Time passed and I began to feel less reticent about imposing myself on the Holland family, as they never once indicated that my presence was a burden and I had a standing invitation to pop round whenever I wanted to; we even had a group chat, with everyone on it, even if it was mostly used by the younger brothers, like before, with Paddy mostly using it to tell me about his relationship, such as it as, with Sophie and asking for advice, including about when to kiss her and how to do it, which had made me laugh. I had started to feel that I was part of the family that made my heart sing and a warmth and sense of belonging grew inside me, helping even more to push back the years of darkness inside me.
I visited often, several times a week in fact to catch up, drink tea, have dinner, help stuff envelopes for the charity they'd set up and even help organise the twins birthday tea, for which, on request I'd baked not just my cheese scones which always went down a treat but also a two flavour birthday cake, half being red velvet for Harry and the other being cookies and cream for Sam, neatly iced to hide the joins. It was nice to be so welcome, no matter who was home, almost always either Nikki or Dom and the younger boys rotating in or out, and of course Tom who was the most elusive, but being conscious that his work took him to places I could only dream of, and the fact he had his own house a few streets away. But still everytime I walked through the door I had a small lift in my heart at the hope that he'd be there. It was just a silly little crush I'd tell myself, trying to get through the disappointment that shot through me everytime he was absent. I thought back often to our previous few encounters and came to the conclusion that he must just see me as another sibling, one to joke around with and tease so I carefully put away my feelings and tried to swallow down the hope of more, recalling the damage that love had done to me and acknowledging that I'd had my chances and blown it, Love was for other people, and I should be grateful for the friendship I had instead.
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Tom tried to come round more often to his parents, but the filming schedule hadn't been kind for the start of the year, but soon he would be luckier as the final month was set to use the stages at Elstree not too far outside London, meaning he could live in his own home and travel in most days. He tended to lurk in the group chat, just to keep an eye on things he told himself, a way of being connected but even he couldn't ignore the tiny surge of joy everytime Y/N posted something - even just the terrible jokes she'd found in an attempt to out dadjoke Dom, and he was looking forward to having a chance to try and unravel the mystery that was Y/N, as he knew only the barest amount about her and he was intrigued.
So he found himself popping round his parents more often whenever he could, to the point where Dom starting joking about charging him rent with cheeky grin which was almost always met with a dirty look in return. It was on one of these many occasions that he was round, in early February, filming having paused for a set rebuild, slumped on the sofa with an ever present half drunk mug of tea in his hand discussing the next events for The Brothers Trust and what he could offer as a potential prize for the winners of a raffle. Whilst chatting he kept on checking the time to see how much longer it would be till Y/N arrived, and as it crept past her expected arrival time he grew more and more antsy about it, fidgeting and losing his place in the random conversations that flowed through the Holland house. It finally got to almost 75 minutes late and he wondered if it would be silly to pop up to the local shops and see if he could see her anywhere, when she piled in through the door, having been let in by Dom which had gone unnoticed by Tom deep in his own head. He looked up, smiling in relief when he noticed her eyes were slightly swollen and red rimmed which immediately led to a burst of concern and a twinge of protectiveness.
Where had that come from he thought to himself. Dismissing as the same sort of reaction he'd have for other friends when they were having a hard time. He shuffled himself upright making space for Y/N to sit down next to him, but she'd just come in to apologise for the delay and grabbing a mug of tea before heading upstairs, where she went into Paddy's room? Tom knew each and every creak of the house he'd grown up in and he was certain that's where she was. After about 20 minutes, she'd not come back down so he decided to satisfy his curiosity and wandered upstairs, ostensibly to see if one of his shirts had been left there from a few weeks ago.
He could hear muffled conversation and some laughter as he headed up, feeling a tiny pang of exclusion. He wandered past Paddy's door to see him and Y/N sitting on the floor surrounded by papers and a few books with highlighters and different coloured pens
"Hey guys, whats up" he asked casually as he leaned against the door frame, looking at the chaos.
"Exams" responded Paddy gloomily "and I just can't understand the Geography paper, again"
"we're trying to pull together some study notes" Y/N offered with a watery smile, that didn't meet her shadowed eyes.
"Oh right," Tom answered "I'll er, leave you to it then" as they turned back to the notes they were collating and effectively dismissed him, leaving a sour taste in his mouth and the urge to just jump in the middle and get some sort of reaction from them as they were in their own little world. And it didn't include him.
He returned downstairs and tried to fight off the feeling of being left out, it was school stuff on a subject he'd dropped years ago and certainly couldn't have helped anyway; but it burned, the feeling of being dismissed, of being excluded and of being ignored. Thinking back it wasn't the first time it had seemed that Y/N was ignoring him in favour of his youngest brother and it hurt. He tried to work out why this bothered him so much, after all he got ALL the attention normally and he hated it, so why, this time was it so uncomfortable for him - was he jealous? Of Paddy? He had to admit that he'd noticed a shift in his feelings towards her, one which had slowly been creeping up since New Year.
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From upstairs, I heard the front door close as I continued to guide Paddy through making a useful set of revision notes as my mind wandered. It had been a hard day for me, beginning with a panic attack which had disoriented me and thrown off my carefully planned day leading me to be late as I was too busy wrestling with my past to notice the time and then seeing Tom, sprawled so carefree on the sofa, with his curls lying across his forehead and what looked to be a super soft black jumper. I was desperate to just curl up next to him and be comforted from my demons, but the voices were just too loud for me to silence today - I didn't deserve any comfort, not even from someone who obviously saw me as a sister - so I'd quickly excused myself to grab the proffered mug of tea and head up to see how Paddy had been getting on.
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Tom had excused himself to his parents and headed home to grab his bag before driving to the gym. Pushing himself through his usual strenuous routine, ending up on the treadmill for a run to warm down. It was almost empty and he was alone in his section watching his reflection pound along the strip of rubber, his head a mess of conflicting thoughts and emotions. Using this time to try and get through his headspace and find a way to stop the uncomfortable feelings that he'd been experiencing since xmas time. He found his mind wandering back to Y/N, wondering what had happened to cause her to turn up so late and so upset, and how he could do.......what, what did he want to do about it?
Hug her?
Comfort her?
Protect her?
Wake up next to her?
Find out what had caused those beautiful E/C to be so ....
wait, beautiful? was that what he thought?
And her lips, so pouty and kissable, the way she'd bite at her lower lip when she was deep in thought, and that soft mass of H/C that he wanted to stroke and run his fingers through. To do anything to make her smile and laugh, and be happy, together?
His heart lurched and his feet almost tangled as he grabbed the sides of the machine, slowing it down with a quick jab at the buttons, coming to a halt, still staring wide eyed at his reflection. Where had that come from. It certainly wasn't a friendly reaction, or one for siblings, more of a romantic way, but that couldn't be it could it? He quickly picked up his water bottle and towel, shoving on a hoodie and left, opting to shower once he got home. He headed out to his car and turned on the radio to distract him when he heard the presenter announce an oldie by Jennifer Paige and as the song progressed he sighed with relief. A crush. That's what it must be, he just had a harmless little crush on Y/N. Not surprising as he hadn't been dating for a while now and she was harmless, not someone who would be out to use him or anything, someone who had challenged him, which he had to admit he enjoyed, who had pushed his views, who wouldn't back down just because of who he was. Someone who was 'safe', who liked him FOR him.
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Finally the time had come for the twins birthday tea, and I was putting the final touches to the decorations on the cake before putting the final touches to myself. I'd been shopping and bought a wonderful blue velvet vest top overlaid by a sheer lacy netting to wear with my wet look leggings, after all it was a party in the loosest sense of the word and it felt wrong to not make an effort. I made sure to take my pills for the day, run my routine check of the property before calling a cab, there's no way I was going to negotiate the bus today, not with a birthday cake on my lap. It arrived swiftly and in no time at all we were outside the Hollands, complete with birthday balloons and banners - anything to embarrass the twins I grinned, as I knocked, carefully placing the heavy cake box on my hip to do so - the last thing I wanted to do was drop it now at the last hurdle.
The house had been decorated using the most childish decorations as possible, but the twins seemed to revel in it and it became clear that for this family, birthdays were everything and they went all out to celebrate. I was greeted by a double kiss on the face from Harry and Sam who pretty much jumped me as I came in the door, barely allowing me to hold onto their cake which was carefully deposited in the kitchen as I handed them both giftbags containing their gifts; nothing too expensive or out there but I'd taken some time to track down an out of print recipe book for Sam by his favourite chef and for Harry I'd found a print of his favourite album cover to hang on his wall. Both gifts were received with additional kisses and hugs from the birthday duo, who yanked me through to the living room where a dozen of their friends were as well as the rest of the Hollands.
Tom looked up as he heard Y/N's voice from the hallway as she was attacked by the twins pausing in his conversation with his uncle to brush down his shirt and check his hair was still gelled back - so sue him if he wanted to look his best, crush or not. Then as she came through the door, pulled along by Sam on one hand and Harry on the other, both of them monopolising her he caught sight of her face, and how her eyes seemed to gleam and how she was gently biting at her lips trying not to laugh at the boys as they introduced her to all their mates. He imagined being able to cuddle up on a sofa and listen to her tell him about her day, she was just so kind and he admired her obvious intelligence and how she'd help Paddy and even now just being in the same room as her felt like balm to his soul, he was comfortable, he felt like a part of him that had been missing was now there and he was complete.
His attention was dragged back to his uncle who hadn't noticed Tom spacing out or his internal monologue as everyone gathered round as Y/N's cake now adorned with candles was brought in to the delight of the twins. The usual happened, everyone sang, candles were blown out and the cake sliced by Y/N for anyone who wanted some. Tom found himself with a small slice of both flavours and practically moaned as he started to eat, looking over to see of there was any more left for a second slice, but instead locked eyes with Y/N. His mouth, still full of cake dried out and his heart skipped a beat as he took her sweet face in, noticing her shiny lips. He swallowed and walked closer.
"This cake is amazing, really, the best I've ever had" he stumbled out whilst trying to hold back a blush as she smiled at him.
"So glad you like it Tom, which is your favourite one?"
"I couldn't possibly decide, not without an extra slice" he said with a wink, before leaning even closer to her brushing against her hip, feeling the warmth radiate off her as he reached for a another small portion.
He was readying himself to flirt more with her, knowing he could be a charmer, he was an actor after all, when a grimace passed across her face as she lifted the emply cake stand with her left arm. Without thinking he grabbed it as it started to topple out of her grip placing his plate and the stand back onto the table before turning to her properly and placing a hand on her shoulder to comfort and reassure her as he caught a tantalising waft of her perfume, mixed with the sweetness of frosting and a hint of something that was all her.
"All good?" he asked with concern lacing his words
"Yep, sure." she responded painfully.
He pushed up the sheer netting over her left forearm and began to rub the muscle gently with his warm strong hands
"Still causing you problems?" he asked
"A little," she replied " but it hasn't twinged like that for 3 weeks so its healing, just really slowly" she scrunched up her nose at that and Toms heart clenched painfully in his chest.
"Anything I can do" he checked, still rubbing gently at the scar, not wanting to end touching her, feeling her cool soft skin under his hands and being so close, looking at her through his eyelashes, trying to calm himself and his pounding heart.
Knowing he was holding on for too long, but she hadn't pulled away from him, looking back at his warm brown eyes they were both shocked back to reality when one of the balloons popped from the living room as the twins caused havoc. Y/N carefully pulled her sleeve back down and headed into the living room as Tom busied himself grabbing the cake stand to return to the kitchen where his mum was washing up.
He walked slowly into the kitchen, trying to sort through what had happened. He added the cake stand to the pile of dishes and without being asked picked up the tea towel to dry the plates. Nikki stopped and looked at him with concern, this was something he'd always done when he wanted to ask her advice back as a teenager, cocooned alone in their kitchen. She waited, knowing he needed to be the one to open the conversation.
"Mum" he finally began "what....how....how do you know when you like someone whether its just like a crush or if you, you know......."
"Love them?"
Nikki smiled to herself internally, having noticed how Tom had changed when Y/N was around and his little glances and attempts to get her attention had stacked up.
"Well, its hard to say I suppose." she began "I would say that a crush is more of a brief thing, something that burns brightly for a few days or weeks then just suddenly stops as you get over it. Love, well, Love is a more enduring emotion. Its not always bright and fast but its always there. Its when you want to put the other persons feelings and wellbeing ahead of your own, that they mean more to you than yourself. You care about them, warts and all, good side and bad side and still accept them no matter what. Does that help? In a hypothetical manner of course"
"Yeah, hypothetically" he smiled, this having been the cornerstone for him asking for advice as a youngster.