NICK ALLARD
The past few days, I have been trying to avoid contact with Paul. It wasn't because I didn't like him or anything, but that I liked him enough to feel this weird feeling messing up my insides.
He was compelling enough that I had felt guilty with the idea of entertaining him while I was still unsure of what I should do about Callum. I wouldn't be able to give him the type of relationship and feelings that he would be looking for—if he indeed was looking for it.
But more importantly, I was debating within myself. I didn't know what I wanted to do, or what I was supposed to do. I felt it to be weird and unfair for Paul if I didn't settle my feelings. So, when I found out that Callum was driving to New York the moment that we got home, I called his phone the next day. He was in New York by then.
I was seated on the couch with both Kai and Sin who laughed at the funny part of the movie, and yet I couldn't bring myself to focus on the movie. I was on my phone, reading over and over again Paul's message.
Paul: I'm so glad you texted me back. When you get back, then. I'll see you soon.
I had promised him that I'd go out with him when I get back I've been back for two days now and still, I couldn't bring myself to text him and plan for the date that I had promised him. I pressed back, then on Callum's name.
Fuck it. I started typing and then sent the text mindlessly.
Nick: Cal, are you in New York already?
I dropped my phone on the bed and then stared at the movie, my mind afloat that I couldn't understand the dialogue that I was hearing. Looking at Kai and Sin, I remembered Callum's words all too well. Pushing them together would make them even more distant from each other.
I knew Sin would pull away the moment I tell her to go for Kai, it was just in her nature. She needed to decide those things on her own. Kai, I tried once, but he only blushes and looked down, telling me to shut up and mind my own business.
Callum, I don't think that it is possible for them to be more distant from each other. The way that Sin's read rests on Kai's shoulder, the way that their breathing matches, the way that they steal longing glances with each other, the way that they are so close with each other... I don't think that it is possible for them to fall out of love with each other.
I remembered my mom's words once when I heard her teasing Kai. Don't make her wait for too long... You might lose more than a chance. You might lose her.
Somehow, the person that appeared in my mind was the one I didn't expect to. Paul. How long would he possibly wait for me? Has he given up on me? He hasn't texted me since the time that he called. The thought would've continued if it wasn't for the vibrating of my phone.
Callum: Yeah, I am, what's up?
Nick: I just felt like checking up on you...
Callum: I'm great. How are you guys? I'm sorry, I would've stayed longer if Harvard didn't call for the grant that we have been eyeing for quite a while now.
Nick: Can we talk? I just needed something to talk to you about. If you've got time.
Callum: No worries, I've got time. Hold on, I'll call.
It was quick, suddenly his name flashed on my screen... For facetime. I didn't need him to see my face while I talked to him—while I confessed to him. I swiped Answer and then suddenly, his face was on my screen, that handsome and gorgeous face.
"Nick! What's up? You're in the living room?" Callum was too happy. He was in a good mood, maybe I wouldn't have to lose him if I confess. This was a perfect time.
"Is that—Callum!" Sin jumped to my side, taking the phone away from my hand. "Callum!"
"Hey, Sin," he greeted, "You're still coming here right? For your birthday?"
"Yeah, we'd be driving with Kai on the way there and then Nick would drive us back home. I don't really feel excited being in the car alone with Nick."
I smacked her head lightly, and then she glared at me, giving the phone to Kai. "Hey, Cal."
"Kai—I'm sorry I didn't get to wait for you."
"It's alright... Will keeps dragging me to parties, I figured that I'd make the most out of my days here."
"Callum, you better have gifts ready for me. I have this book that I want and they'd probably have it there." Sin stole the phone once again, hogging it to herself. "It's filled with Greek Philosopher's quotations, their works. Try to find it, I'll send you the details."
As time passed, my guts twisted more and more. I wanted to back out, to retract my actions of calling him. I was hoping that he'd forget that I wanted to talk to him which was why I called in the first place.
"Okay, give the phone back to Nick. He said he needed to talk to me."
Sin nods, giving me back the phone and then going back to sitting beside Kai. I looked at both Kai and Sin who watched me, and I couldn't help but feel speechless as I felt their gaze on me.
"I'll go up, wait up," I muttered, taking my phone and running up the stairs. I propped the phone up on a pillow as I sat down on my bed.
There was a pause, a beat of silence before he decided to break it. "What's up?"
I hesitated for a moment, pursing my lips as I think everything through once again. I could lie... But then, what would have been achieved? "You know Paul McKinsley?"
"Yeah."
I picked on the edge of my pillow, "He asked me out."
I thought that my words were too low for him to hear as he didn't talk for a second. "Yeah?" he breaks off before continuing, "What did you say?"
"I haven't told him anything yet..." I just promised, then probably ghosted him.
"What? Why? Paul's a cool guy and I've met him, he seems nice." His voice raised in enthusiasm, a smile spreading on his face. "Don't you wanna try and go out with someone?"
I do, I want it with you. I breathe, "I—He is nice, and I do."
"What's stopping you?"
"It's just that—" I paused, hesitating as I looked up at him. "He's not the one that I liked and I felt it was unfair to accept, not while I was still—"
"Oh... I get it. You want to settle these feelings first?"
"Yeah..."
"Who then?"
"You," I bluntly say, biting the corner of my lower lip.
There was a moment of silence, that awkward silence once again. I counted each second that passed, wishing that I was just consumed by my bed and I'd disappear suddenly. The look on his face made me think that I shouldn't have said anything— reminded me that I already knew the answer and I was an idiot for even hoping for a chance.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."
"No, it's alright, Nick," Callum chuckled, "I appreciate that Nick, but I actually failed to let you guys know... I'm seeing someone right now."
"Everything's going to be weird for us—Do you hate me for saying anything?"
"No—Nick, I'll always love you." His voice was soft, reassuring, and calm. "But not in the way that you want or need. I love you as a brother, as you have always been for me."
"Gods... I wish the ground would swallow me up or something," I laughed awkwardly, pushing my feet down.
"We'll forget about it if you want, Nick. But now that you've admitted your feelings..." I looked at him, somehow unaffected and his smile so genuine. Kai looked tired, his face unshaven and all. "Would you give Paul a chance now?"
Callum, despite his constant bullying of Sin, was the kindest person that I knew. He knew how to handle certain situations, and I knew he really was okay with my confession. That's why I loved him. He was so perfect—too perfect perhaps.
"I guess, I would." I nodded expectantly, "I'll text him after this call."
"Great. Say, I've got something to do now, so I need to go. You also have to go and tell Paul that you're up for that date, yeah?"
I nodded. After the call was ended, I stared at Paul's name on my phone for more seconds before I sighed and pressed on it.
Nick: What do you say tomorrow?
Paul: I'll see you tomorrow, then, Paul. I can't wait.
And I couldn't help but let my heart beat fast against my chest and smile, a weight lifting off my shoulder.