If I could tell you everything I see,
If I could tell you how you're everything to me
* * *
Chan stayed with me until midnight but soon left that very moment Soyeon Noona called him to come over to her parent's home. Well, saying that I'm not pissed and jealous was definitely a lie because I am so pissed but I couldn't peep a word since I'm technically the side whore in their relationship.
I still feel bad doing this, but I feel great having him even if it's just for a day, and I'm not sure if he's being real or if this is some kind of bullshit prank or just a product of my stupid, desperate imagination. I don't know if those words he said were real if those actions were true, or if he was really mine, I don't know.
I can't even make myself feel better by thinking about the assurance of having Chan because I believe he wasn't really mine. He is someone else's lover. Having the thought that there's someone else makes my stomach crumble; it makes me want to throw up. And to think of it, I am the side whore, how pleasing...
So, here I am now. Once again alone, sitting on my couch while in my pyjamas, feet laying on the centre table, a hot chocolate in my right hand, and watching some stupid Christmas movie recommendation from Netflix that I probably have already watched years ago, how convenient...
"Fuck," I mumbled right when I tried to move my hips to get a much more comfortable sitting position. I can't even get a nice rest without making my fucking arse hole sore.
Now I feel like crying.
Crying about the fact that I'm alone again and the only trace of Chan I have right now is my aching butthole. This is just so fucking pleasing.
Oh! Don't get me wrong, the sex was good; I would gladly do it over and over again with Chan, definitely! It's just the stupid sore after the fucking nice sex was hell.
No... I should probably stop talking about the soreness after sex; this makes the mood confusing. I myself feel confused. I get excited thinking about Chan, but I get sick thinking about him being with Soyeon Noona right now. I feel like I'm in heaven at the thought of those I love yous we shared yesterday, but I feel like I'm in hell right now that he's not here with me, watching a stupid Christmas movie.
I feel happy knowing how he felt for me, but I feel conflicted about believing it.
What if he only said that so he could fuck me? What if he just wanted to experience having sex with a guy but couldn't afford to look for a random man for a one-night stand, so he just ran off to his best friend, who was unfortunately in love with him? What if he was just confused last night because he and Soyeon Noona fought? What if he...
"WHAT!?" I stopped having a train of thought when an annoying doorbell started ringing repeatedly.
I stood up and walked to my door to open it, and the moment it opened there was a standing Chan, already in a different set of clothes, looking straight at me. "I've been kicking the door for hours but you won't answer," he plainly said, so I rolled my eyes at him.
"Don't be so dramatic," I answered, then started walking back to the couch.
I heard him chuckle, but I ignored him and just sat back down in my previous seat and asked, "Why are you here? I thought you'd spend the night with the Jeon's?" I asked while pretending to focus on the TV like I didn't care about Chan's presence beside me.
He sat beside me, and I could feel his stare. He cleared his throat before making me look at him by gently guiding my cheek to look in his direction. He didn't say anything; no words or sounds came out of his mouth; he was just staring at me, which made my heart pound hard. And the next thing I knew, he was already kissing me.
I responded, of course, but soon stopped after a scene from my mind slipped—a scene of him kissing her before going to me. I couldn't afford sharing his lips with another person; I wanted him all mine, just mine.
"What's wrong?" He worriedly asked, so I shook my head. "Nothing," I answered.
"How's the visit with the Jeon's?" I asked as I pretended to get my hot chocolate and sip on it.
"It was nice, like the usual." He plainly answered, just like how he usually does, so I nodded my head.
"Then, how things are going on with Noona?" I asked back how I usually do with this kind of conversation with him. However, instead of answering me with just a simple "good" like he normally answers, he paused this time, looked into my eyes, and said, "We made up."
Hearing his response felt like my heart started burning with jealousy and anger but I just smiled forcefully, "I see, that's nice," I answered and went back to pretending watching the movie while trying not to cry.
What is this now, Chan?
I felt him staring at me, but he then sat properly beside me before resting his head on my shoulder, then got my right hand to squeeze it and massage it carefully, saying, "I couldn't get the right timing earlier; I'm sorry, I couldn't do it right away. It's hard, Lix. Please don't be upset; give me time."
I just hummed; I didn't know what to say. I am not trying to demand things from him; I just don't know how to react.
Chan continued playing with my hand until he just intertwined them together and said, "Don't be upset, Felix. I can't do this in an instant; it's hard to get the right timing." He said.
"I'm not upset, Chan." I plainly answered.
"Don't lie to me; I know you. I can feel the overthinking, Felix."
"It's not that. I understand the situation, Chan. Who am I to demand? You're cheating on her with me; who am I to ask for more? I just.."
"Hey, don't say that, Lix."
"Well, that's the truth, Chan. And I'm aware of it, well aware of it." I forcefully smiled at him.
He worriedly looked at me, then cupped my cheek and said, "I'm sorry for putting you in this situation. I'll find a way to tell her as soon as possible," he softly said, then tried kissing me, but I moved away to prevent him from doing so.
"Stop kissing me, please," I asked, which made him sigh.
"What's the matter?" He worriedly asked.
"I don't want to kiss you right now, Chan," I said honestly.
"Why?"
"Just not now... I couldn't stand the fact that you kissed her with those same lips before kissing me; it makes me feel worse." I think I have the very right to feel like crap about this situation.
"I didn't kiss her... I suddenly couldn't do it," he said quietly, his hand clutching mine. I think he's nervous. I don't know why.
We went silent for a moment; only the sound from the movie playing on my TV screen was the only source of sound for a while, until I finally got the guts to break the silence: "Don't you feel bad, Chan?" I quietly asked.
I heard him sigh, and his hands started playing with mine. He's really nervous, I guess? I can feel it; I know him well enough, and I think I'm right.
"Because my conscience is killing me, I feel like my guilt is slowly eating me," I added.
That's when he moved and sat properly before making us sit face-to-face: "I do feel bad; I'm nervous; I'm anxious; I feel like rubbish. I hate doing this, Felix. I hate being the bad guy. I hate putting you both in this situation just because of my selfishness. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to waste this chance and opportunity to be with you. Only if you know how long I've been trying to avoid these feelings for you. I really tried to set them aside, and that's why I decided to propose and move away because maybe I'm just confused, but I was wrong. I started longing even more, Felix. I started feeling worse. I know all of these shit are wrong, it was me, the source of this problem. But I'm too selfish to stop myself; I can't afford to lose you, and I also can't afford Soyeon hating me... So, if you think this is easy for me, well, no. I feel like shit, and I don't know how to resolve this just yet; I'm so sorry."
Hearing those things from his own mouth made me feel even worse. Why do we choose to be like this? It's just so complicated, it's wrong. Even though I've thought about it so many times, we're wrong in every aspect of what we're doing. Even if we truly like each other, it's just so wrong; everything is wrong.
"What do we do? I don't want to lose you either, not now that I know you like me too." I answered.
"I don't know, Lix. Maybe we should just wait for the right timing? But for now, let's just keep us a secret." I only hummed in agreement. I hate being the bad guy too; I despise people who do this shite for so long, so I'm not sure how I ended up doing the same thing.
Again, we both fell into silence and just focused our gazes on the TV screen, pretending to show interest in the movie that was playing, but I knew we both had something else in mind.
We're just totally fucked up.
2022.12.28
strayradish_