I couldn't sleep, nor could I think. Instead, I continue to shift positions in my sleeping bag in hopes of soothing the alarming thoughts that were shredding through my mind.
This new information tortured me. It opened my eyes to a new perspective about everything. From the moment I sat beside him at the coffee shop, to the evening strolls, to us having a tea party..... It was strange to think that Pete had a thing for me all this time.
I couldn't wrap my head around it. Didn't he say it himself... That "having feelings for someone" is against our group policies? Shouldn't he know that? All this time I tried so hard to be accepted into this gothic-alternative-subculture of a group.... Conformist this and conformist that.... At the end of the day, weren't we all just hypocrites for trying to conform towards this specific group anyways? It feels almost like this was one huge satirical bit in a movie.
I hide myself underneath the covers of the sleeping bag once more, groaning in exhaustion. Unfortunately, I still have school tomorrow and I was not looking forward to it.
-
In the morning, Pete and I began walking to school. He gave me a hoodie and some cargo shorts to wear. We started walking an hour earlier than normal because we also just wanted to clear our heads for a bit.
He looked rather tired, sighing often and placing his hands in his pockets. We spoke only a few times, but they were a few bland good morning and hello's.
In general it was just... Really awkward. When I first awoke (it was a miracle that I went back to sleep in the first place) I felt really dry and dizzy. I always hated the feeling of waking up after a sleepover.
As a few cars pass us by, I couldn't help but sigh in exhaustion. Yesterday was insane. Not only did I find out that my place was literally inhabitable, but I found out that somebody I just met a few days ago was in love with me. It even feels weird to even think about it like that... Like somebody is in love with me right now. Somebody actually cares about me, thinks I'm attractive, and cool...? And do I even like him back...?
I've never really been in love before, so I don't know how relationships work or what it means to like somebody in a romantic sense. Clearly my parents didn't set the best example of that either.
But I still think Pete is a nice guy. He's been nothing but kind to me unlike the times where he seemed distant, which was now understandable with context.
I wonder how Pete felt, trying to solve these feelings. Judging by my experience so far with his group, they obviously don't appreciate and stand for romance. It's probably some form of cringe culture to them. I wonder if he felt like his recent interest in me was going against everything he believed in. Maybe bringing it up to the goths all of a sudden would just tear the group apart. And that's the last thing I wish to happen because I had recently been on such good terms with them. For once, I felt like I truly belonged somewhere.
There were too many thoughts racing through my head, all I wanted to do was go back to Pete's and huddle in the sleeping bag all day. But today was a school day and the goths would probably notice our absence.
I just needed to get through the day.
—
Pete and I arrived at the spot a little earlier than normal. Nobody was around and I could hear the birds chirp as the sun beams.
We sat beside each other on the doorsteps, not exchanging a single word.
To clear the silence, I slide closer next to him and clasp my hands together. "So... Yeah.." I drag out, watching how Pete looks at me curiously. "Can I say something?" I ask.
Pete nods and says nothing but flips his hair.
"I just realised how weird yesterday was and I kind of wanted to apologise. It was definitely a lot to take in at once.. Like that whole closet situation, and then that thing with my dad.." I grimace. "I'm just really sorry about all that and if anything made you uncomfortable just let me know and I won't mention it again."
Pete gives me a distraught expression. "No way dude, everything is totally fine. I understand it was all totally out of your control." He pulls out his lighter from his pocket and begins fidgeting with it. "If anything, I'm kind of glad you told me. Really clears shit up and... Yeah. You can come over anytime if you'd like."
I nod in relief. Wow I'm so glad he's chill with all of that.
"That would be cool, thanks." I say.
Pete doesn't respond and instead pulls out a cigarette from its box. He places it in his mouth and begins to light the end. I awkwardly watch him inhale and puff smoke into the air.
Then he glares back at me. "By the way, you don't smoke cigs right?" He asks.
I shake my head. "Yeah, no... My dad does though. I guess I just negatively associate all that shit with him which is why I never do it myself." I explain, and Pete nods.
"Well... Wanna try one?"
I widen my eyes in disbelief. And it wasn't even because of the offer... But the way he just hands me his used cigarette as if it wasn't just touching his lips a few seconds ago.
"Oh.. Are you sure I could use that..?" I emphasize 'that' with 'the cigarette he just used' and he got the message.
"Oh yeah, sorry, I could get another one."
"It's whatever..."
I grab the cig with my fingers and bring it to my lips, inhaling the toxic ass substances before puffing a very small cloud of smoke. The inside of my mouth burns, my eyes swell up, and I begin choking and coughing uncontrollably. It kind of tasted like the smell of burnt wood.
Pete places a hand on my back for support. "Woah, (Y/N), are you good?" He asks concerningly. "I know, my first wasn't really the best either.."
I pass his cigarette back before coughing a few more times. "Wow that was fucking awful..." I cough one more time. "You guys do you, but damn, I wonder how you guys get so addicted to that shit."
Pete releases his hand from my back and doesn't respond. Instead, he continues puffing his cig.
Then it's another period of silence once again. Next thing I knew, Pete finished his cig and stamps it underneath his foot.
I sigh, holding my face with both of my hands. Suddenly I feel a huge wave of tension wash over me, and I have the urge to throw up. What are we even doing? We're chilling at the spot alone before school and waiting for the others.. We are literally alone! I should be thinking of ways to bring up the subject of the letter I found last night. But how the fuck do I even do that. Pete is literally right there in front of me, surely, I should be saying something.. But how should I even bring it up? There's no way I could casually mention it right now, after failing to smoke a cigarette with him.
Wait. That's it.
Pete remains seated beside me, his hands now in his pockets. Without warning, I lean my head against his shoulder.
"You know um.. That was my first indirect kiss." I say, my face heating up.
Pete flinches away, and I back up in response. I watch as he covers the bottom half of his obviously beet red face with his sleeve. He looked like one of those anime catgirls you would see on nightcore thumbnails. I wasn't sure whether to take that as 'ahhh I'm so embarrassed >_<' or 'yeah no fucking way get out of here'. So I just made sure to keep my distance since he clearly needed some space.
Eventually, he removes his sleeve to talk.
"I mean, whatever, it's just a cigarette." He flips his hair, attempting to regain his composure. "And I just wanted you to try one drag, so I don't think it counts-" I cut him off by placing both of my hands on his shoulders.
"If it doesn't count, wanna try one?"
As I stare blankly at Pete, he stares back at me with the most embarrassed look I've ever seen. I almost feel embarrassed myself, knowing that I had just casually asked him if he wanted to kiss me. Oh my God I think I ruined everything.
"(Y/N)... I don't..." He begins. "I don't know if we can, you don't even like me in that sense right?"
I am at a loss for words. But I take a deep breath and remove my hands off his shoulders.
"Well, do you like me in that sense?" I boldly ask.
My plan clicked perfectly. Now, he doesn't have a choice but to tell me that he—
"No?"
Fuck.
I sigh in exasperation and deadpanned. If he really isn't going to say it then I might as well.
I gaze down at my shorts. "Pete, I'm sorry it's just..." My shoulders tense up. Here goes nothing... "I found your letter in the trash last night. It had my initials on it and it was basically a love confession. I feel awful because I wasn't supposed to find it, but I knew I had to bring it up somehow. I promise I don't think of you any less."
I refuse to look back up, hugging my figure even tighter. I feel so fucking embarrassed. Deep down, I pray that Pete doesn't get mad at me. Maybe he'll finally tell me the truth, or some other kind of explanation?
A few seconds later, I hear something shuffle in front of me. I finally look up to see Pete cupping the palms of his hands on his face. "Oh my god I'm so fucking sorry." Were the only audible words I could hear.
I do nothing but sigh and place a hand on his shoulder once again. "Hey... It's okay. I was just really surprised is all... We can always talk about it, I promise." I try my best to comfort him.
Pete removes his hands from his face, revealing his rosy coloured cheeks. "Yeah.... I really fucked up (Y/N). I'm so sorry you had to find that shit instead of me just saying it straight up." He sighs, adjusting his posture. "Truth is, yeah, ever since I saw you I thought you seemed really cool and well.. I think I had a really big crush on you."
I feel my face heat up by hearing those exact words come out of his mouth.
"Don't be sorry I... Think you're also really cool. I've.. never been in a relationship before though and I kind of.. Have no idea how they're supposed to work. I'm sorry but don't even know what it's like to love somebody." I ramble. "But ever since I met you guys, I don't know, it's provided me a sense of comfort I never got to experience. Especially with you."
Pete stares back at me and smiles subtly. "It was all super awkward at the start but yeah.. I felt the same way. I guess I just didn't know how to express it."
We both nod and shrug in awkwardness, the silence fuelling the tension.
I decide to take the final step. "Well... We don't have to have it all figured out now. We can still be friends and I suppose we can both figure it out along the way?" I suggest, clasping my hands together and hoping that he'll agree with me too.
Pete nods shyly. "Yeah..!" He suddenly takes the both of my hands and looks me straight in the eyes. "(Y/N).. Despite our random awkwardness, I'm really glad I met you and I hope we can be great friends and hopefully more in the future. I promise I'm always available anytime you feel unsafe."
I feel my hands suddenly tremble in his. I feel so enlightened. "Thank you Pete... I... Don't know what to say other than I feel really happy."
We stare at each other and smile.
-
A few moments later the other goth kids eventually returned, and we resorted back to our usual goth routines. There is one thing that wasn't usual though, and that is Pete and I sharing a stronger connection than ever before. And although we had doubts and anxiety... We eventually pushed through them and allowed ourselves to face them directly.
Pete and I came from backgrounds where love was inexistent. Where it appeared in the form of violence, selfishness, and nihilism. But we both know that together it will nevermore present the same way.
-
[A/N]: i hope you all enjoyed reading :) the ending was really tough to write lmfao but after 4 years i finally finished it. thank you so much for sticking around <3