Warnings: dissociative symptoms such as derealization, depersonalization, panic attack.
Vivid descriptions. Anger issues. Angst.
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The next morning, at the first lights of dawn, Anya rushed out of her room. Quickly padding on the tatami and holding the katana from the scabbard, she made her way to the room where she had dinner with Josuke the night before. If possible, she was even more enraged than the night before, when she had sent Josuke to hell and left him standing in the dojo.
Still scarred by what had happened overnight, darting her gaze around the room, she happened to spot Momo in the same position and on the same pillow as the night before. For a moment she found herself wondering if he had at least moved once. However was grateful that she quickly found the man she was looking for.
Josuke was kneeling in front of the low table, on it there was a spread of bowls and saucers. In that short fraction of time, before her anger erupted, Anya recognized a small bowl of soup, an omelette, some beans on a saucer, a low cast iron teapot and a ceramic cup, probably full of green tea.
"Ohayō gozaimasu (Good morning), would you like some breakfast?" he was intent on taking a sip from the cup, perfectly aware of the reason for Anya's behavior.
"What the hell was in that food? LSD, any type of drug?" her chest rose and fell uncontrollably from the exact moment she opened his eyes.
"Just rice and salmon. With a little bit of soy sauce." he gestured by bringing the tips of his thumb and forefinger a few millimeters closer.
"Well I definitely didn't take this sword to sleep with me. Which means you put it there." she hissed. Her eyes were wide open and her forehead was glistening with sweat, while her mouth was still a little thick with sleep.
"Wow, you are very insightful." he giggled as he sipped his tea. "Perhaps the voices weren't entirely wrong in choosing you."
But a second later Anya rushed towards him and slapped the cup off his hands, sending it crashing into the wall. She grabbed Josuke by the collar of his kimono and pulled him on his feet without any significant effort. Something unlocked inside her, and whatever it was it breathed fire. Years of tortures to keep her silent and obedient caught fire and burned inside her all at once.
"Listen to me, old man. I walked in the desert for over a week. Found shelter in a farmhouse, only to see the poor family being killed in front of my eyes. Fought a whole night against the person I care the most in the world, only to leave him half dead. Two days on a cargo ship and then I arrived here, followed some flying fires in the woods and then I met you." Anya spoke slowly, words filled with anger, tension and cold. "And these are just two weeks in my life!"
What she had seen -experienced-, what she had been told during the night, kept popping up in her head every couple of moments. Did he know? Had Josuke known what she dreamed of that night? Perhaps she hadn't even dreamed, yet the integrity of the world, and having found everything in its place, that was a relief for Anya. Still, she was failing at not thinking about it anyway.
"Just to be clear, I'm not an old man. I couldn't be older than your father." he giggled.
"Whatever! You told me about a legend about two magical swords, you forced me to eat with sticks and pet your cat. I don't even believe these tales about energy, about the power of faith, about entities!"
"Anya.."
"Magic and all these things do not exist, Josuke! A sword cannot cure my nervous system. Nor will killing only who's guilty ever make me less a monster!" Anya clearly spelled the words, released her grip on Josuke's kimono collar, and dropped the sword in his hands.
"If believing this makes you feel better.."
"We are just made of matter and we are only useless grains of sand in a completely indifferent universe. And above all, if there is some deity watching now, they surely hate me." she didn't want to hurt him, it was just yet another uncontrollable outburst.
"Anya.." Josuke started, dusting off his kimono to straighten the wrinkles that Anya's grip had created. "You are totally free to believe what you want. Let me just say that you have little regard for yourself." he sighed.
"I know perfectly well what I am." she assured, scoffing. "I'm a weapon, built for strength rather than aesthetics. I simply erased the past and the past erased me. That's it."
"Listen, I'm sorry you think that about yourself. I'm sorry you can't go beyond what they've made you. You could be so much more, you already are so much more.. If only you could see that." one corner of his mouth was turned down and his forehead was frowning in a sad, disappointed expression.
"Shut up! You don't know anything. You're just a fool." she started pacing nervously. The scar on her left eye stung and itched.
"Calm down, sit down for a moment." he put his hands on her shoulders and guided her to a chair for her to sit down. "Your reaction suggests to me that you had a contact last night."
Anya turned pale.
"You." she narrowed her eyes at him. "You organized everything." for a moment Anya had fallen for it. She really believed it. She had believed it was all true, and that her dream had not simply been a synthesis of her unconsciousness.
"Anya wha-" Josuke started but he didn't have the time that she slapped his hands off her.
"You put that katana in my bed after drugging me with dinner to make me believe it's all true." she took a few steps towards him pointing a finger as he backed away.
"I don't know what happened or what they told you. They just told me to do it." the man was almost with his back against the wall. His hands slightly raised yet he was sure she wouldn't hurt him.
"But who?! Who, Josuke? Do you see someone? Because I don't!" Anya raised her arms to the sky.
"The voices." he muttered.
"Ooh, so if the voices told you to throw yourself off a bridge you would do it?" she pointed out.
"Well, there is a limit. Why would they ask me that?" he defended.
"Now I will reveal a secret to you. There are no voices, Josuke! You are completely crazy and I just had a strange dream because either you drugged me, or I am tired and I have never eaten anything other than a fucking undercooked steak!"
Josuke didn't answer anything, Momo thought about meowing in the moment of silence. He just looked at her. The way she had reacted simply suggested that the voiced had instilled doubts in her, in what she believed. And now she was trying to convince herself that way.
"Now, if I may, I renew last night's invitation. Go fuck yourself." Anya spat, turning away from him and rushing out.
However Josuke was right, it wasn't his fault. He had just carried out an order and didn't know what Anya would see. He wasn't the one to blame, he just wanted to help her. And when Anya would finally understand, he would be there waiting for her.
So, once again, he found himself cleaning up the mess she had made. This time it was just a cup of tea crushed against the wall. The night before, it was the turn of the katanas display. But Josuke would have picked up every single shard that Anya would have dropped, if that meant listening her, helping her and being there when she would then look for him in time of need.
Momo meowed again, this time with a lower intonation that seemed almost confused, while Josuke sighed and wiped clean the puddle of green tea from the floor as Anya was already running out of the temple.
✪
Anya's feet carried her out of the temple, across the little lake, down the infinity of stone stairs and through the torii. But she wasn't there. Physically yes, but her mind was completely absent. She wasn't thinking about the katana, Josuke, Siberia or the Winter Soldier. She didn't even think about herself and the sharp pain in her eye. A wild sense of panic rose in her, thinning each breath she took. She had tried to fight past it, but couldn't as her heart pounded against her chest.
It was as if what she saw before her eyes was all fake. The trees, the grass, the rocks, the streams and the chirping of birds. Anya wasn't even sure she blinked as she roamed through the forest in search of the road she'd come from. The trees began to twist and knot on themselves. The whole forest seemed to collapse on Anya.
It felt as if she was looking at her life from the outside. Anya looked at her hands with blurred vision and did not recognize them as hers. She touched her face with her own hands, feeling nothing but numbness. She heard the sound of her own footsteps on twigs and leaves, unable to connect them to the fact that she was walking. Even the headache, the nausea -which was crawling up the back of her throat- and the disorientation she was feeling didn't seem hers. Anya felt like a true walking dead.
Everything seemed distant, blurred, starting to blend together. And when she sunk down on the damp ground, among the thin tendrils of mist, the land seemed distant, as if she was floating miles high. The leaves on the ground Anya tried to grab and pull as a last hold, felt flimsy and impalpable, which turned out to be just a stirring of soil and leaves.
And the rough bark of the tree against her back felt shielded and muffled by a thousand soft pillows. Yet in reality she was scratching and injuring her skin as she rocked, hugging her own knees which she had brought to her chest.
Reality, this world, her emotions and feelings were slipping from her hand like a slippery soap bar. It felt like something was scraping at a wound in her chest with rusty nails. If the sky had been visible beyond the thick blanket of branches and leaves of the trees, it would have seemed to fall on her.
She genuinely lost herself in her own jungle of a mind. It was all too amplified and she was hyperaware of her surroundings. Yet it all looked fake, as if she had started to imagine it. The chirping of the birds became more and more distorted due to a deafening ringing in her ears. Every single noise seemed a hundred times louder yet still muffled. Every little movement of the leaves in the wind felt like a hurricane.
Suddenly a breath got caught somewhere between her throat and lungs. Without realizing it, Anya was standing, hiding behind the tree she was leaning against just seconds before. The creak of a branch that was stepped on had brought her back and suddenly the weight of reality returned to weigh tons on her shoulders and chest.
Like the good soldier she was, Anya had pulled the knife from her belt, tightening her grip on the handle as she heard small footsteps getting closer and closer. She held her breath to reduce the noises to less than zero, as her knuckles turned white from the strength of the grip. Her heart thundered against her ribcage and she cursed herself because if there had been someone with slightly better hearing than most average people, they would have heard her from a distance already.
Her throat worked through a swallow. At that point Anya would have almost expected to smell a leathery sandalwood and an almost spicy scent. But in those steps there was not the heaviness of someone carrying a large quantity of weapons. There wasn't that unmistakable heartbeat in Anya's ear. A heartbeat she had often noticed beating at the same time as her own.
Instead, a meow drew her attention downward. Momo was there, prowling towards her less than a meter away, as her stupid heart seemed to sink into her chest. His eyes the color of a warm honey, sparkled with the few blades of light that the trees let through. But it was still a faint light. As if it were the end of sunset or the beginning of dawn.
How much time has passed? Anya wondered mentally.
It was as if time had turned back instead of moving forward in the day. As if from the rosy light of dawn it was suddenly dark again. Or maybe a full day had simply passed by and nightfall loomed. Who could have known? The trees seemed to want to hide the true face of the sky from Anya, like a secret.
"Momo." the breath she had exhaled was a little looser, easier, as the small animal answered with another meow as she put the knife away. "Come here." Anya squatted on her feet, resting the elbows on her knees and letting her hands dangle in the space between her legs.
Momo approached her, rubbing his head against Anya's fingertips and starting to purr.
"What are you doing here, huh?" she whispered. Internally she will be eternally grateful to the little orange fur ball, fot helping her find a bond with reality.
The girl looked around, realizing just in that moment that she had almost reached the road on her long and crazy journey from the temple.
"I have to go. You know, don't you?" Momo replied with a prolonged meow in a lower tone.
After a while Anya patted him on the head and stood, started walking towards the street, without looking away. Momo sat there and then Anya finally looked straight ahead of her. When she looked back at him, it seemed to her that the cat had moved closer.
This wasn't good. Momo was following her, and she had to make sure that didn't happen. Cursing herself for looking, she stopped her steps and reluctantly began to scare the cat to make him back away. At first nothing happened, but then he started backing away, confused and frightened, until he was no longer visible in the vegetation.
Two eyes more empty than Anya's could not exist in the world as she walked back towards the end of the forest and the beginning of the road. Where she would have gone she did not know yet. And perhaps she would have preferred not even to know.
Taking a small hop to cross the roadside channel, she landed with the soles of her -relatively new and already hopelessly worn- shoes on the damp asphalt. Just a few steps later, with her hands tucked deep into her pockets and her eyes cast down to her toes, a meow caused her to suddenly come to an alt again.
She looked straight ahead and a cat -fur as red as the sweetest of oranges and golden as the sun's rays at its brightest moment, with warm honey eyes- was staring deeply into her soul. Anya threw her arms up to the sky, sighing loudly.
"Seriously?" Anya looked at him, propping her hands on her hips and raising her eyebrows. "What are you doing in the middle of the road? A car could pass by at any moment and hit you!"
In response, Momo mewled again -this time sounding even sweeter, if possible- clawing his way towards her once again. Perhaps it's better to take him back home.
Anya squatted in front of him, this time hooking the space between her thumb and forefinger under the cat's armpits. Returning to her feet, she raised the animal to her eye level.
"You will really be the end of me, you know?" Anya resigned herself. Or perhaps my salvation.
"Meow." purred Momo, and Anya had to fight against the corners of her lips that really wanted to rise. He just decided that Anya wouldn't get rid of him that easily.
"Okay. Let's go home then." she sighed, gathering the cat between her arms, closer to her chest as they walked back into the forest together.
However the orange cat climbed onto her shoulders, settling on them as an owl or a parrot would. Anya rolled her eyes.
"Fine. But I'm already allowing you to become too familiar." Anya grumbled.
Momo rubbed his hairy head against Anya's cheek, squinting softy. A silent thank you for letting me. A comforting and warming gesture that made her heart melt and the ice mask crack once again.
Perhaps Anya was desperate enough to accept any kind of help, any kind of treatment. Asking for help is human. She just wanted to get back to normality and live an average life. Even if she didn't even know what it meant.
When Anya entered the house at the top of the rocky steps and beyond the lake surrounding it, Josuke was visibly relieved to see the girl crouch just enough to let the cat get off her shoulders.
"Thank the Kami of Justice, there you are!" Josuke screamed, rushing towards her from across the room and wrapping her in his arms.
"What are you doing?" she asked confused and maintaining a rigid posture. Eyebrows joined in a frown and the upper lip curled showing the teeth in an expression of disgust.
"What do you think? I am hugging you!" the man wrapped his arms tighter around Anya's shoulders, even though she hadn't accused it in the slightest, and that was about to trigger a chuckle that she stopped in time.
"Okay but what for? And you can stop by the way." she literally shudded the man off her. Still tried by the day and by what she had experienced the previous night.
"You may not have realized it, girl, but you rushed out of here at dawn and now it is long after nightfall." Josuke placed his hands on his hips, dipping his chin and looking at her over the small glasses on his nose. Still, Anya believed it had been a little over a few hours.
"I mean why do you care?" if Anya felt at least some emotion, she didn't let it show on her face as she shrugged with one shoulder.
"Guess I was worried! Helloo? What do you even have in your head?" Josuke nearly yelled, yet he wasn't scolding her, with one hand still propped on his hip and the other pointing at his own head.
Nothing, she thought. But she didn't answer, mentally questioning how someone could be so worried about someone they've known for less than twenty-four hours.
"You must be hungry, would you like to eat something? I can cook you whatever you want." words full of concern came out of Josuke's mouth, probably caused by Anya's lack of responsiveness. Once again she wondered how someone like him could care for someone like her.
"Don't worry, I'm not hungry." she denied the offer. She began to anxiously fiddle with a thread from the sweater. "Listen I'm not good with apologies, so hum.. go unfuck yourself.. Or whatever." she did everything she could to escape the man's gaze.
"Are you asking me to accept your apology?" he raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms across his chest.
"Kind of.. Yeah.. Yes." she felt the sourness of shame burn the back of her throat and the pit of her stomach.
"Okay." he nodded.
"So?" she insisted, now searching for his gaze or something that could reassure her.
"I don't forgive you." he shook his head and shrugged.
"But I literally said I'm sorry!" Anya scoffed.
"Yeah, and I do not forgive you. You may mean it, but you need to learn to answer to your actions. I know it may be difficult, I really do, but people have feelings. And you pretend like you don't but you have feelings like everybody else. " ad it was true because it felt like a harsh thrust straight to Anya's heart.
She knew what it meant to respond to her own actions, and that doesn't mean she wouldn't. But Anya felt her feelings hurt. And it was true that she often pretended not to have them, mostly for self-preservation. This led Anya to think that she was no longer human more than once, but in that moment she also felt a small crumb of gratitude towards Josuke. For the second time in one day she felt brought back to reality by two complete strangers.
"Sit down for a moment, please." Josuke pointed to the low table and she took a seat kneeling in front of it.
Shortly thereafter he joined her with a low cast iron teapot and two ceramic cups, just like the one she had broken that morning. He filled both glasses with a steaming greenish liquid.
"Itadakimasu. (I humbly receive.)" Anya muttered and bowed her head slightly.
At the same time, Josuke held the cup with his right hand while supporting it from below with his left hand. Anya followed suit, imitating his hands position and taking a sip.
"Anya, I just want to make something clear. Destiny, fate, magic.. They don't exist in this world." he revealed.
"What..?" Anya slowly lower her cup.
"Yup." he shrugged. "Your destiny is yours and yours only. It is up to you to write it down, starting from here."
"But you said that-" she was genuinely confused now.
"I've talked about ancestors and kami. Nothing about magic. They've chosen you. So what? You're free to do whatever you want. You said you're free, right?"
"Yeah.."
"Great. Forget for a moment what you freed yourself from. Now, right now, what would you like to do with your life?"
"I.. I don't know. Don't do what I used to do anymore. I think." Anya looked around confused and Josuke slapped his forehead.
"What? Do you want to do good? Do you want to do bad? Do you want to study? Do you want to work? Do you want to stay here and learn how to use a sword? Enlighten me please, because I want to do whatever I can to help you."
"I don't understand.. Why would you ever want to do that?"
"What we do in life echoes into eternity. And then I was given this task, to watch over the sword until its true owner arrives. And I did. You not wanting to accept the legacy means that I'll keep doing it. But if I can help you too in the meantime, cause maybe this is not what you want to do in your life.. Then I'll do this too."
"You know what? This freedom tastes like ashes." she confided with a deep sigh.
"It makes you crazy not knowing who you are. The soul disappears. Were you held captive?" Josuke inquired.
"Yes. But at least I had a purpose, a task. A harsh one, but at least I didn't have to decide most things. I only realize now that following orders is easier than creating your own life starting from zero." Anya observed sadly.
"I know it is difficult. But this is the courage to dream and the ambition to make the dream one's goal. Not everyone succeeds in the enterprise."
"I don't even know what a dream is." she giggled without humor. "I've only had nightmares in my life. Both awake and asleep."
"I'm-" Josuke started, bringing a hand to Anya's to comfort her, but was quickly interrupted.
"No. Don't say it. I don't want your pity. I don't want your sorrow. I don't even deserve any of that, and you've already done too much for me." Anya slipped her hand from under Josuke's -more mature yet softer- hand, placing it on top of it. "I owe you. I recognize it."
"You don't owe me anything, really."
"I recognize that you are a kind, genuine and selfless person. You don't care about me just because you have to protect the sword. I see that." Anya nodded and swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. "And since I may decide to stay.. It could be dangerous for you. So, if I have to stay -and I repeat, if- I will do everything to protect you."
Josuke widened his eyes and raised his eyebrows. As soon as he parted his lips to start speaking, someone preceded him.
"Meow." rang in the room. The two of them turned to the source of the meowing and burst out laughing as they saw the orange fur ball next to them with a questioning look.
"Yes, you too Momo. You too." Anya reassured the sun-colored fur ball, reaching out to stroke him.
"Okay then, let me know if you want to stay. Until then, you can always still stay here." the man chuckled as he pulled his glasses higher on the bridge of his nose.
The two finished their green tea. The comforting silence between them wasn't embarrassing, but only because Josuke knew Anya needed it. Broken only by Momo's purring and mewling.
When Anya retired to her room, she freed the knife from her belt and stuck it into the solid wood column in the middle of the room, just as the night before. She changed into clean clothes, although the sleeves were clearly short compared to her arms and the pants barely reached her ankles. Anya washed her face and hands, the dirt caked under her nails from a day of casually roaming in the forest. She also did not dare to move the mirror, which had remained on the floor from the previous night.
When Anya finally laid down under the covers, on the thin futon, she felt a strange and unusual calm. She fell into such a deep sleep that it didn't even make room for nightmares.
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Derealization is an alteration in the perception of the external world, causing sufferers to perceive it as unreal, distant, distorted or falsified.
Depersonalization can consist of a detachment within the self, regarding one's mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself.
Depersonalization-derealization disorder is thought to be caused largely by interpersonal trauma. (Source: Wikipedia. If you're interested, please educate yourself. Mine is only a fictionalized situation of a character that went through multiple traumas.)
Please don't belittle those who suffer from these disorders. They can be really tough and very often prevent you from living life normally.
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A/n:
HEY EVERYBODY!!
I am definitely not ready for this book to reach 2k views, yet with this update it is going to happen!
I couldn't be more happier and grateful for the ones who recently adder this book to their reading lists, who liked or simply read. And not to talk about the ones who are here from the start! I love every single one of you. ❤️
And since I had the opportunity, I felt that I had to point something about the mental disorder mentioned in the chapter.
Back to the chapter, what can I say? The last two were a little difficult cuz I admit I argued with Anya a little lol.
Do you think she will decide to stay with Josuke and accept the legacy of the katana? If so, that will be a journey 😂
Or maybe will she start running away again? I think that this is the true crucial point in her character development. She needs to figure out where she wants to go with her life.
And I can't wait for her to reunite with the Winter Soldier hehe
I guess we'll see.
Take care babes❤️
Juls xx