Their eigth day went on casually. Other than the fact that both were suspicious of each other which created some weird tension, Billy made them breakfast, then had his session and they spent the rest of the day together. But they didn't talk. Both were in their heads and Billy knew Steve's weird quietness was all his fault.
He watched Steve go downstairs, quickly rushing out that he'd gotten tired of watching the programme. Billy wasn't even sure what it was, switching off the TV without looking up once. After the brunette had scurried away, he'd let his head fall into his hands. He'd said quite a number of curse words and restrained himself from punching the negative feelings away. Then he found the secret stash, again.
It was around three am when he finally headed down the stairs. It was quiet. He assumed Steve was asleep but didn't dare try to look, hating how he felt. His body was mad at him for drinking and he felt the need to be cooled down so he went right into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
"WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!"
"Billy...?" Steve moved to the bathroom, hesitant when he got close enough. After he'd sucked in a deep breath, he went in and found Billy with his back pressed against the wall, staring fearfully at the mirror. "Jesus, are you alright?"
He got no response. Billy's gaze was still strained on the mirror, unmoving and unblinking. Steve gently moved closer when he began to mumble "I can't go back", his hands tugging cruelly at his messy blonde hair. It took a moment but Billy finally registered that Steve's hand was on his shoulder, slowly looking up at him. Seeing Billy scared was an awful thing. He looked like a little child and Steve desperately wanted to whisk away all the bad memories and promise him everything would be alright. If only he could.
"Hey... Hey, Billy... That's right, look at me. It's Steve. You're going to be okay. I promise. I'm right here." Billy rose a hand slowly, not registering Steve's small gasp as he placed a hand on his cheek and stared quietly at his flushed skin for a moment.
"You're here... You're here. I'm... I'm not... Steve, is it on me? Is it... You told the doctor you know it's not here. But I killed so many people Steve, what if- fuck, what if I'm wrong? What if we're both wrong, what if- I should get more treatment time. I have to. We have to make sure it's dead, Ste-"
"Billy...? You didn't kill anyone. Don't think that. And you are in full control of your body right now. Full. Control. Look at your hands. Move your fingers. If that thing was there, you would feel it. The same way Will did. You would know. And it would probably have killed me by now, too." Billy smiled slightly and let his gaze flicker down to his fingers, the smile fading away as quickly as it had come. He felt tears in his eyes, not strong enough to wipe them away as he felt all his energy leave in a sudden swoop.
I should have died. I should have fucking died.
He pushed Steve away, getting to his feet. Steve locked eyes with him and arched a brow, leaving the restroom. Billy walked out after he'd berated himself for a bit, fidgeting with his fingers. It was rare to see the man nervous and he wasn't sure why.
"I... I'm drunk, Steve."
"Okay...?"
"I'm only doing this-" with a hiccup, he finished his sentence after he had plopped down beside Steve and wound both arms around his neck. "Because I'm super drunk. Only cos I'm drunk, that's all..."
"O-okay, Billy."
"I'm sorry. About everything. For punching you, for worrying you, for being a dick all the time... I'm sorry you have to share a room with me. I'm... Sorry I'm crying right now. Damn. I used to be so numb all the time. For the most part, anyway. Since the Mind Flayer, though, I've been getting emotional left and right. It must have fucked with my hormones or something..."
"Yeah, sure. Of course, Billy."
"I'm serious, Steve. Even if it's not still in me, maybe it's the remnants. Maybe that's why I said that... I said what I said yesterday." Steve froze up and Billy flinched as well, covering his face with his hands. He wiped the tears away quickly and steeled his expression, placing both hands on Steve's shoulder. Steve gave that little gasp again and Billy felt a familiar feeling flicker in his abdomen, letting out a low growl. "I feel like I'm going crazy. Fucking crazy, Steve. And... Look, I'm not... I'm uh..."
"Not gay?"
"Yeah. That."
"Alright. It wouldn't matter if you were anyway," Steve shrugged off as if he hadn't called his best friend in his panic right after Billy's little outburst. "It's not like I am either."
"Okay. Good. So we're on the same wavelength. Look, I'm... I'm glad you're my roommate, alright? It's been a week and you're the only reason this is bearable. I like listening to you ramble and rave and worry and I like how fucking stupid you are in every story you've told me. I do listen, even when I act like I'm annoyed. Fuck I'm going to regret all this when I'm not drunk. But we... We're good, right?"
Steve felt his entire face heat up, the intensity worsening when Billy hugged him again. Billy... Liked listening to him talk? He really was drunk but Steve found himself wishing the blonde would say things like this in his sober state, as well.
"Yeah, of course we're good. Always." He pat Billy's back awkwardly, hoping he would let go. The buffer man silently leaned onto his shoulder and eventually dozed off. Steve sat there, feeling almost paralysed as he felt Billy's hot breath melt his skin everytime the man exhaled.
He needed to get out of there. He really, really didn't want to wake him up, though. So he stayed still for fifteen minutes, hoping Billy was in deep slumber by then and gently placed his hands on the man's head, lowering it to his pillow. He pushed Billy's feet onto the mattress and smiled at his handiwork, placing a hand on his neck as he remembered the ticklish yet tingly feeling of the boy's warm breath.
His thoughts were honestly embarrassing, at this point. He quietly sank down into Billy's bed, warmed by the scent of him and felt the ghost of Billy's breath again, reminiscing how tightly his strong arms had squeezed when he hugged him. Steve dug his fingers into his hair like he'd seen Billy do only moments ago, not understanding where any of this was coming from.
"What the fuck is wrong with me, today? He gets to blame hormones and the Mind Flayer and being drunk so what's my excuse? What's my excuse...?" He considered calling his best friend. Then he stopped himself. It was early morning and she would kill him. Plus, this wasn't a big deal. A few strange body reactions didn't mean he liked a guy or anything. They were only just getting their friendship back on track, that would be weird and he was straight. As far as he'd always known, he was straight. He'd made serious effort all his life to avoid ever seeing a man in that kind of way, why would anyone do that unless they were straight?
He blamed Robin completely for putting this in his head. Completely. He set a mental reminder to complain to her about what she'd done but brushed that thought away too because she'd immediately catch on to the fact that he was starting to question his sexuality. Steve groaned a bit, breathing in Billy's pillow to calm himself down which only confused him further. These thoughts plagued him until he slept.
When Steve woke up, he was rather satisfied with the decision he'd made. Without even needing help, he'd assured himself he wasn't what he thought he was. He'd just gotten caught up in getting affection he wasn't used to from a drunken Billy, that was all. He'd only ever wanted women and that was really all he needed to know. When he heard Billy groan beside him, he shot up and moved closer instantly, worried out of his mind.
"Are you alright? Was it a nightmare?"
"No, St-"
"Is it the hangover-"
"Well yeah, actually-"
"Why'd you have to go and drink so much, you goof-" Billy gripped the back of Steve's neck and tugged him closer a bit harshly, brow arched when Steve let out a small squeak. The noises this boy could make, it was honestly irritating.
"Listen. I'm pretty sure this would hurt less if you would shut the fuck up. Alright, Harrington?" Steve nodded slowly. His body was tense but he felt it heating up as well, not daring to look Billy in the eyes. Besides, he had to hide the fact that he was blushing somehow so he ducked away and moved to Billy's bed, covering his head with the pillow.
Billy slowly rose from his position, rubbing his eyes. He realised Steve might have looked away since he was shirtless because he wasn't fond of seeing him near-naked for whatever reason. He couldn't see why, he had the body of a god and anyone who got to see underneath the layers was a lucky soul. Oh well, Steve was always weird so there was no point in prying. He hastened his steps to pull on a shirt and returned to his bed, sinking down into the mattress next to a tense Steve who was curled up in a ball.
"...buddy?"
"Mhmm?" Steve flinched the moment Billy touched him and got to hear the man growl, again. What the fuck had happened the night before? The alcohol was a good way to let loose and forget for the most part but it was always stealing some of the time from him. Didn't mean he wouldn't take more, he was desperate to forget, it's just the fact that Steve was always around that made drinking a dangerous game to play.
"I don't remember all of yesterday. What I do know is I got drunk and acted like a fucking fool. And for that, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay? Geez I swear to God I haven't apologised as much in my entire life as I have since we became roomies." Steve grinned and Billy noticed he'd relaxed a bit, chuckling quietly and giving his back a hard jab. Steve whined and kicked his leg back, trying to hit Billy who easily slid off the bed before he could reach. "Close but not enough. Now get off my bed, you're pissing me off."
Steve could hear the smile in his voice and slowly forced himself up, only just realising it was Billy's mattress he'd run off to. Still holding on tightly to the pillow, he pressed his back against the wall and Billy say next to him, doing the same. Their shoulders were touching again, their thighs as well and Steve felt a bit of a struggle trying to breathe, again. Did Billy really have to wear shorts and a tank top all the time?
"Yesterday was okay. You didn't do anything dumb, I promise."
"Things are hazy but I'm pretty sure I hugged you. Sounds stupid to me."
"I don't think so."
"Course you don't, you're all fruity and shit." Billy gave his back a hard pat and Steve rolled his eyes, still clutching his pillow tightly.
"I'm serious. What's wrong with two guys hugging? Absolutely nothing. You're just making it weird for no reason."
"You just wanna feel me up, doncha?"
"Pretty sure a guy would only he scared about hugging another guy if he was hiding a certain... Part of himself." That caused Billy to groan and facepalm at the notion alone.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean...?" He asked drily.
"Nothing, nothing! I'm just saying." And Steve gave an innocent shrug, ending it there. But he had the slightest smirk on his face. Billy never did like to be challenged. He was dragged by the arm quite suddenly and yelped when he slammed smack into Billy's chest, trying not to show his excitement. He really was affection-starved, he thought to himself, beaming at Billy when he pulled away.
"You're a piece of shit."
"Love you too, darling." He sassily flipped his hair and Billy just gave him a look like he was beyond crazy, shaking his head.
"You're definitely gay. No doubt in my mind."
"Shut up, weirdo. What if I am? You heteros are boring, anyway. Bet you'd be a shitty lay." Steve wasn't sure where that had come from. His body sparked with glee whenever he challenged Billy because you never really know what the blonde will do when you take a jab at him. Billy just stared at him, amusement in his eyes and darted his eyes over Steve's figure for what felt like the longest moment of Steve's life. He squirmed a bit, ending up giving in and shoving Billy away.
"What the hell, Hargrove?!"
"You're blushing. You can't hide from me, Steve. You're gay. Just say it. I promise I won't judge... Not anymore, anyway."
"Wh- you're the one who's gay! Jerk! Stop staring at me, you win, I won't tease you about it again God!" Billy actually hadn't been trying to stare that time. It was just nice seeing Steve laughing. He scratched the back of his neck and slowly looked away, nodding his head towards the latch.
"What do you think about some breakfa-" a voice came from his walkie talkie and Steve immediately lunged for it, grinning from ear-to-ear.
"Steve? Come in Steve. Steve Harrington, come i-"
"Right here, Dustin. What's up?"
"It's Will. His family might be moving away. And El, El's gonna go with them and... And..."
"Woah, slow down there buddy. Talk to me. What's wrong?" Billy watched Steve grip the device like his life depended on it, trying to grab every word. His fists clenched slowly and he walked over to the doorway out of there, climbing up and out.
When Steve joined him up, Billy was staring quite intensely at the food he was eating. He thought of asking what the eggs had ever done to him but paused when Billy gave him a quick, cold glance and said nothing. He cleared his throat, about to get it out of him when the scientists came by. And so, he let them take Billy, staring sadly on as he went down there.
Billy came up to finish eating, sliding his into the microwave. Steve was already through with his plate, washing up when their eyes met and it pissed him off all the more.
"We're meant to eat together."
"Well, yeah but those douche whities showed up."
"No, it's not because of them. You didn't come up early enough. Basically missed breakfast."
"Well I was talking to someone so-"
"We're meant to eat together. You could've told him you had to eat or something. Now you've eaten cold food because of course, you'd never bother to microwave it and I have to keep you from eating it cold all the time."
"He was really upset. I couldn't just leave him like that. Stop making it a big deal." Billy rolled his eyes. So did Steve. He didn't want another argument happening but it seemed it would occur whether he liked it or not. He could tell Billy was already rearing for an attack but he honestly had bigger things to worry about than moments of Billy's pointless raging. "Can we just eat, Billy?"
"You're honestly always acting like everyone's mom. Checking on them, worrying about them, feminine as well. No wonder it's so easy to tell that you're a fa..." He slowed himself, frozen when he realised where he was going. The old him would have finished that sentence. He'd hoped Steve would be proud of him for stopping but no, Steve's expression was blank.
"Why would you even..."
"Fuck- Steve, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I-"
Everytime he thought Billy wouldn't hurt him again, he went right ahead and did it. He knew he was a difficult person to be friends with, he knew Billy was working on being less homophobic but he didn't see why he would say something he knew cut him so deep over nothing at all. Steve tried to think of how he could possibly have provoked Billy's anger while the blonde just watched him apprehensively, waiting for a reply of some sort. Then he gave up on figuring it out, his thoughts on something else entirely.
"Look, I don't have time to babysit your anger and nurse your pretty ego right now. I don't have time to do this with you, again. I'm not in the mood. I am really, really not in the mood." Billy's heart sunk. He tried to find words to say, eventually replying in a weak, almost whiny tone.
"But I said I was sorry..."
"Just because you apologised doesn't mean I have to forgive you. I'm gonna go to my room."
"But-" Steve walked past, his steps sluggish and walked into the extra bedroom that had been meant for him at the start of their stay. He kind of wanted to slam the door but didn't have the energy to. He resisted the tears threatening to come and instead focused on his priority at the moment, thinking about Eleven and the Byers and how their little group would handle their absence. The kids were going to be distraught.
You have to stop doing this. You have to stop fucking everything up for no good reason. What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Self-deprecation didn't do anything to change what had happened but it made Billy feel better by making him feel worse. He glanced at Steve's door, wondering if he should bother him. Then he got another flashback to their drunken hangout and flinched, tearing his eyes away sharply. Maybe he just needed some time alone. They both did.
Billy went around the house a bit, then returned downstairs, resuming his daily ritual of drinking and feeling like shit for hours. The alcohol, as painful as it was comforting, sent the familiar burn down his throat. His mind didn't stop telling him how worthless he was. It was strange how he missed his father's beatings. Deep down, no matter how desperately he'd hope for it to end as his body was attacked again and again, he felt he deserved it. He'd always felt he'd deserved it. After all, it started because his father said he was the reason mom was gone and he fully believed him as a kid, even now he couldn't help but agree. He destroyed all he touched.
The hatch creaked open. He heard Steve's footsteps, blindly searching for his figure in the darkness. The alcohol and a few tears here and there had blurred his vision but it was definitely Steve. He snatched the bottle from Billy in the dark, taking a seat next to him. Billy knew how destructive he was. He knew all he could ever offer Steve was more worrying and more hurt. But he so desperately needed a distraction from his mind and Steve's warmth provided it. So they passed the bottle to each other in the dark, sharing yet another until midnight came and went.
Let's go unhealthy coping mechanisms~