Maddie
"I'm just saying..." Maya giggles like we're back in high school again, bouncing Izzy on top of her knee. "You can't tell me that this doesn't seem just a little bit like fate."
"This is not fate, Maya. I got pregnant because we were stupid and didn't use protection. It's science."
I'm scrubbing aggressively at the kitchen counter to make sure everything looks spotless. Cameron should be arriving in about an hour or so, and thankfully Maya woke up early this morning to come over and help me watch Izzy. I needed to deep clean.
"Regardless, I think you guys are meant to be together. Despite what happened."
"You mean despite the fact that I hid a whole child from him?" I arch a brow up and let out a frustrated sigh. "I messed everything up between us again, and at some point, I have to wonder if it's fate that we not be together."
"But you want things to work out," she implies.
"Says who?"
Maya turns to look at Izzy and makes her voice all high-pitched and baby-like. "Your mommy is delusional," she says sweetly. "She's been scrubbing the same spot for ten minutes now, but if she says she doesn't want things to work out then I guess we should listen to her."
Rolling my eyes, I finally put the sponge back on the side of the sink. Izzy is reaching out to Maya's nose ring that she's so obsessed with, but Maya grabs onto her hand to hold it instead.
She truly has been the most incredible best friend since I've had my daughter. It's funny because taking one look at Maya you wouldn't think she'd be so good with kids. Since we've left high school she's gotten multiple piercings, a full sleeve of tattoos on her left arm, and the tips of her black hair change to a different color of the rainbow every month.
"Don't you have better things to worry about?" I ask. "Like planning a wedding?"
"Planning a wedding is stressful. I'm much more invested in the you-and-Cam situation."
"There is no Cam and me," I mutter. "After the fight, our main focus is Izzy right now. I'm not worried about anything else at this point."
"If you say so," she sings, clearly not believing me.
Knocks on my apartment door echo into the room, and my eyes grow wide. He wasn't supposed to be here for another hour. What in the hell is he doing here so early?
"Oh my god." I start to panic, my hands immediately going up to my hair. "I haven't even done my hair or my makeup yet."
Maya stands up from the barstool, giving a quick kiss to Izzy's cheek before she passes her over to me. "And you say it's all just for Izzy." She giggles, becoming serious when she notices how frightened I am. "You are going to be fine, Maddie. Cameron has literally seen you at rock bottom. Don't you remember back in freshman year when he and Ethan made you look like a man with a sharpie marker? You couldn't get the beard off for a week."
This causes me to laugh, and in seconds I find my anxiety dissipating. She's right. Cam has seen me at my worst plenty of times before. This is no different.
He knocks again, and Maya grabs her purse off the counter. "Just relax," she says. "I love you. You've got this. But I swear to god if you don't call me later tonight to tell me how things go then I'll never forgive you."
Maya opens the door, and Cam seems surprised to see her. "Oh, hey!" He smiles and gives her a quick hug. "I didn't know you'd be here today too. How have you been?"
"Oh, I'm just leaving." She says smugly. "Don't worry. You will have all of the alone time with your girls as you please today."
"Maya," I warn, but Cam can't seem to wipe the grin off of his face, clearly catching onto what she's trying to do.
"Bye!" She laughs, and when she's out the door I hear her call, "love you mean it!"
Cam shuts the door quietly behind him, his eyes becoming a lighter shade of green when he sees Izzy.
"Do you want to hold her?" I ask. "I haven't made her breakfast yet."
He nods eagerly, smiling down at her when she's in his arms. It's funny because normally Izzy is shy when it comes to strangers, but she seems so at ease with Cameron. She's happy with him.
Cam takes a seat at one of the barstools, giving me an apologetic look. "I'm sorry if I came a little early," he admits. "Truthfully I just couldn't wait to spend the day with her. I also wanted to see what her daily routines are and stuff so I can get used to them too."
"Okay." I smile and grab a banana out of the fruit bowl. "Well, for starters her favorite food is bananas."
"Oh yeah?" He grins widely at her. "Well, Izzy, I like bananas too."
Taking a knife out of the silverware drawer, I slice the banana up into pieces and pass the plate over to him so he can give her some. "I'll make her an egg while you feed her that."
"Scrambled?" He asks.
I nod, attempting to hide my smile from how cute he's being. I love that he's taking the effort to get to know her routines, but then again, why wouldn't he? It's not like he was a deadbeat dad. He didn't know about her because of me. I'm the one that did this.
I'm in sweatpants and an old t-shirt that definitely has a stain on it from last night at dinner when Izzy threw her spaghetti on me. My hair is in a messy bun, no makeup, but I keep reminding myself that Cam has seen me like this before.
As the eggs cook in the pan I pour her sippy cup with some milk. "You can put her in the high chair if you want," I add. "She can feed herself."
"I'm okay," he says, handing her another piece of banana. "Holding her is good."
He continues to feed her as I make us all some eggs, and as I pour them onto two different plates I start to realize how easy this could have been. If he had just been honest, or even if I had just been honest. We could have had these mornings all the time together. We could have been a family.
We eat breakfast peacefully, Cam's eyes meeting with mine a couple of times, speaking so much without having to say anything. The connection won't ever fade between us, but we both know it's not smart to act on it. It didn't work out so well the last time.
"Mama," Izzy pleads and extends her hands out to me, Cam's mouth dropping open in shock.
"Oh my god!" He laughs. "She talks?"
"Mama," Izzy repeats.
I walk over to Cameron, seeing her hands extend out to me once more. "What, baby girl? You want me?"
She smiles and lets out a little giggle when I take her from Cameron so that he can eat his breakfast too. I keep her on my hip and start the sink up to do the dishes. "She only says a few words, but yeah. Her voice is so cute."
"I've got those," Cam says sternly when I pick up a dish.
"It's fine," I reply. "I can do it."
"Mads, go relax with her. You cooked the breakfast. I can clean it up."
For once I'm going to accept the help, so I sigh in defeat and bring Izzy into the living room. Her play mat is still on the floor from yesterday, so I set her down and turn on the television.
"Does she have a favorite show?" He asks.
"Oh yeah." I giggle. "Mickey mouse clubhouse, Cocomelon, or any Disney movie with music. She loves music."
I choose Encanto for her before I meet Cameron back in the kitchen. We can both still see her from here as she stares up in wonder at the television, rocking back and forth on all fours.
"It's weird..." He shakes his head as he starts on the dishes. "I feel like I can't refer to myself as her dad. I just came into her life, you know? Isn't it weird to call myself that?"
"No. I mean, maybe if you chose not to be a part of her life. It's not going to upset me if you call yourself her dad. You are her father, and I want her to know you."
He nods silently, seeming like a lot is on his mind as he finishes up the dishes. I know he's upset. He doesn't have to tell me that for me to realize. I know him better than probably anyone. I could read him from across the room.
After the dishes are done he heads into the living room. "Well, what do we have here?" He gasps, fake surprised as he sinks down beside her and grabs onto the little turtle that she loves. "Do you have a name for him?"
She actually pulls her attention away from Encanto to stare at him, which is extremely rare, with a tiny smile on her face.
"We don't?" He asks. "Well, we need a name for him, right?"
Picking her up so that she's now sitting in his lap, he twirls the turtle around in front of them before he pretends that the turtle is swimming. He dives it up into the air, swooshing back down before he makes it kiss her nose. Izzy completely eats up the attention, erupting into a fit of giggles. "Daddy thinks we should call him... squishy." He says. "I think that's a good name, don't you?"
I shouldn't be feeling so sad. I know I can't go back and change things, but if I had known that he had always wanted me then there never would have been this time-lapse. I know that a part of that is my fault too, but damn. I wish things could have been different.
Thinking about the past isn't going to change anything though. Cameron is here now, and Izzy loves him. That's what I have to focus on.
Grabbing some paper towels, I dab the tears that have fallen onto my cheeks and join them both again in the living room.