"Ahhh, here we go again!" I exclaimed once my girlfriend started arguing about the same thing for the million time.
"What do you mean by 'here we go again'?" she asked madly.
"It's always the same, you always complain about my life!" I said in a tone almost shouting. "It's my work, y/n!"
"And I'm your fucking girlfriend!" otherwise me, she shouted. "Am I not important?!"
"I have never said that so stop putting words in my mouth!" I pointed my index finger towards her angrily.
"It was my fucking birthday and you were God knows where!" tears of anger already streaming down her face.
"I WAS WORKING!" I shouted so loud she took a step back. The expression on her face like if I had done something forbidden. Her mouth stayed closed for more than it had ever done in a situation like this. "What?"
"You've never shouted that loud," the tone on her voice so low that I was lucky enough to hear her.
"Now you also complain at how loud or low I speak?!" I can feel my face is red. Full with rage.
She closed her eyes. Tears streamed down until they touched the floor. She breathed in and open her eyes again. "Just tell me if you love at least as much as you love acting." A hint of pain in her voice.
Her eyes stayed in me. Never daring to leave my figure.
"It took so much to be where I am today," I answer.
"That wasn't the question," her voice is now broken. Silent tears keep falling from her crystal eyes.
"You know I love you, but you gotta understand that making movies is my work. I love doing that." Her eyes finally left me, they traveled to the small drops of water in the floor. "You can't be so jaundice."
Her glance rise up again.
"The only thing I ever asked you for was to be there for me when I needed it the most," her red eyes staring at me like if I were a sinner. "The only thing you did was hurt me. And I know you have never feel sorry for the way I hurt. I was there for you in your darkest times. I loved you at your worst. But that doesn't matter, because where the fuck where you when I was at my worst." My eyes looked away from her. "You can say you love me as many times as you want but there is no damn way you really feel it. But it's funny, right?" A forced laugh left her wet cherry lips. "I wished I had thought on this before I went and felt in love with you." The tears in her face multiply every second it passes.
"Don't try to make me feel guilty because I have done nothing wrong, the one who overacts everything is you." My brown eyes met hers once more. "Who was the one who started this fight? Who was the one who made a drama because I couldn't be there in her stupid birthday? It wasn't me, right Y/n? Or am I wrong? Because if I am please tell me so I can go to the doctor so they can tell me which strange sickness I suffer."
"You are right. The stupid emotional here is me. The one who can't give you what you deserve is me. The one who hurt the other without even knowing is me. So please, forgive me." For more that she tries to be strong, to sound ironic she can't. She is broken. But it's not my fault. "I'm exhausted and sick of this, of you. So now that we are over I can accept Grace's offer and go live with her."
The mad expression in my face changed. Did she said that we are over? Did she broke up with me? Is it my fault?
She took her phone and once she arrived next to the door, she took the car keys.
"Go on. Leave. I don't need you. And I bet I'll be better without you!" I shouted at the crying girl leaving the dark street.
"Mate?" A voice in the other side of the phone called. "Are you still there? Are you alright?"
"Yes." I sobbed.
"She is going to be alright," he assured it like if he was sure of that. But he can't know that. "Tom." He called after a while of no answer from my side.
"How?" Tears keep leaving my eyes. And as time continues my voice breaks more.
"She was driving. It was raining. The road was slippery. Another car was coming, in the wrong direction, she tried to dodge it... she lost control over the car and fall on the ravine." I can tell that he can also break but he is trying to make himself strong so I don't break even more. "We are here, Grace and me. Y/n's mom called Grace. Them both agree in you coming."
"I don't think she would want me there."
"Come on, mate. You know she would love to know you came an see her." He sounds so sure of what he just said, but we al know I am the last person who should be there.
"No, Harrison. I hurt her, I am the last person who should be there." Even if it hurts, I need to face it. I shouldn't be there. And she was right. "And I'm not in London." I stated the last part as if I were going to wake up from having a nightmare. But it wasn't like that. This is real life. She is in a fucking hospital and I'm the other side of the world. It can be real life, but it still feels like a nightmare.
"Yeah, you are working. How could I forgot you are doing the one thing that took her away from you. If I were you I would be taking the next flight here. But how you want." He got mad at me, but it's not my fault. "They don't think she'll make it and if she does I think it's time for you to apologize. We are in Saint Thomas hospital, if you change your mind." And the call went dead.
I stayed where I was, not knowing what to do.
She can leave this world and the last thing we did was fight. The last thing I made her feel was pain.
"Tom," the director assistant called me. "Break is over, we are filming the next scene."
Apparently he can't see the tears in my face or he does not care.
"Where is Tom?!" Someone from inside the set shouted. "We need him."
My eyes stared emptily to the door. "Come one, we need to continue." The director assistant said impatiently.
"I'm sorry." I apologized. Not just with him, but with everyone. And I left as fast as I could.
And I board the closest flight to London. And what were eight hours of flight, felt like a lifetime.
And as soon as I landed, I took the first taxi I saw to the hospital Haz told me.
"I come to see Y/n Y/l." I said in a hurry to the receptionist. Her eyes left the computer to look up at me.
"It's not visiting hour." She affirmed without emotions. Is she serious?
"I need to see her. She... please." Tears started to come down my eyes once more.
"I'm sorry but she can't have visitors." Once more disregard in her.
"She can die!" I shouted so that the whole waiting room turn to see me. "You know what, I'll search for her." I turn and started walking towards the nearest hallway.
"Sir! Sir!" the lady called me, "You cant- security!" And two men stopped me.
"No, please." I cried, "I need to see her." I tried to get rid from them but in this state everything I do is useless. Every strength I have had is gone.
The whole waiting room looking at us like if it where a show.
"No, wait." A female voice called from the place we just came. "He comes with us."
And they let me go.
Through my blurry view I saw Y/n's best friend and Harrison's girlfriend. Grace. She approached me.
"Haz said you were coming." She looks terrible. As she should after knowing what can happen to her best friend.
Words weren't able to come out from me. But she somehow managed to guess what I was about to say. She read my mind.
"They are checking her, for the million time today. They don't want to tell me but I know the chances for her to wake up are low." She pressed her lips together to stop her desire to cry. "When they are over you can go and see her." And she lead me to the room where seven doctors where around a bed. Checking the monitors all around the room.
"I know you probably don't want to know about this but Haz left and I just want you to know how much you hurt her and know that what you are going through right now is probably the same pain she went trough for months." The sad tone on her voice changed, being replaced by a vexed one.
"The night you broke up, she arrived home like if the worst thing in her life had happened. Her eyes were red and she had already ran out tears. Harrison and I were watching a movie, we saw her and knew immediately what had happened. She never told us, though. The only thing she was able to say after two days was that you both had broke up." Our both pairs of eyes staring at the doctors in the other side of the window.
"Harrison told me your side of the story, but we both knew it wasn't true. And I know Harrison don't want to tell you but it was your fault, you hurt her and now you are paying for that. But it's unfair that we all are paying." Instead of her voice being broken, it's full of rage, of desire to do something for me to pay for hurting the most beautiful human that has ever touched this planet, and I can't blame her. I hate my self too. And I deserve ell the pain.
"She loved you and you were never able to give her back what she deserved. And 'till the day she crashed, she still loved you. And I don't understand why, you are the only one I know who dared to played with her, and therefore her heart will always be yours." Her words made me feel worst, but she is right, I deserve to feel like this. "The only thing she did was tear a fucking picture from the wall."
"If you hate me this much, why did you let me come?" My voice still cracking. Barely able to form the words that just left my mouth.
"I told you, she still loves you. I like it or not, she would love to see you here if she wakes up." And after that no one said anything else. We waited until the doctors came out. And for some unknown reason, Grace let me go in first.
As soon as I saw her body laying in the blue sheets, everything inside me broke. My whole world collapsed. I ran a hand through my hair while my eyes let more hot tears come out from them. Her whole body is connected to machines all around the room. Every step I took with fear of hurting her. With fear of being the reason she won't wake up again. Every step was replaced by a memory of us. Making me remember every moment we spent together. No bad memories, just a girl laughing. Just a girl smiling. I was the reason for that smile but I was also the reason for her tears.
And remembering what we had hurts me.
I sat on a chair next to her, the one I suppose Grace or her mom was sitting in before I arrived. "I'm sorry," I said as loud as my broken voice let me. "I need you." I need more time but it can't be borrow. "Please forgive me. I know it's not simple, and I know you won't, but I just need to know you don't hate me. I wouldn't be able to live if you do. You are everything to me."
"I am gonna wait. As long as it's necessary. Time heals wounds. And for you to come back, I would wait an eternity." I searched for her hand and took it gently, interwinding our fingers. As she can't close her hand I closed it gently and placed a soft kiss in her hand after. I just need to feel her. I need her touch.
"If you come back, I am here. And I promise I am going to leave everything behind. Just wake up, please." I stare at her face like if with that words she was going to wake up like a miracle.
But of course she didn't. Her eyes remained close. And for a moment the only sound in the room was the sound of the machines. Indicating her heart still beats. She still breaths. And she is still alive. "Nothing is the same without you. You turn off the noise with your voice."
Since the day she left, I think more and more about her. And she doesn't wake up, her memory will stay and the pain will never leave.
Now I realize how much I hurt her. I already lost the count. But it was so simple to play being blind that I fall in my own game. "Please give me another chance." One of my tears touched her hand.
Maybe we are a lost cause. And there is nothing that lasts for ever. "It was early for a goodbye. That's why ask you to come back at least one more night." So as tears couldn't stop from coming out from her that night, they can't from me right now. "If you are not here-"
All the machines made a loud sound. The triangles in the heart monitor went straight. No.
"Help!" I shouted desperately, not drooping her hand. "Someone help me!"
Doctors entered the room. "She lost heart frequency." One of them said. Moments later they arrived with another machine.
"We need you to leave the room, sir." I wasn't able to move. But the next moment I realized, I was already staring at the scene from the other side of the glass.
Everyone inside the room tried hard to make her heart beat again. But it seems useless.
"What happened?" Harrison asked as he arrived with Grace and Y/n's parents. I turn to look at them briefly, with eyes as red as Y/n's the day she went to their house. They hurried to stare inside the room.
And the doctors gave up. They took the machine away from her body. And soon they disconnected any other she had before.
Her mom collapsed in her father arms.
My eyes captured Grace mouth opening, she must have shouted. But everything around me is silent. No sound can be heard. Haz hold her from behind.
She crossed a bridge I can't follow.
She'll never know how much I love her.