And, just like that, we began asking each other questions. It was relatively simple and innocent at the beginning, like 'what's your favorite color' or 'what music do you like'. We talked about school and how different our lives were since we stopped hanging out. Minji actually seemed really attentive and wanted to know things about me that other people didn't know. It was weird, I really never thought someone like her would be that interested in someone like me.
The game took a turn when Minji decided to ask a question about today. "Why did you volunteer to help me?" She watched my reaction intently, seeming to genuinely want to know the answer. Right when I opened my mouth to talk, she said, "And don't give me something lame like 'it was the right thing to do'." I laughed because that's the initial excuse I was planning to use. "Assuming you knew it was me, why did you volunteer when you obviously thought I wasn't a good person?"
"Yah! I don't think you're a bad person!" I yelled and leaned forward to hit her shoulder. For a moment I was worried that she would be mad at me for my habit, but she just laughed.
When I started to pull my arm back, she put her hand underneath it so that I felt her finger tips against my skin. "I know. I'm messing with you." She squeezed my hand in hers before letting it go. My heart started beating rapidly in my chest and I nearly forgot what question she asked me.
I took a deep breath, looking at my hands in my lap. Now I just had to think of how to tell her that my gay self jumped at the chance to spend time alone with an attractive girl like her. "I don't know why I volunteered. I just did." I shrugged, hoping she couldn't tell how nervous I got.
"I don't believe you." She said seriously. I looked up at her to see her looking extremely intimidating. "I think there's a reason."
I swallowed and laughed awkwardly, not meeting her eyes. "It's kind of embarrassing." I admitted.
"I told you that I have a family collection of rilakkuma bears, what can be more embarrassing than that?" Minji joked and I laughed lightly.
Letting out a sigh, I said, "Maybe I just... wanted to... spend time with you?"
"Why?" She asked instantly.
"That's a second question, you have to answer first." I tried to reason.
"No, you didn't tell the whole truth." She leaned forward again, staring me down. "Why did you want to spend time with me?"
I closed my eyes and shook my head, angry at how stupid I was being. "Because I think you're attractive." I rushed out. And... there it was... She knew my true motives now.
The long following silence caused me to open my eyes again. For the first time tonight, Minji wasn't looking back at me. She seemed to be thinking and I was sure my eyes were playing tricks on me when I saw a hint of a blush on her cheeks.
"That is such a shallow answer, I'm sorry." I spoke up. "I literally just said my expectations of you were bad and then admitted that I only agreed to help you because I think you're attractive... God, I'm so stupid." I wanted to bury myself right now.
"You're definitely not stupid." Minji said suddenly.
"How could you know, I'd say I'm coming off as a really bad person right now." I chuckled sarcastically, still mad at myself for saying anything.
She finally made eye contact with me and abruptly asked, "Can I admit something to you?" I froze. Her voice seemed serious. Now I was scared. For what reason, I don't know. I just assumed this would continue going downhill. I've never regretted letting a door close so much in my life.
"Yeah?" I asked rather than told.
Minji seemed to get nervous for the first time, playing with her fingers and not maintaining eye contact. It was very uncharacteristic compared to how confident she's been so far.
"I've actually never been with somebody before." She said quietly.
"What?" I asked, once again annoyed at myself for the clear shock in my voice. This is why you should never assume.
She laughed. "I've never even kissed anyone." I watched her eyes as she spoke, finally realizing that she was being completely honest.
"That's insane. There's no way people haven't asked you out before." I exclaimed. "You're like the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and, from the little time we've spent here, I can tell you're a good person." There was a small smile on her face from my words and she glanced up at me before looking back down.
"That's not what I wanted to admit to you, though." I didn't say anything, I just looked at her, encouraging her to continue. "When you told me that you had volunteered to help me earlier, I was glad it was you." She still wasn't looking at me and I was quickly growing confused.
"Why?" I questioned gently. What could she possibly mean by that? We barely know each other.
"Do you remember when you used to come over to my house when we were younger?" Minji asked, her voice sounding hopeful as the ghost of a smile played over her lips.
"Yeah." I thought back to the times her and I and all of our friends spent together. "I always had fun but I remember your parents were really strict and didn't let anyone spend the night... that was so long ago."
She sighed sadly at my last words. "My parents never let me have just one friend over. Never left me alone with anyone. Maybe they knew then. Maybe they thought they could change me... mold me into their own image of what a perfect daughter should be like." Leaning back in her chair, she shook her head, "That's beside the point." I took a moment to think over what she said. I had a feeling I knew what she meant, but at the same time, I didn't want to assume. You see how far that's gotten me.
"I don't know if you remember, but around the time before we stopped hanging out, we were on the roof one night. Somehow we had snuck passed my parents and were up there alone. Just you and I." She looked off into the distance, smiling like she was picturing it now. "We still didn't know each other well. I think we were both just young and wanting to do something rebellious. But we ended up sitting there, looking at the stars, and just talking... It may not have meant anything to you and you might not even remember it, but that conversation we had has never left my mind. We talked about our fear that we expected too much from people and that we would never be truly happy in any relationship."
As she recalled the story, the memory came back into my mind. I remembered it well enough and even thought about it occasionally since then, I just wondered if I ever realized that it was her in that memory. She seemed so different now. Certainly less approachable than a 14 year old Minji. And that memory seemed so far away in my mind. Just a drop of water in an ocean of thoughts. But it was important to me. Because it was one of the only times in my life that I felt completely understood.
"We both agreed that giving yourself to someone was only worth it if you truly loved them. Otherwise it was pointless... That is the real reason why I've never been with anyone or kissed anyone. Because I've always pictured those moments being shared with the right person... Someone I loved so much I couldn't stop thinking about. Someone who understood me as much as I understood them." When she said that last sentence, she looked up at me and everything started to click in my mind.
"Maybe it's stupid that I've held onto that memory. I mean, we were only 14. We barely knew what love was back then. But, every day since then, I've regretting not making an effort to talk to you." She frowned and her gaze slowly moved downwards, like she was ashamed of herself. "Maybe it was the stupid popularity thing, I shouldn't give myself that much credit. But the longer I waited, the harder it made it. Obviously because we grew apart, but, beyond that..." Her cheeks turned red as she thought about her next words, "You're so much more mature now. When I saw you earlier, it probably didn't seem like it, but I was nervous. Talking to a 14 year old girl versus talking to an 18 year old woman is a big difference." She laughed with a small smile. It seemed like she was embarrassed.
I seriously thought I was hearing things. Kim Minji was nervous around me? "Are you messing with me right now?" I asked seriously. She hastily met my eyes, possibly worried I was freaked out.
"What?" She asked.
"First of all, you're talking about me being mature now? ... Have you seen yourself? No wonder I keep stuttering like an idiot." Now I was sure she blushed because we were only a foot away from each other.
"Yah." It was her turn to shove my shoulder back. "You're not an idiot." We both smiled at each other and I felt butterflies in my stomach before shaking my head to continue.
"And of course I remember that night. I've thought about it a lot and I still really believe everything we said." I told her honestly. The more I thought about it, the more I also wished I had made an effort to get to know her better. Today, I'd probably blame it on my 'angsty teen' behavior. I mean, I was still trying to figure myself out back then. Well, I still am now. But I think, back then, the way she made me feel that night scared me. Because I had never felt it before. There's no way my 14 year old self was ready to confront those types of feelings head on.
After a few seconds of silence she said, "I really do wish I had tried to talk to you sooner." She was looking into my eyes again and I could feel the depth and sincerity of her words. She had gone through the last four years alone, surrounded by what she considered 'fake' friends. I'm sure her parents haven't been any less strict either. If anything they've probably been harder on her. I wished I had been there to weather the storm with her.
I didn't realize what I meant to her until now. And I don't think I realized quite what she meant to me until this moment either.