when we were young

jean's confession

author's note

TRIGGER WARNINGS

mentions of blood, death, physical fighting

☼ y'all i'm so excited for you guys to read this chapter omfg this has been my favorite one to write ASFHSKDSJ

☼ uh grab tissues, that's all imma say LOL

☼ if yall dont follow my insta wtf are you doing LOLOLOL @retroackermanS , I post all sneak peaks and updates there. all of my other socials are the same as here (@ retroackerman) tumblr, tik tok, and spotify :)

☼ thank you all so so much for reading it means so much to me. i hope you all love this chapter, pls lemme know what you think!! i love talking to all of you and answering questions!!

☼ OKAY ENJOY AHHHHH

———————-

[play fourth of july by sufjan stevens]

You couldn't sleep the entire night after your encounter with Armin.

It wasn't because of the kiss and it wasn't because of the pouring rain that continued all the next day. What kept you up was the consistent pounding in your head throughout the night. And the more you thought about Armin and kissing him, the worse it got.

You thought about what Reiner said to you a few days ago. How you going around this camp and kissing people couldn't be good for you. Of course you took his words metaphorically but right now they were hitting too literally.

Who knew kissing Armin would take such an awful physical toll on you?

Your mood swings were also getting terrifying as the night carried on. One moment, you felt like throwing up with an overwhelming sense of guilt.

Guilt?

Who knows why you were feeling that. The best explanation could probably be because of the artificial morals Marley drilled in your head about these island devils before you arrived here. And kissing them, not once but twice definitely did not align with their beliefs, even if you did agree with them.

But even if that was true, why were you so willing to kiss Jean that night on the cliff? You knew deep down you were slowly losing grip on Marley's morals the longer you stayed on this island. But that just made you wonder if they ever stuck with you to begin with.

The next minute you would feel nothing.

It was just a meaningless kiss.

Armin just caught you at a vulnerable time and you were looking for a safe space. You were upset over Jean's shitty apology and overall just being alive here so who wouldn't go for a kiss with someone as cute as Armin?

None of it wasn't making sense though. You used to think Armin was so cute. Shit, he was even on a mental top three list in your head for most attractive individuals here. So what the fuck was your problem? Maybe it wasn't Marley's morals or an issue of liking anyone.

Maybe it was because you had that talk with Reiner and contradicted all of the advice he gave you. You hated it more than anything to admit, but in a way Reiner was becoming your safe space. He was becoming the only constant in your fucked up life and your attachment issues were already clinging on to him just from one conversation you had with him about Jean over a campfire.

But there was something just so comfortable with Reiner that you knew you couldn't get with Bertholdt or Annie. At this point, you knew Annie was done with you until she felt like coming to you herself. As for Bertholdt, you two hadn't bonded since you were both seven and you taught him how to spell his own name because he had no idea how, despite being in school for two years.

It's funny to think about now but looking back on it, how the fuck did Bertholdt go that long in school without knowing how to spell his own name? It made you wonder how the fuck Marley ended up choosing him to inherit the most important titan but you never questioned it.

Growing up, you thought Reiner was the most pathetic person in training camp because of his rankings and how lowly he presented himself. But as time went on and being in the position you were currently in, you now understood how wrong you were.

Reiner was excelling here.

He was starting to remind you of yourself back in Marley. Shit, here in the cadets Reiner would probably end up ranking above you at this point.

You two watched each other grow up. Who Reiner was now in the cadets, a model soldier and a friend to all, was exactly who he wanted to be in Marley. In a way, you're happy for Reiner that he could live out those dreams here, even if it all was a lie.

Maybe you and Reiner were just two sides of the same coin.

Wanting to feel accepted here in the ways you weren't in Marley. And maybe that's what Annie and Bertholdt couldn't stand about you two anymore.

You couldn't help it and maybe Reiner couldn't either.

You two just wanted to be loved. Sure, you both looked for that love in different ways, but you knew without a doubt that's all you two wanted.

Reiner looked for that love platonically amongst all of the cadets here. He was becoming a brother figure to everyone. The way he'd talk to everyone, always lend a helping hand and how hard he tried with training here. You could tell he was loving every second of it. He was getting the love and recognition no one in Marley could ever give him.

You on the other hand had a more challenging struggle.

You just wanted to be somebody's person.

You weren't looking for that here in Paradis, you couldn't. Not even in Marley. There wasn't anyone in the world who could be your person.

Not with your circumstance.

You only had a handful of years left to live. Falling in love or starting a relationship would be the worst thing you could do. It would be so selfish of you to start something you couldn't finish.  And it's not like you had a large line of people to choose from.

Anyone here on this island was a joke to think about. As if you could date anyone here, nothing about it made sense. It could never make sense. Plus there wasn't anyone here you'd ever want to put yourself through the struggle of dating.

Even back in Marley your options were limited. Limited down to the one Galliard son who was still alive.

Porco.

You were thinking more and more about Porco everyday. You wish you could've been there for him when you guys had to tell Marley Marcel died. You miss the way he'd look at you as if he loved you so much for doing the tiniest thing for whatever reason. Or the way you'd talk in a crowd and how your voice would eventually drown out, thinking no one was listening to you anymore. But of course, Porco would still look at you and nod his head to signal to you to keep going and that he at least was listening. It felt like enough at the time.

Porco loved you, for whatever reason. And maybe if it wasn't for your circumstance you'd give him a real chance. But how fair would that be? Despite the sweet nothings he'd do for you and no matter how many times he'd claim his love for you, you didn't feel that connection to him.

You prayed Porco would never inherit a titan. So he'd have a chance at normalcy and actually find someone who could love him the way he needed to be loved.

Not to say you didn't love him. You loved a lot of people including Porco. But you could never love him the way he wanted you to. It made you so angry at yourself.

All of your life, your heart was yearning for a thing you couldn't possibly name.

Porco couldn't be enough, any friendships you had weren't enough, your family never felt like enough, kissing Armin wasn't enough. So what could it be?

Maybe it was your life's destiny to be alone. Maybe you couldn't be loved. At this point, all of the damage you've done, you definitely didn't deserve the love you wanted.

So maybe it was time to accept the love you deserved.

The yearning in your heart only grew stronger once you inherited your titan but even before that, it was still there.

You remember the day at the lake with Annie. When she woke you up and how you were crying in your sleep.

Why were you thinking about that right now?

This headache was driving your head into the parts of your brain covered with dust.

Could it be that day was a turning a point? That was a possibility, definitely. That day was the start of your fucked up dreams. It was the last time you ever spoke to your brother. It was the last "normal" day you had at training camp with the other warriors. It was the last time you and Annie had ever walked home together.

That day was the beginning of the end.

How the next you day you got the news of inheriting your brother's titan. Not only did you trade your life for another shitty thirteen years but you lost the person who'd love you the most.

You remember hearing Paul talk to his friends about seeing memories of the previous host he inherited from. The last person before Paul to have the Mayhem titan was a cousin from your dad's side. Paul had so many stories of shared memories he'd received.

You didn't have the same experience. As far as you knew, none of Paul's memories were passed onto you.

All of the dreams you'd have were rarely about him. They were always about random scenarios with some mystery guy you couldn't recognize in anyone.

But maybe you did have some of Paul's memories. Maybe you were at a point in your life where you couldn't tell which memories were actually yours and which were his. After all, you two did share a childhood together so it'd be difficult to separate which memories belonged to who.

Your thoughts are everywhere that night. From Armin, to childhood, to Marley, to anywhere.

You and Sasha's bunk was right next to a window so as you laid there and recalled your life and mistakes, you stared at the rain through the window. You kept seeing a white bird fly back and forth and rest on top of the boy's bunks building.

You could see the boy's bunks right out your window. It was a good distance away but close enough for you to watch the bird throughout the night.

You felt sorry for the poor thing. Looking for a dry place to make it through the night. Maybe if it was smart enough it could fly away somewhere far from this shit hole. Especially those shit holes in the boy's bunks who went by the names of Jean and Armin.

The thought was so corny and you'd never dare say it aloud just to keep yourself from cringing. But that night, you hoped once you died, you'd never be born into a life like this one again. You didn't feel human in this life and it'd probably be the same in the next lifetime.

So hopefully in the next life, you could just come back as a bird. Head not big enough to have a real brain, so no thoughts or pain. No room to have the impossible desires you had now. Your only purpose in life to keep flying, to anywhere you want. Complete and utter freedom.

Eventually your thoughts have to come to and end as the morning comes. Your streak of unluckiness carries onto this day as you don't get a minute of sleep to carry you through.

The sun doesn't even rise today. Just grey clouds and you could swear the rain just comes down harder as each minute passed. What surprised you today was how many girl's slept through the downpour. It sounded like rocks were being thrown against these cabins.

It was so loud you wouldn't have been shocked to look out the window and see Zeke in his beast titan form just tossing rocks around.

Then again, you'd definitely shit your pants if you saw that. You were the only warrior who thought Zeke's titan was the ugliest. Everyone else would say it was Pieck's but you thought the Cart titan was kinda cute. Plus, knowing Pieck was in there definitely swayed your choice.

As you rise from your bunk you start to feel how heavy your eyelids are. This day was going to be brutal. Seeing Armin or whatever bullshit people had to throw your way today was the least of your problems. Your lack of sleep would be your number one enemy today. You could deal with annoying ass people, you've been doing that your entire life. What you could never deal with was not getting enough rest.

It never failed to bring out the worst version of yourself.

You stretch your body out and look at Sasha on the top bunk. A puddle of drool was soaking her pillow and she laid on her stomach. As other girls began getting up, you decided it was Sasha's time too.

You were starving and you weren't looking to walk to the dining hall alone in this pouring rain. You'd probably never go to the dining hall again alone considering the last time you did that you ended up meeting Floch and becoming his "new favorite person."

Besides, Sasha always loved being the first at breakfast so you knew she wouldn't be mad. You begin to shake the girl up.

It doesn't take her long to snap awake.

"Mmm-Hello?" She mumbles, eyes still closed. You whisper. "It's time to get up, Sasha."

Sasha's eyes open at the sound of your voice and she smiles softly. "Looks like the weather matches you today, my gloomy little brat." You roll your eyes and return her soft smile. Sasha sits up, yawns, and stretches her back. She rubs her eyelids as she speaks up. "GOD, training better be cancelled today. The ground is practically mud-" Sasha stops her sentence once she finally looks at you. She looks unsettled.

You wipe your face thinking there's something on it and that's why Sasha is giving you a look. You speak up. "What? What's wrong?" Sasha scoots closer to your face and speaks. "Were you crying again last night? Did Jean say something to you AGAIN to make you cry? I'm gonna kill that son of a bi-"

Just hearing Jean's name is enough for you to stop her rant. "What? What are you talking about? No, I wasn't crying." Why would Sasha ask something like that?

"Then why are your eyes so blood shot?" She asks. "Don't tell me you went downtown and bought that shit some people smoke that make people go all loopy. God, I remember one time me and Connie did that an-"

"No, that's not it-"

"I'm not mad at you Y/N! Next time just invite me to go!" Sasha yells out and goes into a fit of giggles.

"I didn't go into town. I was here all last night. I just couldn't sleep." You say truthfully. Sasha frowns and gives you a fake pout. "AW, Y/N! Why didn't you just say so! You know we're bunkies for a reason!" Sasha hops down and meets your level on the floor as she goes on. "When I can't sleep you know what helps me?"

You give Sasha a blank stare. You have a feeling she's about to say some bullshit.

"What?" You ask flatly.

"A nice round of cuddles! And sometimes a hit of that stuff people smoke downtown!!" Sasha laughs at her own joke. You can't help but giggle back. You have a feeling you knew what stuff people downtown here what smoking. They had the same shit back in Marley. It was called marijuana and you could pretty much buy it anywhere if you looked in the right places. You remember watching Paul and his friends go outside to smoke and coming back inside the house all giggly with soon to be bloodshot eyes.

You honestly could use a few hits of what they were smoking, especially as of recently. You wonder if Paul ever left some of it in his room before he died.

You wouldn't know until you got back to Marley. Maybe that was a reason to make it back.

"Seriously though, are you okay? Was anything keeping you up?" Sasha asks sincerely once she calms down from her giggles.

You contemplate telling Sasha about kissing Armin. After all, you have told her some personal stuff before. Example one being the Jean situation. Shit, you even cried in front of her.

But there was something about the Armin situation that you didn't want anyone to know. So you choose not to tell her.

"Just one of those nights." You lie.

Before Sasha can respond, Mikasa strolls by and stops near you two to join your conversation. "You'll be happy today, Sasha." She says as she approaches you two.

I swear to fucking god, if Armin told Mikasa we kissed, I'm about to have more islander blood on my hands.

Please god, don't have Mikasa know just yet.

Mikasa always got up first to start training sinfully early. You had no idea how she could do it. If Armin somehow met up with her this early and told her, you knew that'd be enough to make you snap.

"Why's that, Mikaka?" Sasha questions. Mikasa rolls her eyes at the nickname and responds. "We have a day off. The fields are completely flooded and turned into mud." You sigh in relief. Practice had never been cancelled here and a free day hadn't happened since the cadets started. And if there was a day where you needed to sit around and do nothing, that day was absolutely today.

"DOES THAT MEAN BREAKFAST IS CANCELLED?" Sasha asks terrified. Your eyes go back and forth between the two girls. Mikasa hasn't even looked at you and Sasha is too busy in her own world. Of course Sasha was thinking about food already. You couldn't blame her. While you laid away contemplated the universe, Sasha's snores were the unwanted music to your ears.

It was like that every single night.

No one would notice unless you slept right under her the way you had to every night. The first week it took some getting used to. You loved Sasha as a person, you really did, but if it was anyone else with her sleeping habits there was no doubt in your head they'd be dead by now. Her snores and sleep talking were almost comical, that's how loud they were.

After the first week, you found if you just kicked the mattress above you over and over for about thirty seconds, she'd eventually stop.

Either way, when you did get a good night's rest, you woke up just as hungry as Sasha. But today wasn't one of those days. Your body craved rest right now. You don't realize how long you tuned out until Mikasa's voice brings you back.

"Are you coming, Y/N?" Mikasa takes a step towards you and begins analyzing your face. Sasha is behind her sharing a confused expression at you. Mikasa goes on. "Uh, are you okay?"

She was probably talking about your bloodshot eyes and tired expression. Did you honestly look that bad though? This wasn't the first night here you cried and didn't sleep throughout the night.

You wanted to look in a mirror so badly now. Plus you were embarrassed to look so allegedly bad in front of Mikasa who somehow always looked so put together. But you just got out of bed. Everyone needed to catch you a break.

"I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep because of the rain." You lie again. Mikasa half smiles and goes to rest her hand on your shoulder. You look down at her hand as she talks. "I'm sure the rain couldn't help with that headache you had. I also had some trouble sleeping. Is your head better now?"

It wasn't.

The pounding had went away but now you were left with a brutal aching. On the bright side it finally felt like your head was slowly recovering. That's why you just wanted to skip out on breakfast and sleep. A few hours of some rest would probably make it all go away. Well, besides the bullshit you had to deal with when you woke up. That would still be there.

But you could deal with that once you got some sleep.

"Kinda. I think if I go to bed now though I'll feel better." You were still thinking about everything that kept you up last night. The only difference now was that your body was taking over from exhaustion. You finally felt like you could sleep.

"You're going to bed hungry?" Sasha cocks her head to the side and continues. "What if you wake up from your stomach growling? Then you'll be even more cranky than you usually ar-"

"Sasha." Mikasa interrupts. Were you actually always that cranky?

"You know what I mean, Mikasa! Plus, are you really going to spend the first day off we have sleeping it away?" Sasha asks while giving you puppy dog eyes. "It can be so much fun! The three of us can go in the common room and play a game. Or just talk. Or both. We can do anything we want today or-" Sasha loses herself in a ramble. You hate how easily convinced you are.

The girl was making a good point. This was such a rare day. A day to do whatever you want. Sure, what you did want was sleep, but you could power through it. Plus, you loved spending time with Sasha and her offer for it to be just you two and Mikasa was persuading you. It was hard to get either of them alone since they were both attached to a such a blood bonded trio. There was no room for you in a trio like that.

With Mikasa, you weren't exactly looking for a spot in her trio. A third of it involved Armin, who you wanted to avoid until you got your shit together. And the other third was Eren, who you barely knew. You and Eren hadn't shared any moments beyond a few words exchanged.

But there was last night.

Fuck.

How the fuck could you forget about that.

You literally forgot.

Eren was so insignificant in your life, even despite being awake for 9 plus hours throughout the night, your little encounter with him with Armin as witness didn't cross your mind once.

Eren needed to talk to you. It was probably something about Armin. You hoped it was about something stupid like Armin. You couldn't handle anymore groundbreaking conversations.

Fuck.

It was honestly only a matter of time before Mikasa's two right hand mans started to hate you. You had to tell Armin sooner or later what you two did was a mistake. As for Eren, if he went searching for you in the pouring rain just to talk to you about something, it couldn't be about something great.

You weren't ready to lose Mikasa as a friend yet. She was literally the first person in the cadets to show you any direct kindness and to really talk to you. This wasn't about some dumb crush you used to have on her;

You just wanted to be her friend for as long as you could.

Sasha's trio on the other hand was a different story. Well, actually,

Jean was a different story.

So let's just talk about Connie and Sasha.

You remember how about a week after the cliff encounter with Jean you were eating dinner with both trios combined. You sat on the end of the table with Connie in front of you and Mikasa sat on your right side. All the way at the end of the table sat Jean. You knew it was inevitable to see Jean since you two hung around similar people so you were just at least grateful he sat nowhere near you even if it was the same table.

The point of that day was the joke Connie made. He chose Armin as his victim.

"Hey Armin, knock knock."

"Who's there?" Poor Armin asked too innocently.

"Dee." Connie smirked. Armin had fallen into his trap.

"Dee who?"

"DEEZ NUTS!"

Connie started hysterically laughing at his own joke. The entire table went silent. Except no one followed his laughter. Armin just rolled his eyes and went back to reading his book while everyone nodded their head or shot Connie a dirty look. You tried everything you to not laugh especially since no one else was. But you really couldn't help it. Deep down, your humor never advanced past the age of ten so you accidentally let out a snort before you caught yourself.

You coughed to cover it up but Connie had already caught it and smiled.

"Looks like Y/N is the only one here who has a sense of humor! Everyone, be like Y/N!"

When you snap back in reality Mikasa asks you a question. "I know you wanna sleep, but at least eat something before you crash. You can sleep all day, but they don't serve food all day. That won't be good for you to go long without eating." Sasha was still rambling about what the three of you could do today.

You sigh and nod. Mikasa had a point. So did Sasha behind the rambles and jokes. You needed to eat something before you wasted today with sleeping.

You were just going to the dining hall to eat and that's it.

If Eren wanted to talk to you today, he'd have to wait. Especially Armin. You couldn't deal with them today.

Sasha is long gone once you finally get dressed and find a cloak to wear in the rain. Standing up, moving around and getting dressed makes you feel a little better. Mikasa waits for you to be ready and once you are, you two make your way to the dining hall.

As soon as you stepped outside, you can see what Mikasa meant when she said the field turned into mud. You two decide to jog over to the building due to the downpour of rain so there wasn't time for small talk or questions.

Once you enter the building, you swear you've never seen so many cadets in a single room at once. From the look of it, no one had anything to do today but sit down and eat. Who could blame them?

You remove the drenched dark purple cloak and hang it on a hook on a wall. You smooth your hair and notice how it's a little damp but your clothes were dry. Wet hair was better than soggy clothes so you were grateful for that at least. Mikasa follows your actions by removing and hanging up her cloak.

Her hair and clothes were completely dry.

Of course they were.

Your eyes scan the crowd and you only see a few familiar faces. The first one was Reiner who was talking to a bunch of nameless cadets. He looked so happy and the cadets seemed so engaged in his conversation. It made you wonder where the fuck Reiner found this charisma because it sure didn't exist in Marley.

A few seconds pass before Reiner catches you staring at him. He nods slightly and gives you a closed mouth smile.

Well that's progress.

For years you and Reiner's hellos have just been dirty looks and scoffs. A closed mouth smile and a nod was like climbing mountains for you two.

You roll your eyes at him and smile.

You look around and suddenly notice you're alone. You glance around to see where the fuck Mikasa went and not to your surprise she found Armin and Eren. They're already on the other side of the room.

Thankfully neither Armin or Eren see you. Then again, there's so many individuals in this one room that you'd have to look for someone intentionally just to find them. Even then, it'd take a minute. Mikasa probably found Armin and Eren so quickly because they've been friends since diapers.

You start to make your way further away from them across the room. You couldn't have Eren or Armin notice you. There was no doubt in your mind you were being mentioned in their conversation right now. You just needed to eat and get the fuck out of here. So that was your mission right now.

You scoot your way through the crowd until eventually you're in the center of the hall blending in with the sea of people. Your anxiety spikes but keeps you awake. You had a mental list of people you wanted to avoid right now and being in this sea of people wasn't helping. The idea of anyone sneaking up on you was starting to eat you alive and you're anxiety fully kicks in.

You start mindlessly picking at your fingers to calm yourself down.

It was a habit you had since you could remember. Your parents and brother would always slap your hands to get you to quit it but it never worked.

So you stood there picking away as you thought about what you wanted to eat today. The options weren't too wild. Usually there was either fruit, bread or some stew. They mystery stew always fucked up your stomach so you decided to go for something light today like the fruit and bread. That with a glass of water would probably be enough to hold you over until dinner tonight when you wake up from your all day nap.

You dig into your finger more as you think, anxiety somehow getting worse as the crowd felt like it was caving in.

Suddenly someone whispers in your ear. Usually shit like that would of course startle you. It would startle anyone. But you recognized this voice.

How could you ever forget it?

"Looks like some dirty habits never go away."

It was Annie.

You immediately stop picking at your hand and turn around to make sure you didn't hallucinate her voice out of exhaustion.

You feel your eye twitch at the sight of the blonde. Just like Mikasa, she's completely dry and somehow avoided the rain.

Of fucking course.

Why was she talking to you? Was she finally ready to talk? Maybe her phase of hating you and being anti Y/N was over.

But the look on her face said otherwise. You turned your body around to face her completely and look down.

The tension between the two of you was unreal right now.

It had been over a month since Annie had spoken more than a few words to you. And this was not how you wanted your reunion to go. You used to think you knew Annie better than anyone else in the world. That probably didn't hold true anymore but you could still read her like a book.

And the look on her face was screaming one word.

Confrontation.

You speak up and try to compose yourself. "Hey An-" She doesn't even let you finish.

"How have you been?" She says dryly. Her eyes are absolutely dead along with the tone of her voice. She didn't give a fuck how you were.

What the fuck was this?

Your eyes glance around out of nervousness. You hated the effect she had on you. Statistically, you were better than Annie so why was she so scary to you sometimes?

You knew her asking you how you've been wasn't a sincere question. Annie didn't give a shit how you've been. If she did she would've asked sooner. This was definitely a set up into her confrontation.

Fuck it.

If she wanted to play games then sure. You were always the winner in the long run so you'd play along. Sleep and eating could wait right now.

"Lovely. I've been doing just fine. How about you?" You mimic her monotone voice.

"Same. You just don't look like it."

You hum. "I couldn't sleep last night. Rain kept me up and I hate the thunder." You lie.

Annie gives a crude chuckles and says "What are you a dog? Can't sleep because you're scared of some thunder?"

You smile down at her. "Something like that." Annie's digs were too pathetic. You knew she could do better. You've seen her do better. Maybe she couldn't go all out because she still had that soft spot for you.

"Makes sense. Animals like to hang around other animals." She whispers to you. You give her a dirty look.

What?

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"It means what I said. A lot of us used to look up to you but now you're just down in the dirt rolling around with these animals. It's disgusting really."

This motherfucker was speaking in riddles you couldn't understand. You just stare at Annie as she goes on. She can read how lost you are. It's probably written all over your face.

Finally she clarifies.

"I saw you kissing Armin in the rain last night."

The words ring through your ears. You feel your heart drop to your stomach and your face go hot.

Of course she fucking did.

Annie would be the one bitch around here, to look out a fucking window, and see you of all people kissing Armin outside during a thunderstorm.

Fucking ridiculous.

Is that what she was so upset about right now? Fucking why?

"Okay and?" You're proud of yourself for hiding in your voice the fact you were absolutely shitting yourself from nerves. It was just a stupid kiss. Why would she care? But you knew Annie. You knew things weren't as simple as that.

That this was just the beginning.

"I'm just saying, I knew you were lonely here but I didn't think you sink that low for some attention." She doesn't break eye contact with you once. So you make sure to keep your poker face on that this isn't bothering you.

"What?" It's like that's all you can say. You turn your head to the side and pucker your bottom lip out, fake pouting at Annie before you continue.

"Are you upset it wasn't you?" You let out a fake whimper.

Annie scoffs but you don't miss a beat to continue your words.

"Tell me Annie, who did you want to be in that moment? Me kissing Armin's soft lips or did you want be Armin kissing me? Because I hate to break it to you but your chance has long expired-" Annie can't let you go on with your teasing.

"You're disgusting." She sneers at you. You smile at her and respond. "Maybe. I just can't help it, Annie." You fake a whine at her. She stares daggers into you. This definitely wasn't how she expected you to react to her pathetic confrontation. You choose to carry on with messing with her.

You step an inch closer to her so you guys are only a few inches from each others face. You really want her to feel your next words.

You whisper near her ear. "I mean come on Annie. I can't be the only one touch starved here." You attempt to brush her the few strands of hair out of her face but she slaps your hand away before you can. You burst out laughing.

Annie whisper yells at you. "Fuckin- stop that." Her face is completely red and her knuckles were white from squeezing her fists. Who knew it was so easy to work Annie up? Bertholdt could use some tips.

In between your hysterical laughter you say to her. "Seriously though," you take a deep breath to relax and to finish your final sentence.

"Go fuck yourself."

You grin at her.

This conversation, confrontation, whatever the fuck it was, was over. You and Annie's friendship was probably over for good. At least for this era of your life. You could cry about it later and tell Reiner all about it. For now, food and sleep was calling your name.

You turn around to abandon Annie when suddenly, you feel her hand grab yours and she tugs you back harshly. Annie was strong as fuck, so her simple tug has your back tripping back in her chest as she gets in your ear.

Her fingernails dig in your hand and there's no doubt she punctured the skin near your knuckles. That's how hard she's gripping your hand. You barely let out a "what the fuck" before Annie whispers so lowly in your ear that no one would ever hear it but you two. Between her whisper and the noise of the crowd, it's impossible for anyone but you to hear Annie's words.

"I'd fucking watch yourself Y/N. You know this month it's my turn to relay information to Marley and I'd love to hear the officials thoughts about their most important shifter going around kissing island devils, skipping out on meetings and overall doing fucking shit here. There's countless people back home who'd die to inherit what you have. All it takes is for me to say the word and you'd be shipped back and put out of your misery. You useless piece of SHIT."

You feel like throwing up.

First of all, skipping meetings? You've been to every meeting they've invited you to. You were the one suspicious they had stopped inviting you recently.

But what the fuck was Annie's problem with you that she felt the need to threaten to send you back to Marley to have someone eat you? This island was changing all of you and it was certainly changing Annie for the worst.

But you call her bluff.

She'd never do something like that. She was just trying to scare you for whatever crazy fucking reason. Adrenaline starts to run through your body and wake you up a little bit. She keeps digging her nails into your hand and you turn your head back to whisper back to her.

First you clear your throat.

"Go. Fuck. Yourself."

You give her a soft smile and and rub your thumb on top of her hand. It was so fun contradicting your words and actions with her. You wanted to keep Annie on her toes. She smiles and whispers in your ear one last time.

"It'd be such a shame for you to go back to Marley and be eaten now. Especially with no one in your family ready now to inherit your titan. Talk about breaking family traditions." You smile to yourself and shrug. But then, her last sentence is poison of her tongue and certainly kills most of you.

"What a shame, what would Paul think? You never living up to expectations. How sad." She finally lets go of your hand and you turn around to face her to see if she can actually look you in the eye after saying something like that.

She gives you a blank stare. As if she didn't say anything wrong. No emotion on her face and nothing beyond those blue eyes. She knew what words could kill you and those were certainly it. The Annie you knew in Marley was gone. She would never say something like that to you. Ever.

What the fuck was she getting out of this? Why was she so determined to hurt you?

You look down at the hand Annie was gripping and you were right. Her fingernails digging in your knuckles caused you bleed. You look around beyond Annie and despite the growing crowd of people and everything that just happened, no one was looking at you two. Not even a glance.

That was the first thing you had to make sure of. Annie just said some pretty incriminating stuff around a few hundred cadets so you felt relief kinda. Annie speaks up again.

"Why are you crying?"

Chills ran throughout your entire body when she said that. It was like that day at the lake expect not at all.

You immediately go up to touch your face and you feel how wet your cheeks are.

Annie's words had made you start crying and you didn't even notice it. You feel your heart racing. It felt like you were having a heart attack but you tried to control it. You finally felt yourself crying and you sniffle as you bite your lip. Why was this happening now? It's like your body was speaking on it's own.

You fucking hated Annie. You'd never felt so many negative emotions towards one individual until now.

You literally wanted to murder her.

You had no idea what to do. Talking to her wasn't an option. She was unreachable. Talking to anyone wouldn't help. You just wanted her to feel the same mental pain you were feeling, except physically. It was such a sick thing to think.

You think to yourself. You have to make a decision before she walks away.

What would happen if I just punched Annie right fucking now?

You start to see red and you look around. As soon as you look up you see Reiner staring at you and Annie. You immediately glance away. He had a worried look on his face. You look back down at Annie who is still staring at you.

She smirks at you.

Fuck it.

This bitch needs to be put down.

I'm going to fucking punch her.

You take a deep breath and close your eyes.

Please god, whatever the fuck i'm about to do, please don't have this result in me being shipped back to Marley just yet.

Please.

As soon as you open them you grab Annie's shoulders and before she can realize what's happening you push her back as hard as you can.

She stumbles but doesn't fall to the ground. As she catches balance she looks up and barely lets out a "What the fuck" before your closed fists slams into the right side of her jaw.

You wanted her to fall the ground so you hit her as hard as you could. The punch to the jaw makes her fall to her knees but Annie is so quick.

You see her try to stand up but before she can you start kicking her at a rapid rate to make sure she stays down. The kicking turns into stomping all over her body and you're grateful you wore your combat boots today so the kicks and stomps are extra brutal.

You kick her everywhere but her face. You want to save her face for your hands.

You sniffle and wipe your face of any remaining tears as you continue your assault on Annie. You kick her side a few more times to make sure she stays on the ground and that you have enough time to get on top of her.

The dining hall was always so loud, especially today with all of the cadets in here.But right now, you can't tell if you're so tuned into the fight that everything went silent or if everyone is just silent. You don't have time to look. You just need to beat the fuck out of Annie right now.

You need to.

You notice some people move out of the way and stand around you as you climb on top of Annie.

If there was any doubt before there was none now. Your body and mind were finally in sync with what you wanted. You wanted to beat the living shit out of Annie so you waste no time. If there was going to be a crowd then so fucking be it.

Annie still has some fight in her even once you get on top of her. She even gets a slap across your face as she yells out for someone to get you off of her. The slap doesn't phase you, it just gives you more drive to get started.

You whip your hand across her left cheek, then her right. You slap her a few times until you hear her whimper. As soon as you hear that, that's when you begin punching her anywhere you can.

As hard as you can.

It a brutal sight and it doesn't take long for Annie to just turn into just a body on the ground. From your peripheral vision you see a crowd form around you guys and you start to hear a bunch of yelling. You don't have time to worry about that. Not right now.

You were just getting started.

Once your round of punching Annie is over you decide to go back to slapping the shit out of her face. It gets so bad at one point you're not sure who's blood belongs to who as your knuckles start splitting open from hitting her so many times.

You feel yourself crying as you're beating Annie up. Your vision is so blurry and there's so much blood you're not even entirely sure what you're looking at anymore.

All of the sudden you feel two huge hands grab your arm and tug you off of Annie and throw you on the floor next to her.

That just pisses you off even more.

You look up to see who the fuck interrupted you and you're not surprised.

It's Reiner.

The crowd starts booing Reiner and he crouches down to pick you up more away from Annie. He yells. "THAT'S ENOUGH!" As soon as he goes to reach for your arm again you grow more angry and your body moves on it's own again.

Your fist clashes with Reiner's nose and he falls back and grunts. You felt so bad about having to punch Reiner. But you weren't done with Annie yet. It wasn't your fault he came in between you and your business. Reiner cups his nose and as soon as he pulls his hand away, blood is gushing out. The crowd around you loses it's mind and before Reiner can grab you again you crawl back over to Annie who's still laying on the ground.

To your shock, she's still conscious. She's resting on her elbows as you make you way back to her. She groans out a "Fuck..." as your hand meets her face again. You were being taking over by anger and hatred right now, but it'd be sadistic to keep punching Annie. You got all of the punches and kicks you wanted to get in. Now it was just time to whip her across the face until you felt better.

Annie's face was covered in blood and you could taste blood in your mouth. You had no idea how or whose blood it could be but that was a question that could be answered later.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Back and forth her face went as you slapped her over and over. You were slapping her so hard, her face began to split in certain places from all the pressure you were putting on her.

Nothing was going to stop you. You were never going to feel better no matter what. You were destined to always feel fucking miserable no matter what. Beating up Annie wouldn't change anything but you couldn't stop even if you wanted to.

You're not sure how much time passes until you feel someones arms wrap around your waist.

The arms were big, but not as big as Reiner's. Reiner was still on the ground taking care of his bloody nose. The arms lift you off of Annie and they don't let go until they bring you to the front of the crowd where Sasha, Mikasa, Armin and Eren are, who look all terrified.

Especially Armin.

You turn around to see who's arms are wrapped around your waist and carrying you. You're breathing is heavy and you still have tears running down your face. The crowd is still yelling when you finally make eye contact with who was carrying you.

It was Jean.

He lets you go as soon as you look at him and you take a deep breath.

Before he can say anything Connie shoves his way to the front of the crowd. And looks at you and smiles. "DAMN, Y/N! I KNEW YOU HAD THAT SHIT IN YOU!" He raises his hand in the air to high five you but you stare blankly at him. He clearly couldn't read the room as you continue to have tears run down your face. Sasha mumbles to him and he puts his hand down.

Jean's single hand is still lingering on your waist and you only notice it when you turn back around to go back to Annie. Jean stops you by pulling you back with his single.

You look up at him. Your breathing is so heavy right now but finally it feels like the adrenaline wears off as soon as you look him in the eye.

"You need to catch your breath." Jean whispers. Between all of the yelling from the crowd that was still happening, his voice sound crystal clear.

For whatever reason, Jean's eyes were watery. Not enough that he was crying like you, but they were certainly watery. It makes you start crying more. You have no idea why. You fucking hated Jean for everything he did to you. And the way you were crying, there was no noise or whimpers come out of your mouth. Just endless tears rolling down your face. You take a deep breath and close your eyes.

Jean's hand stays on your waist as you catch your breath.

You feel a hand on your shoulder and Armin speak up. "Why would you do that, Y/N? You're going to be in so much trou-"

"Give her some fucking space, moron." Jean scolds Armin and if you didn't have your eyes closed you'd probably miss it, but you feel Jean pull you closer to him and away from Armin. Just slightly. Armin's response sounds like a blur but you hear Jean snicker at him.

You finally catch up to reality when you open your eyes and see Reiner on the floor with blood all over his face, groaning and Annie laying on the floor looking like a corpse.

You did that. How could something you wanted so badly a few minutes ago back you feel so bad?

Fuck.

What the fuck did you do?

You look back up at Jean who is still looking into your eyes. His expression is soft and it looks like he's biting his cheek.

Looks like some dirty habits never go away.

You hear Sasha speak up. "Do you think she's dead?" She motions to Annie and you look back over to her. She's finally sitting up with the help of other cadets. She begins coughing up blood and her eyes find you in the crowd. She looks at you and coughs before uttering out a pathetic, "Go fuck yourself." Connie burst out laughing and you turn to Sasha. "No, she's fine." You add on "Well, she'll be fine."

Jean sighs out. "You're shaking."

"What?"

"Your hands, you're shaking."

You sniffle and look down. Your brows furrow and you cry softly as you look at your hands. You were in fact shaking. But that's not what you cared about. What you did care about was the blood all over them. Your knuckles were all split open. You stare at them for a moment until you hear Sasha speak up.

"Shit, I hear footsteps coming. That's probably the instructor coming to see what all the noise was."

Fuck my life.

You weren't ready for the punishment or yelling you were about to go through. Annie deserved everything she just got but you knew that wouldn't be a good enough excuse to tell the instructors.

You feel Jean finally remove his hand of his waist. You look back up at him and he's taking off his jacket and handing it over to you. He doesn't let you get a word in before he saying one word.

"Go."

You squint your eyes at him and he repeats himself. "You need to go. Now. Take my jacket, it's still pouring. But seriously, go now."

Connie speaks up. "Jean is right Y/N, you should probably leave now before Shadis does the same thing to you that you just did to Annie."

You stare off in the distance for a second to the window across the room. It was still pouring rain and your rain cloak was on the other side of the room. That's why Jean was giving you his jacket. You didn't have time to grab yours.

They were right.

You had to get the fuck out of here.

You glance at Annie and back to Jean, then to Sasha and the rest before you make a run for it.

You shove and push your way through the crown and try to make your way to the exit. As you do so, you begin to slip on Jean's jacket. You hated the fact it was his jacket but you didn't have ime to complain right now.

It seems impossible with the ocean of people to reach the exit in time but if there's a will, there's way. You just keep shoving and pushing until you see the door.

No one follows you, thank fucking god. There's only a few cadets near the exit and they all stare you down. You don't blame them. They just watched you go animalistic on some girl. That doesn't happen everyday here. At least you could provide them with some entertainment.

As you reach the exit you rest your hand on the handles and look back one last time. The crowd was still all over Annie and Reiner and only a few nameless heads were looking at you. You sigh and push the door open.

You're met with a gust of wind and pouring rain. You walk forward into the cold, dark outside. All alone.

You had no idea where the fuck you were going to go.

You had to be alone right now. No, you needed to be alone. You're thankful by now you have the entire map of this cadets area memorized. The girl's bunks were out of the question and so were the showers/bathrooms. Anyone could walk into those areas. You needed to be alone for as long as you needed to be.

You knew exactly where to go. Every step you take it sounds like your walking through an ocean. The crack of thunder rings through your ears and makes your head ache. It feels like your heart may jump out of your chest. In fact you feel your heartbeat in your throat. You feel like absolute zombie walking around all alone out here.

You wrap Jean's jacket around you and hug your chest as you continue your walk.

To your relief, the cadets common room comes into your vision through the downpour of rain. There may be a few cadets in there but you doubted it. Judging from where just came from, it seemed like the entire population of the cadets was either in the dining hall or in their bunks. Besides, no one was allowed in the cadets common room except during hours they allowed you all to be in there. Which was only after dinner and some days before dinner.

And despite the dark skies from the storm and all of the events that just went down, it was still morning. So there couldn't be anyone in there yet. You just prayed the doors were unlocked.

You take what little energy you have left and sprint towards the building. You were already soaked, there was no saving you from that anymore, not even Jean's jacket. What's done was done. Your only goal now was alone time to think what the fuck just happened and what you were going to do moving forward.

You run up the steps to the wooden building and slip on the last step, making you crash to your knees. It knocks the wind out of you and you yell out a "FUCK!" You were wearing white pants and as soon as you got up, both of your knees were seeping through blood on your bottoms. As if there already wasn't enough blood on you.

You're whole body was in agony. Even though Annie only got a few pathetic slaps in, your exhaustion was taking its toll. Plus whatever energy you had left between your all nighter and lack of food was gone once you put your whole heart into beating up Annie.

You pull yourself off of the ground and tug on the doors. Your heart fills with relief as you feel the warmth of the building as the doors swing open. And the lights were on. Most importantly, no one was in there.

Thank fucking god.

At least something worked out in your favor today.

If the doors were locked you'd really have no other choice but to return to the girl's bunks. You weren't ready to face anyone yet. Not until you got your shit together.

As you walk in you look around. The cadets common room was actually really nice and huge. It had a wooden interior, like all of the buildings here. Some cushiony couches, bookshelves full of books, some tables and chairs. You never came here before today. But it's not like you tried to find the time. You were always busy doing something, in fact you had no idea how anyone found the time to come here. Since it was only ever open after dinner, that's what probably steered you away. Sleep always seemed more appealing than sitting around in here alone.

Plus any late night activities turned you off since the cliff encounter with Jean.

The only sound in here is your sniffling, the pouring rain on the outside and your footsteps. You look around until you see a hallway with a door at the end of it. Your footsteps lead you to the door. Sure, you could sit on these couches but what if Shadis or some other official were to barge in. Not only would they see you crying but they'd yell at you for Annie and for being in here during closed hours.

As you reach the door, you lean your head against it and whimper. You just prayed whatever the fuck was behind it, you could be alone in there. Your eyes were burning from all of the tears you cried. You pray to whatever god there is out there that this door would be open.

"Please." You whisper to yourself. You can taste the tears slip in your mouth and your heart feels heavier as each second passes. If this door didn't open, you'd just have to sit in here and wait for an official to get you to beat your ass.

How could you fuck up so much in such a short amount of time?

"Please, please please," your voice shakes more each time you beg and you start to sob. You squeeze your eyes shut and tap your forehead against the door a few times before touching the door knob.

The door knob is gold and it's ice cold from the lack of presence.

You take a pathetic attempt at a deep breath and twist the door knob halfway. You let out an exhale as your able to turn it fully and the door clicks open. You let out a sob of relief but catch yourself. As you open the door all the way, you pop your head in to see what the fuck is in here.

It's a bathroom.

And to your shock, it's spotless. It looked like no one had ever used it.

You open the door all of the way and enter the bathroom. It was a single restroom. Just a toilet, sink and mirror on the wall. You shut the door behind you and hear the click. You look down at the door knob and see you can lock it.

You realize then how fucking lucky you are that the door was left unlocked.

You sigh and turn the lock vertically, locking yourself in the bathroom. The light was dim in here but not dark enough that it creeped you. The walls had some floral wallpaper and you could still hearing the pouring rain from even the outside.

You're frozen for a minute and stare at the mirror on the side of the wall. You contemplate looking at yourself. Since the day started, all anyone has done was make a comment about how shitty you looked. Even looking down at yourself, you saw how fucked up your body looked. The blood was beginning to stain, you were soaking wet from the rain, your eyes were stinging and so was your face.

But you had to look. This bathroom was a perfect opportunity to clean up so you just had to face reality.

You couldn't keep running. You smooth your wet hair out and wipe your face a little as a pathetic little attempt to make yourself look better before you take a look so you don't scare yourself too bad. Your footsteps drag against the wooden floor.

Your head hangs down and you lean against the sink before looking up.

Well, at least you were living up to some expectation. You really did look like hell.

The tears and blood all over your clothes isn't what shocked you. It wasn't the bloodshot eyes either. What took you back the most was the amount of blood on your face.

It made you feel sick.

Not because you could've been bleeding from your face. You knew that couldn't be how the blood got there. Annie only slapped you a few times and they weren't nearly as hard as you were going in on her.

It was Annie's blood all over you face.

And there was so much that it was seeping into your eyes, which explained the stinging sensation burning through your eyes.

Her blood was everywhere on you.

"Fuck." You mumble as you choke back a sob. Your hand goes to turn on the knob to the sink. You truly notice now what Jean was talking about. Between the cold and the initial shock of everything, you knew the shaking wasn't going to stop anytime soon.

You grip the knob and slowly turn it to see rush of water pour out. You take your hand off of the faucet and hold your own hand to see if that will stop the shaking.

It barely does.

You can't look at yourself in the mirror for any longer. You looked like something out of a horror story. That's probably why Jean had tears in his eyes when he was looking at you.

You probably scared the fuck out of him.

You crouch over the sink and start splashing water on your face.

Over and over again. The water is ice cold and you can't even say it feels good. Not that it matters. Or not that you deserve anything nice. You just wanted Annie's blood off of your face. You wanted nothing to do with that bitch anymore. Every time you opened your eyes you just saw watered down blood flowing down the drain. Minutes pass and each time you open your eyes, it seems like more and more blood is flowing down the drain.

Eventually, you straighten your body up to look yourself in the mirror.

I was right.

None of the blood was yours. Not a single cut or mark against your face.

Every drop was Annie's.

And so much of it still lingered.

There was a little cabinet under the sink. You bend  down and open it. To your luck once again, there's a few paper towels to dry your face. You take a generous handful and stand up to look at the mirror again to dry your face.

You were still crying.

How the fuck were you still crying?

Usually when you cried, after some period of time you went into a numb state of sadness and would just sit there. But here you were still blubbering away, hands shaking and heart beating.

It wasn't getting any better.

You never felt more alone in the world than you did right now.

Never felt more scared either. Of the future  of course, but right now, what was truly scaring the fuck out you was yourself.

You knew you could fight. But you had no idea just how much anger and brutality you had in you.

Your shaking hands don't help you dry your face and you drop the paper towels. You can barely do anything right now. Then suddenly, like always, realization starts to set in when you least expect it.

What the fuck did you do? What was happening?

You spent forever wanting to get Annie back as you friend and you just beat the fuck out of her.

You and Annie had never ever physically fought for however long you'd known each other. Now you understand why.

It would have never been a fair fight.

And Reiner. Fuck.

You just started making amends with him and you broke or at least hopefully just fractured his nose. He'd probably start hating you all over again. You didn't want to go back to hating each other. Not after everything. You fucking hated to admit it but you probably needed Reiner more than he'd ever need you.

No sorry would fix what you did.

Reiner would get past you punching him. He'd understand how you didn't mean it and it was an accident in the heat of the moment.

What he wouldn't get past was the fact the one person you chose to beat the fuck out of was Annie.

He wouldn't care about the cruel things Annie said and if that was the reason why you did it. No reason in the world could justify you doing what you did. Not only did you bring so much attention to yourself but you dragged the one person you couldn't associate with into it.

And what Annie said about telling officials how you do nothing here and shipping you off to Marley to be killed put such a pit in your stomach. You always make jokes about and comments about wanting to die but the truth of it all:

Even if you only had a few years left to live, you wanted to live them out just to see where it went. It'd be such a waste of your brother's death to die so soon. You needed to make these last few years worth it.

You couldn't die. Not yet.

You bury your head in your hands and sob. You whisper to yourself to make sure you're still real.

"I don't wanna die." You hiccup on one of your sobs before you continue quietly into your palms. "I wanna be here. With everyone." You feel your lips shake and your heart aches even heavier.

You had no idea who "everyone" was anymore. You had no one now.

When you finally take your face out of your palms you try to look at yourself in the mirror through your blurred version. Seeing your reflection the way it looked right now started to piss you off. That anger you felt when you were punching Annie still lingered in you. You laugh at yourself softly. How was there still anger left in you?

You think how these past few weeks, how hard you tried being like everyone here. Sweet like Sasha and calm like Mikasa. You wanted to be like everyone here but you couldn't.

You just weren't like that.

No matter how hard you pretended and how many people fell for it. You still would always see right through yourself and who you really were.

And now everyone here knew who you really were and how bad of a person you were. In their eyes, Annie was just this quiet sweet girl and you were the bitch who needed a fucking exorcism who went absolutely feral on her for no reason. It's not like you could even explain yourself.

What was done was done.

Your grip on the sink is so hard you wouldn't have been shocked if the sides broke off. You don't even notice the water still running.

You were really losing it.

You go to turn it off with your shaking hand so you're left in silence. You can't stand to look at the mirror anymore. You just wanted to fight someone still. You had so much anger left in you.

You can only stare at your reflection for a few moments before your hands are off the sink and your bashing the mirror in.

"FUCK!" The mirror shatters but the glass stays in tact. It hurt your hand so fucking bad but you couldn't stop. As soon as you started, you couldn't stop punching the mirror with both of your hands until the bathroom was covered in broken glass.

You were just so full of anger and hate that you couldn't help it. You got more pathetic as the moments passed. Punching fucking mirrors? Is that what you've sunken down to? You felt like such a loser.

You decide your tantrum is over once all of the glass is broken off the wall and shattered on the floor.

You walk back over to the door and the sound of glass crunching follows each footstep you take. You contemplate leaving but decide against it. Where was there to go anyways?

Plus you were still crying and an emotional wreck so time alone was probably best before you turn someone else into Annie.

You press your back against the door and slide down. You look down at your hands and have a mini panic attack. Your hands were already splitting from beating up Annie, but now they were both covered in glass.

Motherfucker.

Well, the day only getting worse was fitting. Picking shards of glass out of your hand now was probably what you deserved. So you got comfortable against the door and began picking away. Your cries and whimpers are now shared between the idea of going back to Marley to die, Reiner, Annie, and the pain and exhaustion your body felt.

The big pieces were easy to get out. You just ripped them of your hand and hoped for the best. What really was a bitch was the little pieces. You probably get five out of a hundred shards of glass in your hand until you give up.

You lean your head against the door and close your eyes. You needed to rest and calm down. You take a few deep breaths a your mind wanders.

You think about the bird you saw all last night and where it could possibly be right now. It's such a silly thought but you hope wherever it is right now, it flew far away from here. You wish you could do the same right now. You wouldn't fly back to Marley or anywhere around here.

You like to think one day you'd meet someone and you two could just fly away together and live out your few years together. Away from all the pain and death. Having little to no thoughts like a bird. No anxieties or comparisons. No wants or desires. Maybe you'd meet someone and they'd actually wouldn't look past all the fucked shit about you. Instead they'd just be happy for it because it's what made you, you. But just how you thought last night, it was too late for you.

Your tears finally have stopped and you enter that numb state.

As soon as you open your eyes, you hear a knock on the door and in that moment, your soul leaves your body.

Fuck.

It was definitely an instructor. They were probably looking for you plus no cadets would be in here this early. Fuck. It was time to really face reality.

You stay silent hoping whoever was outside would just walk away.

You hear them cough before they speak up. "Y/N, I know you're in there." You shake your head.

Please for the love of fucking god tell me I'm imagining this in some manic episode I'm having.

Please.

It was Jean on the other side of the door.

You stay silent hoping he'd just go away. What the fuck could he want right now? You didn't want to see him now or ever.

Fuck. Im still wearing his jacket. He probably wanted it back. This fucking asshole.

Shit, you rather have Armin here right now rather than fucking Jean. Anyone besides Jean.

You bite the inside of your cheek so hard you start to taste blood. If this asshole was here just to pull some fucked shit for his own personal gain, looks like there would be a second fight here in the bathroom with no witnesses. You'd just have to power through the pain of the shards still in your hand.

Jean speaks up again.

"Please." He sounded like he was also choking on his words. "Please. Open the door, Y/N."

"I can't do that." You whisper.

You bite back on your bottom lip trying to hold back this new wave of incoming sobs. Something about Jean just made you so emotional. Since that one night on the cliff, you just thought so much of him and it was all obliterated in seconds. You couldn't take his bullshit anymore. It just hurt too much coming from him, for some reason.

Maybe it's because you hyped him up so much in your head before finding out what a piece of shit he was.

You think about what he did today. How he pulled you off of Annie to stop the fight and the look on his face afterwards.

He looked so sad looking down on you. But it wasn't the terrified or confused look the others had. When Jean looked at you today after the fight, he just looked like he felt so sorry for you. But you wouldn't know. You never knew what he could be thinking.

"I'm not here to hurt you or to do anything. I just want to see you right now." He whispers. "I'm alone. It's just me. No one knows I'm here. Please. I'm literally begging you to open the door. Please. Please."

You can't squeeze your fists or wipe your face because of all the glass in your hands so you just sit there. You couldn't deal with him right now. You couldn't keep falling for his bullshit so you yell through the door.

"Why would I believe you?! Why the FUCK would I listen you anything YOU have to say? Everything shitty here that's happened to me all started that night you pulled all of that shit. You don't need to see me right now. You see me every fucking day because you're always hanging around the only two fucking people I talk to here. You can bother me another day when I can deal with it but right now I can admit I can't. So respectfully, please FUCK OFF, Jean." You start sobbing and choking in between sentences. You tried so hard to sound angry and stern but it came out pathetic and sad. You hate yourself so much for it but you can't help it. You end your rant with "You piece of shit." Before burying your head into your knees and quietly crying.

Jean is quiet for a few seconds before responding.

"I can't."

"WHY NOT?" You yell out. What the fuck was people's problem here with not leaving you alone? What did they not understand?

"Because I just need to be with you right now." Jean confessed. You roll your eyes and lift your head from your knees and rest it against the door. He wasn't going to go away. It was becoming clear.

"I have no idea what the fuck that means." You say flatly. You look down at yourself and his jacket you're still wearing. You contemplate taking it off but as much as you cannot stand Jean, it was the only thing keep you warm.

You start staring at the shattered glass all around you. You notice a little puddle of blood on your pants from your hands and you sniffle. It's also o his jacket. He'd probably be pissed you made such a mess on it.

You can't wipe your face out of fear of getting micro glass in your face, you were lucky to walk away from the Annie fight with no cuts on your face and you weren't going to inflict that upon yourself so you tilt your head to meet your shoulder and do your best to wipe your face but it's no use.

"It means I just want to be with you right now and that I have some things I need to say." Jean says. His voice is so quiet but it's loud enough to hear through the downpour of rain and the door barrier.

"I'm okay. Every time you talk it brings out the worst in us." You pick up a large shard of glass and look at your eyes and see how bloodshot they still were. It wasn't a pretty look between the tears and insomnia. Jean is quiet for about thirty seconds before he starts talking again.

"I know that you hate me." You hear him take a deep breath before he continues.

"I've done a lot of shitty things. But this isn't one of them." He says quietly. His voice sounds so fragile, even through the wooden door. It's sounds so soft.

You bite your lip and set the piece of glass down and start to pick a shard of glass out of your hand to pass the time through Jean's words. It hurt so fucking bad. You wish the blood spilling out of your hand was enough to distract you from the agony but of course it isn't. It just makes it all so much worse.

Listening to whatever Jean had to say now wasn't in the question. He wasn't leaving, not until he spoke whatever the fuck it was he needed to say right now.

So before you can fully sob to yourself and pick glass out of your hand, you might as well let Jean get it over with. It's not like you could get anymore hurt than what you already were.

You take a deep breath and rest your head on the door to listen. You stay quiet, your hands throbbing.

You hear Jean slide down the door. You even feel it. His back is pressed against the door just like you. You two are sitting against the door on opposite ends. He takes a deep breath and finally;

He begins.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything." He pauses and continues with his words. "For what I did to you on the cliff that night. It wasn't right and you didn't deserve that. You didn't deserve any of that."

That wasn't what you expected and you lift your head off the door. You can't believe what you were hearing. You had been crying all morning and the tears didn't stop once Jean started talking.

But there was something about that last sentence that made the tears run hot down your face. And they were pouring out even faster.

You didn't deserve any of that.

You take a shakey breath and close your eyes, wanting him to continue. And he does.

"And it wasn't true. Everything I said the last few minutes wasn't true." You hear a soft thud against the door near your head. He had rested his head against the door you could only assume.

You move your body so your back isn't pressed against the door anymore. Instead now you sit cross crossed in front of it. Staring at the dark wooden door. Maybe you were getting ready to open the door. Jean was actually being sincere enough, or so it sounded. He continues.

"And I'm sorry for what I said to you at the table with Floch. It wasn't right. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for ignoring you all those weeks. This is all so overdue but I need you to know this now rather than never. I'm just so sorry, Y/N. I'm sorry it took me so long to do this and that I'm choosing now to do it. You deserve so much and none of what I did to you. I'm sorry. I just need you to know that's how I feel." It didn't sound like Jean was crying but it certainly sounded like he was getting choked up. You didn't know what to think because he continues before there's time.

"I thought about you every single day for those weeks I ignored you and I know how messed up and selfish it is for me to say that but it's the truth. I just want you to be okay and that's why I'm here now. I know you want to be alone right now, I'm the same way after I fight someone. But maybe we're the same in the way that deep down we don't want to be alone. Because I'll be the first to admit it if you don't want to, I don't want to be alone and I don't ever want you to feel the way I do when I am alone."

He sounds so sincere. Despite everything that happened, you pray he's being as sincere as he sounds. But saying all this through a door was one thing; You wanted Jean to look you in the eye face to face and say all of this.

Once he's quiet for a few seconds and you both take a few breaths to relax, you reach for the door knob. You looked like shit but it was just Jean. Maybe he hadn't seen you look this bad but he had seen you cry before. That night all that time ago where things felt so much simpler.

How did it all come to this?

What you would have a hard time explaining would be why you beat up and Annie and the shattered mirror.

But it's not like you could stay locked away, head buried in your knees like a little kid. You had to open the door eventually to someone. And right now, that person was Jean.

You wince as your hand presses down on the door knob and you turn it. You open the door gently and move back so you can open it all the way.

Jean is sitting the way you imagined him. His back was facing against the door but as soon as he heard you open the door he shuffles back, while still sitting. You remained on the floor as well.

Once the door is wide open the two of you stare at each other, sitting across from one another. The image of Jean right now wasn't the one you were used to. His hair was messy and his face looked puffy, along with his eyes. They weren't as nearly as bad as yours though. You wondered if he was crying but you weren't sure. There were no tears on his face.

You stared at Jean's brown eyes and he stared back at you. His eyes didn't rest on yours for long though. You watched him like a hawk. He went from your eyes, to your hands, to the ground, to back to your hands, to your body, then back to your eyes. He had a worried look on his face.

You speak up first.

"You know, if you just wanted your jacket back you didn't have to say all of that." You mumble, trying to joke to break some tension and awkwardness.

Jean rolls his eyes and smiles softly at you. "Keep it."

You smile softly and shake your head. You sniffle a little bit as you and Jean sit there in silence. You stare down at your hands and your anxiety starts spiking all over again. You can't even fucking pick at your fingers the way you wanted to because they were covered in so much glass A sigh leaves your lips as you crawl back into deep thought. You don't want Jean to ask why.

Why the bathroom looked like this. Why you beat up Annie. Why you did Annie. You couldn't go through that especially when you weren't even entirely sure yourself.

Jean breaks the silence.

"Everything I just said, I mean every word of it." You look up at him to meet his eye contact.

"All of it." He finishes.

You stare at his eyes for a few moments. He really did have such beautiful eyes. But beyond that beauty you saw what he really meant. And you saw that his words were matching with his eyes.

He really did mean everything.

You can't help but cry softly now. Today was just an emotional shit storm.

"I know." You say quietly in between your cries. It's happening again. You're put out of your brief numb state and back into a hysterical mess. Today was just too much too fast. Between it all though, you were thankful for Jean's apology. He scoots closer to you but not close enough that he's directly next to you. You say softly as you continue to cry. "I'm sorry, thank you for saying all of that but you don't need to witness all of this. I'm just a fucking mess today." You choke out a half cry, half laugh.

You hear Jean give a quiet hush sound followed by a "I know, I know." You try to catch your breath but it seems nearly impossible. Suddenly, you hear Jean stand up. You assume he's listening to your words and leaving. You don't blame him. He said what he had to say. And who the fuck would want to stay with you especially when you were acting so hysterical. But Jean doesn't walk away. In fact, he walks into the bathroom.

You look up t see what he's doing. He goes straight to the cabinet and opens it. He takes out a handful of paper towels and turns the faucet on and wets the towels. You have no idea what the fuck he's doing or why he's grabbing the towels and wetting them but you just continue to watch him.

Then finally, he takes a seat on the floor, directly in front of you, still holding the damp towels.

He lifts the towels near his face and makes pretend to pat it before asking, "Can I?" He wants to wipe your face from the tears and excess blood. Your heart skips a beat as he goes on. "I know it's really personal but judging from the conditions of your hands, it probably hurts too much to do anything. I just don't want you to hurt yourself more but I understand if you don't-" You stop his ramble and just nod and say

"Please."

He smiles softly and nods back before scooting even closer to you. Your knees are touching and you both lean your faces in so they're inches apart. Jean clears his throat before speaking up.

"Okay, I'm just going to hold your face with one hand to steady you out and wipe you off with my other hand? Okay?"

Your heart is racing and you feel a million emotions, but right now, the thought of Jean holding your face doesn't seem too bad. You nod and he goes in.

His left hand reaches up and holds your chin and his right hand starts gently wiping your face down with the paper towels. The towels are warm and feel relaxing. Jean's hand feels so soft as he holds you by the chin. You look him directly in the eye for a few seconds before closing your eyes.

It was the first time all day you felt this relaxed and safe. The only sounds was the rain and you and Jean's breathing.

"Just keep taking deep breaths." Jean whispers as the towel meets your forehead. You try to listen but each breath you take is still so shakey. It feels impossible to breath right even now. Jean notices. "Y/N." You hum and open your eyes.

He's looking right back at you. You swear, in that moment, you've never seen Jean look more pretty than he did right now. He was an inch away from your face but he just looked so soft and sweet. You'd never seen him look this way before.

He looked so worried for you. Even despite the shit show all around you and what he witnessed today, the way he was looking at your right now was almost as if you were the most delicate thing in the world.

You're heart was absolutely melting for him, even if you didn't want to admit it. And of course you never would.

"Try to follow my breathing. You still sound a little messed up. I just want make sure you can at least breath correctly. You can close your eyes again, I'm almost done. Just follow from my breaths, okay?"

You can't speak even if you wanted to so you just nod and close your eyes. As soon as you do, you feel his hand leave your chin.

Now he rests his left hand near the side of your face and he tilts it over a little so he can start wiping that side down.

You hope he doesn't notice for your own sake of embarrassment, but you lean into his touch, almost like you can't help it and like you needed it. It felt so nice to be near him. You wish he'd just put down the towel and just hold you completely but you knew that couldn't happen. So you tried to enjoy this.

Eventually you hear Jean take a deep breath and you follow. It takes a few tries to match his breaths but you eventually get there. It takes a good few minutes but Jean is so patient with you for some reason.

Once your breathing is back to normal you hear him whisper "Atta girl" and chuckle softly.

You open your eyes just to roll them at him but as soon as you do he's setting the towel down and saying "You're all cleaned up. Well your face at least." He chuckles softly. Although he set the towels down, he continued the gentle hold on your face.

You try to savor it, expecting him to let go but he doesn't. Instead, he keeps his soft hands near your cheek as he speaks up. "I meant everything I said before. Everything." He keeps saying that. He must be desperate to have you know this. His eyes match the desperation in his voice.

You feel your eyes tear up again but before anything can fall from them you feel Jean's thumb caress right under your eye. Now you really can't help but lean into his touch.

Before you can tell him anything he goes on. He whispers so lowly and he stares deeply into your eyes, almost as if they were glued to you and you'd disappear if he looked away.

"I wish I could take away anything bad that you're feeling. I'd do it in a heart beat." His thumb continues to caress your cheekbone and your skin feels warm.

He continues. "You have no idea how quickly I'd do it for you." He whispers that last sentence so closely to your lips. You feel his hand move to the back of your neck but they don't stay there for too long because he's now moving whatever hair was near your shoulders or in your face away from you and he begins to smooth out your hair.

Fuck.

You wanted to kiss Jean so badly right now.

If he were to lean in and do it right no there's no doubt in your mind you'd welcome it. But for some reason, there was something stopping the two of you. Your heart rate had calmed down and so has your breathing.

Everything that was happening between you and Jean right now just resurrected any feelings you had for him. All of those weeks of convincing yourself you hated him were completely obliterated. Before you have the chance to  speak up, you accidentally clench your fist and wince at the pain, breaking the eye contact you and Jean had.

You're reminded of your hand dilemma and so is Jean. Your hands were your biggest issue, physically. Jean lets go of you and looks down at your hands with you. You sigh and the loss of contact and Jean speaks up.

"Time to clean you up here." You look up at him and say "You don't have to. You've done enough. It's probably only a matter of time now before Shadis finds me in here to beat my ass." Jean laughs softly as you continue. "Plus I don't want you watch my ass getting beat, I have to savor what little pride I have left, Kirstein. I can take people like Annie, but Shadis is pretty intimidating." You joke.

You're surprised you still have it in you to joke but you're relieved. It's a sign the real you is still in there somewhere.

Jean gives you a dirty look and goes on. "Shadis doesn't have shit on you. You'd wipe the floor with that bag of bones." You suck the inside of your cheek and let out a laugh and Jean smiles softly at that. "I don't know. I'd say I'm a little rusty with the fights." You say.

Jean rolls his eyes. "You don't have to go fishing for compliments you know? I'd just give them to you if you ask nicely." You giggle again before saying "I don't want compliments, I want this glass out of my hand." You look up at Jean and he kicks his leg out to shut the bathroom door. You hear the lock click and you cock your head to the side at him.

"Then let's get that glass out of your hand." He scoots next to you so your both now sitting side by side. He adds on "And when Shadis busts through that door to take you away for whatever punishment they have for you-" He gently holds your wrists and places your hand on his laps as he finishes his sentence. "-they're gonna have to drag me along with you."

He adds on "You're an idiot for punching a mirror, but you're lucky I like you."

You're lucky I like you.

The sentence replays in your head.

I like you so much it's literally killing me you think to yourself.

You suck in your cheek again and look at him. Was this all just a really vivid dream? Why was he doing all of this for you?

You decide to save the questions for later. Now wasn't a time for questions. You wanted this glass out of you as much as he did.

So you give yourself over to Jean.

"Hey." He whispers to you and takes his attention off hands and looks over at you. You're staring ahead, choosing not to look at the pain that's about to happen.

Suddenly you feel Jean gently turn your face to look at him. Your heart swells even more. You choke out a "Hi."

It reminds you of the night you pulled that prank on him and the roles were reversed. Jean smiles softly and runs his fingers across your jawline before leaving your face. He speaks up.

"This is going to hurt, but I'm going to go as gentle as I can. Okay?"

A soft "Okay" is all you can get out. How is that Jean could make you feel so safe and comfortable yet so nervous all at the same time? It was the best kind of nervous though. The one that gave you butterflies and made you're heart melt. There was something about him that always always so addicting.

Jean starts with the small pieces because he knows those are the ones that will hurt the most. You squeeze your eyes shut and try your best to conceal whatever sounds of pain you let out. You do a pretty good job at dealing with the pain but that doesn't stop Jean from asking every minute if you're okay. You'd just say yes and encourage him to keep going. The glass had to come out one way or another. And you rather be doing it with Jean by your side as opposed to crying and alone.

It doesn't take it him long to clear up the first hand. To be fair, the hand he did start on wasn't nearly as bad as the other hand.

As soon as he starts on the second one you can't help but let out the cries of pain every now and then. Jean's sweet affirmations of "I know's" and "We're almost done" barely get you through it. It isn't until he starts picking away at you palm that you can't take it anymore.

There was one piece in particular that made your eyes water and you cried out in pain. Almost instinctively, you bury your head in Jean's shoulder to almost hide away from the pain.

As soon as you nuzzle in, you realize what the fuck you just did and you take your head out of his neck and shoulder. You feel embarrassed that you got that close to him and you expect him to make a joke but he doesn't. Instead he stops picking at your hand to look at you.

"If you wanna do that, you can. I don't mind." As soon as he says that he goes right back to finishing up your hand. You almost smile but it disappears as he takes another tiny piece of glass out of your hand. So you decide to take advantage of your own pain.

You sigh and rest your head back on his shoulder. Since you finally had a hand free of glass you also took it upon yourself to squeeze his arm to ease some of the pain off. Not to your surprise anymore, he didn't seem to mind that either.

You nuzzle a little too comfortably in his shoulder and move closer next to him. You just wanted to be close to him now. You hoped you weren't overstepping a boundary but he didn't seem to mind.

It sounds incredibly corny, but at the time it stood true. As you sat next to Jean, holding his arm and resting your head on his shoulder, and as he picked glass out of your hand and the rain poured on and on;

It truly felt like you two were the only two people in the world.

And you wanted to stay here just for a little longer. But eventually it has to come to an end.

"All done." Jean ran his hand over yours to make sure all glass was cleared out. And sure enough, it was. "They still look shitty but they'll heal eventually. Either way, you pull it off so I wouldn't worry too much. Especially after we bandage them."

Your head stays on his shoulder and you gave his arm a final squeeze before getting off of him completely and sitting up. You two still sat on the bathroom floor and you had finally calmed down. Your head was a lot clearer.

"Thank you, Jean."

Jean stares out ahead of you two but his hand reaches over to rest on top of yours and he gives your smaller hands a squeeze. "Of course." He whispers.

It was only a matter of time now before you really had to leave this room and face your consequence. No matter how much you wished you could sit in a room alone with Jean forever, it could never be that way.

You think about you, Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt's plan for after the cadets. How Reiner and Bert were going to the scouts and you were supposed to go to the MPs with Annie. You chuckle softly. There was no way between beating up Annie the way you did and breaking the mirror they were going to let you into the MPs. Even if you did make the top ten in your class.

"What's so funny?" Jean smiles as he rubs his thumbs over the back on your hands. You loved holding his hands and his tenderness right now gives you an idea.

You look down at his hand and smile. You decide to intertwine them yourself  just to see if he'd hold your hand back. You were so desperate to be closer to Jean. In anyway. You two had seen each other looking like shit and he basically poured his emotions out to you earlier and you cried to him. The lines of boundaries were so blurred between you two so what was hand holding? Plus it wasn't your guys' first time doing so.

Worst case he doesn't hold it back.

You flip your hand up and lace your fingers with his.

He doesn't even hesitate to hold it back. You try to squeeze his hand but he scolds you "Don't do that, your hand is all cut up still." You roll your eyes and feel him rub his thumb over your cut knuckles gently.

"I was thinking about how I can kiss the MPs goodbye. That's why I was laughing." You chuckle softly.

Jean turns his head towards you and cocks an eyebrow. "What? Why? I didn't even know you wanted to go to the military police."

You shrug and mumble "You think they'd still let me in after I almost beat a girl to death and after vandalizing a bathroom?" You smile to yourself and kick some glass that surrounds you two. None of it even mattered anymore. You go on.

"Maybe I'll look into the scouts. I think I'd look good green." You sigh out and stare at you and Jean's intertwined hands. You smile down at them and sniffle.

"I wanted to go to the MPs too. I think they'd still let you in." Jean says. You shake your head and shrug. "Doubt it. You better come visit me in the scouts though." You tease.

Jean sighs. "Stop that."

"What?"

"You're not joining the scouts. That's basically a death wish." Jean says sounding annoyed.

"Well I'm not getting into the MPs so it's time I start looking into different career paths, Jean boy." Jean gives you a dirty look for calling him Eren's nickname and you shoot him a smirk.

He turns his head forward and is silent for a few seconds. He looks back down at your shared hands and he gives the lightest squeeze before speaking up.

"If you still wanna go to the MPs, we'll get you into the fucking MPs."

He reaches over to the side of him and picks up a large piece of glass with the hand he isn't using to hold yours. Without missing a second he takes the piece in his palm and crushes it in his hand, breaking it in a million pieces and shattering it, cutting his hand everywhere.

Your eyes widen and you sit up. "WHAT THE FUCK!" You yell out and try to grab his hand with your only free hand but he stops you.

"Calm down."

You shoot him a nasty look. "You just fucking cut your hand everywhere-" Before you can continue, he cuts you off.

"I'll take the blame for the mirror." Jean says without hesitation. His face looks dead serious

"What?"

"I'll take the blam-"

"No, I heard you but what the fuck?" You don't understand why he's doing all of this.

"I mean you're already going to get hell for the Annie thing and I mean what I said before. You don't deserve any of this bullshit. And if it's in my power to take any of it away from you, I will."

You can't cry again, you dumbass. Don't do it.

He goes on.

"Plus, once this cadet bullshit is over, I'm not going to be ready to say goodbye to you just yet. So I'll see you in the MPs." He smiles and brings your still conjoined hands onto his lap and he starts rubbing circles into your palms like nothing just happened. He has that soft smile on his face.

"I don't know what to say. Thank you-"

"You don't have to say anything. It's okay. I want this, do you?"

You assume he's just talking about the military police so you just say "Yes." In response.

You sigh and lay back against the wall and squeeze his hand. You don't care if he scolds you. You missed holding his hand for too long.

"You're an idiot." You whisper and squeeze his hand.

"Dumbass." He whispers back and returns the squeeze.

Your hands almost feel like they were made for each other. They just fit so perfectly.

There was just something about Jean. Even from the first day you met him that captivated you. You had a feeling deep down you'd never meet anyone else quite like him in your life. Someone like Jean just wasn't replicated. He was one of a kind.

Maybe you agreed with him. You weren't quite ready to let him go either. And maybe he was right about earlier too. You two hated being alone and that's why each other's company just felt so right.

So you two sat in that bathroom for just a little longer, listening to the rain and savoring this moment alone together.

Who knew how many more moments you'd have alone with him for your time here in Paradis. So you figured you should do something about it now while you can. You wanted to make time for him while you could, just to see what would happen. Being with Jean felt too right and you didn't want that to go away anytime soon.

"So, how have you been these past few weeks while we were on our hiatus?" Jean breaks the silence once again and turns his head towards you. You turn your head to meet his. Your noses are an inch apart as you respond. "Don't act like Sasha didn't tell you everything."

He smiles and says "She'd only tell me so much." You grin and push his forehead away from you. "So you asked about me? You're obsessed with me just admit it." You tease and giggle. You have to admit, the idea of him asking Sasha about you for those weeks you didn't talk makes your knees weak and your heart beat a little faster.

"Just a little bit." He says lowly. "It's hard not to be."

You roll your eyes and say "You really wanna know what I've been up to?" You get the best idea and hope Jean will agree to it.

"More than anything." He says. You can't tell if he's actually being serious so you go along with it and hope for the best.

You gather all the courage in you and say fuck it. "Then let's meet up sometime this week after lights out. I'll tell you all about it." You now rub your thumbs into his palm hoping to persuade him.

He stares at you only for a few seconds before asking "Really?"

"Really." You shrug. It was just an excuse to spend more time alone with him. Suddenly, you feel his hand leave yours and you glance down from the loss of contact. He sticks his pinky out and looks at you.

You have no fucking idea what he's doing.

"What? You don't want to?" You ask. He furrows his eyebrows at you and you give him a dirty look back. "No you dumbass, it's a pinky promise."

"I have no fucking idea what that is." You stare at his pinky and back to him. You already miss holding his hand. What the fuck was this?

"What do you mean you don't know what the fuck this is? Where the fuck are you from that you don't know what a pinky promise is?"

You give him another dirty look at the question. "Questions later." You say dryly.

Jean rolls his eyes and says "Fine, but intertwine your pinky with mine and make a promise."

He picks your hand up and intertwines his pinky with yours. It looks kinda ridiculous but you just go along with it.

"What do you want me to promise?" You ask.

"You can promise me anything you want."

You sigh and think. There were a million things you wanted to promise Jean but right now you decide to keep it simple.

"I promise to meet up with you one of these nights as long as I get this Jean and not that fucked up version you gave me last time we met up." You squeeze his pinky as hard as you can and he smiles. You add on to your sentence. "But you have to come and find me yourself. Your turn."

Jean's soft smile stays on his face and he makes his promise. He doesn't even have to think about it the way you do. His words are so soft, like everything he's said today.

"I promise, I'll always come and find you."

He gives your pinky a squeeze and you two let go and go back to holding each other's fucked up hands. You two stay in the bathroom until the rain clears up.

Which isn't for another few hours. If there was any doubt before, there was none now.

You and Jean truly felt like the only two people in the whole world in those moments. You hope it wouldn't be the last time you'd feel this way with him.

You rest your head back on his shoulder and close your eyes.

--------------------------------------------------------