tw: use of derogatory word used towards oneself (sl*t)
...
tommy you hung up??
wait that means i won
but why? why did you leave?
is everything alright?
i feel like i should be bragging
about my victory but i'm really
worried right now
please tell me everything's okay?
shit was it me?
i hope i didn't make you uncomfortable or anything
i'm sorry istg i dont know what
happened so please text me back
as soon as possible
...i hope you're not dead in a ditch
*sent 30 minutes ago*
...
There was still no sign, no text, no call from Tommy. Nothing. She was beginning to expect the worse like he was mugged. Pushing aside her anxiety, she tried to remain calm for his sake.
Maybe his phone died? But that wouldn't make sense either because he was charging it earlier.
The only solid conclusion she can come up with is that she either pissed him off enough to hang up, or he died. Maybe a bit extreme, but her mind operates in mysterious ways. Although he did sound mad earlier when she talked about him being her wingman... and maybe talking with Alphonso, the man from the bakery, he couldn't have been mad because of that, right?
She hits her forehead, mumbling, "Stupid stupid stupid. I'm so fucking stupid." She wasn't flirting with Alphonso, was she? At least she didn't mean to. Is that what Tommy thought—that she was flirting? In that case, why would it upset him? Unless...
NO, her mind interjects, YOU ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID. HE WOULD NEVER LIKE YOU.
Ouch, brain.
She numbly scrolls through their past texts looking for any incriminating evidence of her suspicion. Of course, she finds nothing—he would never like a slut—his messages have been the same since the beginning, maybe even more sincere. There's no reason someone as good as him would love someone as unworthy as you. She throws her arms around her head and pleads for her mind to STOP IT! DON'T THINK LIKE THAT! Then, you've upset him. He probably never wants to speak to you again. Pathetic. Her eyes fill with tears, eventually cascading down her cheeks. Why could she never be at peace with herself? She really needs to get professional help.
The ache in her heart intensifies as her phone eventually buzzes.
...
I'm sorry
I didn't expect you to
worry about me
And no, I'm not mad at you
...
She hesitates. How can she talk to him in this state? Broken down and sobbing. No, how is she supposed to speak to him ever again when her feelings don't permit it? She's a mess. Unlovable. She wishes it weren't so.
Grasping her chest, she knows what has to be done, or else she might just end up hurting the boy she fell for (she'll later have it realize it'll hurt them either way).
...
i'm sorry tommy
but i don't think i can
talk to you
Wait did I screw up
that bad??
Is it the call?
Are you joking? I can't
tell if this is a joke
I didn't mean to ghost
you like that
I'm sorry
Can we please forget this
happened?
it's not you're fault, it's mine
i can't talk to you when i...
feel like this
What do you mean?
I realy feel like i did
somehting wrong here
you didn't, and i'm sorry
Can you please help
me understand
i wish i could better
understand it myself
Do you hate me?
i could never hate
you tommy
Well Im starting to
hate myself
tom.
stop it.
I always end up hurting
people and now ive hurt
you and i cant do anything
rigjt
You dont want to talk to
me anymoer because im
a horrible perosn right?
TOM
STOP IT!
YOURE NOT A BAD PERSON
I DON'T HATE YOU!!
Then how do you feel?
stop
If you dont hate me
then how do you really
feel?
holy shit
DAIYU
i dont know what youre
asking from me
Yes you do.
You said you cant tlak to
me when you feel a certain
way.
What is that?
don't make me say it.
I want to hear it.
it doesnt feel right
What do you mean
to say it over text
Then call me
I'll call you
...
WHy aren't you answering?
because i dont want
you to hear me cry
You dont think Im
also crying?
you shouldnt be
Who the hell are you
to say that i shoudnt!?
tommy i really dont
want to fight
Well you ducking started it
i didnt mean to!!
i just cant speak at
this moment
why the fuck cant you
understand that?
I think I'm understanding
perfectly well
no you obviously aren't
Okay then maybe help
me understand??
tommy it's complicated
You cant just say that
and think you dont owe
me an explanation
i can and i will
because you know why?
it's my own fucking
business, okay?
Im sorry Daiyu
I just wanted hear why
you cant talk to me rigjt
now
But im just being a massive
dick to you
you say "hear" as if you can
hear me in person. which you
can't and thats what separates us:
this distance. im sorry for hurting
you and i shoudlve stopped this
sooner
i wish we didnt meet over text
THEN I WILL FLY MY
ASS OVER TO MALAYSIA
I WANT TO MEET YOU!!
you dont have a visa tommy
SO??
then you cant fly yourself
over here dumbass
don't be ridiculous
Well there has to
be some way?
there is
What is it?
well i'd been meaning to
keep it a surprise but...
i've been working on my visa
Wait what
Youre getting a visa?
it's in the process
i will probably have it
early next month
What does this mean?
uh that i can visit another
country? YOUR country to
be exact
your skull is rather dense
NO. I meant what made
you want to get it without
telling me?
tommy, stop asking
stupid questions
it's because i also
want to meet you
Really?
of course i do wtf did you
think i was just going to
chat with you for MONTHS
on end and not want to
meet you??
I guess Im a dumbass
we're both dumbasses
So uh...
Hey I'm sorry for trying
to force you to tell me your personal shit. That wasnt
cool of me and Im really
sorry about it. Youre definitely
in the right to be mad at me
for it, and it's only been like
a minute since so...
tommy
I understand you don't
want to talk to me at this
moment but please dont
let it be forever?
thank you
your apology is accepted
and i do need to take a break
from everything in general
its not because i'm mad at
you, i just need some time
Okay
okay?
Well we're going to
meet eventually so I can
wait for now
haha you'll wait you me?
Yes, always
...
She feels her heart crack.
He feels a forever feeling blossom in his chest.
...
then wait for me please