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KEEPING SECRETS JUST TO KEEP YOU
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Once he's properly dressed again Taehyun tries to make his way to the botton bunk of the bed but light grip on his arm succesfully stops him from doing so.
"Hey... Maybe you want to get some fresh air before falling asleep?" Yeonjun words are choosen weirdly carefully, his tone soft and inviting like he doesn't want to scare the younger off and despite his mind still being quite clouded with buzz Taehyun nods slowly and follows his hyung to the balcony.
"C'mon..." Yeonjun slides to the cold floor, his back against the wall as he pats spot beside himself, encouraging Taehyun to join him. "Just sit down Tyunnie, okey?"
Taehyun, still quiet as ever sit beside older, his cautious eyes not leaving Yeonjun. Something is off and it isn't about sobering up, this much Taehyun can figure out. Yeonjun never before treats him like his fragile and now he's clearly trying hard to be way too carefull with his words and actions.
"Why... what is it about hyung?" Taehyun whispers quietly, getting to the bottom of Yeonjun's suspicious behaviour since older is clearly playing around.
"I told you, I don't want you to fall asleep still drunk, you're gonna feel awfull in the morning..."
"No." Taehyun says planly, piercing Yeonjun with his gaze until older finally cracks.
"Fair enouh." He rolls his eyes, the carefull and soft tone from earlier forgotten. "I just want to talk about you and Beomgyu."
Taehyun straightens in his seat, not expecting that question to fall out of Yeonjun's mouth. He blinks, once, twice, thirce as his face twisted into mildly confused one.
"What about Beomgyu and I?" He asks back suspiciously, immediately going for his defending mode.
"Oh, what about Beomgyu and I!" Yeonjun parrots mocked him, pretending to do the same suprised face that Taehyun is probably having after hearing the question. "Chill out Tyun, it's going to be nice and quick 5 minutes conversation, that's all."
Teahyun keeps being quiet, like he did since a while now. What he's even suppose to say at this? In his mind he had countless conversations with himself about what's between him and Beomgyu but he never voiced it out to anyone. He didn't even say it out loud to himself.
Cause voicing it out would mean that it's true and Taehyun still was too scared to embrace his feelings and consequences of them.
"I just want to ask I don't know, what's the deal?" Yeonjun sighs, trying hard to make this conversation sound casuall and comftable, but every muscle in Taehyun's body is already tensed, like he's just been caught in the middle of the crime scene. "Like, clearly there is something going on between you two , something ughh, romantic? Or sexual - is it sexual?" Taehyun's eyes blows up even wider at that and he shakes his head rapidly in almost violent manner. "Okey, so it's not sexual. But obviously you have something beetwen you and I just, ughh, wanted to know. Yeah. What it is? What's the plan? That sort of things?"
Silence replaces Yeonjun's blabling as Taehyun just fidgets his fingers and staring at the older, his eyes scared and confused.
"It's just a question Tyun, don't look at me this way. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I... There's no wrong answer really." Yeonjun delicately takes Taehyun's hand into his own, trying to convince him to talk by caressing the back of it with his thumb.
"I... He..." Taehyun realy doesn't know where to start. All of the thoughts and feelings about Beomgyu are still tangleted in his mind and he's not sure if he wants to sort it out right before Yeonjun. "He's good to me?"
That is such an understatement but Taehyun truly don't know how to put all that newfound feeling into words. Just a memory of his interactions with Beomgyu from past months make a subtle shade of red find its way to his ears and he quickly pats his heated up cheaks just to come back to his sences. Beomgyu was just so... effordlessly flirtatious. The way he smiles at Taehyun so softly, almost sheepishly, speaking so adoringly and making the younger blush almost every time, and Taehyun rarely even blush. Beomgyu is so dreamy, looking like a goddamn work of art with his caring nature, silvery words and angelic face and yet he seems not to be aware of that, subtly or not-so-subtly calling Taehyun the beautiful one. Taehyun would almost think that Beomgyu is in love with him.
And well, it's not like the feeling is exactly unrequired.
"He... It's like he has his way with words, you know?" Slowly, Taehyun tries to express to his hyung all those intense thoughts that has just invided his mind. "Makes me blush like no one ever did before and makes me feel like we're the only in the room at any given time... and it's not an easy feat as no one really is ever alone here in this goddamn crowded dorm. And he... just speak so intently, like every one of his word is hand crafted for me and I just want to, I don't know, hold onto them, grasp it again my chest or maybe wrote the song with them, just so I can repeat them over and over again..."
Taehyun lies down completely, head on Yeonjun's lap as he looks more into the dark night than at his hyung. But he's no longer sure to who he explains his whole viewing of Beomgyu - for Yeonjun to udnerstand or for himself to have the final assurance that he finally comes to peace with his intense feelings.
Cause what more can he say, really? From the moment he met Beomgyu he were slowly discovering that the boy is nothing less but kind and sweet and funny and gorgeous, and Taehyun was always weak for boys who were kind and funny and sweet and gorgeous. Actually, fuck that, he didn't even kown he'd weak for boys like that until Beomgyu came into his life, so maybe the case is that it's only Beomgyu that he is weak for.
"So... You like the guy, huh?" Yeonjun's now caressing the youngers head, his hand softly going through his hair as he tries to give him as much comfort and warmth as he can. And eventhoygh Taehyun didn't say that directly yet, older is sure that they both knew the answer to that question already.
"It's not that I was deluding myself till today, thinking that I'll never have a crush..." There it is. Maybe not the most direct conffesion, but Yeonjun know Taehyun too well to expect something more. "It just never crossed my mind that I can have feelings for..."
"Someone as lame as Beomgyu?" Yeonjun chuckles as his own joke, trying to lighten the heavy atmosphere a bit after Taehyun suddenly went silent, but what next came out of younger's mouth really broke his heart.
"... a boy." Taehyun ended his sentece, voice trembling from fear as his tries hard to escape Yeonjun's gaze, avoiding futher eye contact. Deep inside he know that he's newfound feelings are safe with older, who was always there to comfort and never to judge but he can't help but shakes from fear at voicing out secrets that he kept to himself for so long.
"Oh Taehyun..." Yeonjun almost break down at this too, bringing younger closer to his chest and tightening his hug around him. He can feel warm tears wetting his shirt now, a sign that all of the intense emotionts and confessions are way too much for overwhelmed Taehyun. But Yeonjun stays still, letting his friend cry eyes out on his shoulder, while desperate trying to calm him down just with his presence, cause he knows very well there are just no words that can comfort Taehyun right now.
He stills remembers when he came out to his members as bisexual years ago. How no matter his usuall confidence and laid back attitude he still felt soo scared and maybe even a bit of ashemed to unravel this part of himself to his friends. And scared. He was so scared knowing the possible consequences. Korea always were traditional and not very welcomed to LGBT community and just add this to pressure of mantain flawless image if an idol. Dating scandal is a threath to career, but being outed as gay is an instand and bitter end to it.
But Yeonjun also remember the feeling of relief when his members turned out to be totally cool about it. It was like the weight and imaginary ballast is lifted off his shoulders when those boys that grow up to be his friends patted his backs in proudly manner like he just win the greatest achivement. And damn he still remembers Wooyoung lame jokes that even if he'll get boyfriend in the future and can't get him pregnant the awkward sex talk is still on.
"You know there is absolutely nothing wrong about is, right Tyunnie?" Yeonjun breaks the silence first, when he feels like new tears stops coming out from Taehyun's eyes.
"Of course I know that." Taehyun, his voice little now a bit stronger now finally pull himself up from Yeonjun lap. He also wipe his running from tears nose, trying to pull himself together again. "It doesn't really matter who I like anyway, it's not like we can end up together. I... have to go back to Korea, to our careers... right?" He tries so hard for this sentence to come out bluntly, not just to convince Yeonjun, but maybe also for his own assurance, but somehow his voice betrays him again this night.
"I've probably never told you this but..." Yeonjun scrach his head nervously, embarrasing memories flashing in his mind. "But back when we first claimed our spots for the debut line up I used to have the BIGGEST, fattest crush on Wooyoung."
"What?" Taehyun is clearly taken aback by this sudden confession and Yeonjun can't help but chuckles at his reaction. "For real?"
"For real. I mean, how could I not? I was young closeted trainee, almost not having any other interactions than training with you guys and there was Wooyoung. Handsome, funny, always there for me, knowing my trainee struggles like the back of his own pocket cause he was facing the same and he was my best friend. Damn, he still is."
"But... what happened? Did you confess? You're not together and he's straight right? So did you get rejected?"
"I did not." Yeonjun smiled softy, clearly not having regrets or bitter memories from that experience. "Sure, it was painfull for a while, knowing we can never be together romantically, but why would I be depressed and upset over that? Wooyoung isn't at fault that he couldn't reciprocate my feelings and... I guess in the back of my mind I know our time together is limited, you know? We're still young, living together, seeing each other every day but we won't be idols forever. I... I have who knows how many years left with him, my leg injury assured me of that, because one day we'll retire and move out. Wooyoung will find a very sweet girl, probably marry her and I'll be there for him when it happens, just like he'll be there for me when I finally meet someone who can love me romantically and more than a friend. And we won't see each other so often anymore, maybe on holidays or so, but that's okey cause no matter what, he'll still be my best friend. Idols careers can be intense but short Tyun, and I guess I just decided not to dwell on unpleasant feelings and cherish every single moment I have with him until our time runs out. Cause in the end, no matter what, I'm always gonna love that idiot and can't be nothing but happy that I have someone like him in my life."
Taehyun goes into deep thoughts after hearing that. Yeonjun sounds so mature but also soo... peacefull about. Like just the presence of Wooyoung is enough for him, like his friendship and having him in his life is all he ever wanted. And Taehyun knew his and Beomgyu relationship, platonic or not have an expiration date from day one. But does he have the strenght to just let Beomgyu go when the time finally comes?
"I...But... How much longer will it take to cure this?" Yeonjun laughs a bit at the fact that Taehyun refers to his little crush like he just caught some unpleasant medical condition. "Just to cure it, cause I can't really ignore it..."
"You'll be fine, Taehyun." Yeonjun assures the younger. "Both of you will be fine."
"Hyunnie, yoo Hyunnie!" Taehyun is pulled out of his intense overthinking by no other than Beomgyu, when the older flickes his ear quite paintfully way, just to get his attention. He's ready to snap at that but halt his arm that's going for a shoulder punch immediately when his eyes meet Beomgyu cheeky ones, other just playing around with his long hair tied in half ponytail and a pen carelessly stuck behind his ear.
Taehyun curses Yeonjun and his wisdom for probably thousand times already, cause it's been over month since their conversation and Taehyun seem to not be recovering from his crush anytime soon. But how can he, when Beomgyu looks so effordlessy stunnig even sitting behing the desk during their shared class.
"What's happening?" Taehyun force himself to tear his eyes off Beomgyu, looking around class, cause he clearly wasn't paying attention for some time now. Thankfully he has a good explanation for that, as most of the students just lazily count the minutes to the end - it's their last class before the summer break and official end of semester, whitch also means Taehyun and Kai will complete their first year of studies.
"It's about the summer assigment? For those who continue advance filmmaking next year." Beomgyu quickly explains. "We're to create a short documentary film about the topic of our own choice. The guidelines are on the board anyway."
Taehyun quickly writes them down, lenght of the movie, documentary characteristic... It seems that he'll have fun, trying to exectue those when he go back to Korea for holidays.
"Are you plannin to continue this curse next year Hyunnie?"
Taehyun slowly lift his head from scribbing in notebook, nodding slowly. Beomgyu's face lights up with smile at that as he happily respons.
"Me too, me too."
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They celebration of first day of holidays is simple, domestic but totally satisfy to the whole friendgroup. As most of the students, encouraged by beautiful and warm weather flooded nearby bars, being edgy for outdoors partying, Taehyun, Kai, Beomgyu Soobin, Jay, Magz and Christine decided to stay at the empty and probably the first time in forever quiet dorm, crashing and Korean boys' room.
They stuffed themselves with sweets like kids on Halloween night, Soobin treating them with chimney cakes from his favourite bakery downtown. The tube shaped, empty inside bread-like treats were sweet enough on their own, but Beomgyu decides that stuff them with peanut butter and ice cream (courtesy of his work place) is even better idea. And as they laid down with fool tummies, with their mouths coudn't get rid of the sweet flavour, some of them on the beds, other tangleted together on floor they just watched tones of movies. Some made them laugh, that one brought Soobin and gIRls to tears and when at the great finale in the form of Mamma Mia! came, they even had a little karaoke, singing badly on the top of their lungs. It was the perfect begining of summer - domestic, bit careless and sealing their friendship as something that will definitely survive spending holidays apart.
But now, movie night is over, girls dissapeared a while ago, Jay snores on the floor, with Kai and Soobin being tangleted in tight hug, sleeping at the bottom bunk. But neither Taehyun nor Beomgyu can bring themselves to fall asleep as peacefull as the rest.
They are lying at the top bunk, facing each others with fondly eyes, when Beomgyu finally breaks the silence.
"You... you're coming back to Korea, right?"
"Yes, me and Kai have our flight back tommorow, but you know that, why did you ask?"
"No." Beomgyu lightly shakes his head, faint smile never leaving his face. "I'm not talking about summer break. After graduation, you have to... you want to come back?
Taehyun gulps heavly at that. As he and Beomgyu were getting closer and closer every day, they've never touched the sensitive topic of Taehyun's inevitable departure until now. They succesfull avoided it, exploring freely whatever it is between them without caring much about the future, but now where the question were finally asked, Taehyun quite not know what he suppose to say.
"Yes." Eventually he whispers quietly but surely, knowing that there's no point in leading Beomgyu on. "I have friends, family back then, my dream job too. And even culture and the country overall... i miss it too. I... I belong there."
Beomgyu nods with understanding at that, the smile still curving his lips up, but Taehyun can't shae the feeling that his eyes flicker with hurt for a split of second.
"Is it a nice feeling?" Beomgyu doesn't let Taehyun dull on that hint of sorrow as he keeps asking questions. "Not being in the dark anymore, having all your life figured out already?"
"I mean... It is nice sometimes. Knowing your purpose. Knowing your strenghs and following them, learning and I don't know... growing?" Taehyun tries to indirectly explains his career because damn, he loves to preform. And all of his murderous dance and singing practices fade to nothing more than mere obsticle as soon as he can put his feet back on the stage. "But sometimes, even when you think you have all figured out, something unexpected can happen. Like cocky Choi Beomgyu, who pulls out a freaking heist just so he can win you over."
Taehyun playfully flicks the other's forhead, just as Beomgyu did to him earlier today, earning a giggle from the older.
"You probably think I'm a major looser, don't you?" Suddenly Beomgyu sounds just so small, despite trying to maintain carless and happy expression. But his eyes, full of sadness are clearly betrying him now and Taehyun is sure that it wasn't just his imagination before.
"How can you say that?" He answers quickly, maybe a bit too quickly but he can't help, not when Beomgyu is looking like that, curled up into himself, breath trembling. Something inside Taehyun breaks at the sight. Beomgyu, who always simles so effordlessy with eyes full of joy was now whispering faintly, as like he is afraid of being heard. And it's a sight Taehyun wants to chase away as quickly as possible and banish forever.
"C'mon, I have nothing figured out. Spent last two years on being literally vagabond, part timing and funny anegdots from travels my only expierence. Honestly, I don't know if I would ever attend college if my mum didn't chase me off to one. And here I am, wasting my time on parties and watching way too many movies, majoring in who knows what..."
"Hey, hey, but hyung you're a hella smart cookie after all, remember?" Taehyun's still shocked at the fact that Beomgyu has such insecurities and that he just chose to let it all show. "And you know it's not true, what happened to majoring in computer science? And we've just talked about your ice cream app being finally done, I thought that you wanted to show it to your boss next week? That's quite impressive and you'll have tones of opportunities with those skills!"
"Yeah, opportunities for 9 to 5 desk job at IT department. Sounds totally like me..." Beomgyu sighn heavly. "I... I just wish we don't have to grow up yet so I can stay here forever with you...yall." He corrects himself quickly, turning his gaze away from Taehyun and looking at their sleeping friends. And Taehyun completely doesn't know how to respond at that, so with empty brain, confused of what he would actually wish for, he just repeated Yeonjun's words from month ago, even if he isn't sure if they're true anymore.
"You'll be fine Gyu, all of us will be fine."
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AN: God, me creating jokes-free chapters, look what happened.
AAAAA THE FIRST PART OF THE BOOK IS OVER, I'M EXCITED!
And I'm not a very emotional person, like the rage of my emotional reactions is so small that it can fit into a tea spoon, really. So chapters like that are always a struggle (tho it's only second one like that haha).
Goodbye to Taehyun the narrator for a while! Honestly, he was an obvious choice as a narrator since he knows it all about his and Kai's grand scheme and undercover idols mission. But at the same time, Taehyun in this book is soo reserved about his expressions, almost a bit shy, overthinking everything and I had such a hard time writing all his thoughts and the plot from his pov cause he's nothing like me. Literally no common personality traits hahaha, but I hope his actions feel kinda natural and that I did him justice!
Now Beomgyu, who most of the times acts like he doesn't think at all hits a bit closer to home, so I guess see you next time, maybe writing his perspective will be easier for me!