~ K I N S L E Y ' S P O V~
Tired. Alone. Regret. Tired, Alone, and Regret were the things that replayed in my mind. Day by day, Night by night. Hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second.
Tired from all of the restless nights Alone filled with regret from all of MY wrong doings.
Tired from all of the fighting i've done alone after the regret I felt keeping myself awake, alive even.
Tired Alone and Regret were feelings that have numbed and pained me all of these years.
Tired, Alone, and Regret were the things not only haunting me but have been made clear it was the only thing I would ever feel. That I would ever understand.
Tired is being in need of sleep or rest; weary. Tired is no longer being fresh or in good condition.
Alone is having no one else present. Alone is having no help or participation from others. Alone is being isolated or lonely.
Regret is feeling sad, repentant, or disappointed over. Regret is feeling bad about something that you shouldn't have felt bad about.
I closed the journal in which the pages sat dampened from the endless amount of tears slowly falling from my eyes. I hid it in it's spot, under the old broken floor board that only I knew about.
The time is 6:30 a.m. School starts in an hour and I have yet to make breakfast for my family.
Family.
Family never has and never will sit right with me. I've never had a family. I've had people that have given me a roof over my head and thats about it. The people I call Sir and Ma'am.
I remember once when I was 5 I had wished to be loved like a mother and father should love their daughter. I remembered once when I was 7 wishing I could have a sibling to make this hell a little more tolerable.
I got up off the cold, broken floor, rushing to the bathroom to cover some of the many visible bruises.
One time I went to school with them visible. I was 5 when that happened. My kindergarten teacher asked me about it and once I told her she had told my father what I had said and it was horrible.
I finished covering up the spots in which would be visible, and made my way to the make shift closet. It held only 2 pair of leggings, a pair of jeans that are way to big, 2 shirts, one hoodie, and a pair of shoes that are worn out.
I decided on the jeans and hoodie, sliding both on carefully to not smear the makeup. I then made my way down the stairs and began making breakfast for my parents.
It was a requirement that I had made them breakfast and dinner daily. One time I was late to make their dinner and my punishment was not being able to eat for a week.
I sighed, taking out the eggs and bacon, rushing to make sure it would be done before they woke up.
Luckily, it didn't take much time and I had it set up at the table. By time I heard them coming down the stairs, I had slipped out the door to begin my 30 minute walk to school.
Another one of their rules was that if I were to be seen by them in the morning there would be a consequence waiting for me when I walked through the door after school.
The walk to school was boring as per usual. I was told I didn't deserve friends so they were prohibited for me. There were quite the amount of people that tried to befriend me, but they had given up after they saw I wasn't budging.
I walked through the school grounds just as the first bell was being rung. "Perfect, 5 minutes." I whispered to myself.
My first class of the day was Math. I've always been so effortlessly good at math and I never understood why. Every time I was locked by myself, I would teach myself how to read and write. School didn't truly teach me that until the third grade.
The school system here in Washington was fucked. They only cared about the money and how their staff were being treated. They never once took a student into their consideration.
I've been reported so many times by other people because they've seen bruises. And what did they do? Absolutely nothing. Not even a call to the principals office.
I walked through the halls with my head hung low. Math class was just around the corner, I was lucky to reach it on time.
"Kinsley, nice to see you today. We've missed you the past few days." My teacher, Mr. Bennet said. The look on my face must have confused him more than me because he sent back a puzzled face. "What?" He asked.
I shook my head, "Sir, i've been here everyday for the past month. I've sat right in this seat." I said, pointing to the seat i'm currently sat in. The class snickered, "It means you aren't noticed by him either." One of the boys says. "He probably wouldn't care if you just disappeared from the earth Kinsley." Another one said.
I shook away my thoughts, "Alright, today we're learn-" and thats when I stopped listening. I had already figured out how to do this in 6th grade. I'm a sophomore now.
The class went by surprisingly fast for me. I was sat staring at the wall the whole time. Before I knew it, it was lunch time. I hated lunch the most because I would always get stared at. I was the weird girl for getting food and never eating it.
You would think it would be the other way around being the only time I can eat freely. But id end up telling on myself, getting myself into more trouble.
I had just made it to my seat in the cafeteria, the back right corner, when the Principal came up to me asking for me to follow him and that he had some things to talk to me about.
I instantly became panicked as I was thinking about what my stepfather would do to me.
All eyes were on me as I followed Mr. Herth towards his office. But as we got to the office, it was packed with police officers and other people dressed in expensive clothing.
"Please, take a seat Kinsley." The principal ushers me. I nod, taking a seat without making eye contact with any of the officers.
Mr. Herth cleared his throat, making me shift uneasily in my seat. "So, Kinsley, we had just received the news that your parents have passed away due to a hit and run on the freeway. They were pronounced dead on the scene and they both identified to be your parents. I am deeply sorry for your loss." he says was to calmly.
He didn't mean a word he said. I knew it. He knew it. Everyone in the room knew it.
I could not believe my ears. It was almost as if this was a joke and everyone crammed in this tiny office would start laughing in my face. "Seriously?" I asked, not knowing what to feel. Mr. Herth nodded.
"Again we are deeply sorry." He said. I didn't know I was crying until the tears were present on my hands.
But why were their tears?
Why did I suddenly care. Why had I cared for the people who didn't give a damn about me? I guess that just shows how much I cared and loved them that I was hoping to get it in return.
"Now what? I have nobody else?" I whispered, I hated seeing myself like this, in my most vulnerable moments. "That's why these officers and case workers are here. They want to help you." Mr. Herth stated, pointing to the people surrounding the room.
They didn't give a damn either. They were worried about when their next pay check was gonna show up in the bank account. They were worried about when the next hopeless kid was going to show up so they could break them even more.
I didn't want or need help from any of these people. I nodded my head, sensing they were waiting for a reaction. I wiped my tears, gaining slight control over myself once more.
"Office Reagen will help you out and get you to the station where he will explain the rest to you." Mr. Herth explains, showing me one of the officers.
We bid our goodbye's and I was escorted out by the officers and social workers. All eyes were on me from the cafeteria. How lovely.
Am I finally free?
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