The visiting area was empty except for her and the guards, as was the usual arrangement when her only two regular visitors were coming, her mother Ursa and her brother, Fire Lord Zuko. She wasn't usually informed who of them it would be but over the years she learned to be prepared for either possibility. There was a reason why her visiting hours were held separate from the usual ones, it was to avoid giving the other prisoners any appearance of her having any special status. Of course, almost all of them knew who she was, or better said, who she used to be but none of the guards, doctors, nurses or the warden ever addressed her with anything other than „prisoner". Some inmates upon learning her identity did use her former title but were quickly and sternly warned not to, more often than not by Azula herself. She didn't like getting in trouble for the foolishness of others, her own follies were more than enough. The most recent one got her a seven day time out. Though it wasn't nearly as bad as in the early days; she was still allowed to exercise in the yard, even firebend under supervision and her hands and feet weren't bound, she just wasn't allowed to mingle with the rest of her fellows, some of which she found rather entertaining, some of which she actually liked. She had learned very quickly, once she was lucid enough to think even halfway clearly at all, that she had no rights, other than food, water and perhaps some basic human decency; only privileges that had to be earned and which could easily be taken away. One of those was visiting rights. That threat might work on others but she only had two possible visitors, whose status meant they could see her when THEY wanted. Thus she sat in the chair of one of the meeting tables, playing with her hair or adjusting her uniform, waiting to see who would come through the door. It was Zuko, his furrowed brows and clenched jaws advertising his anger a mile away. He set down in his simplified but still royal looking regalia, across from his sister and almost slammed the table when he put his hands on it. The guards stepped closer.
„We need to talk!"
Though she expected it, Azula hadn't seen her brother this angry in years. She had almost forgotten how difficult it must be for him to be calm, caring and compassionate around her, despite his best wishes and intentions. It was still hard for her at times to resist the urge to ruin it. Still, she took a deep breath, put on her most nonchalant face and replied:
„We always talk brother. Usually about how I'm doing and feeling, then we switch to happier topics."
Upon hearing those words and seeing her seemingly cold reaction Zuko answered with barely restrained fury:
„You know damn well why I'm here. I want answers!"
For a moment, Azula toyed with one of her bangs, her hairstyle and makeup the same as she had before her fall from grace. She knew she couldn't toy with her brother quite as easily as back then. Still, she could prolong the inevitable for just a little while longer:
„Answers to what? What is it that you don't comprehend?"
Zuko closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, he wanted to shout at her. When the urge subsided for just a little he spoke:
„You have been here for TEN years! The past four you've been nothing but a model inmate. No significant relapses, episodes, outbursts, violations, anything! Your reports are outstanding. Mom is actually HAPPY after she comes back from seeing you! So why, why only days before your first parole hearing did you cause an incident? It will take at least several months, maybe even a year before Avatar Aang and the rest can reschedule."
Zuko's anger couldn't quite mask the recrimination, sadness and disappointment in his eyes and voice. Azula tried not to avert her eyes from the sight but failed in the end, subtly acknowledging her shame. She answered in a low voice but tried to keep it playful:
„I'm dangerous and unstable, the fact that I'm in a psychiatric prison should have clued you in on that fact long ago, Zuzu."
She couldn't help but remember the warden's words, some of the first the stern no-nonsense woman told her: „If your brother, the Fire Lord, gives up hope for you, then there truly is no hope for you."
Zuko let out a tired sigh. He slowly noticed his sister's downward and averted gaze. She was trying to hide something, he realized. It wouldn't be the first time he had to force her to admit to something that pained or shamed her. He thought and hoped he knew everything already, so there likely must be something new. Thus he decided to change strategies and speak more softly, almost pleading:
„I just don't understand, you worked so long and so hard, really hard. You haven't refused any medication, no matter the side effects, you cooperate fully with the councilor and the therapist, you never talk back to or disobey a guard, you don't get in trouble with the other prisoners, you meditate, read, write, paint, you even learned how to clean, cook, wash and work in a garden. For years! The amount of pride you must have swallowed could have choked lesser people to death. You really mean to tell me you haven't changed or improved at all? I'm sorry, out of all the lies you ever told me I find this one of the least convincing ones. Try again."
She glanced up to him, looked him directly in the eyes and spoke half the truth:
„I did it for you."
„How in the name of the gods could throwing away your first real chance for freedom possibly benefit me?"
„You really haven't thought this through, have you Zuko?"
„What do you mean?"
„Let me spell it out for you dum-dum. Lets say by some miracle the Avatar and the rest of the board decide I've been punished enough and should be given a chance. What if I end up in a situation where my worst impulses are tempted, where the monster inside me just screams to be let out, and I fail to resist it? It might not happen right away, maybe years from now. What if I hurt somebody, seriously hurt somebody, maybe even cause their death? I know capital punishment isn't a thing anymore but at the very least you would have no other choice but to lock me up again and throw away the key for good. All these years you spent caring for me, supporting me, holding out hope for me, would be for naught. I know you enough now to know you would be devastated, mom even more so. Worse yet, you would look foolish and your judgment would be questioned by all on other matters too. As far as I'm concerned, I'm doing you a favor."
Zuko's surprise was evident. Was it really possible that after all these long years of building trust, she didn't trust herself? He said:
„What makes you say that?"
Azula's expression changed and she spoke with confidence, it was now her turn to chide:
„I still have eyes and ears and something that passes for a brain. Mom was right, people tell you a lot when you at least pretend that you listen and care. You might not have paid much attention to the other prisoners here but I have. Luyan Prison might have one of the lowest recidivism rates anywhere but that doesn't mean people don't end up back. Life outside is messy, without something to replace the structure they have here people struggle, some even fall apart."
„You're not seriously telling me you're enjoying it here?"
„Of course not Zuzu, this is prison, this is punishment, and I'm reminded of it every day."
„So what is the issue Azula? I see you are trying to make a point, please get to it."
„The point is that I didn't expect it! How was I supposed to feel about it? I've spent 15 years at the very top of society, then 10 years at the very bottom. Did you really expect I would suddenly, magically know how to live a „normal" life somewhere in the middle, with the whole world watching my every step, just waiting when I would slip?"
Her brother's anger was almost gone, almost. He wasn't pleased with her accusatory tone and he couldn't understand where these words were coming from, he needed more clarification.
„How could you be unprepared? I thought earning back your freedom was what you worked for."
„Let me show you something."
Azula rolled back the sleeve of her right hand up to her shoulder and revealed a tattoo. Zuko's eyes were wide.
„How did you get one?" he asked.
„Special permission from the warden herself."
Zuko looked at the writing and couldn't believe what he saw, he voiced what the characters read:
„Unforgiven? Azula, I thought we were over this, me and mom..."
She finished for him: „are the only two people in the world foolish and softhearted enough to forgive me."
It had been about six years now since he and his mother Ursa first said those words to her, together. It hadn't been easy for either of them. They had started visiting her regularly and often early on, him once a month and his mother every week. They showed her affection, compassion, even love but still made it very clear that they were angry, furious even. After a long, arduous time Azula stopped making excuses for herself, though they did help her family at least understand her viewpoint, misguided and warped as it may be. However, she never dared to go the next step and ask for forgiveness. Over time Zuko and Ursa realized that it wasn't because she was too proud to do it, but because she dreaded the answer. After they said those words and Azula felt they genuinely meant them, new floodgates burst open. She was a crying mess for weeks and wouldn't stop apologizing for even the tiniest thing, it simply took her mind a long time to accept and adjust to what happened. Eventually Zuko had to literally order her to stop effacing herself when he felt it wasn't healthy anymore. Seems he had to intervene again.
„You will NOT talk about her like that! I thought you knew how hard it was for her, even though she wished for it with all her heart."
She replied, with profound sadness in her voice:
„I do know, Zuko, I do. It's the most beautiful gift I have ever received, and a debt I can never repay."
„I... I..." he suddenly stammered. His sister just nodded approvingly, knowing full well that apologizing to her wasn't something he was fond of doing. Thus she let him continue the conversation from another angle.
„Why would you brand yourself like this?" he asked.
„Because wearing such a mark on my flesh makes it a little easier to bear it on my soul... it also looks pretty good. It's my own calligraphy after all."
„I didn't realize you felt this way. Why did you go through all the effort if you believe you can't be forgiven?"
„Didn't Mother ever tell you you should do good things because they are good, not because you have something to gain from them? Also, I was bored."
„Bored?"
„Yes, bored. Bored of spending time in chains or tied to my bed, bored of solitary confinement in the coolers or isolation cells, bored of not seeing the sun or exercising my body and bending, bored of only interacting with my thoughts and not with people, and most of all bored with feeling like absolute shit all the time. I got to hand it to Warden Asuka, she really knows how to incentivize good behavior."
„Is that really all there is, incentive?"
„You make it sound like it's a bad thing. This is a correctional facility. You correct undesired behavior with appropriate rewards and punishments."
Now it was Zuko's turn to sound sad, unnerved with the seeming ease Azula spoke what she spoke.
„Mai told me once I shouldn't be fooled by you, she told me you haven't changed, only adapted."
It had the desired effect of shaking Azula out of her carefully casual mood and she replied with a softer, almost tender but more serious tone.
„Look, Zuko, we both know I was always „troubled", some people just don't have the blessing or luxury of being born with a pure soul, doesn't mean they are doomed. What I've learned here is this, being a good person isn't something ineffable, it is a skill like any other. It can be studied, learned, and like any true skill it should be appreciated. It just happens that I have no natural talent at it whatsoever. That's why I'm more proud of it than even my bending. Ask yourself this brother, what is more noble, being born good and staying uncorrupted, or being born evil and overcoming that nature through great effort?"
Azula had always been fiercely intelligent, and that was scary enough. Now the years have made her actually insightful too. Zuko knew he had to steer the balance of the conversation back in his favor.
„You really do a lot of reading, don't you?"
„And I happen to enjoy it too."
„Now answer me without quoting a book. If you are so confident in your „skill" of being a better person how come that when you have a chance to show it to the world you are so..."
The realization was unexpected and hard to believe, demanding immediate confirmation.
„You are scared!?" he asked.
„Took you long enough."
„Why?"
„I only said I was proud of it, not that I have mastered it."
„But you have never shirked away before when challenged, you were always so..."
„Full of hubris." she preempted the compliment: „One of many reasons I ended up here."
„Ok, what makes you so cautious all of a sudden then?"
„Observation."
„Care to give me an example?"
„Sure, lets start with one of the most common and most sad and pathetic ones. Some lucky guy or girl gets released and they manage to get back to their old friends and family. Those compassionate yet ignorant souls see the side effects of the medication their loved one has to take. Not able to bear their suffering they convince them to just stop, after all, they are reformed, what could happen? What happens is that the withdrawal wrecks their brain and they end up doing something stupid and illegal and they are back here, often worse than when they started, with yet another sentence to serve."
„You don't mean to tell me you changed just because of the pills?"
„Of course not, but they keep my mind more stable. I might feel very sleepy or ill in my stomach at inconvenient times but I don't want to be tempted into discarding something that has proven so useful."
„Alright, I promise neither me nor mom are going to say anything about your prescription. If it's needed we will remind you to take your meds every day."
„Thank you."
„Is that all? I can't buy that that's all. What else is there?"
„People."
„What do you mean by that? People outside? They are just normal and decent."
„Exactly. The people I associate with here, the ones I like to delude myself to be my friends, they don't exactly fit that definition. I don't suppose talking about your past criminal exploits, your most fun hallucinations or the pettiest reason you've ended up in solitary make for good topics in civilized company."
„But the guards say that the prisoners do like you, that you seem to be a good influence on them. Ever since you got involved with them violence between them is on an all time minimum. You actually have social skills."
„Social skills for one specific group. Before it was men of the military. Remember our vacation during the war when I completely embarrassed myself among normal kids our age?"
Zuko chuckled at that, then had an idea:
„Why don't you try making friends with people with similar experiences once you get out then?"
„You mean former convicts and mental patients? There are plenty of people here who did just that, either by choice or because they were forced by an unwelcoming society. The result is the same, being surrounded by prison mentality pulls you back to prison reality."
„I see." Zuko said, then thought of something and instantly said it: „Why don't you try starting a family? Mom would surely be very delighted and supportive."
„And how am I supposed to even attract a man?"
„I know you had a few boyfriends in here."
„True, and I have been called the most beautiful prisoner in the world too. However, you forget that every relationship here has to be evaluated and approved, and conjugal time is strictly regulated. Doesn't sound all that romantic."
„Not very much, no. But if it's like that, Mom could perhaps negotiate a good marriage for you."
„I have reason to doubt any good man would want me, unless he has some form of savior complex or a hidden perversion."
Zuko sighed: „I admit, you are making a very good case against yourself, but I think you are still being too negative. What is it that you truly want, Azula?"
His sister took a deep breath and looked him directly and piercingly in the eyes to make sure he understood how absolutely serious she was:
„I do NOT want to be thrown out the way I was thrown in. I want to be instructed. I want to know exactly how I'm supposed to behave. NO detail is too small or mundane to be insignificant. I have to be certain about what is expected of me and how I'm supposed to achieve it. No one must ever tell me I should just know, no matter how obvious it seems or how dumb my question. And I want you to keep the following in mind: this is NOT just about me. The public will take an interest into what and how I'm doing and if I fail it will seriously hurt the very idea of rehabilitation. Every one of your subjects who is or was in a prison or asylum will suffer as a consequence. I trust and hope you don't want that."
Zuko nodded gravely, finally having understood everything there is to understand. He noticed her outstretched hands were slightly trembling. Thus he cupped them with his and said:
„But if you succeed it will help our nation and the world to be better."
Azula smiled and replied: „No pressure."
Her brother laughed and said: „I'll figure something out."
„You better."
He stood up from his chair, approached her and gestured her to stand up and let him hug her. She complied and the siblings soon parted ways, both relieved in their own way.