AY'LANI AMOURA WRIGHT
Wednesday 2nd March 2022- 2/3/22
it is wednesday. i feel anxious. i walk to the centre and register myself, then i am told to wait in the waiting room.
after 13 minutes of waiting, i hear someone call out my name.
"AY'LANI WRIGHT?" a woman calls out
i stand up and make my way to the woman.
"hello ms wright, i will lead you to your therapist but you requested for the session to not be face to face so i will lead you to one of our enclosed rooms" she explained.
i get taken to a room, the room is dark and there are candles lit up everywhere, in the middle of the room is a barricade that separates the room in two. there is a sofa which is filled with pillows.
"this is your therapy room, your therapist is on the other side of the room" she says
i nod.
i decide to sit on the sofa and i fiddle with my fingers until i hear someone else call my name. but it is a man, the voice is deep & it doesn't sound central london like all these other people but more south london. it reminds me of home and makes me become a little more comfortable.
"ay'lani wright?"
"yeah thats me" i say timidly.
"cool, here are your test results" he says slipping the paper under the barricade.
the test results are shocking. it says i have /had previously clinical depression, social anxiety disorder, ptsd from previous events.
like any normal person, i have had some pretty traumatic events in my past but i have never been officially diagnosed with any disorders or anything like that.
"so ms wright , how do these results make you feel?" the man asks.
"i dont know how i feel to be honest, i just feel like okay it is what it is" i say
"mhm okay, so how so you think these diagnoses came about?" he asks
"uhm, i think for depression it came about when i was like 12
DEPRESSION
a lot of bad things have happened to me but i wouldn't say i was depressed at all.
when i was 12, around the time i was in secondary school, there was a house fire.
my mum, my two sisters and my brother died in that house fire.
for 2 months i could still hear their screams. this led me to not eating for days on end, not leaving my room for days on end, crying for days on end. my heart hurt for days on end. i thought abt killing myself to ease my pain but i was just too scared to do it, too pussy.
after my mum and siblings died, i had to choose whether i wanted to live with my dad or in a foster care home. for the first lets say three weeks and a bit, my dad was so nice and made me feel abit better. but after those three weeks and i still was eating little to nothing , staying in my room all day, doing nothing productive but being on my phone. he had enough. he started to beat me like punch me, force me to eat when all i did was throw it up afterwards and not only physically abuse me he would also verbally abuse me which caused me to mentally abuse myself and wish i were the one who was dead.
my dad would shout and beat on me for hours, and i felt as if i deserved it and it was my punishment for being alive. all those repressed emotions i would take out on myself in the form of self harm. it hurt but it hurt so good and i deserved the pain.
this went on for about 6 months until i was questioned by my school about all the scars and bruises i had on my legs. i wanted to protect my dad so i said i did them by myself. i ended up having to go to the hospital for treatment on my wounds and got referred to a psych ward,
"oh wow , im sorry you had to experience that" he says he empathetically
"its fine , its in the past but it did cause me to have social anxiety, it wasn't formally diagnosed but i didn't like to associate with people and i am very wary of peoples judgement" i say
SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER(SAD)
ever since my siblings and my mother died, i have always been afraid to meet new people in the fear that they might leave me like they did.
ever since that night, i have had the realisation that people are just on this earth to die so there is no point in getting attached to a person or to love them bc they will leave you all alone. i always fear meeting new people and i fear what they think so i mostly stay to myself so their judgement wont affect me.
my dad always said what he thought and me and my looks would always be a point of discussion and within those conversations my face my height my weight etc would be brought up and the things that he said were very hurtful.
my dad also spread ideals in my head about this world, he always said that this world is full of bad people who do not want you to prosper and these ideals stuck i guess. i always think that people are out to get me and all good things are just disguised bad things. he really messed me up mentally.
"mhm, so what do you think all these events lead to and how did it affect you in the long-term" the therapist asked
"i think that it might've led to ptsd" i reply
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD)
like obviously everything i have been through would take a toll on me but i think its deeper than that.
i would have random flashbacks to that night. i would randomly have dreams were i see that my whole family is with me and we are all happy but then they all drive off and leave me all alone.
my mood would randomly change just thinking about them and my heart would just hurt when anyone in a tv show or online would mention their siblings or mum.
"these are all common signs of ptsd , ms wright" my therapist says
i divert my eyes to my laps and start to fiddle with my fingers
"okay so it says that your prescription is only anti-depressants and you have to take them twice a day with a four hour period in between" the therapist explains
"thank you very much mr?" i say
"mr davis" he says
"but you can call me malik if you would prefer" he adds
"okay bye mr davis ill see you at my next session"
i leave the room feeling happy about the session. i feel much better getting that off my chest.
i take a picture of the centre and post it on my instagram story
as i leave the centre i feel my phone vibrate.
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man that fucked up my mood , bro must be mad who does he think he is to 👏🏾👍🏾❤️ me like i didn't do all this for him to just say nothing but👍🏾👏🏾❤️. silly guy man
end of chapterrrrrr
thoughttss?
the therapy centre?
ay'lanis past?
kejah?
anything u wanna see?
imma start being regular w my updating but please interact w the chapter if i feel like noone is enjoying the story it will demotivate me yk.
thanks guys i love you all💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞