TW: mentions of puke. Eating disorder.
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Txt's holiday vacation came sooner than any of them expected, they weren't complaining tough. They all planned to travel home to their families but some plans didn't go as expected.
Soobin, Taehyun, and Yeonjun packed and left...Taehyun skipped joyfully but Beomgyu and Kai were left behind. They weren't all leaving together since their families lived in different cities. Kai and Beomgyu were supposed to catch a train to their hometown the day after the other three left but a snowstorm came making it impossible for them to leave. They spent their time inside the dorm, both of them in their rooms only coming out for food due to the low temperature. They just wanted to lay in bed and cuddle their thick blankets.
It took quite a while for the roads and railroads to be cleared, enough time for their trip to be pointless, they wouldn't spend as much time as they wanted in their homes, so they decided to spend their break in the dorms.
Beomgyu often went out with friends eating and hanging out in their homes instead of the dorm. Why spend your holiday vacation in the same dorm you live in the whole year?
Kai was taking the ruined trip home the hardest feeling lonely now that Beomgyu found things to entertain himself with. It's not like Kai didn't have friends to spend time with, it was just that they had left the city on their own breaks.
He sometimes went out alone trying to enjoy a coffee or a movie but he ended up imagining his bandmates laughing around him, having fun with him, it wasn't the same so he ended up going back to the empty dorm.
Now, he spent his days cleaning as much as he could, he made sure to assign a task for at least the whole week. One day for cleaning windows, another for the kitchen, another for his room, and so on. He played music while doing the tasks he assigned for himself, it took his mind off his loneliness.
He cleaned, lay in bed, and watched videos all day not bothering to do anything else. He didn't take care of himself properly, it became too much work for him. Just thinking about getting up to brush his teeth in the morning made him not want to get up. He got too distracted and passed hours without eating, "I prefer to starve than to cook something right now," he thought feeling lazy. By the time the food would be ready he would have grown angry and leave it where he made it untouched.
"Kai! How's your vacation at the dorms going?" Yeonjun said from the video call.
"It's going...ok"
"Ok?" Yeonjun questioned from the other side of the line "What's up?"
"No, nothing. I'm just bored out of my mind."
"Really? Where's Beomgyu?"
"He's out with friends, probably eating." Kai's sad smile didn't go unnoticed by the eldest. "And...I miss you guys a lot." He wanted to tell Yeonjun more but he couldn't bring himself to say anything else.
"Hey, it's ok. We'll be there sooner than you think and when we get there I'll make sure to take you out and eat something, yeah?"
"Ok hyung." Kai smiled, this time a bit happier.
Once the call ended Kai felt more energetic, he felt motivated, "I want to do something different today," he thought. And so he decided to go grocery shopping.
That's how he found himself in the current situation, empty yogurt containers surrounded him. How many? A lot. His energy drained all of a sudden.
His mind wandered to the grape jam he'd bought earlier, the frozen pizza, the strawberries, and the ice cream in the fridge. It had been long since he had any of those but, which one did he want to eat specifically?
Why did he have to choose one when he had them all just feet away?
He walked over to the fridge taking out anything sweet he saw and putting it on the kitchen table. Once he grabbed the things he wanted to have he took a spoon and sat in front of everything he'd gathered.
He opened the grape jam and ate a spoonful. It was too sweet, moments like this were when he was reminded why people put so little amount of jam on their toast in the movies. He then took the cookies he brought and crushed them all pouring them into the jar of jam. He combined them well and started eating his mix quickly. Once he finished, he moved on to the pint of caramel ice cream and started shoveling through it, finishing it quicker than he expected.
He sat there in silence, thinking. What had he done? He ate too much.
He tried not to think about it much but whenever he ignored everything that was wrong with him it made it worse. Every night a vicious cycle of frustration repeated itself, his head hit the pillow, his eyes shut, his body ready to recover some energy but his mind decided otherwise. Thoughts flooded his head of anything and everything. His tired body worked all day but when the time for his well-deserved rest came it was like a switch was flipped in his mind. Think! Think! Did you say thank you to the man that gifted you a flower the other day? Did you smile at the woman that helped you on the cash register? You didn't did you? Are you becoming uneducated? Don't tell me you are.
Shut up! Stop it! Stop thinking right now.
He decided that tonight was different, he didn't want to be alone, he didn't want to spend another sleepless night alone in his room.
With a plan set on his mind, he stood up and headed to Beomgyu's room going in without knocking. Beomgyu was sleeping in his bed, his head facing the wall, his left arm folded to his side, and his right arm stretched across the bed.
Kai didn't waste any more time and quietly went over to the bed. He thought for a while doubting his decision but it all went away when he heard Beomgyu snore.
Kai climbed into his bandmate's bed snuggling into his side.
Kai hugged Beomgyu needing comfort and the oldest put his arm around him while still keeping his eyes closed. Kai hugged him tighter "Hmm?" Beomgyu asked groggily "What's wrong?"
Kai keeps quiet and just snuggles into his chest.
Kai clutches Beomgyu's free hand and brings it up to his chest holding it there, his friend was right there with him. Beomgyu ran his thumb over Kai's knuckles softly not sure what was going on but not questioning it either. Whatever it was, he was sure his friend would tell him the next morning.
They both ended up falling asleep eventually, soft puffs of air escaped Beomgyu's mouth while Kai just lay there.
Later that night, Kai's stomach gurgled alerting of its discomfort but it went unnoticed by the sleeping boys. Not even minutes later his stomach growled louder this time more urgently and it made Kai startle. A strong pain invaded his stomach and he could feel the food he binged earlier fight its way up his throat. Everything happened faster than his brain could process.
He quickly leaned to the side of the bed and gagged, nothing came out. The second gag came with full force, his body jerking forward, bile falling to the floor. Spreading all over the carpet. Kai clutched his stomach.
Beomgyu startled awake at the sound of his friend's gags, his eyes wide open in surprise. Once he saw what was happening he tried comforting his bandmate. A large amount of chunky bile was piled-up beside Kai's side of the bed, some things not digested properly yet.
Eventually, Kai gags but nothing comes out and he's only left hugging Beomgyu while sobbing in despair clutching onto him like a koala while Beomgyu pats his head softly. "Kai."
"Hyung-" he gasped in between sobs "I feel so alone" Beomgyu kept quiet "You're never home and when the others call I can't say what I want to. I tried doing things here and going out by myself but I always end up feeling lonely." Beomgyu hadn't thought about it. Yeah, his trip hadn't been possible but so did Kai's.
He left Kai alone in the dorm he spent the whole year in.
~~
"Dinner's ready!!" Beomgyu shouted from the kitchen.
A cheesy smell filled the dorms, it made Kai's stomach grumble.
He made his way to the kitchen hugging Beomgyu from behind as soon as he spotted him. Beomgyu was mixing a meat sauce he made in some spaghetti. "I made pasta, I hope you like it."
Beomgyu leaned onto Kai for a moment basking in the skinship the other offered. "Come on, let's eat."
"Mhm," Kai moved and sat on one of the stools that were close waiting for his hyung to serve him too lazy to do it himself. It made Beomyu scoff in fake annoyance, he served the maknae anyways.
They both sat at the table with their full plates, ready to start eating.
"So," Beomgyu started "Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah, I'm feeling ok."
"Hmm, ok." An awkward silence fell upon them. Beomgyu wanted to question him more on what had happened the night before. They had spent the whole day normally but Beomgyu knew Kai didn't feel ok, he wasn't happy and part of it was his fault. He was careless with the maknae.
"Want to talk about what happened last night?"
Their eyes met for a split second, did Kai want to talk about it? Beomgyu wanted to know that too.
"Not right now, no."
"That's ok, we can talk about it later but please," even if Kai wasn't looking at him anymore Beomgyu kept what once was eye contact "let's talk today, or tomorrow if you want. I respect that you don't want to talk right now but it's important that I know what's going on...I'm worried"
"Mhm" Kai didn't say anymore and Beomgyu was ok with that. He didn't have to physically say "yes" for the oldest to know that he was listening.
Kai stared at the plate, fiddling with the spaghetti while debating if he should eat it or not. He ate so much yesterday that his body couldn't take it and it made sure to get rid of most of it on its own. He should still have enough nutrients for the day, right?
"Kai? Everything ok?" Beomgyu asked after observing his friend stare at the plate for so long.
"Yeah"
Kai took a bite of the pasta Beomgyu had made. He felt guilty for eating something after he had eaten so much earlier. Why couldn't he just not?
Kai's eyes started watering, he hid his head convinced that he shouldn't show Beomgyu. He felt uncomfortable crying in front of people close to him, it made him mad at himself but in the end...his walls came crashing down and he cried. He cried more than all the times he was alone, more than ever.
He could cry in front of Beomgyu, he could trust him. Why did he have to feel uncomfortable in front of him? He didn't have to.
Kai's hands were shaking, the fork that he held falling to the table, his tears escalating to sobs. "No, no."
"Hey, it's okay" Beomgyu made sure Kai looked at him even for just a second "What's going on?"
"I can't"
"You can't?"
"No I can't" Kai desperately said. "I don't want it," he glanced at the full plate, Beomgyu followed his gaze.
"We can eat later."
Kai pushed all of his thoughts away for a moment and looked at Beomgyu, worry laced his brows.
"I'm sorry," he said desperately wiping his nose and hiding his face with his hands feeling embarrassed.
"What are you sorry for? Don't apologize." Beomgyu softly said. They both fell into a comforting silence.
Kai didn't say anymore after that, they both basked in the afternoon sun while they cuddled on the couch.
They could talk later...they would talk later.
~~
Kai didn't have his dinner and Beomgyu didn't pressure him, they agreed to go to bed and talk in the morning once they were both calm. Beomgyu had started crying when he failed to comfort his youngest bandmate. He didn't have a solution, mostly because he didn't know what was going on and Kai didn't expect him to.
Beomgyu was now sleeping on Kai's bed beside him, snoring lightly but Kai didn't plan on sleeping, he had to figure out what was wrong with him and made it his mission to investigate. He had his suspicions but he couldn't bring himself to validate them.
He spent the night on his computer searching various sites for any useful information and after some hours he found himself on an anonymous eating disorder blog. Many people commented on it sharing their experiences, things Kai had heard before. He wasn't particularly interested in any of them but there was one comment that caught his eye.
"I want to get better but I don't want to tell anyone. What can I do? Why do I feel like this? I'm so frustrated." It said.
He related to this, he wanted to tell the others, or at least Beomgyu, what was going on. He wanted Beomgyu to help him figure this out, it was scary doing it alone.
Kai started typing, deciding that if he couldn't help himself he might as well share what he thought and it could help others, even if they just related to what he had to say. Maybe they would find comfort in his words.
"It's shame, that's the main factor. You don't tell the ones who are close to you because you're ashamed of yourself but in the end, there's no other way out if you want to get better and you know it. I know it. I feel the same way but what am I supposed to do when I can't even speak for myself? Whenever I imagine telling them that I'm struggling and need help the words get caught up in my throat, and shame overpowers my will to get better. It's not that bad, I think, but is it? I've had alarming thoughts, I know it, I choose to ignore rather than accept that it's getting worse each passing day. And it sucks, after just eating anything, no matter what it is, if it makes me feel guilty my mind wanders to the bathroom, should I go throw it up? That would undo my mistake.
The only thing that stops me is fear, I haven't done it before and I'm scared that if I do it once I won't be able to stop.
Yes, I want to stop starving myself but some days I don't, I want to keep doing it so I don't change from what I am right now. I'm me, but I'm not. I know this is bad, it makes me feel like trash but that's ok with me. At least sometimes." Kai replied.
Just because he empathized with someone didn't mean he had anything, he was just sharing what he thought and that was it. Right? Yeah.
~~~
03/05/2022