Yes, what we shared left a much deeper mark in me than I wanted but I also had good reasons for that - we were connected on some deeper levels. The problem still was that I had a struggle to cope with the emotions that the past six months has been causing me. I felt so much hate against myself because I spent too much of my own energy to take care of you while I was on the edge of the breakdown and I did not focus on me at all at that time. I hated that I let you drain me emotionally but I loved you and I just wanted that you'd feel better... So that we could be better. I wanted us to be better but like you said.. The price you paid in order to be successful in your career was our love and the price I paid in hope that I could fix you was the life I wanted to live. It's not like Daniel was my second choice. If I had never met you, he'd be my one and only choice because there wouldn't be anyone else to mess up with my heart. Nothing would interrupt my happiness with him and I could focus on planning the wedding. Right now scrolling the wedding dresses seemed to be impossible. They were all pretty and I had some kind of idea of what I wanted but right now the whole action was giving me more headache than pleasure.
After finally receiving some feedback for my research paper I pushed the laptop further away from me, stood up and went to get my water bottle from my bag. Again that stupid sound the cap did made me to squint my eyes like it would somehow mute the sound. While taking small sips from the bottle, I walked back to my desk and with my left hand's index finger I checked if the cactus I had in a small green plant pot needed any water. The soil was dry so I poured a little bit of water into it, after which for some unknown reason I touched the spikes the plant had.
"Ouch.." I pulled my finger away but then I repeated it.. Gently I moved my finger closer to the cactus and slowly I touched it again. This time I knew what to wait so the pain wasn't so bad. Would it be like this with you too? The first time was painful as hell but if I'd give it another try, I'd know what to wait and be more prepared? Maybe tomorrow would bring some clearance because that was when we were going to meet again so we could figure out the thing between us. The third time touching the spike was almost like touching cotton, it did not hurt at all. Or I was just too numb to feel it. Luckily I had no clients today because I was too numb to deal with them too. Paper work felt easier to handle right now. The water bottle found a place on the corner of my desk and figured that I should go see Veera. I hadn't talked with her since Saturday evening's events but I felt like I needed to apologize to her one more time because I had no right to be so moody against her.
"Come in!"
I pushed Veera's door open, stepped in and closed it behind me.
"Hi..." I smiled and walked closer to the armchair she had next to her desk. The blonde woman lifted her eyes up from the screen and looked at me smiling.
"Hi, how are you feeling?" She lowered the lid of her laptop and leaned her back against the backrest. I sat on the armchair and let out a little unsure laugh.
"Headache is gone but I still feel a little... Tenuous, you know... Like I can feel wind blowing through me... "
Veera laughed and reached for her bag, soon after she threw a muesli bar for me.
"Thanks..." I smiled and started to tear open the package. While I was busy with the package, Veera kept looking at me and I could feel how she was slowly turning into a huge question mark. She was a smart woman and had no problem with reading people, especially couples, so I can be sure she had noticed something between me and Joel.
"Ask away... "I took a bite from the muesli bar and Veera let out a little hesitating chuckle. She knew. I was so sure she had guessed the game.
"Clearly it is not my business but.. I could sense a lot of tension between you and... Joel.. You don't need to say anything if you don't want to but.. Was he the one..?"
I froze in motion for a moment before I bit through the bar again. While chewing the mix of nuts, raisins and oatmeal I tried to think what to say even though she already knew most of the story so I don't know what I tried to hide anymore from her. There was no point to do that anymore.
"Umh.." I swallowed and nervously played with the sticky package I still had in my left hand.
"Yeah... Joel is my ex..."
Veera's eyes widened and she slowly covered her mouth with her right hand. I bit my lip and hoped that she wouldn't ask any further questions but knowing her, she would definitely ask something.
"Oh damn..." Veera whispered and stood up. She started to walk in circles around the room, right hand on her hip, left hand under her chin. Oh damn indeed. So now she knows little more about our story than she is supposed to. I preferred that it would have stayed as a secret but the way we acted towards each other at the bar was not left unnoticed to Veera, who mainly did the couple's counsellings. For her our situation seemed to be obvious but I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say. She was good at what she did but the issues we had were more complex and there was still this little piece of information that she did not know.
"I can see why you are having hard times of letting go..." She said after stopping in front of the window.
"It's more complex than you think..." I sighed, stood up and walked to the bin where I threw the empty muesli bar package.
"I can imagine... Dating a famous guy can be difficult.. Or that's what I guess.." Veera followed my movements as I walked back to the armchair and sat down. Famous or not, you were still my client and that was the main problem.
"Veera... The thing is that he.. " I knew that she would be bothered by the topic even more from now on so I felt that I should just trust her with the bombshell because this was getting too hard for me to carry alone. All the monsters from my past had joined into this reunion and I needed one more shoulder to lean on that did not belong to Dan.
"Yes..?" Veera asked carefully and leaned against her desk, her face slowly started to be painted with all the different colors of confusion. She will be the second person ever I tell this and I already felt how the words got stuck into my throat. I inhaled deeply and supported my elbows against my knees and buried my face into my palms for a moment before I felt that I was ready to tell her what the case was between us.
"Joel... He... " I started and tried to overcome the fear of confessing the truth. Although I knew she would understand because feelings and emotions are sometimes very strong and it is impossible to stand against them, sometimes thinking back to how it started felt like the biggest crime I have ever committed and meeting you again was the punishment.
"He was my client when we met..."
Silence. Veera looked at me without blinking her eyes even for once and I felt like I had done something so wrong again. Did I feel better now? Not really. Even worse to be honest.
"Seriously?" She finally asked and I just nodded, what else I could say anyway. That was the truth and it was out for her now.
"Well shit.. "
"Indeed.. So.. Yeah.. Now you know.. I fell in love with my client..." I stood up and walked to the window. The fresh air hit my face and it felt a little refreshing after yesterday's hangover.
"Daniel doesn't know, right?" Veera asked and I whispered a silent no as an answer. He deserves to know.. Not only the stuff with Joel but about my childhood too because there was this small risk that the monster can catch me too like it caught my mom. With the right medication schizophrenia could be handled and I could keep on living a normal life but.. I should not step in front of things. I have not been diagnosed and I don't have any symptoms. Talking to you in my mind is not a sign of that... Or is it?
Veera was still a little shocked about the news and I had nothing else to say either. All I could do was to spill some tears and hate myself for still being in love with you.
"Here..." Veera handed me the tissues and I covered my face with the thin, two layered white papers.
"Agnes.. I do have time now if you need to talk..." Veera sat behind her chair and I kept wiping away my tears. That sounded inviting and I was sure that it would make me feel a little better. She had seen what things were like between us. She felt the tension and she fucking guessed it so I might as well pour out thing or two from my heart.
"So after I met him at Dan's friend's party... I unblocked him and asked him over so he could talk... And he was over on Friday also.. But.. " I started and took more tissues to dry my eyes.
"Then.. Before he left.. He walked to me, wrapped his hands around me and just let his lips run up and down my neck, after what he told me that he misses us.. " That was all of course in a nutshell but I'm sure she is able to put the whole picture together in her head.
"Do you miss him..?"
"I do... I miss what we had, Veera.. Even though it was painful in the end, the love that I felt with him was something so... Passionate.. It was so different compared to what I have with Daniel...I mean, I do love Dan and I cannot wait to be his wife but.. This whole thing with Joel just fucks it all up for me, you know.. There's like this silent voice in my head that keeps telling me to go back to him.." I kept crying and at this point I did not give a damn about my make up being ruined. The tissues were all black from my mascara and I was scared to see how I looked but knowing Veera, she would have some make up remover with her anyway.
"Okay.. What does your heart want?" Veera asked and I could see from her face that she was trying so hard to think of something helpful to say but if I struggled with it, so would she. If I did not know how to help myself, how can I expect others to know?
"My heart is just as confused as I am.. Also.. We... We decided that we have to meet and talk about.. Us.. To sort things out even though I'm not so sure how it goes.. When I left him, I still loved him and the feelings never died so I don't know if I come out alive from this.. " I sighed and hit my head against the backrest.
"Well.. What I saw at the bar was pretty obvious.. He is still in love with you, Agnes. The way he looked at you and how hurt he looked when you kept ignoring him.. I remember you telling me that he missed talking to you and honestly, it shows.. I think it is a good idea to meet with him and try to figure out where you two stand for each other.. But I can't tell you what to do or how to choose who you want to be with. That is the decision you need to make based on how you feel.." Veera spoke and hearing that she supports the idea to meet you gave me a little more courage to actually do it, but I was afraid. Without Dan I felt powerless.
"That's not all..." I looked at Veera and she raised her eyebrows. I sighed deeply and bit my lip.
"He stayed the night after I left the bar.. He helped me home because I was in such shitty shape and apparently I fell asleep in the taxi.. So he helped me up and in the morning I woke up and he was there, caressing my cheek and playing with my hair." Why did that sound like we had done something so wrong? Veera's eyes got even bigger than they already were and she was probably thinking the worst option but quickly I told her that it was not what she thought it was.
"Oh girl.. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.. When are you going to meet him?"
"Believe me, I don't wanna be in my shoes either.. But I agreed to meet him tomorrow after work. There are so many things that were left unsaid once I left so.. It would be only fair for both of us to sit down and talk..."
Veera nodded in agreement and I felt a little bit relieved. But that feeling was of course only for a moment. As soon as I left Veera's office the reality hit me and I rushed back to my office. Meeting you because of a personal matter is scaring the hell out of me.
A/N: So... Agnes finally told Veera about her relationship with Joel, but she is still hiding it from Dan.. How long she continues doing that, tho.. ?
And as always, million thanks for the reads, votes and comments ♥♥
Next one up on Thursday!