Forty-two
The months have quickly passed and Christmas is fast approaching. I am especially excited because we will be having a guest. Jessica is coming to spend the holidays with us.
I thoroughly enjoy decorating the house with Adagio. I've been feeling a little under the weather, but I still manage to get out and get the Christmas shopping done and do some of the baking. When I am too sick to get out of bed one morning, Adagio is worried. I just smile and assure him I'm fine. I am actually better than fine because I already have an idea of why I'm sick. In fact, I purchased a pregnancy test yesterday.
I stare at the positive result through misty eyes, knowing Adagio will be overjoyed. Opening the bathroom door, I find him sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting patiently and I smile through the nausea. "Merry Christmas, my love, we are going to have a baby."
His smile is wide as he draws me to him, holding me close. "This is wonderful!"
"I think so too. I've wanted this so much."
"So have I." He caresses my cheek. "I love you."
"I love you, too." A wave of nausea rolls through me and I need to lie down.
Adagio helps me back into bed, pulling the covers over me. "Just rest for a while. Can I get you anything?"
"Maybe a croissant and some juice, if you don't mind."
"All right, and don't worry about Ingo. I will take care of him."
"Thank you, Adagio."
"You are welcome, amore." He bends to kiss me before leaving to get my breakfast.
* * *
After taking the croissant and juice up to Cisely, Adagio heats a bottle of the breast milk Cisely had stored in the freezer to feed Ingo. Pouring some rice cereal in a bowl, he mixes in some of the milk, then puts a clean bib on the squirming little boy and gets him settled in his chair. As Adagio feeds their son, now six months old, he can't stop smiling. The thought of becoming a father for the second time brings him a happiness that cannot be put into words. Only this time is different. Though he loves little Ingo with all his heart, this baby will be a product of the love he and Cisely share, and he can't ask for a more wonderful gift for Christmas.
Having been an only child himself, Adagio remembers how lonely he sometimes felt growing up, and he'd always held to the dream of one day marrying and having a large family of his own. Gazing into the face of the precious little boy he is already blessed with, he believes he is off to a good start.
Adagio burps Ingo when he's had his fill and cleans up the breakfast dishes before going to check on Cisely.
* * *
When the two loves of my life enter the room, I smile. I'm feeling a little better having eaten something and I am able to sit up without feeling too bad. Adagio places Ingo on the bed and sits down, reaching for my hand.
"How are you?"
"I'm better." For days I have suspected I might be pregnant, but I dared not hope because I wanted it so badly. And though I know it is going to be a challenge taking care of two children so close together, I am ready for it. I love little Ingo more than I can say, and having Adagio's child will only add to my happiness because it will be a part of him.
"I think I'm okay enough to take a shower and get some things done this morning."
"Are you sure? I can take care of things for you."
"I'm sure," I say, leaning forward to kiss him. "I've done this before, remember?"
"I remember," he says, touching my face. "But I am here and willing to do anything I can to make things easier for you."
"I know." I urge him closer. "And I love you for always thinking of me, but I can't stay in bed all day. I have to get going."
"All right, but if you need me, I'll be here."
I kiss him again. "Are you really okay with this?"
"I am, Cisely," he answers, brushing his lips against my temple. "You have given me a wonderful gift."
Forty-three
I spend the final days before Christmas baking and preparing for the big day. I am always ill in the mornings for a short while, but I'm usually better after eating something. By evening I am exhausted and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. Still, for me it's a happy exhaustion.
On the day before Christmas Eve, I wrap Adagio's gifts while he is at the airport picking up Jessica. The underlying morning sickness I experience most of the time keeps me from going for drives longer than ten or fifteen minutes at a time. Otherwise, I would have gone with him. I miss Jessica immensely and can't wait to see her.
When they finally arrive, Jessica and I tearfully hug each other. How I have missed that motherly smile and those twinkling blue eyes! I can't believe we are together again.
Jessica cuddles Ingo a bit, marveling at how much he has grown. I know she has missed him and I feel bad about that. At times, I can't help wishing we lived a little closer to one another, but I wouldn't trade my home in Italy for anything.
After giving Jessica a tour of the house, I show her to her room. She tells me how much she loves our home, and she thinks it's wonderful that Adagio only has to go to the other side of the house to work. While she unpacks, I fill her in on what has been going on in our lives, and when I tell her about the baby, she is ecstatic. We sit on a cushioned bench by the window.
"I'm glad to see you so happy, Cisely. It's as if you two have always been together."
"Sometimes it feels that way. I guess we've both gone through so much emotionally, and now we are growing together." I pause, a familiar sense of wonder entering me. "You know, I can't explain it, but it just feels so right being with Adagio. In the beginning when I first discovered my feelings for him, I wasn't so sure. I wasn't sure of much of anything. I really was afraid of growing to love him more than Ingo, like I would be betraying him. I'm sure Adagio felt the same. But now . . ." Intense emotion surges through me. "That man is everything to me. He's a part of my very soul. I know I will always love Ingo because of what we shared. He taught me how to see the good in myself. I had never known such love and I will always treasure the time we had together. But . . ."
"But," Jessica presses, squeezing my hand gently.
"What Adagio and I have . . . the love, the passion . . . there are no words. When I look into his eyes . . . Jessica, I see forever. I can't imagine not being with him. I'm tempted to feel guilty at times for feeling this way, but I don't. I can't."
She smiles, brushing a tear away. "I think you and Adagio were growing together long before you discovered you loved each other. You shared a special bond having lost the dearest person in your lives. Your courtship with him was different from yours and Ingo's, just as the growth you two experienced both emotionally and romantically was not the same."
I brush a tear away. "It really was different," I agree. "My courtship with Ingo was a whirlwind, filled with magic and excitement. I had never known love before he came into my life. He made me so happy, and nothing will ever diminish or minimize what we shared."
"I know how deeply you loved each other. I could see it each time you two were together. And had he lived, I'm sure your love would be even greater now. He lived a good life, but he's gone. And now you are experiencing a different kind of love."
"Yes," I say, marveling at how much Jessica understands. "It is a love that was completely unexpected. And now . . . with Adagio . . . every time he looks at me, I can feel how much he loves me. Just a touch from him warms my entire being. I can't even be in the same room with him without being close to him, without touching him in some way or having him touch me. His love is overpowering, and sometimes what I feel for him fills me so much, it overwhelms me to the point of tears. It's a desperate kind of love that consumes me." I sigh, wiping my eyes. "How can I feel like this so soon? How can I feel this way at all?"
Jessica smiles. "Because it was meant to be. Don't question it, and don't feel guilty. Just accept it and be grateful."
Nodding, I smile. She always knows just what to say. "Thank you, Jessica, for once again being my mother at a time when I truly need one."
She hugs me. "Thank you, my dear, for giving me the joy of being your mother. I couldn't love you more if you were truly my own flesh and blood." She pulls back and wipes her face again. "Now we had better stop all this crying or Adagio is going to wonder what he has gotten himself into by getting the two of us together again."
"You're probably right."
Forty-four
On Christmas Eve, Anna stops by with her arms full of gifts for our family. I introduce her to Jessica and Jessica is immediately taken with her. Sometimes I wonder if Jessica has ever met a person she didn't like. We visit for a few minutes, then Anna leaves to get back to her own family celebration.
In the evening, we gather in the family room in front of the tree and sing Christmas carols, and Adagio reads the Christmas story from the Bible.
As I listen to him, I can't help remembering the previous Christmas we spent together, except it was Ingo who read the story of Christ's birth. We had been so happy to have Adagio with us. He hadn't been able to bear the thought of spending another Christmas alone and we didn't want him to. I had even talked with Adagio that night about getting together the following year for Christmas.
As Adagio's soothing voice brings me back to the present, I find it both poignant and fitting that we are indeed sharing this Christmas together, only not as just friends, but husband and wife.
Coming to the end of the nativity story, he smiles lovingly, pulling me close, and I am sure he is remembering as well. We both loved Ingo. I loved him as a spouse and Adagio, as a brother, and now we share a love for each other that grows with each day that passes. The time of feeling guilt and uncertainty has passed. Our life is as it should be.
* * *
After having some eggnog and Christmas treats, Adagio pulls several large boxes from the storage room down the hall. They are filled with wrapped presents. While I get Ingo ready, Adagio tells Jessica what we planned and she is excited to participate in this opportunity. After loading the boxes into the back of the large van used by his employees to pick up produce for the restaurant, we leave.
Fifteen minutes later, we arrive at an old Catholic Church just outside of Treviso. I knock and the large door is immediately opened.
"Merry Christmas, Signor Giovanni!"
"Well, Merry Christmas to you, Mrs. St. John!"
"We're sorry to be so late," Adagio says, carrying the first of the boxes in and quickly going back for another one.
"Oh, you are just fine." He holds the door open for us and we enter the large, beautiful old building. This particular church is no longer used for worship, but instead houses families in transition, offering them help until they are able to get back on their feet. Looking around, my mind wanders back to the day Adagio and I met Signor Giovanni. We were shopping at one of the markets a couple of weeks ago when we met two older women picking up supplies. They were both loaded down with bags and we offered to help them carry the groceries back to their vehicle. The women graciously accepted.
On the way to their car, the women told us about the non-profit organization they volunteered for and the families they were trying to help. We listened with sadness as they told us about these families and how hard things were for them financially, and my heart ached for them. The parents had no money to buy Christmas for their children because there were so many other things they needed more.
I told Adagio I wanted to help them and he felt the same. We have been abundantly blessed and couldn't think of a better way to use our abundance than helping others. We followed the women back to the old church where we were introduced to Signor Giovanni. He and his wife, Theresa were grateful for our willingness to help.
"Are all the families here?" I ask.
"Yes, they are. My wife is reading them a Christmas story in the great hall downstairs."
While Adagio grabs the last box from the van, I introduce Signor Giovanni to Jessica. Thankfully he can speak a little English and Jessica is able to converse with him. However, I know the language well enough and continue to speak to him in Italian.
When Adagio returns, we follow Signor Giovanni down to see the families, meeting all the parents and their children. A few of the children are withdrawn, but most are friendly and eager to get to know us. I place Ingo on the floor and the children immediately begin playing with him. Jessica and I visit with the group of parents while Adagio brings in the gifts.
"Look what the St. Johns brought for you, children!" Signor Giovanni says excitedly.
Each child's eyes brighten as Adagio helps Signor Giovanni and the other women give out the gifts. I made sure to mark each gift ahead of time with their names, so the right gifts go to the right children. After everything is handed out, we stand with the parents and watch the children open the packages, their happiness evident with each gift they unwrap.
Signor Giovanni gives us a teary smile. "I can't tell you how much this means to us. We had so little money to help out this year and the donations have been few. Having you come into our lives has been a miracle." He grips Adagio's hand. "Thank you both from the bottom of my heart." Each of the parents tearfully express their gratitude as well.
"There is no need to thank us," Adagio says. "This is what we are here for. This life is all about helping others." He pulls an envelope from his pocket. "We hope this will help to get things that are needed."
"Thank you so much." He hugs us both.
"Adagio is right," I say. "Helping each other really is what this life is all about."
We say goodbye to the families and wish them all a Merry Christmas. I blink away tears as each child hugs us. Signor Giovanni thanks us again, sending us off with a basket of fruit and some homemade biscotti.
Except for an occasional sniffle, the ride home is mostly quiet as we each contemplate the wonder of the evening.
Jessica tells us that she can't remember having a more special or meaningful Christmas, and she will remember this one forever. She is grateful to have been able to be a part of such a special opportunity.
Adagio takes my hand and smiles. We have both experienced something truly amazing and neither of us can ever remember feeling so at peace. I am blessed to even be in the position to help others this way. I definitely remember what it is like to have to go without, and I'm grateful for the opportunity to give back.
Before we go to bed, Adagio and I discuss how the service has affected us and decide this will be a tradition in our family from now on.
* * *
The feelings from the night before linger in our hearts and Christmas morning is filled with joy as presents are exchanged and opened. We all laugh as Ingo goes after the wrapping paper each time a gift is opened. He isn't old enough to crawl yet, but he can roll and scoot to get where he wants to go. Grabbing the camera, Adagio takes lots of pictures, promising to send Jessica copies.
We enjoy a wonderful Christmas dinner and stay up until late talking about the special time we shared last night.
Jessica tells us how grateful she is to have been able to spend Christmas with us and we feel the same. Adagio promises her we will try to return to the states for a visit before I am too far along to travel.
Before going to bed I receive a phone call from Gloria and Patrick. They are traveling to Verona and Milan for an after Christmas vacation and want to come by and see us on the way. We eagerly say yes and anticipate their visit. Though it is late, I knock on Jessica's bedroom door to tell her the news and she is ecstatic!
Gloria and Patrick arrive the following day and we are all tearfully reunited. I hadn't realized how much I missed them until now. They cuddle little Ingo and marvel over how much he looks like their son while catching up with Jessica, and we open the gifts they brought for us. They spend the night and head out the following morning, expressing their gratitude and happiness for the opportunity to visit us and see Ingo. We embrace them both, assuring them they are always welcome.
* * *
When we finally have to say goodbye to Jessica, she and I are in tears. I will miss her so much, and I wish she could stay longer, but she needs to get back to the boutique. Adagio again tells her we will try to come back and visit.
I give her a final hug and a kiss before Adagio takes her to the airport. I tearfully wave goodbye until the car is out of sight, and look forward to the day we will see each other again.
Forty-five
I am now well past the days of morning sickness. At seven months along I feel huge, but Adagio continually tells me there is no one more beautiful, and his longing and desire for me never wavers. Our nights are full of passion, and every day our love for each other deepens.
* * *
Adagio gazes across the room at Cisely as she rocks Ingo and softly sings to him. A little over ten months old, Ingo is starting to walk and venture through the house. They'd quickly had to install extra safety gates to keep him out of trouble. Their son's antics never cease to make them smile. As he continues to watch her, he is more content than he has ever been. At times like this, he sometimes ponders his life before Cisely.
Adagio will always miss Ingo, and he never feels guilty whenever he thinks of Cisely once being his friend's wife. He will forever treasure the memories of the time he shared with them when Ingo was alive. But as he gazes at Cisely now, his love for her again overwhelms him to tears. She means everything to him, is everything to him. She is the very air he breathes and he loves her more than his own life.
He sometimes wonders how this can be, especially knowing she had been the love of his best friend's life. And what if something happened to her and death separated them? Or if death took them both? Would she meet Ingo again on the other side and choose to be with him again? Would Adagio be able to cope with losing her to Ingo after loving her so desperately and completely?
He has no answers, and he doesn't want to think about it right now because it is physically painful and too unsettling. He only knows she truly and completely owns his heart.
When Cisely looks over at Adagio and smiles, he again glimpses forever in her eyes and it startles him. The feelings that just a look from her stirs inside him . . . it just amazes him.
"Ti amo, Cisely," he says, smiling at her.
* * *
"I love you, too," I say back, blissfully happy with my life. Everything is so good with us, I sometimes have to push away nagging fears that things won't always be this way. Sure, our life isn't perfect and I know we will still have trials, and I pray that I can handle them when they come. But I only have to look into Adagio's eyes and I know that as long as he is by my side, I can face anything.
The ringing of the phone breaks into the quiet stillness of the house. Adagio answers it and I continue to rock Ingo.
"It is for you," he says, sounding surprised. He brings me the phone. "It is your cousin, Velma."
I am surprised as well. I hand Ingo to him and he leans down to kiss me before taking him outside to play, giving me some privacy.
I haven't talked to Velma in a long time. The last time was about a month after Ingo died to let her know what happened. Velma had been so sorry to hear the news. She said she really liked Ingo and thought he was a great guy. During that same call, Velma told me she had gotten a job as a nanny and would be moving to Florida. I was so happy for her. We've been keeping in touch with one another through letters. When I wrote Velma about Adagio and told her of our plans to be married, she was happy for us and very supportive.
Right now, she is still in Florida. This is the first time she has called since moving and I pray she is doing well and everything is okay.
"Velma, how are you?"
"I'm fine. It's so good to talk to you."
"It's good to talk to you too." I can already tell something is wrong just by the tone of her voice, and I'm amazed that I have grown to know her so well. "How is the nanny job going? Is everything okay?"
"Everything is fine. I'm doing great and keeping busy. Of course, with looking after three kids under six, there is never a time when I'm not busy." I smile, understanding. She pauses. "I received some news from home, Cisely, and I have something very important to tell you. It's actually a message I'm supposed to give you."
"A message . . . from whom?" I ask her, my curiosity piqued.
"It's . . . from your father, Cisely."
I feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me. I am slightly ill and feel like I'm going to be sick, but I swallow hard against it. As my mind reels, the same question repeatedly races through my thoughts.
"What message could he possibly have to give me?"
Velma is quiet for a few seconds and I know she wishes she didn't have to be the one to do this.
"He is in a hospice, Cisely. He is dying of AIDS . . . and he wants to see you."
You've got to be kidding!How could he even request such a thing? I can't believe it. My father mentally tortured and sexually abused me for half my childhood, causing so much emotional pain, I hadn't thought I would ever heal. What right does he have to request this or anything else from me? How dare he do this to me now!
"Cisely, are you okay?"
I shudder. Velma still doesn't know the full extent of my childhood with my father and I have never desired to tell her. "I don't know," I answer honestly. "And I don't think I can grant him that request."
Velma sighs. "Cisely, I don't know everything about your life with your father. I do know he hurt your mother, and I can understand that you might still have ill feelings toward him. Even still, Cisely, he is your father and he is dying. I mean, as much as I dislike being around my mother and am glad to be away from her, I can't help but care about what happens to her. I can't hold her mistakes against her the way she has held mine against me."
I want to scream, "You have absolutely no idea what my father did to me! You have no clue of what kind of man he really is!" Instead I calmly say, "I'll think about it."
"Okay. If you do decide to go, he is in the hospice center over off Montford Avenue."
"Okay," I say, wanting to be done with the conversation. "Thank you, Velma," I say sincerely. I know she is only trying to help and I really can't be upset at her. I guess she's a better person than I am right now.
* * *
Sighing, I sit with my head in my hands long after the call ends, a dull ache growing as painful memories I've long since tried to bury return to the surface. In my heart, I have tried to forgive my father. I've tried so hard to let this go, but the pain and anger that have resurfaced at the mere thought of his request brings a heaviness to my heart that I haven't felt in a long time.
Oh, God, I voice silently as warm tears slip through my fingers. Why now? Why is this happening now after all this time? I've been so happy. Why must I deal with this now?
Forty-six
Adagio enters the family room, having left Ingo in the nursery.
"What is it, amore," he asks, kneeling down, pulling her to him. She presses her face to his shoulder and cries, prompting his own eyes to burn as he holds her shaking body close. Lifting her in his arms, he carries her over to the sofa. Sitting with her cradled on his lap, he continues to hold her in silence until she is able to stop crying enough to speak. He wipes her tears. "Please, baby, tell me what is wrong."
Cisely finally looks at him. "You know, before I received that phone call, I was thinking about how good my life is now, and I thought that as long as I have you, I would be able to face any trial that came, but . . . I don't know if I can face this one." Her voice breaks.
"What trial?" he asks, trying to keep his voice calm, fearing something terrible has happened.
"My . . . my father wants to see me."
Adagio's brow creases and anger rises inside him until she continues. "He is in a hospice back home. He had AIDS and I guess he won't be around much longer."
Holding her close, Adagio tries to understand what she must be feeling. Her father had hurt and defiled her, causing scars that would always be there. Her nightmares, though infrequent now, bear witness of those scars.
Like so many times before, Adagio's mind drifts back to the conversation he had with Ingo when Ingo shared Cisely's painful past with him. He couldn't understand how a parent could do something so sick. He remembers the sorrow he'd felt as Ingo told him what Cisely had gone through, and how angry he himself had been on her behalf.
"What should I do, Adagio?" she asks, breaking the silence. "I don't know what to do."
Pressing a kiss to her brow, he tightens his embrace. He can share what he thinks, but in the end it will be her choice. It will be painful, but he has no doubt she will make the right one. It's hard for him to think about her even being in the same room with the man, but he knows it's wrong to hold on to such feelings. "What does your heart tell you?" he asks softly.
Cisely brushes fresh tears away only to have them replaced by more. "I don't know because my heart hurts too much right now to listen to it."
"I'm so sorry for all the pain he has caused you, amore," he whispers against her brow. "But maybe he wants to make peace with you before he dies."
She pulls back abruptly. "Am I supposed to forget about everything just like that?" she asks, her voice emotional and unsteady. "Am I supposed to grant him his dying wish so he can go in peace while I'm left holding the pain?"
Adagio takes her hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. "I love you more than anything, Cisely, more than life itself. And one of the reasons I love you, the most important reason, is because you have so much love in you. You are the most giving and caring person I know. Yes, you have pain in your heart, but there is no hatred." Placing a hand on her cheek, he looks into her eyes. "An unforgiving heart is a heart full of hate and that is not you, amore. Sometimes I have been so angry, I've found myself wanting to hunt the man down and beat him senseless because of what he put you through, but as much as I want to hate him and any other person that does such terrible things, I can't because that is not the way we should be. And if your father wants your forgiveness, do you not think you owe him that opportunity? Does not everyone in this world deserve the chance to be forgiven for the hurts they inflict on others when they truly seek forgiveness?"
* * *
I press my face against Adagio's neck as the tears begin anew. I know he is right, but my heart hurts so much, I don't know how to handle it. In the past I would have handled the pain by numbing myself with drinking and drugs. But I can't do that now. I have come too far to go back down that road, and I would rather die than give in to such weaknesses.
"You need to heal, baby," he whispers against my ear. "Maybe this is the way to do that."
Broken in spirit, I continue to cry as Adagio lifts me in his arms. Carrying me upstairs, he gently places me on the bed. Covering me with a light quilt, he sits on the edge of the bed and kisses me tenderly.
"You rest. This is a very hard thing you are facing. I wish I could make it all go away somehow and take away the pain, but I can't."
"I know," I whisper hoarsely. I can see how much my hurting is affecting him, and I hate putting him through this.
"I will take care of Ingo. Just try and rest." He presses another soft kiss to my lips and leaves.
* * *
After closing the door, Adagio checks on Ingo. Finding him content in his playpen, he heads to the den, and with tears filling his eyes, he kneels to pray. He knows if he can do nothing else to help the woman he loves with the trial she is facing, praying for her is the one thing he can do.