QUOTE OF THE CHAPTER:
"Is it possible for home to be a person and not a place?"
― Stephanie Perkins, Anna and the French Kiss
Dedication: @republicans (because I fangirl whenever she comments and she has dibs on Cal. well, she's Anha basically, that's why.)
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CHAPTER TWELVE
We are descending the stairs, the sound of our feet escorting us, and step by step, I get more nervous. I should've have been mad at him at his room, why did I act like it was nothing? Why do I even meet his mother? I sigh and he looks at me with the look asking what's wrong and I just sigh again.
"You don't have to," he says, pausing at a step and staring directly at me. "I have been telling a lot about you and she wanted to meet. But of course, if you are comfortable with it. I'm not going to force you into something you aren't willing."
When he says it like I am not comfortable - yes, I am not - it makes me feel like a coward. However I'm not a coward. Therefore, I need to prove it. I take a deep breath, then casting my eyes on his worried ones, my lips unconsciously quirk up with a smile. "I'm not comfortable. It's just - you could tell me beforehand." I look down at my outfit as if I do care. "I would wear something nicer." Wait, this sounded so wrong.
But it is too late to take my words back. He looks at me with an amused grin, "Are you afraid if she won't like you?"
"She will like me," I spit out nervously, "I - I know it. Gilmore family is attracted to me."
He chuckles, "Good determination." Then, he starts to descend again.
"Wait, did you just confess that you are attracted to me?" I smile sardonically.
He looks at me, right in the eyes, and there, his look buries deep holes inside my body - my stomach. It doesn't feel like butterflies as people say, it is indeed someone burying holes into my body. It hurts - it is the worst feeling I've ever felt. But the thing is I don't want it to stop. Not until it reaches my heart. I wonder what his next words are going to be, if the look is sufficient to make me regret what I've just said. "I don't know," - he grins back - "did I?"
"Probably not," I blurt out, turning my gaze on the ground and walking towards the living room. I feel him coming behind me and that uncomfortable feeling keeps coming back whenever he is closer.
This is the thing I don't get about Calvin Gilmore.
He looks like a shy, funny and weird boy. He is as soft as a pillow, at least his soul, and he cares about people. He is so nice, and he is far from bad. He is the inverse definition of Richard. Or any bad livings. Or me. But at times like this, I can't help thinking he has that bad hint in his soul as well as us. The way he looks at me - it is like he knows how to capture my feelings inside my stomach and make me crazy. It is like he found the spell of my heart - he knows how to control me. There are a dozen of emotions and thoughts I try to push back but they keep coming at me whenever he gazes at me like he's just done. And I feel so scared.
I, Jack Pierce, feel so scared not to be able to push them back wherever they belong to.
"Jack," Calvin interrupts my thoughts which I'm so glad for. If he knew what I am thinking, it would be scandalous. "Are you okay?"
"I am," I mutter absentmindedly, then I turn at him, grasping his upper arm and stopping him before he enters into living room. "Why are you asking if I'm okay?"
"You weren't before," he says with a matter-of-fact tone. "And you ditched school today so I thought it was because you didn't feel well enough."
"Uh no," I quickly reply, "I was bored of the lit class and the next was Maths so there was nothing worth to stay for."
He rolls his eyes. "We have a Maths exam in two days, do you realise?"
"Oh shit, do we?"
"Yes," he says, "what was your first grade? F?"
"D."
"Oh, I am so proud of you. The exam was hard and you got a D, you might have a natural talent for Maths."
I roll my eyes. "Nah," I mutter, "Sydney helped me."
"Sydney? Nerdy Sydney? Oh, how did she help you?"
I look at him as if he is kidding. "Do you doubt my methods of convincing people, Calvin?" I arch my eyebrow.
"Of course not, ma'am," he mocks.
"Good."
Then, we walk to living room just to find Sue watching Powerpuff Girls. "Look, Jackie, I freaking love these girls!" She exclaims, looking at me and I grin back at her. Meanwhile, Cal watches us with a smile on his face. "SHIT BLOSSOM!" She yells and I start laughing because she must have heard me using it. God, this girl.
"Sue," Calvin yells shockedly, "don't you ever use it again."
She looks at him, frowning. "Fuck you Cal."
The next few minutes, I'm on the ground, laughing so hard that it hurts. I swear I didn't teach her any of those but Cal's face is as red as a tomato due to anger. I know I shouldn't be laughing but should isn't a modal in my grammar. It means nothing. "Oh God," I sputter, "Sue."
"Jackie Cookie, it isn't funny," she says, bemused. "Cal."
"Did you teach her cuss?" Cal now looks at me extremely angry and I frown at him.
"Me? What? No."
"Sue, be honest, did she teach you?"
"No," Sue denies quickly, "but I heard her using them so why not?"
"Because it's not lady-like. Especially for a girl like you."
"I don't wanna be a girl like me," she pouts, "I wanna be Jackie Cookie."
"Cal, calm your tits. I'll talk to her," I say to Cal who looks very angry. "Sue," I spin at her. "Don't use those words, darling, okay? Only Mulan is allowed to use them."
"Why?"
"Because Mulan has to be tough to protect her princess."
She nods, and hugs me. And I steal a sideway glance from Cal, smiling, as I hug Sue back. Why do I have to handle those both? And why do I like it so much?
Meanwhile, the door opens and someone enters in with a cheerful yell. "Guys, mummy is home!" Along with her, a delicious smell spreads over the room and I feel my stomach roar. Smelling more carefully, I realise that it is something chocolate-related. Oh, now she has my heart.
She enters the room with bags in hands. She looks younger than I imagine her to be and she is beautiful. Her eyes land on me immediately and a new kind of smile forms on her lips. She exactly looks like Sue, like an older version of her. "You must be Jacqueline," she says.
"Yes," I say quickly, getting a bit nervous about how I am going to act. "But please call me Jack."
"Okay, then." She smiles as she spins and heads to kitchen. I gaze her as she drops the bags and comes back with the same smile. "Hope you like brownie, Jack."
Oh, brownie. I knew it is something delicious! "Brownie? I love it!" I exclaim and I curse at myself for seeming so enthusiastic (well, I am) in the first meeting. I need to keep calm and cool.
She sits down, her body facing us and an awkward silence creeps in because nobody knows what to say next. Then, she starts off again, "Hope Cal didn't force you for this."
I peek at Cal, who is growling at his mother. "No, of course not," I say, amused, "Cal can't force me for anything."
She chuckles. "From what he's told me, I gathered that."
I arch my eyebrow as though I'm surprised. "Has he been talking about me?"
"He doesn't shut up, to be honest."
"Mum," he growls uncomfortably again. "I'm just telling about my day and you are in it so."
Mrs. Gilmore rolls her eyes at him - she is so cool - and turns at me with another smile. "Are you hungry, Jack? I can prepare something."
"I've already eaten, but thanks Mrs. Gilmore." I murmur. Damn, I am so kind. I guess this is the end of the world.
"Uh," she huffs, "call me Isobel. Mrs. Gilmore sounds so old, doesn't it?"
"Yeah, uhm, Isobel."
During the conversation, Calvin is all mute and it's kind of relaxing because whenever he opens his mouth, he growls something. Isobel is so cool though, he is lucky to have such a mother. She says that she was like me in highschool, all rough and stuff but when she met Cal's father, she softened a bit and started to study for her exams just because to catch up with him and it is how she is a doctor now. She asks me what I want to be and I say I don't know. Because it's the truth - I don't even know if I want to be a thing at all.
She doesn't even judge me and nods. It feels good to know that someone understands me because I'm sure no one does, and it is kind of weird that the person is Calvin's mother. Then, she serves us brownie and I devour it for sure, and we laugh throughout the time we spend together and Sue is being so cute.
I pause for a second and analyse the situation: I am so happy.
It feels like a family, so warm and close, and I wish I was a part of it. I get so jealous of Calvin for having the best family ever but then, when I think about it, he is the best son ever, too so he deserves it. He deserves every fucking thing he gets.
And that's the problem.
I turn my head to look at him and he smiles at me - that confusingly charming and sweet smile - and I can't help feeling so softened and smile back. I am afraid of what he makes me feel and I am not sure if it is safe.
The problem is -
I don't deserve him and he doesn't deserve to get a person like me in his life.
I'm not sure if I will be that selfish to creep into his life, be part of it even though I know the actual truth. But right now, with the way he looks at me, I know I can't really stay away for long.
What was this called again?
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