As we should want everything to go according to our plan, we always ended up doing the plan we didn't expect. That's the plan I hadn't considered since childhood: To live. However, seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years had passed... I was still caged. Cage on my own life. On my own family and my expectations. I was expecting more. But I failed to hold onto it. I failed myself.
Each day, we go down a path we thought was safe. We thought it could lead us to a more excellent place ahead of that path. Something we could all look forward to. Are we assuming that way? Or we are holding onto the hope that it is worth it - worth the decisions and expectations we do not want to fail. It's hard to expect, indeed. Expectations of the things we are looking forward to - they look forward... My surroundings. My family.
How could I refuse my own family? Own blood. They say. The funny thing is, I couldn't even think of my future. But why have they already planned for it? Who will live? Is it me? Or them? What can I do to stop them? Or... will they stop?
"Tijana," Lola Josefina called my name. I immediately looked in her direction.
We are here at the dining table, having our lunch. I'm just having a light lunch because of what they said. They want me to be petite. I want to be chubby.
"Yes, Lola?" I asked, smiling gently. That's what they want.
She smiled at me and wiped her side lips with a cloth. "Tomorrow, we'll have guests who want to visit our farm. Dress properly. And of course, act decently."
I just smiled and nodded my head to her. Another day of being well-disciplined. Acting like a decent woman. I'm just a kid, though.
I looked at my Mommy and Daddy, but when I met their eyes, they looked away immediately. Just like me, they are controlled by my family. Should I say, family name? Yes, it's the number one reason why we are expecting more because of our family name. Cruz. Kilalang pamilya sa bayan ng Bicol. Hindi lang sa Bicol. Sa buong bansa, actually. Bukod sa negosyo ng pamilya, kilala ang mga Cruz pagdating sa politiko. My Daddy is the Governor of Albay. It's our family's legacy. It was thrown to my Dad after my grandfather - which was also got by his late father.
Our family was highly respected. Amazing! Does it sound sarcastic? It is, though. I'm the firstborn of Matilda Cheska and Eduard Lito Cruz. The first daughter. Which will make me the next Governor of Albay. Great! I already have a future! Every first-born member of our family will be running and will be the next Governor. Which made my father the 'Governor'. That's the reason why they are training me. To be decent, disciplined, well-mannered, and 'PERFECT'.
Ang laki na agad ng nakapatong sa balikat ko, ang bata-bata ko pa. I'm just a thirteen-year-old kid! Bakit ba ako ang unang anak? Pwede naman si Lira na lang! Tutal ay maldita naman iyon sa akin! Lira is my ten-year-old sister. We are a total of three siblings. The other one is Liam, who's a seven-year-old. The most quiet one.
"Ms. Liza, it's time for your bath." Our maid said. We're here in my room and it's so bright. Another day, another pretending.
It's good to see bright lights that shine on my face every morning. It's like telling me that it will be okay and will be there to watch me. I love the sun. Sunrises, sunsets, everything that the sun makes.
"Ate Tijana, why are you always quiet? Hindi naman ikaw ganiyan dati," parang nagtatampong sabi ni Linus sa akin. Sa aming magkakapatid, mas kasundo ko si Linus. Noon. Madaldal si Linus pagdating sa akin. At gustong-gusto ko iyon.
"Nothing. Let's go downstairs, Linus." Marahan kong saad at hinawakan ang kamay niya. Our hands are tiny because we're still kids.
"Where's Lira, Ate?" Linus asked, looking at me.
I looked at him and answered, "With Mom and Dad already." Linus nodded his head as he realized something.
"Where's Ate Eloise, Ate?" he curiously asked.
My body froze and stopped taking steps. "She's not here anymore, Linus. She's already with Ate Jessy," I smiled at him.
"Where are they?"
"Somewhere far from here. Far from us. They're at peace now, probably resting." I said as I guided him to continue walking.
"Are they tired, Ate? Because they are already resting, so they're tired."
"Maybe, Linus. Maybe," I sighed deeply.
"Do you miss them, Ate?" he asked again.
"Yes. So, so much." I wanted to go with them. I wanted to say it, but I couldn't. Not to them. Not to the innocent mind of Linus and Lira.
"You're late," Lola Josefina said when she saw us walking in their direction. "Let's go." She then held Lolo's hand.
A lot of people envy the love story of Lolo and Lola. It's strong, they say. They are fond of their love story. Jealous of their unconditional love. Is it? I do not believe in such love. I do not want to have that love.
Am I scared? Scared of my ending? Scared that I'll have a lifetime of love by my side? Scared of expectations that will not be fulfilled in the name of love? Honestly, I don't know. But I hope love will not find me.
"Tijana," Lolo Peter calls my name. It got my attention and I looked at him. "Stop that mannerism." He seriously said and looked at my hand.
I stopped and looked at him apologetically, "Sorry, Lolo." May mannerism kasi ako na kinikitkit ko ang balat ng gilid ng kuko ko. It makes me relax... maybe? I don't know.
"Maray na aldaw, Senyor Peter, Donya Josefina, Governor Lito, Madam Cheska, Linus, Lira, at Liza." Bati sa amin ng isang tauhan na siyang nagbabantay ng tarangkahan. Maray na aldaw, iyon ang ginagamit bilang pagbati ng magandang araw.
Tumango lamang sila at tumayo na lamang sa gilid upang maghintay sa panauhin. Bakit ba bawal umupo? Nananakit na paa ko! Siniko ko si Nay Dorya na nasa likuran ko at mabilis naman itong tumingin sa akin. "Nay, upo ako," nakanguso kong saad sa kaniya.
"Tijana." Saway ni Lolo sa akin. Narinig pala ako. Oo nga pala, magkalapit lang ang pwesto namin. Tumahimik naman agad ako at itinuon na lang ang atensyon sa harap.
Tijana. Tijana means silent. Noong ipinanganak ba ako, alam na nilang tahimik ako paglaki?
Nang makalipas ang ilang minuto, may tumakbo sa tarangkahan upang buksan ito. Isang pahiwatig na naririto na ang bisita. Nang makita ko ang sasakyan, pamilyar iyon sa aking mga mata. Natigilan naman ako kaagad at natulala sa aking pwesto. Huminto ang sasakyan at dali-dali itong nagbukas.
"Tix! Tix!" sigaw ng boses na hindi pa nakakababa sa sasakyan. Ngunit kahit hindi ko pa siya nakikita, kilala ko na agad ang boses niya.
Tumakbo na ako at pinuntahan siya kahit na sinaway nila ako na 'wag tatakbo. "Luke!" sigaw ko palapit sa kaniya. Tumakbo naman ito kaagad sa akin at niyakap ako nang mahigpit. "I missed you, Lulu!"
He hugged me tightly and whispered, "I missed you, Tix!"
"You missed each other." Tita Laura stated, chuckling. She hugged me and kissed my cheek, "And I missed you, hija!"
I hugged her back. "I missed you, too, Tita Laura!" After I hugged her, I turned my gaze to Tito George, "I missed you, Tito George!" I ran towards him and hugged him.
"Of course, I missed you, too, Liza!" and we heard him heartily laugh.
"Hindi niyo ba ako miss? Grabe kayo sa akin, huh?" reklamo ni Lucas habang naglalakad patungo sa pwesto namin.
"I missed you, Lucas!" I hugged him tightly. Nagtaka naman ako dahil luminga-linga pa siya sa paligid pero nakuha ko kaagad ang kilos niya. "Wala si Belle ngayon, Lucas."
Bigla naman siyang sumimangot at inirapan ako. "Nasa kwarto? Nasaan? Bakit wala? Dapat narito siya!" sinipa niya pa ang paa niya.
"Wala rito sa Bicol, Lucas." Natatawa kong tugon. Mas lalo naman siyang nagdabog. Hindi naman halatang may crush siya kay Belle. Belle is my cousin, by the way. Belle's father and my father are brothers. Si Daddy ang panganay.
They greeted each other, but I focused my attention on Luke. I missed him!
"Tix, stop staring at me." Luke seriously said. I pouted and rolled my eyes at him.
We are currently here in our living area. They are busy talking about such things. Business, politics, etc.
"Si Enzo? Hindi sumama sa inyo?" takang tanong ko kay Luke at Lucas.
"Kasama kaya namin." Lucas said.
"Eh, nasaan?" tanong ko.
"Sa bulsa ko, nagkakape." Gusto kong magsalita ng masasamang words.
"Lucas, go play with Lira and Linus!" pangtataboy ni Luke kay Lucas. Mabilis naman itong sinunod ni Lucas dahil close rin naman sila ng mga kapatid ko.
Kabaliktaran ang pag-uugali ng dalawa. Kung gaano kaligalig at kasiyahin si Lucas, iyon naman ang ikinatahimik at kawalang emosyon ni Luke. Para kang tumititig sa isang bato.
"Dinali nila Tito at Tita si Enzo sa Switzerland." Baling sa akin ni Luke.
"Ayaw mo mag-smile?" nakanguso kong tanong.
He then smiled sarcastically, "Happy?"
"Grabe! Ipapakalat ko 'to! Ipapakalat ko 'to!" I exclaimed. He suddenly laughed and pinched my cheeks.
"Tijana," Lolo called my name. I know what that means. It's a warning. I then sighed and just zipped my mouth.
"Tix," Luke said, calling my attention.
I turned my head to his side, "Why?"
"Tell me stories," Luke smiled.
It caught my attention and I immediately faced him. "Dito na ako mag-aaral ng high school, Lulu." Naka nguso kong ani.
"Why? Ayaw mo na ba sa Herrera Academy?" I heard the sadness in his voice.
"Gusto ko, 'no! Dito na nga lang ako pinag-aaral nila Lolo." Mapait kong ngiti sa kaniya.
"Dito na lang ako mag-aaral, kung ganoon." Seryoso niyang sambit.
Magsasalita na sana ako nang may bumatok na sa kaniya. "Hoy, anong dito ka mag-aaral? Iiwan mo ako?" inis na ani Lucas.
"Nagbibiro lang iyang kambal mo, Lucas." Ngiti ko sa kaniya. Lumingon naman sa akin si Luke na nagtataka. Pinanlakihan ko naman siya kaagad ng mata para 'wag na kumontra.
"Lucas is your twin, Lulu. You can't just decide like that." Sermon ko kay Luke nang makaalis si Lucas.
I do not want to cause any conflicts. I am no one's responsibility or obligation. Especially, Luke and Lucas. They are twins. I do not want to be the reason for any of their problems.
I heard they will stay here for just three days. Masyadong maikli. Sa huli, ako na naman ang maiiwan. Ako na naman mag-isa.
"You're emotionless again, Tix," Luke said.
"It's nothing. I'm just thinking," I sighed deeply.
"Thinking of what?" he asked curiously.
"Thinking of Eloise and Ate Jessy. Kumusta na kaya sila?" I smiled bitterly and looked into the sky. It's sunset. Eloise loves the sunset. While Ate Jessy loves darkness. A perfect combination, indeed.
He also looked into the sky and sighed. "Free, I guess? Well, we hope so."
"Enzo... How's his therapy?" I asked him out of the blue.
"It's doing fine. They'll continue it in Switzerland."
"It affects him so much," I said.
"It affects us all. Even you," he looked at me.
I gazed at him, "Paano mo nasabi?"
"Because you loved them, Liza. We all loved them. Kahit hindi mo sabihin, alam kong naapektuhan ka. It made you more emotionless, Liza." He sighed.
I chuckled, "I missed them. I missed their laugh, smiles, jokes, everything. Their absence... It made us fall from something we didn't know how we could stand. I... I wanted to ask them if they're just doing fine there." I said it emotionally.
Minutes had passed and it was still quiet. Until he spoke. "Eloise said, if we missed them, just look at the sky and talk to her, she'll listen."
I then, looked at the sky and closed my eyes. Eloise... Ate Jessy... I missed you. Come back. Please? At kung babalik man kayo, alam kong ipaglalaban niyo ako. Itatakas niyo ako sa lugar na ito. Ipagtatanggol niyo ako, panigurado. Kaso... Alam kong imposible na itong hinihiling ko. Pero nagbabaka sakali pa rin ako na marinig niyo ito. Hihingi sana ako ng isang pakiusap... Na bantayan niyo sila. Ang mga kaibigan natin. Kahit 'wag na ako.
I still can't process everything. Years had passed already, but I couldn't move forward. Still stuck to the idea of 'what if, they're not gone. What if, they didn't die?' It seems I have been wounded that deep.
After what happened to Eloise and Ate Jessy, we stopped. That made my family frustrated. It was also when they announced to me that I would be the next governor of Albay and that I needed to be trained. It's sick. How could I face that? Hindi man lang ba sila naapektuhan nang mawala si Ate Jessy? I Ate Jessy's, their first granddaughter, first born in our generation. How could they not mourn? Now, I'm stuck.
"Omg, sorry!" I panicked when I bumped into someone. I looked at her and said, "Btw, I'm Liza Cruz! I'm just new here but my parents are originally staying here. My Dad is the Governor." What am I saying? Bakit ko sinabi na anak ako ng governor? "Anyway, our houses are just a few blocks from each other. Do you need some friends? I can be your friend!" I happily said. She's still speechless. "Your face looks familiar, though. Do we know each other?"
She looked like Eloise. But I erased that idea quickly. "Oh, maybe just familiar. So, can we be friends? Well, you can't do anything about it!" I said with determination. I wanted to have friends. She seems... nice. Or am I just happy with the idea that she looks like Eloise?
"Tijana! Who told you to be friends with that girl? She's crazy!" Lola's voice echoed in the living room. She probably discovered I had been friends with Arya. Arya's a wonderful girl.
"Lola... She's not crazy. She's just not comfortable around everyone." I explained. The truth is, even, I, didn't know the reason why she was not talking. But I kept on trying.
"Stop what you're doing right now, Liza Keilyn Tijana Cruz! Marurumihan ang pangalan mo! Ang pangalan natin!" wow! Pangalan na naman!
That statement made me stop. I looked at my parents to get some help, but they just looked away. I lost. I know I couldn't win this argument. Who am I? Sino nga ba ako?
But I didn't stop being friend with Arya. She needs me. She needed a friend. I wanted to be her friend. That's my goal. I didn't even try to tell them everything. Tumatakas ako at nagtatago kapag kasama ko si Arya. Hindi ko alam pero ang saya-saya ko kapag kasama ko si Arya. Kumportable ako sa kaniya. Kay Arya lang ako may tiwala sa lahat ng tao rito sa probinsya. Kaya ipaglalaban ko si Arya. Ipaglalaban ko ang pagkakaibigan namin. Poprotektahan ko si Arya. Kahit anong mangyari.