When the Dark Takes Over │Joel Hokka

26. Too numb to feel

Yes, what we shared left a much deeper mark in me than I wanted but I also had good reasons for that - we were connected on some deeper levels. The problem still was that I had a struggle to cope with the emotions that the past six months has been causing me. I felt so much hate against myself because I spent too much of my own energy to take care of you while I was on the edge of the breakdown and I did not focus on me at all at that time. I hated that I let you drain me emotionally but I loved you and I just wanted that you'd feel better... So that we could be better. I wanted us to be better but like you said.. The price you paid in order to be successful in your career was our love and the price I paid in hope that I could fix you was the life I wanted to live. It's not like Daniel was my second choice. If I had never met you, he'd be my one and only choice because there wouldn't be anyone else to mess up with my heart. Nothing would interrupt my happiness with him and I could focus on planning the wedding. Right now scrolling the wedding dresses seemed to be impossible. They were all pretty and I had some kind of idea of what I wanted but right now the whole action was giving me more headache than pleasure.

After finally receiving some feedback for my research paper I pushed the laptop further away from me, stood up and went to get my water bottle from my bag. Again that stupid sound the cap did made me to squint my eyes like it would somehow mute the sound. While taking small sips from the bottle, I walked back to my desk and with my left hand's index finger I checked if the cactus I had in a small green plant pot needed any water. The soil was dry so I poured a little bit of water into it, after which for some unknown reason I touched the spikes the plant had.

"Ouch.." I pulled my finger away but then I repeated it.. Gently I moved my finger closer to the cactus and slowly I touched it again. This time I knew what to wait so the pain wasn't so bad. Would it be like this with you too? The first time was painful as hell but if I'd give it another try, I'd know what to wait and be more prepared? Maybe tomorrow would bring some clearance because that was when we were going to meet again so we could figure out the thing between us. The third time touching the spike was almost like touching cotton, it did not hurt at all. Or I was just too numb to feel it. Luckily I had no clients today because I was too numb to deal with them too. Paper work felt easier to handle right now. The water bottle found a place on the corner of my desk and figured that I should go see Veera. I hadn't talked with her since Saturday evening's events but I felt like I needed to apologize to her one more time because I had no right to be so moody against her.

"Come in!"

I pushed Veera's door open, stepped in and closed it behind me.

"Hi..." I smiled and walked closer to the armchair she had next to her desk. The blonde woman lifted her eyes up from the screen and looked at me smiling.

"Hi, how are you feeling?" She lowered the lid of her laptop and leaned her back against the backrest. I sat on the armchair and let out a little unsure laugh.

"Headache is gone but I still feel a little... Tenuous, you know... Like I can feel wind blowing through me... "

Veera laughed and reached for her bag, soon after she threw a muesli bar for me.

"Thanks..." I smiled and started to tear open the package. While I was busy with the package, Veera kept looking at me and I could feel how she was slowly turning into a huge question mark. She was a smart woman and had no problem with reading people, especially couples, so I can be sure she had noticed something between me and Joel.

"Ask away... "I took a bite from the muesli bar and Veera let out a little hesitating chuckle. She knew. I was so sure she had guessed the game.

"Clearly it is not my business but.. I could sense a lot of tension between you and... Joel.. You don't need to say anything if you don't want to but.. Was he the one..?"