For a moment, I wasn't quite sure if I was hallucinating.
I wasn't quite sure if I was truly seeing the girl who instantly eased the aching in my heart; the girl who had been stuck on my mind as I'd tortured myself over whether or not she would be alright; the girl whose smile was a better painkiller than the morphine running through my veins; the girl who still seemed too ethereal for me to behold, whose sparkling hazel eyes made everything feel okay again.
"Hey Juliet," I whispered, blinking back at her as she smiled, shutting the door behind her as she shuffled into the room, looking at me no differently than she used to despite seeing me at my weakest. Even then, part of me was still convinced I was dreaming – perhaps I was simply just imagining the pink hue across her cheeks and reddened tint to her shorter brown curls, or the way the air around us seemed to freeze as our eyes met, stars igniting in the distance between myself and the cause of my hurting heart.
I hated that I knew this was wrong; that I still had a conscious which was screaming at me to tell her to leave, and not make this any harder than it already would be. But basking in my selfishness one last time didn't seem like a terrible idea when her lips pulled up into a smile, replacing the crestfallen image I had imprinted in my mind from when she had fallen apart in my arms. Her brown curls seemed shorter, with some even completely gone, but she was still the same girl I had fallen for, and my guilt wasn't enough to overrule the sheer relief that enveloped me when she had first entered.
Maybe this was all just a side effect of the painkillers; maybe I didn't stand up from my bed and drop the book previously in my hands while she placed down the tray she was holding, our gaze never leaving each other's in those slowed down seconds that felt like entire galaxies died and were reborn as the green flecks in her hazel eyes remained focused on me.
"Hi Romeo," she whispered back, but maybe no sound even left her lips; I may have been imagining the soft tone of her voice and the way everything made sense again as she still called me by the name she knew me as. Maybe we didn't take those slow steps towards each other, my heart feeling like it was being pieced back together as the sweet sound of her voice filled in the cracks and made all the agony I'd endured worth it just to see her again.
Perhaps I was transfixed in a dream, and we didn't reach out for each other before collapsing into a hug, falling apart in each other's arms as all the pain and love and hardship and serenity of our time apart fused into our embrace. I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but holding her felt like being able to exhale after holding my breath in for so long, releasing the tension radiating through me as we moulded against each other.
It was as though we were both aware that neither of us were okay, and we didn't have to be, because as we held each other in those fleetingly evanescent moments, with her soft skin against my own and my arms wrapped endlessly around her, there was nothing that compared to the light that enveloped the two of us, shining through our darkness while nothing seemed quite as hopeless as it had before.
I wasn't quite sure if I was hallucinating, or if I really had Cassie stood here in my arms - but if none of this was real and it was simply all a dream, then I didn't want to wake up anytime soon.
"I'm so sorry," Cassie murmured, pulling away from me slightly as her hazel eyes flitted up to meet mine, scanning across my face and lingering over the obvious difference. Without my hood up I felt so exposed, and if she still had any doubts over who I was, seeing that I was bald would have cemented the unwelcoming fact that I was dangerously unwell.
"I'm sorry too," I murmured back, knowing she wouldn't understand the full implication of my words as I uttered the four solemn syllables, wishing she could know exactly what I was apologising for. It was a curse and a blessing to have her here with me; a morally challenging paradox which I had been battling throughout our time together, although even now, I still wasn't certain on whether or not I would be able to handle the inevitable fallout.
I was twiddling one of her curls between my pale blue-tipped fingers as she shrugged lightly in response, probably assuming I was referring to her noticeable change in hair length. Still, Cassie was more concerned about me as her gaze fell down to the cannula in my arm which I had needed for the IV drip I had in earlier. That, and the fact that my previously pale skin was bruised and tender, red patches blooming across my arms with cerulean rivers cascading down them.
Tabitha had come in a few minutes ago to remove the drip and get me something to eat, so I was no longer attached to the stand that had limited my movement, since I'd had to roll it along with me whenever I moved. Although, the frustration of arguing with Theo and not being able to see Cassie overpowered my need for food, and I'd left my tray discarded while distracting myself by reading until Cassie had entered. "I'm sorry you had to find out like this Cass," I began, "And I hate that I couldn't be there for you when-"
"It's okay Romeo," she smiled softly, dropping her head against my chest as she sighed, brushing off my concern. "I'm the one who told you not to tell me, remember?" I nodded even though she couldn't see me, feeling myself tense as I caught sight of the back of her head, the tender area of skin stitched up to fix the evidently deep gash that her newly sparse curls failed to cover up.
Before I could ask what had happened, she had already lifted up her head and met my gaze again, searching for answers that she deserved to finally know. "I have my own guesses, but... why exactly did you not want to tell me you were Will?"
I ran a hand over my head, sighing as I diverted my gaze away from her inquiring one. "What did you think?" I settled upon asking, figuring it couldn't hurt to know if she had already pieced some of it together.
"Well, I figured one reason you didn't tell me was because you thought I would have told you to go back to the hospital," she explained, the hesitation leaving her voice as I nodded, confirming her theory. "There was no way I would've let you stay with me that long if I'd realised... but I suppose you already knew that."
Although she was right, there were myriads of other reasons, and it wasn't as simple as saying a few words to explain my irrational need for everyone around me to be in denial that I was sick. I didn't know how to explain that I was scared to see pity adorn those hazel eyes of hers that I had grown to love; petrified that sorrow would infiltrate the stars we lit together and caution would overtake any opportunity for adventure.
"It doesn't change anything," she continued after a beat, filling in the silence that briefly fell. Her gaze on me remained patient as ever, but perhaps I was just seeing what I wanted to see, blocking out any hints of pity and convincing myself that everything would stay the same. Perhaps I was just allowing myself to be selfish: pretending like these four walls weren't the only place we could be together and acting as though I could stop the world for us when truly I knew that the time would keep ticking regardless of the stolen moments it would rob us of.
"I- I still care about you Romeo," Cassie spoke softly, as she moved her hand to the side of my face. Like she had done earlier on in the night, she gently raked her thumb across my pale-blue lips, as though to remind me that the time we had spent apart was insignificant compared to the stars we had created together. It had been at the park when she'd first noticed the abnormality, yet now it was merely ubiquitous to her as she continued speaking, "Regardless of your name or an illness, or anything about you, I care."
"You sure about that?" I muttered, stepping out of her hold as I moved back to drop down onto my bed away from the warmth she radiated, feeling a slight pain in my joints as I did so, although it wasn't nearly as harsh as before. Cassie remained standing, unsure of what to do or say as she hovered in her spot and reached up to fiddle with one of her curls but grasped at air until she lifted her hand high enough to hold onto one between her fingers.
"What are you so afraid of, Romeo?" Cassie questioned, causing my gaze to snap up to hers as she crossed her arms, though still keeping her tone gentle as she sent me a pointed look. "I'm standing right here, because last night you showed me that I can rediscover who I am without my pain. I'm still learning who I am, but one thing that I'm certain of is that... you mean something to me," she admitted, her tone quieter as her hazel eyes focused unwaveringly on me. "And I'm not sure of a lot of things right now Romeo, but I know that I... that I care about you."
Like a bittersweet melody to my ears, her words eased the aching in my heart yet worsened the guilt swarming in my stomach. I never meant for her to care for me, and seeing her glance down at me with absolute resolution to her words, I couldn't help but wonder how things got so complicated. I knew I shouldn't have been selfish and allowed myself to fall, because seeing her completely ignorant of the chaos set to unfold felt like self-inflicting torture, setting myself up for my demise and yet still doing it anyway.
"You shouldn't," was all I managed to say, keeping my gaze low. My breath got caught in my lungs, not from feeling unwell but from the sheer strength it took for me to utter those words. I was holding myself back from spilling all of the ways she made me feel like I was living; how she was the only person I'd been wanting to be close to ever since I watched her disappear from view on the train.
"Why not?" she retorted, failing to catch my eye as my gaze travelled across the room, lingering over her journal as it rehashed memories that passed by in a blink before I glanced down at the ground.
"You care too much, Cassie."
"And that's a bad thing?" she countered, feeling the weight of her gaze upon me as she spoke. "What are you trying to say, Romeo?"
"How am I not just a cancer kid to you?" I finally asked, well aware of how pathetic my rhetorical question sounded as it hung in the tense air between us, letting out a heavy sigh while holding onto the sides of my head. "I'm not just a charity case? A dying kid?"
"You're a living one," Cassie stated, no room for disagreement in her tone as she stepped forward, crouching down in front of me and resting her hands on my shoulders. "You told me so many times during the night that my pain doesn't define who I am, and neither does yours."
I shook my head, breaking her gaze as I felt myself lose composure, dropping my head down again as I felt all my insecurities rise to the surface. "But do you... do you even see me anymore?"
Her eyebrows furrowed as she blinked at me, nodding, "Of course I do-"
"No, but I mean really," I interrupted, vulnerability dripping from my words as I kept my gaze down, unable to bring myself to see my downcast reflection in her eyes. "Theo- Theo can't stand me, because to him I'm his reckless brother who's hurting everyone else and himself- he doesn't see me how he used to and- and what if you don't see me how you used to?"
"Romeo-"
"Cassie," I cut in, echoing her tone, "I've had to watch everyone who knew me become people who now only associate me with cancer. And today- today, Theo argued with me because I was trying to hold onto what was left of me that wasn't defined by my cancer: the thing is Cass, you're telling me not to define myself by my pain, but the problem was never about how I saw myself-" I paused abruptly, letting out a heavy breath as Cassie reached out for my hands, interlinking our fingers together. "It was about other people and how they defined me."
I stared down at our entwined fingers, finding the contrast of my pale-blue fingertips against her soft skin almost laughable, just another reminder of what my selfishness would irrevocably lead to. Placing my other hand over hers, I found myself drawn to tracing shapes on the back of her hand again, transported back to when we had been together on the bridge during the early morning, when our ignorance felt like palpable bliss and neither of us were as much of a mess as we were now.
"Do you want to know how I define you, Romeo?" Cassie spoke quietly, catching my attention as she tilted my head up slightly, urging me to look at her. "I can't speak for other people, but to me? You're so full of empathy and understanding, yet you still manage to sound so hopeful in the midst of darkness. You're the star that keeps shining no matter how grey and dark and murky it seems, and nothing you can tell me – not your name, or an illness – will ever be able to dim that light I see whenever I look at you."
Each word she spoke felt like the knife was twisted deeper into my flesh, hurting me and healing me as she cupped the side of my face, tilting it upwards so I would have no choice but to look at her. It was only when her hazel gaze was nothing but a blur that I realised there were tears in my eyes, slipping ever so soundlessly down my face as my hands trembled around hers, the silent storm inside me seeking any possible outlet to escape.
"I see you," she whispered, wiping the falling streams from my cheeks as my hazy vision focused on the different shades in her hazel eyes, all blending together in the blur while her lips pulled upwards into a sanguine smile. "I see you, Romeo."
Cassie wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me to her, letting me cry on her shoulder as I felt everything crash down around me, releasing the tsunami I'd been holding back since my conversation with Theo; this time I was the one who felt myself break, and Cassie was the one to hold me together. "I'm- I'm sorry Cass, I-"
"Don't apologise," she interrupted, her tone gentle as she kept her arms around me, still knelt down in front of me as her voice flitted just past my head. "You're the one who taught me that Romeo; that I should never apologise for the way my mind works. You really should follow your own advice, you know."
My eyebrows raised slightly at her words, and I pulled back slightly to look at her. "You remember that?"
She rolled her eyes, smiling at my confusion as she wiped the remaining tears from my cheeks, her hands lingering on the sides of my face as she spoke. "Of course I remember, Romeo. It's not something I would forget, especially since it came from you."
I stared back at her incredulously, watching as she shook her head to herself, before moving to sit next to me on the bed and dropping her head down on my shoulder. "You helped me save myself Romeo, and in doing so you made me realise that you're a light I never knew I needed. So, in the moments where you feel at your lowest and your most misunderstood, I will try to be that light for you, and will try my best to remind you of what you taught me."
"But what if some parts of me are just..." I trailed off, unsure of how to articulate the words I was so afraid of speaking aloud, "What if I reveal something outside of who you think I am? What if you realise what Theo did, and your perception of me changes, and you start seeing me differently?"
Cassie let out a small sigh, threading her fingers through mine again as she gave my hand a squeeze. "You saw so many sides to me in our time together, and not once did you judge me; no matter how many sides I see to you, not once will I judge you."
It was then, with her hand in mine as the words she spoke felt like another dose of morphine coursing through my blood, that I realised I didn't want to let go of this - of Cassie, of how she made me feel - and if being selfish meant that I would get to make more memories with her, then I wouldn't regret a second of it.
I would handle the inevitable demise I was orchestrating, and I would face it knowing that I had been selfish in order to spend more time with the girl I loved.
"You won't judge me?" I repeated, more of a statement of assurance to myself rather than a repeated question back to her. I had never felt more exposed than I had here with Cassie, being brutally honest and open with each word I spoke. "Even- even the really dark parts?"
"Well, they won't be dark anymore," Cassie amended, "Because we'll create stars to shine for an infinite amount of time, until eventually, through the darkness, you'll see the light that I see when I look at you."
(A/N) I suppose one of the reasons I love writing AYO so much is because I essentially write about myself and use characters in order to do it. This story was meant to be finished 7 chapters ago but I kept adding and adding and adding to the plot, because I think a part of me is scared to let go of Romeo and Cassie.
That would mean actually having to face how I feel, instead of hiding behind characters.
- T.R.