"No Ashwin please, I don't want to" Sivaangi whined leaning against his shoulder.
"Please da ma, purinjiko, he is leaving to Boston next week and won't be back for a month, and we are leaving to Bali in two days and won't be back for a week, so if not now then we need to wait for more than a month and he feels leaving such a huge gap between sessions is not advisable" Ashwin replied while rubbing her shoulder convincingly.
"What is the guarantee that I will remember everything in this session? apporam anyways we have to wait for one more month right" she argued.
"Well, he says he is going to try something new this time and confident that he can make you remember everything, we can only trust ma, we won't know what will happen unless we try it" he too argued back relentlessly.
"What if I don't want to know what happened? I am happy where we are now Ashwin and I don't want anything that happened in my past to interfere our life now please" she said with tear filled eyes.
He turned her completely to face him.
"As a husband it is tempting, but as medical professional I know that it will always be a knife hanging over our head waiting to fall anytime, do you really want to find things the hard way, trust me, you are going to, as the process of healing had already started the moment you agreed for the treatment, so it is just a matter of time that it is all going to come back and I prefer it happens in a controlled environment rather out of the blue creating more confusions" he replied looking into her eyes stubbornly.
"But what if you end up hating me after hearing the whole truth? I mean it should be something bad right for me to forget and not wanting to remember it, what if it is something worst that you will not want to even look at my face again, venaam Ashwinetta please" she pleaded with the same stubbornness, trying to convince him with his favorite phrase
The word did do its magic that his face changed almost like he was getting ready to fall for the trap but the distraction was just for a second, he shook his head and cleared it. He moved closer to her and took her face in his palms.
"Not wanting to look at your face ah? unakku enga irundhu idhellaam thonudhu? unnala mattum dhaan ippadi ellaam yosikka mudiyum theriyuma, ippo I give you a promise, regardless of what happens during the session, it will not have any impact on me and even if it has some impact on you, I will make sure to fight for both of us and make sure it will not affect our marriage, podhuma? " he asked hitting her forehead with his.
She stayed in the same position, eyes closed for sometime, then let out a huge sigh of relief.
"Okay Ashwin I trust you, but Bali mattum edhavadhu aachuuu.... mavane, kola panniduven" she said snuggling into his arms.
"Ha ha ha, onnum aagadhu trust me " he said tightening his grip around her.
-------------------------------------
"Where is Tarika? " Sivaangi asked looking around the therapy room.
"Since it is last minute, she was not able to get away from her professional commitments, she said she will come to the house in the evening" Ashwin replied looking at his mobile.
"Oh, okay" she replied little disappointed.
"Hey, naan irukken ma, don't worry, and she will come as soon as she can ok va? and I do have night duty today, so you guys can have a complete girl's night. " he said with a warm and convincing smile
"Hmm.. okay" she replied without any of her usual excitement.
"So, who is ready to unlock some memories today? " the doctor came in very much excited.
"Okayyy.... who died? " he asked looking at both of their faces.
"Nobody!! Just that I am not very keen on getting my memories back today" Sivaangi replied like a child who refused to do the homework on a friday night.
"Relax Sivaangi, you need not do anything that you don't want to, but know this, ivalo naala willing ah accept pannitu irundha nee, if something is stopping you from the inside to go ahead today, just think what could be the reason" doctor replied sitting in a chair next to her.
"So, you say that I can recover my memory today? fully? " she asked skeptically.
"There is definitely a chance and your brain knows it and hence the hesitation" he replied with a smile.
"Okay, lets get this done once an for all then" she replied leaning back on the therapy chair.
Ashwin patted on the back of her palm appreciatively and got up to leave.
"No, sit here, close to me please" she said holding his hand
Ashwin looked at his friend, he nodded his head as Okay so he sat back down.
"Okay Sivaangi, lets begin, you know the drill, take a deep breath and relax" he said in a soothing tone.
"Lets see if we can continue from where we left off, what did you do after you spoke with your friend, what is the first thing you remember" he asked leaning against his chair.
"I don't know, I came down I think, I saw my parents in their room, they were arguing about something" she said crunching her face thinking hard.
"What was it about? any idea" he encouraged her.
"No, I am far away from them, not able to hear anything, but it looks pretty serious.." she continued.
"Or may be not, they are okay now, my father just pulled my mother into a hug" she added with a blushing smile on her face.
"It is always cute to see them pacify each other after an argument, adhuvum appa appadi konjuvaanga ammava and amma even though she would have lost her anger the very first second will prolong just to enjoy appa's pacifications" she said with the smile widening more.
Her words not only widened the smile on her face but on Ashwin's face too.
"Okay ma, lets move further, what did you do next? Did you tell your parents about the call? " the doctor asked again bringing her back to the topic.
Sivaangi's face changed to embarrassment as the scene unfolded in front of her eyes.
"Enna vilaydaraya Sivu, it is you who forced us to come here and now you want us to take you back? what is the sudden need to go back to chennai now? " her mother asked her in a slightly raised tone.
"Ma please, an interschool singing competition is coming up this weekend it seems, it is not mandatory but lot of big schools are going to participate and it will be big confidence boost for me if I win this one, pa pa, sollu pa please" 12 year old Sivaangi nudged her parents.
"Seri appo weekend enga koodaye vaa, what is the need to go tomorrow? " her mother asked clearly proving that she is a mother and no details can escape.
"Naalikku evening kulla I have to register illana participate panna mudiyaadhu" Sivaangi replied immediately proving that nothing can stand in front of a smitten teenage girl.
Her mother looked at her father, he gave a strong nod as an yes with a closed open eyes agreeing to Sivaangi's request.
"Thank you so much pa, you are the best" she got up squealing kissing her father on his cheek.
"Hmm pesaradhellam en kitta, best mattum neenga" she could clearly hear her mother whining, which again brought a cute smile on her face.
Ashwin too listened to everything she elaborated with a warm content smile plastered on his face when her face changed suddenly, it looked like whatever was streaming before her was making her suffer a lot and just like that without any warning, she opened her eyes.
"Thats it, I can't remember anything else" she said getting up.
"Sivaangi" the doctor called her with hesitation.
"What! I can't remember anything else" she snapped back and started walking towards the door.
Ashwin looked at his friend confused.
Sivaangi who was about to open the door, stopped on her tracks when her favorite song that played on the car stereo that day started playing on the speaker.
The sweet lavender smell from the car that day filled the room now.
She froze in the same place as if she got nailed down, she closed her eyes and her face crunched as if she was seeing something that she did not want to see.
"No, please, no no no, stop it , stop it stop it " she screamed dropping down on her knees and starting crying into it.
Both Ashwin and his friend rushed towards her and crouched down next to her.
"I know you remembered the whole thing Sivaangi, there is not point in keeping it in, it is better if it all comes out." the doctor said in a concerned tone.
But all they could get back was uncontrollable sobs and whimpers from her.
Ashwin's eyes too started filling with tears seeing his wife in this condition.
He immediately pulled her into a hug as if wanting to protect her from everything that was hurting her.
"I didn't know, I didn't know, they hid it from me, they could have just told me and I wouldn't have forced them to come that day, why didn't they tell me? why didn't they? why didn't they Ashwin? " she continued yapping incoherently amidst her sobs looking at Ashwin like a lost puppy.
Ashwin too started crying looking at her status.
"Therila ma, therila " he replied hugging her more.
"They would have hated me to the core in the end, they might still hate me, my parents hate me Ashwin, they hate me" she continued mumbling looking into his eyes as if he has the solution to all her problems.
"Sivaangi, inga paarunga, we cannot help you unless you tell us what happened, so please say something" the doctor said tapping on her shoulder.
"Vidra please, let her talk when she is comfortable" Ashwin said helplessly looking at his friend.
Sivaangi was still in his arms, as if digging herself into his chest not wanting to see anything or anyone around her.
"Okay take her home, talk to her and call me if you need anything, paathukoda " the friend replied getting up.
Both of them just stayed there sitting inside the car not knowing what to do next.
Sivaangi had finally calmed down but her face looked like she had aged by 10 years in just 1 hour.
"Beach kku po Ashwin" she said looking right in front of her without saying anything else.
Ashwin looked at her for a minute then started the car without a word.
She continued to stare at the waves, while her hand doodled on the sand.
Ashwin sat there patiently giving her space and time to open up on her own.
"Three people died that day" she said without any announcement.
Ashwin turned and looked at her confused.
"I did not just kill two but three people that day" she said again in a blank emotionless tone.
"Listen, first of all it was an accident, you did not kill anyone that day, take that into your mind before saying anything else" he said sternly.
"Well, let us see how you feel about that once you learnt what happened that day" she replied with a small smirk.
"Then let me be the judge of that, tell me what happened that day" Ashwin said taking her hand in his.
Sivaangi's mind started replaying the whole scene in front of her.
It was decided that her mother will drive the first half of their journey while her father takes rest and then her father will continue to drive.
So her father went to the backseat to sleep while she sat in front with her mother.
They would have been two hours max into the journey and Sivaangi was busy hearing to the song in the stereo while popping her head out of the window taking in all the fresh air and imagining what she is going to do the next day at Vicky's party.
"Sivu sivu" she heard her mother's whispery tone.
But as any teenage girl she ignored it without answering and continue to day dream about how handsome Vicky is and how jealous other girls are going to be when they find out they both are together.
"Sivvuuu" she heard her mother scream her name.
"Enna ma " she said in an irritated tone and turned her attention to her mother when she saw her mother's face all scrunched up in pain.
"Thanni.. tha tha .. thanni" she mumbled looking at the water bottle on the dashboard in front Sivu at the same time removed the seat belt to relieve some pressure and breathe.
"Ennama pannudhu " Sivaangi asked her in a panic filled tone.
"Onnum illa, onnum illa, tha.. thanni " she mumbled again
Sivaangi turned her attention to get the water, but then she saw her mother looking down, pulling her saree up, her vision too followed and saw blood oozing out between her mother's legs, before she could ask anything everything started moving very fast, it felt like her whole world swayed as she was hit left right center and she right away lost her consciousness.
When she woke up, all she could see was shattered glasses every where.
Her mother's head was outside the window while her body remained motionless.
"Ma ma, ezhundiru" she said trying to pull her mother, but there was no change.
"Ayyo appa" she screamed and turned behind to check on her father.
She saw her father's blood covered face but he was still moving.
"Appa appa, enna paaru pa" she pleaded trying to twist her bashed paining body as much as she can.
"Kanna sivu, ok va da thangam nee? " he asked mumbling amidst pain.
"I am okay pa, enakku onnum illa, neenga ezhundhirunga" she replied looking at his weird posture.
Just then she saw a rod from the seat had poked his midriff.
"Kannama, appa ok, amma check pannu, how is amma, she ..she .. " he stumbled
"Amma is not moving pa" she cried trying to wake her mother again.
Her father tried to lift himself up.
"Sssss aaah" he cried in pain.
"Check if she is breathing, I am not able to get up, she.. she.. shh is pregnant" he whispered.
"What? enna pa soneenga? " she asked not able to catch what he said at last
"Please check on her, your mother is pregnant" he replied clearly this time shocking Sivaangi.
She turned towards her mother shocked, with new found strength she pulled her mother from the window back to seat.
"Ma, ma enna paaru ma, please ma, enna paaru, enna thaniya vittutu pogaadha ma " she screamed while placing her ears against her chest and checking on her heart beat.
"Appa, I am not able to hear anything" she said amidst frantic cries trying to see if she could feel her breath under her nose.
"Appa appa nothing, I can't feel anything " she continued to scream
"Appa appa why are you not saying anything" she screamed and turned her attention back to her father to see his eyes open and fixed.
"Ayo, appa appa, enna paaru, appa edhavadhu sollu pa, pesu pa, please pa please pa, enakku inga thaniya bayamma irukku pa, edhavadhu sollu pa " she screamed patting on her father's face in vain.
"Amma amma, appavum edhuvum pesa maatengaraaru, neeyaavadhu edhavadhu sollu ma, romba irutta irukku ma, yaarume illa, help help help" she screamed popping her head outside the broken window.
But since it was a lonely, not so frequented national highway no one was there.
She continued frantically to make her parents talk for 10 more minutes, when nothing happened she gave up tired and leaned against her seat.
The sight of the blood oozing between her mother's leg came back, even though she didn't know what it was then now she knew it was something to do with pregnancy.
She immediately searched for her father's mobile and switched on the data, it was not 3g time, so 'E' came on top indicating the slowest internet connection in the world.
Still she searched for hospitals in google web browser and got the number of one.
"Hello, hello, naan Sivaangi accident aagiduchu" she said amidst her cries.
"Hello hello, aaranu, padhukka padhukka para mole, karayandaam, I am not able to hear anything " the voice on the other side said.
(who is it ? talk slowly)
"Naanu sivaangi, car car accident aayi, valareadhikam raktham, please yaaravadhu vaanga" she managed to say something between malayalam tamil and english controlling her cries.
(too much blood)
"Okay okay, relax, where are you? " the voice asked
Sivaangi popped her head outside the window, saw a name on the road side directions board and informed to the nurse.
"Okay okay, we are sending the ambulance, you stay safe" the voice said.
"Pediaavunu chechi" Sivaangi replied amidst sobs
(I am scared akka)
"Karayanda mole, aalmaarkal ippo varaam, dheiriyamaayittu irundho, ippo varaam, sheriya? " she said before hanging up
(Dont cry my child, people are coming soon, be brave ok?)
She leaned back again on the seat.
"I didn't know, I promise I wouldn't have forced you to come if I had know, why did you hide it from me? why? why did you hide it, it is not my fault, you did it, you are the reason, you all hid it from me, I didn't know, I am sorry, I am sorry" she continued to mumble her voice slowly trailing down as she lost her consciousness completely.
Sivaangi finished repeating everything to Ashwin as she continued to stare at the horizon.
"When I woke up I was in my grandparent's house, devoid of any memories, they told my parents died, when I asked them about the bruises they said I fell from the stairs in shock when I heard they died the first time" Sivaangi said.
"And I believed it to be true" she said with zero emotion in her voice.
Ashwin looked at her empathetically not knowing what to say.
"Well, now you know what a selfish murderous heartless woman you got married to, I am sorry Ashwin I wouldn't have brought you into this mess if I had known " she said with little remorse but more like a statement.
Ashwin continued to look at the sea without replying.
Sivaangi continued to look at him as if waiting for him to say something but when she did not hear anything, she got up.
"Okay then, let us leave, drop me at my grand parents and you can go home, I will accept whatever decision you take regarding our relationship" she said and started walking when his hand stopped her.
"Okkaru Sivaangi" he said in an almost commanding tone puling her next to him
He continued to stare at the waves his face indicating that he was struggling to give words to his thoughts.
"Well, still waiting " she said
"Uff!! " he let of a huge sigh, turned and looked at her.
"How are you feeling now? " he asked her with a smile.
"Are you kidding? how am.. How am I feeling? are you for real? well, I am feeling great realizing that I am the reason behind the death of my parents and an unborn sibling" she snapped at him.
"unakku appadiya thonichu? from what I heard all I could see was a brave 12 year old, in the middle of the night tried to keep both her parents alive in spite of she herself being badly hurt. " he replied taking her hand in his and kissing on her wrist.
"Enna vilayadaraya? did you even hear what I said? " she asked really irritated.
"I did, very clearly, well answer this, how old was your mother when this happened? " he asked
"Late 30's, 37 may be? " she replied confused.
"Well, listen to me very carefully, I am not blaming your parents, 'may their soul rest in peace' here, as a doctor I am just explaining to you the medical scenario. Know that spontaneous abortion in woman in late 30's are very very common, it was what happened to your mother which caused the accident. You were a child, just because you asked they shouldn't have taken the trip knowing the risk behind it. It is only you who didn't know that your mother was pregnant they knew right? and they knew the risk associated with it, yet they chose to drive back at that early stage of pregnancy. It is their choice that caused the accident, not you. You did not hurt them, it is just series of unpredictable incidents that did. All you did was in spite of an impossible scenario you stayed brave, I cannot say many twelve year old could have done what you did that day, so take deep breath and throw the guilt away, it was not you who killed your parents" he finished in a confident tone looking into her eyes.
Sivaangi looked at him confused.
"But I was the reason, for them to drive that day " she whined but not so confident like before.
"Again, if it was a spontaneous abortion, if not that day, the day they travelled back it could have happened, no one knows, in spite of all advanced medical discoveries there are still some mysteries like why a body decides to abort a fetus, some times just walking can cause an abortion while other time the fetus will stay healthy inside in spite of trekking whole himalayas, no one knows how the body decides and that is what happened that day too, so take it into your mind, you are not the reason" he said sternly
Sivaangi did not reply, she looked ahead lost in thoughts.
"You know what Ashwin, so many times I have felt really irritated when you bring science and logic into places where emotions are needed, but today I am glad you are who you are, nee mattum emotional ah edhavadhu pesirndha naan innum udanju poirpen, thank you for thinking clearly and logically for my sake too " she said finally a small smile blooming on her face.
Ashwin gave her a smile back but his face turned funny immediately.
"Yedhey naan logical ah pesina irritate aaviya? but face mattum avalo lovey dovey ah irukum? kiss ellam pannuva? " he asked with fake anger.
"Vera enna panna? naan feel pannina adhukum serthu half an hour blade poduva that is why I shut your mouth the only way I know it will stay shut" she replied with a shrug.
"Adipaavi, naan kooda en pechu pudichudhaan kiss panranu la innocent ah nenachen, oru genuine kozhandhaya ithana naal yemathirka nee" he said continuing his fake anger.
"Aamam aamam andha kiss kku aaporam indha genuine kozhandha enna pannumnu enakku dhaane theriyum" she replied with a smirk.
"Innum neraya theriya vekkaren bali la" he replied pulling her into a kiss while the sun set down red with blush giving the much needed privacy to the couple.
Author's note:
Sorry Author's note ezhudhura alavukku kai la thembu illa.. longest chapter ever. so enna sollanumnu ninaikareengalo sollitu ponga, vote kuthitu ponga, see you in the next 'Bali' chapter
P.S: Forgive my malayalam, I am not the malayali, husband is and he too doesn't speak at home, only Mil and his family does and that too haven't heard it properly in two years as they speak in broken tamil when they speak to me, so kettarivu vetchu ezhudhirken, so thappu irundhaal unga veetu pullaya nenachu mannichidunga, big update kuduthirken la.. pleaseeeee.
Love,
DV