olivia stiles.
• 1 step forward, 3 steps back - olivia rodrigo
Everytime my father decided to hurt my mother, a piece of my heart got poisoned. I feel like my perception of love was quite distorted, not quite real. I feel like things turned around for me when Rafael came by. His love was passionate, it felt raw. I feel like i'm the only person in the world that could understand and heal him. I felt like he needed me more than she needed him. But perhaps it was just the opposite.
once a december.
When Olivia was a little girl, just hoping for a good santa visit, warm cookies on the table and her daddy's warmth, things were a lot more simple. The whole family would gather around the table and there was not a care in the world. Atleast the smell of warmth stayed clear in her mind, but the sound of harsh voices did as well. They echoed across her mind, even if she ran off to her room. Christmas in their household wasn't exactly as loveable as she wanted it to be. Sometimes those harsh words of his rang in her head even if she was sleeping.
The sound of breaking glass awoke Olivia, on the night of Christmas Eve. She grabbed the sheets, watching Chase sleep beside her. When they fought, Olivia wanted to sleep with her older brother for comfort. His presence didn't protect her from the screaming coming from the kitchen, the crying baby brother Olivia wished she could soothe. But she was just a kid herself. Her bare feet reached the wooden floor, her pajama pants dragging across as she looked through the door carefully. Her mother always looked the same. The messy hair, the tired face and the strong will to protect her children. Olivia's father looked oddly similar to Chase- Just a more torn over version, the broken down alcoholic one. Olivia's eyes watered instantly, as he rose his hand towards her mother. In a blink of an eye, Chase got up like no one else.
"Daddy's hurting mom again-" She whispered, a tear rolling down her cheek. Chase was not born strong and cold, he was once a fragile child as well. And the look in his eyes confirmed that everytime.
"Don't go there-" Olivia begged, looking at the scar on top of his eyebrow. Once when he was really angry, he let it out on Chase. Pushing him towards their closet, he caused an open wound. Christopher told the doctors that Chase fell down his bike. Her cries were purely nothing to the 11 year old boy. Olivia admired him for his bravery, everytime he ran to stick up for their mother.
"How dare you use up all of the money we saved for their presents?!" A strong feminine voice echoed. "Was alcohol worth it?" She kept asking, her voice breaking each time.
"Don't fucking accuse me, you know I didn't do shit!" He pushed over a chair with force, breaking it's leg. Olivia jumped back, the tears flooding her view.
"What has turned of you, I thought you changed! I asked for you to buy those presents, I begged you even!"
"Fuck you bitch, you know they're not mine, you're a cheating slut"
"Don't speak that way- They're all yours, please, Chris-"
"Don't cuss at mom" Chase interrupted, but his voice was of a weak child in Christopher's eyes. Olivia's mother grabbed him close, she could tell she was shaking. It wasn't the presents that mattered to Olivia, it was her mother and brother's health.
"What are you gonna do little shit?" His sinister voice sent shivers down Olivia's spine.
"Christopher, stop-"
Chase's push wasn't really effective, but the punch back he recieved was. Olivia couldn't bare to see her brother with a black eye, the screaming muffling in the background as her little brother cried and cried. She felt so overwhelmed, the brown-haired girl curled up in a ball, soothing herself with her covers, begging to God for it to stop. That's why she doesn't believe in God.
December 24th. 5:22 pm.
For others, Christmas associates with family and good times. But for Olivia, it's quite a painful memory. She tends to avoid speaking of it, but sometimes she craves to. It actually didn't feel like a close family and friends time, more like a self isolation one. She watched the christmas lights flicker on her favourite coffee shop, looking at the closed sign.
"Right it's Christmas Eve." She whispered under her breath. The girl brushed a strand of her brown hair under her ear, licking her lips from the cold. She felt a strong presence coming towards her, lifting up her eyes she looked at a tall, asian man standing right beside her. She recognized him, it was Biken. And it was the same coffee shop they had met before.
"So we meet again." He spoke coldly, also looking at the closed sign. It brought a small smile on Olivia's lips, as she looked down at the ground.
"Sure we did."
"Not really a fan of Christmas Eve?"
"Not really." Olivia felt thankful that someone was actually talking to her, loosening her tight mood a bit.
"Are you waiting for someone?" He asked, raising his eyebrow.
"Well- Yeah my boyfriend. Rafael."
"Yeah yeah I know who he is." Biken rolled his eyes. He seemed quite odd to Olivia, at times quite annoyed. Maybe it was his natural emotion, but Olivia thought nothing about it.
"And are you waiting for someone?"
"No. I'm enjoying my own company."
"So you're not a very sociable person?"
"And you are. And that's particularly why you're annoying."
"Oh wow okay?" She just chuckled, his words not really hitting deep. He just looked at her with his bushy eyebrows almost making a unibrow. It made Olivia cringe, but he was quite amusing to be with.
"Did I offend you?"
"No."
"Then I should've tried harder."
"You know you don't have to be such an ass all the time?"
His eyes only lifted up, but the expression on his face didn't change. Biken honestly resembled a cranky old man who's quite unhappy with his life, so he reflects it on other people. A shadow overcame her, as her hand was grabbed tightly by someone. By the grip she could've recognized it was Rafael, his cold hand and the veins reflecting.
"What are you doing here talking to this scumbag?" His voice was full of confidence, as his grip stayed clear on her hand. It even started to hurt a bit, but she enjoyed his protective side.
"It's just Biken-" She was instantly cut over as Rafael shoved her to the side.
"Listen here you airhead, find yourself someone else to "chit-chat" but not my fucking girlfriend, you got me you fucking worthless piece of shit?" His words were aggresive, by the tone of his voice Olivia could tell he wasn't exactly in a good mood. Biken facial expression didn't change, he didn't seem one bit intimidated, but he took a step back.
"You spit when you talk." Biken pointed out, as Rafael's eyes widened.
"My spit is worth more than you." He pointed out, grabbing Olivia's arm tightly to walk off to the side.
Rafael dragged her across a narrow street, as her heart beat intensified. She looked back to Biken walking off, but was instantly dragged over to the side by Rafael. She closed her eyes as her body slammed against the brick wall, aching for a bit. His hand gently brushed across her neck, cupping her chin so she'd look at him. Her deep brown eyes met his green ones, as she let out a breath of air. The smoke appeared, as she blinked slowly.
"You're mine. What gives you any permission to get with these type of guys?" He asked, his voice quite threatening. Truth be told she was used to his posessive outbursts. She sighed painfully, just looking down.
"Look at me. Don't you look down." He said, his voice not calming down, as his body moved closer. She lifted her head back up, but Olivia stayed quiet.
"I didn't do anything. We just-"
"Yeah right. All of you bitches talk like that."
It only hit her then that he was truly mad about it, that the blood rushing to his fists was far more than just him being nervous. She felt butterflies in her stomach, but they were the sick kind of ones. The ones filled with anxiety, painful pumps of her heart.
"Let's not do this..." She whispered quietly, trying to calm him down. Olivia was aware of his big anger issues, grabbing his face gently. "Let's not have a bad day today-" She whispered once again, her breathing intensifying.
"My reaction is completely normal." He said with a strict voice.
"You're not supposed to push me to-"
"What do you mean push you? You slipped out of my hold. Actually, it's quite a slippery road you dumb fucking-" He looked to the side, as Olivia watched the nerves on his head pop.
"Alright you didn't push me- I slipped okay? I slipped-" She kept comforting him, brushing her hands across his back as he breathed in and out. Deep down Olivia knew he pushed her, but he didn't mean it, right? What kind of love is shaped without some pain?
"I don't want you to be angry at me, please baby..." Her voice was calm and calculated, so much that it started to piss him off. Rafael looked back at her, with an unexpected smile appearing.
"I hope you didn't hurt yourself while slipping."
She stared at him for a moment, taking a deep breath. "No baby. Your hold caught me." She pulled a fake smile, though the pain still ached on her back. He gently kissed her cheek.
"You know I only freaked out, because I want you all for myself? You're very special to me. I brought you this as a Christmas gift." He smiled, his eyes glimmering as he took out a small box. Olivia's cheeks flushed red, as she watched the small present.
"Really? For me?"
"For you, my only."
The good thing about Rafael was that he didn't mind spending his money on her. No matter how much it cost, he'd buy her whatever she wanted. Olivia opened the box carefully, looking at a beautiful silver necklace. It had the infinity sign on it. She squeeled, hugging him instantly.
"Does that mean we're meant for all infinity?"
"What else could it mean?" He smirked a bit. Olivia had a very genuine smile flashing on her face, as snow started to fall from the sky. A snowflake landed on her nose, as she stared into his eyes, hers glimmering in response. No matter what he did, no matter how he acted, he always had a place in her heart. He was like a poison, already living and thriving in her system.
His car always smelt nice, fresh mint bouncing off his tongue. She enjoyed sitting beside him, even if they just sat in his car. It was an expensive car, one she adored quite a lot. He was passionate about cars, especially vintage ones. Olivia would pretend she's also into them, just to keep him somewhat company. Because he meant more than the world to her. His green eyes stared into hers as he rested his head back on his seat. "You're perfect." He whispered. It was like a bullet that would strike her heart each time he said it. She flushed a bright red, pushing a strand of her brown hair behind her ear.
"No..." She denied, but he rolled his eyes.
"How dare you say that Ollie?" His rich british accent made him even more attractive. She took off her coat, pulling herself on top of him. Olivia liked to dress according to his like, a plaid skirt, thigh highs even if it meant her legs were freezing. A sweater. Natural makeup. A french manicure. His cold hands rested on her back, burning her wound a bit. But she didn't flich, just so he wouldn't feel as bad. Her big eyes stared at him, as she sank her lips into Rafael. She wrapped her hand across his neck, passionately pulling herself on him. But he was quite unimpressed, just sloppily kissing her back.
"What's wrong..?" She whispered silently, but he just sighed.
"Just you know been thinking... All these other girlfriends be giving head and you know you... Don't really like it. But that's fine baby, I like you for you."
She pulled back for a moment. Does he think i'm a prude? "I can do head." She instantly mentioned, as he raised his eyebrow.
"Nah baby it's not like you, you don't like that"
"No, I love head." She rushed him, instantly grabbing hold of his belt. He just watched her, smiling softly.
"Are you sure Ollie?" He asked once again, but she didn't answer. In all honesty, Olivia hated giving head. It was quite disgusting for her, the thought of male genitalia in her mouth. But she didn't resist, after all she wanted to please him as he deserved it. She pushed down his jeans, as well as his boxers. For a moment Ollie stared at his bare dick, it almost made her gag. But she looked up at Rafael, who's smirk seemed to convince her. She took him all in, closing her eyes tightly as she had to endure the taste. It wasn't all bad, but she wasn't exactly fond of it. She felt his hand push on her head, to push her further down. Olivia wrapped her tongue around him, but in all honesty she just wanted to puke all over his dick. He didn't seem to be enjoying it much either, so he kept pushing her head down faster. She tried, tears forming in her eyes as she tried to pull herself together. The look on his face wasn't too pleased, as she tried to please him by moving her head faster. Olivia opened her eyes, and in the heat of the moment she noticed something glimmering on his back seat. It was a pink hair tie. Her heart immediately stopped, as she pulled herself from his dick instantly. It felt like someone had attached a rock on her heart for a moment.
"What's wrong Ollie?" He sounded annoyed and grunted afterwards.
The brunette stayed quiet for a bit, before gulping. Her eyes went wide, as the shocking feeling still stung her body. She parted her lips softly, but before saying a word Olivia sighed.
"Who's hair tie is over there?" She said, her lip shaking. Inside, she had hoped it was a normal reason other than him actually cheating on her.
"Did you actually cheat on me?" She let out, tears forming in her eyes. Rafael pulled his boxers up, rolling his eyes.
"I have a little niece." He sounded very aggrivated. Olivia's eyes popped open, as she sighed of relief. While she sighed, she felt a harsh slap on her cheek. Her face angled to the other side, as she didn't manage to process what had happened.
"How dare you fucking accuse me of cheating on you?!" He yelled in her face, grabbing it so she'd look at him. Now she was scared. Her heart pounded so much, that for exactly three seconds she had thought she was seeing her father in front of her eyes. Her cheek stinged with pain, as the tears poured down.
"I didn't- I'm sorry!"
"Oh now you're sorry. What a waste of a fucking girlfriend, can't even give proper head."
"I'm sorry- You just had been so bipolar all day I just-" She kept stuttering, as he held her face tightly.
"Bipolar?" He asked, making her heart sink once again.
"Not that I-l"
"Don't make me slap you again."
"You hurt me Rafael!" She blurted out, tears pouring down her face like a river. Her hands shaked, as well as her whole body as she tried to concentrate for a brief moment. He stared at her with a blank expression, letting her face go. Rafael just sighed, relaxing his head on the car seat.
"Right... I'm always the villain..." He whispered under his breath. Olivia sniffed, trying to brush her tears away.
"No- No...No you're not- You're right I overreacted-"
"Yeah I did too... But please let me be Olivia. Just go." He asked of her, not even looking towards the brunette. She started crying again, sobbing and whimpering. Olivia reached her hands out to hold his face, blaming herself for ruining their moments together. But his cold expression truly melted it all off.
"I love you." She whispered, but he didn't reply.
Olivia walked home by herself, crying the whole way there as her tears fell into the snow. The sky was dark and full of illusions, and once again she remembered that it was Christmas Eve. Entering home didn't feel like entering a safe place. Rather, more like a hideout spot, somewhere to stay away from the pain of the real world. She looked at the table that had a few candles lit on it, her little brother playing with toys. She heard Chase on FaceTime with Eloise. It hurt her once again, that she hurt him. Olivia stumbled by Chase's door, looking at him talk with Eloise. He seemed happy with her, she did too. Her brother noticed her peaking at the corner of his eye, excusing himself to Eloise. "You have been crying." He instantly pointed it out. "Real relationships hurt sometimes."
"You don't even need that dumb motherfu-"
"Please just- Be there for me." Olivia sighed, her tone sounded exhausted, like a plea for help. And for the first time, Chase actually listened. He called her over into his arms, wrapping them around her warmly. She let herself pour into him, the tears flooding down his shoulders as she cried.
"Hey- Atleast this Christmas Eve there's no dad."
Maybe he thought he comforted her, but really- Olivia's image of their dad was so distorted that it hurt to hear that.
"I know this might sound crazy. But I miss him."
Chase stayed quiet. Perhaps a small part of him understood her. Connor came over to them aswell, wrapping Olivia with a warm hug. And she thought for a moment, maybe it was good that Christopher wasn't here. Connor wouldn't have to experience the worst part of things, like Olivia and Chase did. The scar on top of his eyebrow was still there. The bruises on Olivia's back also. Maybe it's the poison of the men, maybe it's the curse of the Stiles children. Either way, Olivia was certain this was what love tasted like. It was meant to be painful. Love was meant to hurt.