!!!TRIGGER WARNING FOR EATING DISORDERS!!!
"You're like a walrus!" "You should loose some weight." "No, you're too fat for that." I was in middle school when I first heard sentences like that directed towards me. From other classmates, friends and even family members. I was a child, not even a teenager! But these sentences have stuck with me for years. They stripped me from all my confidence and led to me developing an eating disorder. At first I just wanted to loose a little weight and honestly it was pretty easy: just eating less. However, it turned ugly really quick. I got obsessed with counting calories, stepping on the scale multiple times a day and seeing the numbers drop. The lower the better. How many calories are in an apple? In half a can of sprite? In toothpaste? It quickly took over my life and I was crying nearly every day and not eating for days. I was actively searching out content on social media to trigger my eating disorder. But then I opened up and actually got better. My mindset changed, I started to eat again, feeling happier. Of course I didn't get rid of all my habits completely. I still loosely counted calories and I wasn't comfortable in my body but I was doing a lot better. Now here's the funny thing: I missed being sick. I started to cut back on my food again, but this time was different. My general mental health was better and I kept eating mostly normal. I hated myself for it. Why couldn't I just restrict like before? Why was I so weak? I hated myself for treating my body like it deserved. But then I got the glorious idea that if I couldn't manage restricting my intake then I could just throw it up after, right? I had tried it before but I just couldn't make myself throw up. This time was different. It had to be. So I tried it and it was horrible but that didn't stop me. I did it again. And that's where I am right now: a recovering anorexic and starting bulimic.
- 03/14/2022