Nicole's POV
I always knew there was something wrong with me. And it wasn't just that I didn't feel like I deserved love or that I was beautiful.
I knew I had bulimia when the only thing I was thinking about when someone mentioned food was how I would throw it up later.
Do I only eat half and immediately go to the bathroom? Do I pretend to eat it and spit it in a napkin? Will my parents hear?
Ha, who am I kidding, my mom would encourage it. She would absolutely look at me, criticize me while I shove two fingers into my throat as I throw up the dinner she cooked. She would hold my hair, and for one second it would feel sweet, motherly, until she would tell me that I'm disgusting and that no one will love me like this.
I've been living with my eating disorder for four years and while I'm constantly trying to get better while no one knows, sometimes I still fail and binge and purge. It doesn't matter where. Any place, any time.
I've been twenty days clean from purging. I know I don't purge almost daily as I used to two years ago, but I am still far away from healing my eating disorder.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and like what I see, despite gaining a few pounds since my half assed recovery.
Other times I feel like purging until I dehydrate like a raisin and die.
No one knows, except for my mom and Louis.
When we were in a relationship, he noticed my weird habits around food, he never said anything until...
Two years ago
"Why are you crying?!" Louis puts his hands over his head disgusted and annoyed at me but I can't stop crying.
I look at the phone in my hand and tears fall on the screen. The video that Irène sent me of James fucking her right at that party.
I am so weak and pathetic, how can I cry about this when I'm dating Louis, how can I claim I love him and still hurt my best friend by kissing the worst person I could kiss. James.
"Louis, I'm so sorry, I-" My throat tightens from the guilt. "I kissed James at that party..."
Louis seems devastated, and I know he would cry if I wasn't here. He doesn't usually hide his feelings, but he won't ever show it to someone who betrayed him like I did.
"W- when?" his voice is shaky.
"Two days ago."
"Ah..." he turns around, without looking at me once. And he leaves the room.
I know he wants to insult me, but he is better than that, better than me. I can't believe I lost him for someone who would fuck anything that breathes, no matter who it is.
I collapse on the bed and I cry so hard my pillow dampens my whole face and hair. I ruined everything for someone who just ruined me.
He comes back, even though I don't expect it. I immediately sit up and I smile, hoping he can forgive me, if not now, at least later.
"How..." he starts speaking and his jaw tightens. I've never seen him more angry and disappointed.
I can't breathe. I expect the worst and maybe I deserve it.
"How can you be so pathetic and stupid that you have zero self worth? For him? The guy who beats you and pushes you to the ground?" He comes closer to my face.
"Should I do that too? Is that what turns you on?" He grabs my chin and I whimper harder, not expecting this from him at all.
"No, no, it's not like that. I just loved him so much, you know he was my first-"
"Don't you hear how fucking gross you sound? He was your first... who fucking cares? Does this give you the right to hurt me?"
His eyes are red and his skin is flushed, he kept his anger in for so long that he just burst. He is tired of everyone using him as a doormat.
"I should have known you are fucked up when all you did was throw up your food. You aren't even skinny. Do it better."
Now
Not going to lie. That made me relapse really badly and it took me a long time to heal, to not try to do it better. I forgave Louis in my mind, I felt like I deserved every single word, but I never heard from him again and I never had the chance to apologize a second time.
I know I'm changed now and this experience helped me grow but I still think about James.
It's not because I love him but because I loathe myself that I could ever love someone like him.
Cyprian helps me a lot, talking to him doesn't cure me, but he is so nice and thoughtful that I forget who I was before him.
I put on my heels and I suddenly get a text from him.
We are going out on our first date.
I didn't think I could get back into dating but with him it feels so easy.
And I am finally finding my self worth.
Cyprian: I'm here
I smile and I remember to stop when I realize my concealer creases too much when I smile.
It will be hard to not smile when I see him.
Veronica didn't go back to her dorm after her class but I assume she met up with Brandon.
I open the door and Cyprian stands in front of me, with a smug smile on his face. He is wearing an unbuttoned white shirt, a bit more confident than what I'm used to, four buttons down. His pants are black and tight.
He takes my hand into his and looks down at me.
My dress is short and red, highlighting my waist.
"You are beautiful," he says as he kisses me on my forehead.
I'm dying inside. I know it's very soon and I need to calm down, I can't let my guard down, but he is so different from anything I've ever had. James was all I knew, and now I know it wasn't true love.
I hope Cyprian won't disappoint me.
He puts his arm on my lower back and he closes the door after we are out.
"Where's your roommate?" he asks, taking me by surprise.
Why is he asking about Veronica?
"Oh... I don't know where she went," I answer honestly but still wary.
Why am I so paranoid?
"I parked in the nearest empty lot I could find," he says.
I nod. Sometimes the parking spots are filled to the grim here and you have to park less than a mile away.
We are going to a restaurant. We wanted to watch a movie too but we decided to leave it for another date.
What if he doesn't like me anymore? What if I'm too boring and annoying?!
His car is a black Hyundai and extremely clean as if he just went to a car wash, which he probably did.
He opens the door for me and I get inside his car, putting the seatbelt on right away.
"What music do you like?"
"I'm a softie, anything sad and hopeless."
"You are not going to be sad with me so I don't think that fits the mood." He smirks.
AH. Keep your cool, Nicole.
"I'll keep that in mind."
He lets me pick the music I want and I put on Fire For You by Cannons.
It doesn't take us long to get to the restaurant where he booked a table. It's not too fancy but it's still a pretty, crowded place with amazing food.
The waiter greets us and shows us the table. We sit down and she puts the menus in front of us.
I immediately decide what I want to eat because I always eat the same thing when I come here.
"Sorry, I want spaghetti alle vongole," I tell the waiter.
"I think I'll go with lasagna," Cyprian adds. "Also red wine."
"Okay, can you please hand me your ID."
"Never mind, water is fine," Cyprian says.
I laugh. He really tried and failed and he doesn't even look that young. "Water for me too, thank you."
"So, tell me about your life," I say.
"Well, you know I'm from Nashville, Tennessee and I don't have a father," he replies.
"I want to know more," I say.
He thinks for a few seconds of what to say, "I study biochemistry at Vanderbilt University. I've been working two jobs since I was fifteen, my mom wasn't the most reliable person and now her Alzheimer's has gotten worse," he opens up.
"I'm sorry," I say sincerely.
"Don't worry. I think it shaped me into the person I am today."
"I understand your situation. My mom hates me and I wish I was joking. She never fails to remind me how much of an inconvenience I am to her and how I am a failed abortion."
"I don't understand how parents can be so cruel," he says with sadness in his tone.
"I'd never treat my children this way." I pause. "To her I'm ugly, stupid, pathetic and fat. I ruined her freedom and her beauty. Not like the perfect daughter she wishes she had," I look down trying to not cry. I never open up about certain things especially with a guy I met a few months ago. I know we've been getting to know each other as friends and now as more, but it's probably still too soon.
"Your mother is blind. You aren't fat at all. And you are the most beautiful and smart girl I know."
I smile, a tear slides down my cheek and I immediately wipe it away.
It's this easy to make me fall in love. Perhaps I'm still pathetic like my mom says.
Cyprian takes my hand and caresses it.
"Whoever knows you and doesn't appreciate you is a fool," he whispers.
I laugh bitterly. "You are so sweet."
"And you deserve nothing less."
I should change the subject because I will burst out crying here.
"How come you came from Tennessee to Georgia?"
"I plan to transfer to your college next year."
"Is it because of me?" I flirt.
"Maybe," he says smiling. "But I also know some people there and I think it's a better fit for me."
I chuckle. "You go to Vanderbilt. I don't think our under-funded college is better than that."
"Ok, fine. You caught me. I'm doing all of this to be close to you."
"Aw, my stalker," I pretend to be flattered.
"I prefer the word admirer."
We both laugh a bit too loud. A couple trying to calm down their toddler turns around to look at us and shoots disapproving looks.
"Ma'am, it's a restaurant," he jokes and I can't stop laughing.
The lady doesn't laugh at all.
"But still, don't you have classes to attend now?"
In these three months he went back a few times, but he said he is staying here at some relatives' house.
"We are on spring break and some of the classes are online."
The pasta finally arrives and it's burning hot. I know eating isn't my forte but I will try to eat more tonight. I just feel so good and happy and I haven't felt like this in a long time.
Everything will be okay.
"Do you have many friends?" he asks as we eat our dinner.
I take a sip from the water glass. "Kind of. Do you?"
"Yeah, here too. They invited me to the party where we met."
"What's their names?"
"Uh-" he freezes. I put down the glass, confused about his reaction.
"Just that guy."
I chuckle. "'That guy' doesn't seem very telling."
He seems to be getting more and more nervous.
Did I say something wrong? Maybe he just doesn't have friends and it makes him feel bad about saying that.
"It's okay, let's move on," I reassure him.
A few minutes later of savoring our dinner, he speaks, "I noticed you are extremely close to Veronica. How did you two meet?"
I gulp down hard. This doesn't feel right. I know on a date you ask all these kind of questions but this isn't the first time he asks me about Veronica.
"Do you like her or what?" I burst out.
I regret it immediately. I don't want to have trust issues, I don't want to look at every boy and see James Carson.
"What the fuck?" From his tone he seems seriously offended. "No. I was just asking."
"Why are you asking me about her again?" I hope to hear the right thing, even if it's not true.
No, I'm supposed to want the truth, not the sweet little lies James used to feed me. It's so hard to re-learn habits.
He pauses a bit too long.
"Because I want to get to know you."
"So get to know me, not my best friend!" I shouldn't overreact but I can't help it. It's... too weird.
I don't want to be hurt again.
"I'm sorry, Nicole, I didn't think it would upset you. I want to know you," he apologizes and I feel horrible. I do not know when I'll be normal again.
"I'm sorry too. I know I shouldn't excuse myself this way but I was in a toxic relationship and it just ruined my trust in people. It's really hard to trust people," I open up and he seems empathetic.
"Don't say sorry. I fucked up. I'm the one who needs to apologize," he says and I get emotional again.
I didn't know it could be someone else's fault too, I thought it was always me the problem. It feels good and validating to hear the word sorry from someone else.
I just want this one good thing.
After we finished eating and he paid the whole bill, we go back to his car and I notice it's already 11 pm.
It's getting warmer outside as it's already spring but the nights are cold.
"You are shivering," he points out as he opens the car door for me.
"I didn't want to ruin my outfit with a jacket."
I only had two jackets and both didn't go well with my dress. I always overthink every small detail. I'd rather be cold than ugly.
Cyprian chuckles at how ridiculous I am and I can't disagree, James hated this about me.
James hated everything about me, just not my body. He wished I was skinnier, though.
Will I always compare every boy I meet to him? Perhaps it's better for me so I know to never lower my standards again.
Cyprian sets up the car temperature higher, I try to warm up my hands but he stops me.
He doesn't say anything as he takes my hands and softly blows on them and massages them between his big hands.
Cold? I don't feel it anymore. Suddenly the car is way too hot.
"Are you warmer?" he asks and I gulp down nervously before nodding.
He lets go of my hands and he cups my face, completely taking me by surprise. He doesn't kiss me right away, as if he is waiting for me to push him away, but I kiss him first.
I haven't kissed anyone in so long. I would usually fantasize about what it would be like to kiss somebody else and if I still know how to do it, but with Cyprian it feels so natural, easy, passionate, as if it's the only purpose I was born for.
It's easier than breathing. Breathing becomes so manual when you focus on it but kissing him is soft, warm, effortless.
I open my mouth slightly, letting him explore my mouth with his tongue. I notice the butterflies in my stomach and I smile.
He smiles and breaks the kiss slightly. He then kisses me again, this time more fiercely and passionate.
We wanted this to happen for months now and it couldn't have been more perfect.