Since coming out about my feelings, I had been feeling really low lately. Jordyn and April had asked to hang out again, but I politely declined, saying I wasn't feeling well. It was a Sunday morning, but my parents were sleeping in today, so we didn't go to church.
Instead, I lay in my bed, not exactly knowing what to do today.
I could go to the Y, but I didn't want to mistakenly see Jordyn or April while I was there. So, I concluded with staying home. I did have some school work to finish up.
By around 12:00pm, I got up from my bed. Everyone else was already awake and I could hear my brothers playing in Michael's room.
I headed over to the washroom to brush my teeth, and winced when I saw myself in the mirror.
Wish you looked like Jordyn, huh?
I managed to push the voice away as I started running the water, placing my toothbrush under.
I picked up the toothpaste and started brushing, only to hear another voice again.
Your teeth are yellow. Gross.
Huh.
They were.
That made me start brushing even harder, and eventually my gums started bleeding.
"Shoot." I muttered, as I rinsed off my mouth and started washing my face. Recently I was using Cetaphil because I heard it was good for my acne- only it wasn't really making anything better. I stopped using it last week. So instead, I picked up Dudu Osun and scrubbed my face with it.
When I finished drying my face, I sighed in the mirror.
I had acne scars and acne and pimples just casually chilling on my cheeks. It made me feel dirty- ugly.
Once back in my room, I put on moisturizer, deodorant and lotion before taking off my bonnet and dealing with the birds' nest on my head.
I was slowly learning how to care for my natural hair, but it was still a challenge. For some reason, I could never figure out how to get my hair looking all sleek and cute. It usually looked puffy and unkept. Nevertheless, I moisturized my tight coils with my spray bottle mixed with leave-in, did my usual LOC method, and grabbed some Ecostyler so I could attempt to slick it up in a puff.
After about three tries, I finally got my hair the way I wanted, and placed my hands on my hips, as if I was somewhat proud of myself. When I finished admiring my work, I got a notification on my phone and glanced down. It was a text from Jordyn.
Jordyn: ayo, u sure ur not down to chill? Ik for a fact ur ok
I smirked at her text- how could she possibly know I was pretending.
Me: what makes u think that?
She immediately started FaceTiming me.
"See?" she smirked, once I answered the phone, "You're fine. Tell me what's up?"
"The sky." I winked, as she rolled her eyes.
"Bruh, for real. What's going on?"
I let out a sigh, "I- I don't know, to be honest."
"Is it something at home?"
I shook my head, "It's more than that- it's everything."
"Adam included?"
I let out a small smirk, "Obviously. I don't know why I'm obsessed with him- it's like how I was obsessed with Dean-" then I suddenly stopped myself, realizing I just exposed myself.
"Huh? Deandre?" Jordyn said, raising her brows, "What do you mean 'obsessed' with?"
"Nothing." I replied, forcing a smile, "I didn't say Deandre."
"Yeah...you did." She countered, "Did you have a crush on him or something?"
I peered around the room, looking for some escape, "Well, only a small one- it wasn't a big deal."
"You just said you were obsessed with him." She sort of chuckled, "That's not little."
"It's fine. I'm over him now."
"Okay." She said, "Anyways, since you're good- you, me and April should go hoop today or something."
I ended up going to the Y with April and Jordyn in the afternoon. Jordyn and I took the bus to April's house so we could all head out to the Y together. Jordyn and I walked up the doorstep and she knocked on the door. To nobody's surprise, Adam opened it.
"Is April home?" Jordyn practically demanded as Adam stood in the doorway in a tight and white tank top with some Lakers basketball shorts on.
"Yea," he responded. Why did his voice sound deeper? "I'll go get her for you."
"Thank you." Jordyn beamed, as Adam nodded his head and turned around. Dang, he didn't even look at me.
"Nevermind,I don't see it." Jordyn burst out laughing once Adam went back in, "He's not that fine."
I rolled my eyes, smirking, "I know right- I don't know what I see in him."
April came out not too long after, "What y'all laughing about?"
"How musty your brother looks." Jordyn giggled, as April dapped her up in agreement, "Dang, y'all started the conversation without me?"
The Y was real busy today because it was a weekend and everyone was trying to get in a hoop session. The three of us got into about five games with different people because of how packed it was. Everybody knew Jordyn, so it wasn't as difficult to find people to play with. After a little while, April and Jordyn got into a game of two's, so I headed to the lobby to buy something from the vending machine. As I inserted my five dollar bill, I heard a familiar voice not too far from me.
"Hey, it's you again."
I glanced over my shoulder to see Deandre peering up at me over his phone. I let out a small smile, "Oh, hey."
"You here by yourself?" He asked. I shook my head, "Nah, with Jordyn and April. You?"
"Wait, Jordyn's here?"
I nodded, "Yeah she is. They're both in the gym right now running two's. You didn't know?"
Deandre shrugged, "Nah, we haven't really spoke in a minute."
I didn't want to be nosy or anything, but when my bag of hot Cheetos popped out the machine, I headed over to the table he was sitting at and took a seat, "Why not?"
He sighed, "Did you hear about the offer I got? To play football at IMG next year."
I raised my eyebrows, "You're joking. IMG?!? What the hell, Deandre- that's so good."
He looked down, grinning, "I know, it's crazy and I'm mad excited- but Jordyn's lowkey pissed about it."
"Because you'd be moving?"
He nodded, "Yea, she thinks if we do long-distance, imma cheat or something."
Damn. That was tough. I could 100% see where Jordyn was coming from, considering Deandre was Deandre- but this is what he'd been working for his whole life.
"Listen, Jordyn's my best friend- but this is huge. Are you going to turn down the offer?"
Deandre looked at me as if I were crazy, "Hell no- I've been dreaming of an opportunity like this for the longest time- I can't just throw it away now."
"Yeah, that's fair. I'm really happy for you though."
He smiled, "Thanks, Jess."
"As long as you don't forget about me when you're famous and stuff."
He smirked, "How could I?"
I ended up sitting with him for a while, until Jordyn and April came out to the lobby to meet me.
"Yo, we've been calling your phone." April exclaimed, as she laid eyes on Deandre. Jordyn was not too far behind.
"Hey, you're-"
"Deandre?" Jordyn said, when their eyes met.
"Hey." He said, getting up to hug her, "It's been a minute."
She accepted his hug, but quickly pulled away, "What's up? Y'all have just been here talking?"
Deandre glanced back at me and I gave him a longing look, begging him not to tell her.
"Uh, no. I just came out now and saw her. I was working out downstairs before."
"Oh, getting ready for IMG, huh?" she said, annoyed.
"Jay- can we talk about this?"
"Later." She said, turning to me, "Some boys in the gym want to run three's again- you down?"
I shrugged, as she turned her back and started walking into the gym. April looked torn and gave me a "What's her deal?" look. I shrugged, before glancing up at Deandre.
"I guess I'll see you around."
The disoriented look on his face he had before broke into a smile when he looked back at me, "Uh, yeah- for sure."
I smiled back and moved past him to get to April. When we were a far enough distance, she glanced back and burst out into a fit of giggles, "This dude is still looking- Jess, this is bad."
I rolled my eyes, "April- chill out. I hope Jordyn's good."
"Yeah- what happened?" She asked, once she stopped giggling. I decided to fill her in on our way back to the gym.
Jordyn seemed to be in a real bad mood the rest of the day, so we all headed to April's house for some ice cream.
"I know it's selfish of me- right? To be pissed that he's leaving- but I don't know. I have this weird feeling that he'll dump me for some Florida IMG chick."
"There's no way." I said, "That boy really is slow if he does that."
"How could he pass on you?" April added, "You guys could be the ultimate power couple."
Jordyn sighed, "You think?"
April and I simultaneously nodded, "Yessss!"
Shortly after, Jordyn and April headed downstairs to start playing some 2K. I told them I'd be down in a minute. As I sat in April's bedroom, my head randomly started to feel weird- heavy.
Ugly.
Stupid.
Worthless.
Why do you think Adam didn't notice you earlier?
Why do you think Deandre never asked you out?
Why do you think your so-called friends just left you alone?
I widened my eyes to somehow erase the thoughts.
You can't do anything right.
I literally wanted to scream at the voices and tell them to shut up, my head was starting to feel a bit dizzy and I felt tears already forming.
You're a disappointment.
Nobody likes you.
"Shut up." I muttered, "Please."
You want me to shut up?
Why don't you shut up?
While you're at it- why don't you kill yourself too.
"Shut up." I said, a little louder.
I'll shut up if you're dead. Then you won't have anything to worry about.
"Stop it- please." I mumbled, tears slowly starting to fall, "Leave me alone."
"Jessica?"
I looked up, shocked to see Adam standing at the doorway.
"Are you okay?" He asked, walking in.
"I'm fine." I replied, wiping my eyes and quickly getting up.
Loser.
"Are you sure?"
I nodded, plastering on a smile. I was about to walk out of April's room, but he grabbed my arm.
"Let's talk- please."
"There's nothing to talk about- I'm fine." I said, knowing any minute now the tears would come back.
"Why were you just crying?" He asked, still not letting go of me.
"What the hell's your problem?" I said, yanking my arm out of his hand, "I told you I'm fine. Doesn't that make sense?"
"You're not fine." He said, "You're clearly not."
"Yes I am." I responded, my voice getting a bit loud, "And even if I wasn't, why would you care? Don't you have your little perfect girlfriend to look out for?"
"Emily? What the hell? Why is she even in this conversation?"
I rolled my eyes, and let out an angry chuckle, "You're joking, right? YOU brought her into this whole thing we had going on."
"Thing? What?"
He doesn't even remember. You meant nothing to him.
"See? You don't even know? You have no idea how much that stupid kiss messed me up, huh? You just dropped it and walked off as if nothing happened."
"Wait-"
"No, you wait." I said, cutting him off, "Adam, I liked you a lot- and ever since that kiss, you've been on my mind 24/7. It's annoying as hell though, knowing that you have no feelings left over for me. How could you just run off and date her a few weeks after we kissed?"
Adam cleared his throat, "Jessica-"
"Please, just leave me alone. It's hard enough already. Don't make it worse."
"Jessica, let me talk! Damn." He yelled, his voice booming through the halls.
I stared up at him, the tears already streaming down my face.
"I don't want to hear you talk." I finally said, and walked out the room.