Samantha
Ashton texted me later at night while he was at work.
'Can't wait to cuddle you tonight.'
My heart squeezed for a fraction of a second. Can't wait to cuddle you tonight. He wanted to cuddle me? I could punch a wall. No, a pillow. I shoved my face into a pillow. Ugh.
I lit up a blueberry flavored joint and sat on the edge of my bed. The smoke swirled around the neon pink and purple lights like a gray cloudy snake. Low, rhythmic music danced with it. I checked one notification after another. New likes and comments. Responded to them.
So much to do. The photoshoot Kevin offered in Malibu was a high-end hotel. It cost over a thousand dollars a night with an oceanfront view and a turquoise pool. The only downside? I was going to be on my period this weekend. Bloated, uncomfortable, in pain.
Soon, my brain stretched into a mellow slow-motion, yet my mind continued to race. It was like a nightmare of running from a villain with your legs underwater. Why did I do this to myself? Smoking to relax was always an illusion. It didn't actually help.
But I guess it was easier to focus on anxiety induced from weed instead of my actual problems. Like the fact that I humiliated Ashton and myself at his parents last weekend. The image of wailing on my knees with all the guests standing over me made me wince. The look on Ashton's face, the silent pity, the horror. I couldn't shake it.
The worst part was that it was only half of it. The thoughts haunting my head were far worse than a meltdown. The way my brain flipped like a light switch when that closet door closed. Stacy's voice on the other side. That condescending, humored, calm tone. The stench of rotten meat that wasn't actually there. The illusion that I was little again, back at home.
I shook my head for the millionth time, and texted back Ashton. "Ha ha. You pervert."
"How am I a pervert? I just said I want to cuddle you."
"Code for acts of perversion, you pervert."
"Wow. Okay." He texted again. "Are you going to wait up for me?"
"No promises."
"It's okay. I'll wake you up."
I scoffed. Point proven. Not that it bothered me, not really.
Out of all the pajama options I had, I opted for cute with a hint of sexy, at least in my opinion. It was a fleece crop top with thin straps and boy shorts. Soft white. Kind of like a bunny, as Ashton liked to call me. Whatever! Plus it was thick enough to skip a bra without being too obvious.
I changed my bedsheets and aired out the room, left a few string lights on, and slid under the cool white cotton. For two hours, I consumed crap on TikTok like a crack addict. If you asked me what I watched, I wouldn't even know.
Ashton came home around 4. The adrenaline of him slowly opening my door killed any lingering traces of sleepiness out of my system. He was freshly showered, hair darker and damp.
"Oh, you're awake." He chuckled, a little embarrassed.
I stayed casual, hands under my cheek as I laid on my side under the sheets. "Duh."
"Miss me?"
I shook my head with a contradicting smile. He closed the door behind him and looked at me across the room, his eyes raking over me with a sigh.
"Did you change your mind?" I sat up on my elbows, tilting my head at his unusual nervousness. Then it hit me and I gasped. "Do you fart in your sleep?"
"What?" He burst out laughing breathlessly, dimples so deep and charming. "No! Why would you think that?"
"Then why are you so..." I tried not to tease, but it was so hard.
With another sigh, he approached my bed. I expected him to take off his gray sweats and shirt, like a strip show with his signature smirk, but no. He slid under the sheets, shuffled to take off his sweats, discarding them on the floor. Then he lied on his back, folding his arms behind his head.
He stared at the ceiling as if I wasn't even here. I didn't know what else to do except laugh.
He closed his eyes, lips tugging in the corners, then softly he blinked his eyes open and looked at me.
"What's going on?" I smiled, curled next to him.
"Nothing. Just thinking."
"About what?"
"Just stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
He seemed to contemplate something in his head, then stretched his arm out to me. "Come here."
My pulse leaped at his offer to cuddle up to him, but I tried to play cool and quietly scooted closer. His body was so much bigger and stiffer than mine, but in an inviting, almost comforting way.
I kept my hair over my face as much as possible, and my hand over my mouth, hoping to God the lights were dark enough so I didn't look too scary without makeup on.
"Are you okay?" he murmured. Both of his arms wrapped around me like a soft blanket. He brushed his palms up my arm and back, and I melted into a puddle of goo.
"You're so ridiculously comfortable..." My throat tightened. I buried my face deeper into his chest, right on the squishy part by his armpit, kind of wishing he didn't have a shirt on.
My leg lifted over his hip, needing to curve my body for a more natural position. It caused my knee to accidentally brush over his thick boner and my eyes widened.
I looked up at him and he chuckled, breaking eye-contact.
"Sorry... I can't help it."
"You perv."
"You're hot!"
"Yeah, right." I rolled my eyes, smiling like an idiot.
As if to prove his point, he cupped my ass. It was like he didn't want to stop touching it though. He squeezed it, traced random shapes, palmed as much as possible, groaned like he couldn't take how good it felt.
"Do you mind?" I asked after a while.
"No. Not at all."
I snorted. Well, it's not like we were going to sleep anytime soon. Before I could get scared and change my mind, I swung my leg over and straddled his lap. My hands ended on each side of his head. I laughed as quietly as I could. Gosh, this was so embarrassing.
"What are you doing?" His question was soft, amused at my own amusement.
"Nothing." With a smile, I kissed him. His lips, smooth like silk, with his harsh stubble, quickly erased all traces of humor. The masculine scent, the warmth radiating off of him, the way my thighs spread over his trim torso and his hands held my waist like it was the smallest thing, I lost myself in him.
He kissed down my jawline and I tilted my face toward the headboard, trying to slow down my breathing when he moved his mouth to my neck. Slow, wet, his tongue traced like he knew exactly where I was most sensitive. Goosebumps spread down my back, making my hips lower on his lap.
I kissed him to muffle my moan, shamelessly rocking up and down his length. His hands on my hips tightened, like he was mad, and it shriveled me even more, turning me erratic. He slid from my back between my legs, pushing two fingers directly over my slit. I broke away to gasp, but he didn't miss a beat, easily kissing my neck again.
"I love the little sounds you make," he whispered. That mocking cockiness was back, making my head all fuzzy. "I love when you can't help yourself because of how badly you want it."
My skin boiled a hundred degrees higher, but all I could do was stare. He looked so handsome with the dim lights on his calm, dark features.
"What do you want, baby?" he asked, crooned almost. Again, that soft voice tightened my throat, made me feel so small I wanted to hide.
I want you to stop being so nice to me. Stop making me fall for you. Stop making me so needy.
"You okay?" he cupped my face, brushing his thumb over my cheek. "Hey..."
I kissed him, shutting my eyes tight to wipe away the emotions. I tried to focus on his boner, focus on how horny I was, not the way my heart was being torn open, asking to be in his hands.
"Ugh." I gave up, dropping my face in the crook of his neck. My chest heaved up and down on top of his. I was lying down on him, my thighs on each side of his lap. "Sorry."
"For what?" He rubbed his hand up and down my back. "Hm? Why are you sorry?"
"For not being sexy... I should be bouncing on your thingie right now."
"Oh wow. My thingie. That's so sexy."
I snorted, then chuckled at myself for snorting on him, then laughed uncontrollably.
Ashton took a deep, tired breath. "This is great."
I was shaking at this point. "Hottest foreplay in the world?"
"I didn't want to tell you, but I already came."
"Oh, yeah? Was it by any chance my dirty talk?"
"You mean when you called my cock a thingie? Yeah. That did it."
He chuckled as I continued to laugh, at some point I relaxed from the earlier panic and nestled into his chest. Sleep washed over me ever so slightly and my eyes closed at his warmth.
"Go to sleep," he whispered, kissing the top of my head. "You crazy ass."
"You're still a perv," I mumbled with a smile, too comfortable to move. "I bet you hate me for ruining the mood, don't you?"
"Not at all." He kissed my head again, tightening his arms around me as if to ensure me I was safe to stay.
"Really?" Why the hell was he so freakin' sweet to me?
"Yeah, baby. Relax. I'm happy to just have you in my arms. Okay? You have nothing to worry about. Go to sleep."
I held my breath for as long as I could, afraid he'd hear me sniffle or sob. My hand tightened into a fist on his shirt as I forced myself to be strong. If only I could let myself believe he was telling the truth.
~A/N~
Bittersweet, eh? Maybe a little bit of progress, though?