When she opened her eyes the next morning, the very first thing she saw was red. Blinking, her pupils slowly adjusted to the light and she could properly focus on what was right in front of her, and it was then that she noticed that the color red belonged to a fluffy little heart spelling out the words ‚I love you' in golden stitching, held up by the equally fluffy paws of a small stuffed teddy bear that was sitting on the floor next to her air mattress right in front of her face and looking at her with the most loyal, loving beady eyes. She knew for a fact that that bear hadn't been there the night before, so someone must have put it there while she had been asleep. Well... someone. She turned around to look up to his bed, but it was empty. He was already up.
„You're just the sweetest idiot, aren't you?", she whispered to herself, sat up straight and picked up the bear to look at it. How the hell was she supposed to be mad at him when he was constantly doing cute little things like this? But then again... why would she even want to be mad at him? At the end of the day, what had he done wrong? Maybe, it had been her all along who was unreasonable and overreacting. He had just wanted to comfort her, and she had pushed him away.
She pressed the teddy bear to her heart as she started to feel tears burning in her eyes.
„I'm sorry, baby..."
By now, she felt terrible about the fight they had had last night, and something else left her slightly nauseous too: a dream, or... rather the most dreadful nightmare.
Ultimately she got up, headed towards the bathroom and allowed herself a long hot and cold shower to wash away the last remaining memories of her visions from last night. She had actually been pregnant, somehow, but not with a baby, or maybe it used to be a baby at some point, but when she ultimately gave birth to it, it was dry and black and moldy, like withered fruit, and most certainly dead. And Jordane, and all his family had been standing around her, she could still see their faces looming over her and hear their voices screaming that it was all her fault. Only Jordane himself didn't scream. He was completely silent, but she still remembered the look in his eyes, full of pain, despair and accusation. Without saying a word, he was asking her why she was doing this to him, what he had ever done to her to make her want to make him suffer like this...
With the water running over her face in the shower she barely noticed that she was crying, remembering it all. How come that the nice dreams would always disappear into thin air the second one would wake up and start remembering them, but this one seemed to have clawed itself into her bones and entered her bloodstream as if it never wanted to let go of her again?
Right now she felt more lonely and vulnerable than ever. She needed him so desperately, she needed to be close to him, feel his warm embrace and the comfort it never failed to give her.
As fast as she could, and still with wet hair and no make up on, she put on the light turquoise summer dress she had packed for today and went looking for Jordane. The house seemed completely quiet, so her next best guess was the backyard, and indeed, there he was playing with his two nephews, Donovan's sons, the older of which was three, the younger was one and a half and barely taller than the ball he was trying to kick, let alone did he have the stability on his tiny legs to be able to properly play with his brother and uncle, but that didn't stop him from trying and still enjoying himself!
Seeing her boyfriend laugh and play with the two boys made her instantly forget the terror she had had to endure inside her own head last night and she could only smile dreamily, watching the scene. She didn't want to interrupt their game, so she sat down on the steps of the patio in the shade. She barely noticed when Jordane's mother sat down next to her, until she spoke up.
„Good morning, Lana! How did you sleep?"
„Oh, good morning!", she smiled and lied „Very well, thank you!"
„The air mattress was okay? We weren't sure..."
„Oh, yeah, yeah, no worries! All good! How are you this morning?"
„I'm very well too, thank you for asking."
She tried to forget about the intense conversations they had had between them yesterday, but in the end, she couldn't.
„Mrs Christie..."
„Oh, call me Jacqueline, please!"
„Jacqueline, somehow I just can't shake the feeling that you don't like me very much."
„That's not it, dear, I do like you..."
„Really? Cause you got a funny way of showing it. And you know, I can't even blame you, I get it, really, I do."
„... Would you let me finish? I barely know you, Lana, but from what I've seen and heard, you are a great woman and lovely human being. Don't think I don't see the way my son looks at you. I've never seen him like this before! You make him happy. In a way no one ever has before."
Lana looked at her for a while, at a loss for words. Then finally she asked: „Then why are you being so rude to me? At least, between the lines... that what it feels like to me, to be fully honest."
Jacqueline looked out onto her lawn where Jordane and the two boys have seamlessly transitioned from playing soccer to playing pirates, and he was just theatrically surrendering to death after having gotten stabbed by his youngest nephew.
„Jordane's the youngest of my boys. As a child, he was sick a lot, you know? It wasn't always easy for him. Sometimes I still can't believe how he has grown into such a big, strong man! I think that's why I'm still worried about him... always a little more than about his brothers or sisters."
„I'm so sorry, I didn't know", she replied softly, „You can be incredibly proud of him, Jacqueline! You raised an amazing young man, who is so gentle and brave and has nothing but respect and kindness in his heart for everyone he meets. Men like him are truly rare, really."
„Believe me, I know!"
They briefly looked back at the boys when they heard a shriek from one of the little ones who had fallen down and was now crying. Jordane immediately sat down on the ground right next to him, pulled him into his arms and checked his knee where the little boy was hurt, calmly speaking to him and comforting him. Seeing him care for his nephew in such a sweet way made Lana swallow and sent a tingling sensation through her entire body. The baby looked good on him, no doubt about it.
„He was born to be a father", said his mother with a sigh, „to have a family. I'm just begging you... please don't take that away from him!"
She had to take a deep breath to settle her emotions before she could answer: „What makes you think I want to take it away from him?"
„Well, I don't know, you tell me? In any case, you don't seem too eager NOT to. From what you're telling us, you don't know whether you'd still be able to conceive and carry a child and you don't even care."
Lana shivered and had to look down, focused on keeping her tears at bay. „You're wrong."
„Am I? Let's be honest... he loves you, and I'm sure you love him too. You may be happy together, now. But let's face it... you're not gonna be his baby mama. And you know it. I'm just not so sure he knows it too, you know. He's still young and naive, sometimes."
„I think you're underestimating your son, Jacqueline. I think Jordane's smart enough to know exactly what he wants. And right now, for better or worse, I think it's fair to say that what he wants is me. And what's so wrong about it? He's still young? Why shouldn't we have a few good, happy years together? Eventually he can still dump me and have a family with a younger woman, and trust me, I'd totally understand?", it felt like a stab to the heart for her to speak like that, but she knew that objectively and factually speaking, it was the truth.
„He's 29 now, that's not even that young anymore. He's living his best years now. And every year he's wasting with you is a year lost that he could have spent watching his children grow up."
Lana looked at her in utter disbelief and had serious difficulties keeping her facial expression in check and not starting to either cry or yell at her for the absolutely outrageous way this woman was speaking to her.
„Excuse me? He's ‚wasting' his time with me?", she had to swallow hard, „I'm sorry, but I'm really trying here! And this is no way to talk to anyone, let alone the woman who's in a relationship with your son!"
Thankfully, before Jacqueline could answer, a voice coming from the backyard distracted the two women and made them turn their heads.
„I think", said Jordane to his little nephew who he was carrying on his shoulders, „someone needs a diaper change. Seems like the treasure we've been hunting for is hidden in your nappies, am I right or am I right, buddy?"
The little boy giggled when his uncle sat him down next to his grandmother.
„And what now? Aren't you going to do it?"
He was inconsolable. „I would absolutely LOVE to, mom, but Lana and I have a reservation for brunch downtown."
„You do?", asked his mother.
„We do?", asked Lana, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off her soul. She wasn't sure she could have endured one more hour in this house that held nothing for her but negative energy, rejection and insults, even in her dreams while she was asleep.
„Yep, we do!", he smiled, „And we're already late. Sorry, that I'm skipping breakfast, but I want to make use of our time here and show her a bit more of the city and where I grew up."
„Don't worry, that's alright! Lana and I were just... talking. You two have a good time and enjoy brunch, alright?"
She picked up her grandson, gave her son a kiss and disappeared inside the house without looking at Lana one last time.
When they were alone, she leapt up to her feet, wrapped her arms around her boyfriend's neck, pressed herself against his body, the need to feel him and be close to him completely overwhelming her, and finally lost the fight against her tears.
„My God, baby, what's wrong?", he asked, completely in shock.
„Nothing, just", she sniveled, „take me away from here, please."
„Of course, we're leaving now", he kept his arm wrapped around her waist to hold her and looked at her with a frown of concern as they were walking towards his car, „Did... my mother say anything to you?"
She wiped away her tears and shook her head. „It doesn't matter. I'm so sorry, babe! About last night. I didn't want to start a fight and I didn't want us to go to sleep angry."
„I know, it's alright! I'm sorry too", he sighed, „Maybe it was wrong to come here... or at least to bring you. I should never have put you through this."
„That's alright. I'm glad I get to know your family better, they are your family after all. And it's not like I was expecting they'd love me from the start and welcome me with open arms, but... well, I might just have been a bit too naive."
„I won't let them hurt you! This is insane, I'm going to talk to them."
„No, baby, please! It's not worth it. Later today we fly back home, and your folks won't be bothered by me again anytime soon, and vice versa. Just because we all love you doesn't mean we need to love each other, nor that we need to regularly see or talk to each other. That's a shame, of course, but well... maybe it's for the best. I don't think your mother particularly enjoys seeing my face or the two of us together. Let's just leave it at that."
He sighed and shook his head. „I'm so sorry, I don't even know what to say... she's usually not like that! She's the coolest, sweetest woman. I don't understand."
„She's just really protective of your, which is understandable. And we may simply have different expectations of what a fulfilling life looks like. I just want you to always be honest with me, can you promise me that?"
„Of course! What do you mean?"
„I want you to be realistic in regards to our relationship and what we have. And when you feel that I'm not giving you what you need, you need to tell me. And if then we find that I still cannot give you what you need, then you need to walk away from me. I promise you I'll understand. Okay?"
He didn't want to hear any of this. „Lana, that's nonsense, I..."
„Promise me! I love being freshly in love with you and I'm on cloud nine, and it feels awesome, yes, but right now I need you to be realistic. This feeling, even though it will hopefully still last a long time, but it won't last forever. So, I need you to promise me that you won't just stick around out of convenience or because you don't want to hurt my feelings if one day this isn't what you want out of life anymore. I couldn't live with it, Jordane."
He swallowed and looked at her, by now completely serious. What the hell had his mother said to her?? Then he nodded. „I promise. And... same for you, alright?"
She stopped in her movement to open the door to his car and looked at him. She took a deep breath, then nodded, solemnly. „I promise."
On their way into downtown Atlanta, she was curled up in the passenger's seat looking at him. He was slightly bemused by her strange demeanor watching him so attentively look straight ahead onto the road, but also a bit worried. She still seemed completely shaken and both unwilling as well as unable to let go of his hand, so he had to rely on steering with the other.
Like that, her mind and the rhythm of her breath slowly steadied down with each mile they put between themselves and his home, until she was completely calm and even started feeling warm and fuzzy again, just like she always felt when she was with him.
He held her, he was here, she was safe. When he was with her, nothing could frighten her and nothing could harm her. When they were together, there were no worries and no doubts, there was only them and the way they loved each other, the future they were envisioning together. No one else mattered, they could all think and say whatever they wanted and ultimately go f*** themselves. If she only held on tight to him, they could weather any storm, they could make it, she just needed to be as brave as him and let go of the dark thoughts that were holding her back.
And suddenly, she knew: it was here where the turn of their story would be decided. They'd either be bold together and take the next step, show them all that they were wrong – or it needed to come to an end.
She swallowed hard, she was terrified, but she was smiling nonetheless, and before she could properly process what she was even saying, she heard her own voice: „You know... I think it's time we go public."
He looked at her, briefly, because he was still driving, but she could see the surprise in his eyes.
„Really?"
She nodded. „Really. I'd like to take you to another party next weekend, and I'm sick and tired of hiding, of always having to watch out whether there's anyone around filming or taking pictures, and spending most of the time as far apart from each other as we possibly can out of fear we could end up on the internet together. Aren't you annoyed by this too?"
She could see his lips pull into a broad smile. „Oh, you have absolutely no idea!"
Her heart skipped a beat and she giggled like a lovestruck teenager in buzzing anticipation.
„Also", she added, „what do you think... how about when we get back to LA, you pack a few things and... you come to temporarily live with me for a while? Just to see how it goes? I mean, you pretty much already do so anyways."
He couldn't believe what was happening here, the turn this car ride had taken unexpectedly, all of a sudden, and he lifted her hand up to his lips to blow a soft kiss on it, „I love you so much, baby!"