony.
And at that moment, it didn't feel like the world was against us.
I realized that for all the years I had been without him, he had remained the lyrics I couldn't bring myself to sing, a passage in a book I couldn't forget, and the face I would always look for in a room full of people.
"I love you, Karsen."
That night, I slept peacefully, knowing that someone would hear my silent pleas despite the chaos, someone would sit with me when everything was too loud, and someone would see me standing out in the midst of the crowd.