Listen To: "Circles" by Post Malone.
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I sit at the small round table at the coffee shop and I'm pretty sure I'm going to vomit. Ae and I woke up early, headed back to the house with the moving company and helped pack up the last of the remnants of my life here in LA. 3/4 of the boxes get donated and the rest are packed up and mailed out to Seoul. The furniture all stays, as it was included in the sale of the house. I leave the keys on the kitchen counter for Sarah and walk out of the house without even second look back.
Now, I'm sitting in this coffee shop, waiting to see my mother for the first time in 18 years. This is the last thing I need to do before flying out tomorrow morning and it's the thing I'm dreading the most but it needs to be done. I need to see her and tell her how I feel; let go of this resentment and pain that I've carried my whole life. I sip on my coffee and it only makes me feel worse.
I hear my phone ring and I look down to see Yoongi is calling. I smile and slide my finger on the screen to answer.
"I miss you so much," I say, forgoing hello's.
"How much longer until you come home?" He asks in a whiny tone.
"Well, I'm leaving here in 16 hours, and the flight is around 14 hours so..." I tell him.
"30 hours is way too long still," he adds and I can hear him pouting.
"How was your day?" I ask him.
"It was good. I'm just so tired, we've been going non-stop for the last almost 2 weeks," he tells me.
"I know, I feel like I haven't seen you in so long," I say softly. In all actually, It feels like it's been forever since I've seen them, spent any time with them, touched them; felt their hands or lips on me. I let out a sigh.
"I won't be able to keep my hands off of you when you get home," he says, his voice low and raspy.
"Mmmmmmmm," I let out a breathy sigh.
"You can't do that," he tells me.
"Do what?" I ask him, confused.
"Make that sound. That sound makes me feel things," he mumbles and I let out a quite laugh.
"Okay, i'm sorry," I tell him in between giggles.
"You waiting?" He asks me.
"Yeah, any minute now," I tell him and my nerves start to creep back up.
"You got this baby. I believe in you," he tells me.
"What if I can't do it? What if I can't tell her how I really feel?" I say to him.
"You can. You will. She deserves to know how she made you feel. You deserve closure, baby" he reassures me.
"I wish you were here," I tell him.
"I wish I was there too but just hold my words in your mind; you're strong and you're worthy. I love you. I will always love you,"
I hear the ding to alert the door to the shop has been opened. I look up and see her. Time has been unkind to the once beautiful woman I once knew. Her face is riddled with lines that age her drastically; product of her affair with drugs, I'm sure. But her eyes are the same; the same hazel-green orbs that mirror mine.
"She's here," I say into the phone.
"I love you Eleanor. Call me if you need me," he tells me. I can't say anything as she starts to make her way toward me. I hang up the phone and just stare at her as she reaches my table and stands before me.
"Eleanor? Darling, hi," she says to me.
"Hi," I finally let out. She stays standing and I'm wondering if she's expecting me to hug her. "Please, have a seat," I tell her as I motion to the chair in front of me. She pulls the chair out and sits down.
"How are you? How has your trip been?" She asks me.
"I'm good. My trip has been good. I've done everything I came to do so I'll be flying back home tomorrow," I tell her as I take a sip from my latte.
"You're leaving so soon?" She asks, a worried look flashes across her face.
"Yes. I only came to finalize the sale of my house, get rid of my things and meet with my agent," I say to her.
"Oh, I see" she responds.
"How are you? Are you still in LA? Are you clean?" I ask her as I take a drink from my coffee, letting my curiosity get the better of me.
"I'm still in LA. I'm okay. Trying hard to get clean. Everything is just so expensive, you know" she says as she looks at me.
"Are you working?" I ask.
"No. I've been trying to find a job but it's hard when I'm just going from shelter to shelter and don't have a stable address," she informs me and my chest tightens with sadness at information that she is still unstable and in a shelter.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," I say, trying my hardest to not let my emotions take over.
"If I could just find a way out, a step in the right direction, that would make life so much simpler," she tells me with a weird look.
"It's how life goes. We all have to fight and work hard to get to where we want to be. Nothing in life is handed to us; some of us learn that in more difficult ways than others," I tell her. She let's out a sigh.
"So you're moving for good?" She asks.
"Yes," I tell her.
"What has made you want to move? Just your job?" She continues.
"Yes, my job. I have a life there," I tell her.
"Is there a man that is also a deciding factor?' She pries.
"I don't think that that is any of your business," I respond, offended that she would dare even ask about my personal life and my relationships.
"Eleanor, don't let yourself get swept away in a whirlwind relationship. You'll regret it. I've been there, please trust me my dear," she tells me as she extends her hand to lay on my arm. I pull away from her touch.
"Trust you? Please, don't. You know nothing about me or my relationships or my life. The way I've chosen to live it and where I decide to live is none of your concern. I won't trust or take advice from someone who couldn't even do the bare minimum for their own child," I say to her. She looks at me and it's like she can't believe that I stood up for myself.
"Eleanor, I did the best I could," she says to me and I nearly lose it.
"You seriously believe that? You believe that laying on the couch, with needles hanging from your arms, unconscious, while your child had to figure out how to feed herself and get through daily life alone, was 'the best you could' ?" I ask her sarcastically.
"I wasn't in my right mind. I tried to quit but I was just in such a difficult headspace. I didn't know how else to cope," she tells me.
"Do you know what I hear from everything you just said? I. You have made my trauma from growing up with an addict all about you. Are you wanting pity from me? Because it's just not going to happen," I tell her calmly. "You know what else? From the first moment you called me, until right now as you sit in front of me, you haven't said the one thing that could have maybe helped aide this situation and that is 'I'm Sorry'", I continue. "But it must be hard to apologize for something when you actually don't feel any remorse over them. I am not you though, so I will say this; I'm sorry. I'm sorry that addiction took over your life. I'm sorry that you were in a relationship that left you so shattered and broken that you needed drugs to escape the realities you were facing. I'm sorry that you weren't able to get the help you so desperately needed. I'm sorry I wasn't enough to make you turn your life around; to make you see that it didn't have to be so bad. I'm sorry, because if any of those things would have been different, this relationship could have been as well," I say to her.
"Eleanor, I—" she starts.
"No, it's fine. Don't say anything now. Because despite everything, I think I turned out to be okay. I'm successful and work so hard for everything I've accomplished. I'm loved and appreciated. I'm respected and valued. So, I just wanted to meet with you to tell you that; that even though you couldn't be there for me, couldn't be the mother I so desperately needed, it's okay because I have a family. I'm deeply and irrevocably in love; something that I have had to learn to allow into my life every day because I don't ever feel worthy of love. I have plans of having a family; children of my own. Because in spite of what I went through, I think I'll be a great mother and I will love my children more than anything else in this world," I say.
"I—" she stammers.
"At the end of the day, I'm empathetic to you and your situation. I can't imagine what being an addict must be like; from what I've seen and heard, it's one of the hardest things to overcome. I wish I could have done more for you, but I was just a child. I wish life could have been different, for you. Not for me though, no matter how much hardship I went through, I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't gone through those things and I wouldn't trade where I am now for anything in the world," I say to her.
"Wow," she mumbles.
"I had to go halfway around the world to find what I always wanted; what i've always needed. To find love and acceptance. I've found someone that loves me in a way I didn't know was possible. And the funniest part is, I'm not even referring to a romantic love. No, in the midst of finding my romantic loves I found the unexpected—a motherly love," I say to her as tears begin to well in my eyes and all I can think about is Mrs. Min and Mrs. Kim. While my relationship with Mrs. Kim isn't great yet, she still accepts me and respects me.
"I met an incredible woman who after only knowing her for a few hours, held my hands and listened to me cry about my insecurities and fears. I met a mother who took me in her arms and hugged me and told me that she could help mend my broken heart and teach me how a mother is supposed to love. She owes me nothing. She's my boyfriend's mother, she doesn't need to do anything for me but she does. She goes above and beyond for me and most of all, she loves me; unconditionally. She supports me, gives me advice, and listens." I say to her as I wipe the tears that are streaming down my face.
"She has shown me what being a mother should be and I'm so thankful that it took me moving, leaving everything I've ever known behind, to find her. I'm thankful to her son, for loving me and wanting me to be a part of his family; willing to share his beautiful mother with me. I am thankful that my future children will never have to carry the burdens and traumas that I did because I'm going to give them a life so full of love that they will never have to question whether or not their mother loves them, and it will all be because of this woman who has shown me how to love and be loved," I finish. After a few moments of silence and cleaning my face with my napkin, I look up at her.
"I'm happy for you Eleanor. I truly am," she says to me, her tone strange; sarcastic almost?
"Thank you," I say to her.
"So, you're leaving tomorrow?" She asks.
"Yeah," I tell her, letting her ask me whatever she wants since I feel better about being able to share how I feel.
"You know how you said you wished you could have done something for me, but you couldn't because you were just a child?" She tells me.
"Yes," I say.
"Well, you could help me now?" She says to me. I furrow my brows, unable to comprehend what she could possibly ask of me. "I need help Ella Bella," she continues.
"What could I possibly help you with?" I tell her, completely confused as to what she could possibly need or want from me.
"I just need some money. I just need help to get on my feet," she says as she twists her fingers in her hands.
I can't help but feel completely and utterly caught off guard. Everyone was right. She didn't care about me, just only cared about what she could get from me.
"So much for loving me and wanting a relationship," I say to her with a laugh as I drink from my cup.
"But I do love you Eleanor," she says with an exacerbated tone.
"If you loved me, your questions about me wouldn't be about my job, my success or my societal standing. If you loved me, the first thing you would have done was apologize to me and asked me about my life, not done a google search that you only latched onto tabloid fodder about for information that would help you get whatever it was that you needed from me," I express. She looks at me, mouth hanging open like can't believe what I'm saying.
"But, again, thankfully, regardless of it all, I'm not you. So, I'll help you; but I will not hand you a check. I dream of a day that you and I could possibly have a relationship but right now, that's not happening. You need to get clean. You need help so, this is my offer to you. I will pay for you to go to rehab. Go. If you love me and you want to have me in your life, just go. Please. I'm begging you. Don't worry about anything except for getting clean. And once you're done, I'll pay for an apartment for you to live in so that you can find a job and live a better life. If this is truly what you want, if you truly love me, take this. While I can't tell you the words, this is my way of showing you that after everything you put me through, after all the hurt and pain you've caused me, after all the trauma you've casted in my life, I still want what's best for you," I tell her.
She looks at me and there is no way to distinguish what it is she's thinking. I don't know her well enough to know the nuances of her face; the way the lines in her forehead crinkle together or how the corners of her mouth turn down.
"Eleanor, that's a very generous offer but right now, I just really need the money—" she starts and I stop her.
"I'm sorry. I can't hand you money when you've already admitted to me that you're not clean. If you really wanted to get clean, if you wanted a relationship with me, there isn't a single reason why a 'but' should be added into your statement. I've offered you something huge, not just monetarily. I offered you me; your child, who was willing to start over, give you a chance at a better life, a second chance at a relationship that you already proved to me didn't matter to you in the first place. There isn't a single reason why you wouldn't be able to do this if you truly loved me and wanted to have me in your life," I say to her as I stand up and grab my bag.
"Once again, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never was and seemingly never will be good enough for you," I say, my voice cracking and the tears break through again as I turn around and walk away; refusing to let her see me weak. I run out the door, across the street and into the car. I let myself cry for a few moments and then try and pull myself together. I turn on the ignition and start driving, not knowing where the hell I'm even going. I turn on the radio and can't help crying again when I listen to the music coming through the speaker;
"Maybe you don't understand what I'm going through;
It's only me.
What you got to lose?
Make up your mind, tell me.
What are you gonna do?
It's only me.
Let it go.
Seasons change and our love went cold.
Feed the flame 'cause we can't let it go.
Run away, but we're running in circles.
Run away, run away.
I dare you to do something,
I'm waiting on you again,
So I don't take the blame.
Run away, but we're running in circles.
Run away, run away, run away..."
I wish— I just wish I was enough but I just never seem to be enough.