Chapter Song: Don't Lose Sight by Lawrence
Wednesday, 30 October 2019
⪻⪻⪼⪼
It's not like books describe it, being in a sort of coma, at least not for me. There was no out of body experience, I didn't see my parents in some sort of limbo between heaven and earth, I didn't even dream. It was just darkness, complete and utter darkness from what I can remember. I hated it, even though at the time I don't even remember it.
And waking up whilst drugged up was definitely an experience, one that I've gone through before, but this time it seemed completely different. Everything was hazy and the words people were saying almost went in one ear and out the other.
"How are you feeling?" His smile is soft, voice even softer as he looks at me through his thick curled lashes. I've never been so thankful to be in his presence than now. But the question is quite loaded for my pounding head.
Did he mean mentally and emotionally, because if I'm being honest I just feel rather numb and foggy. Or did he mean physically? Because the answer would be: I feel like shit. My arm hurts, my head hurts worse, my hip is sore, but my side... it's even worse than my head. The mere thought of my head has me taking a calming deep breath. I can't believe that there's something sticking out of my skull, something that I can't see or touch. I'm doing my absolute best not to move my head at all, not wanting to feel the sensation that Liam said I may feel if I accidentally tug on the cord. Rest assured I'd be doing no tugging or moving.
"Sleepy." I settle on, trying to keep my breathing level. The minor work of me simply inhaling causes me more pain than is imaginable.
"I know, baby." Harry lightly chuckles, his face a shade of golden yellow from the dim light in the room. The nurses say it's to reduce the stimuli in the room, which I'm very appreciative of. I can't imagine the headache I'll have when it's morning.
"Bit annoyed with you though." I breathe out, allowing my eyes to fall shut. I hear Harry breathe out a laugh and I can only imagine him shaking his head.
"Are you now?" A smirk crosses my chapped lips as I flutter my eyes open, my irises meeting his at my bedside. There's a look of mischief behind his tired eyes and a hint of guilt. "Well, I guess I'm just going to have to make it up to you for the rest of my life." I exhale a laugh, immediately regretting that motion when the stinging pain in my ribs echoes loudly throughout my body. Immediately, Harry jolts to his feet, hands hovering over me as though they'd break me if he were to touch me.
"Don't laugh, baby. Shhh-" he shushes, settling a gentle hand on my unscathed hand at my side farthest from his stance. "Are you feeling much pain?"
"It hurts-"
"Where?" Now, he's concerned, the crease between his brows deep.
"Everywhere." I grit honestly.
Harry stands from the chair he's sat in at my bedside and hits the small red call button at my side. He's very attached to that button, having now pushed it for the third time since I've been awake. If he were on the other side of the call button I'd have no doubt he'd be annoyed, but who am I to tell him off.
"I'll get the nurse in here to bump up your pain meds."
As much as I want relief from the full-body aches and pains I have, I really don't want any more drugs. They make my mind hazy, my eyes heavy, and most of the room spin, and right now I just want to be present with Harry. I've only been fully awake for about an hour and a half, I don't want to go back to sleep just yet. Soon, but not yet.
"No. No drugs."
"Love, I just want you to be comfortable."
"I can hold out... a little longer; just wanna be here with you... conscious, for a little while longer." He looks like he wants to argue with me on the matter so a add a very sad sounding, "please." Harry sighs, nodding his head in understanding before leaning down and pressing a kiss to my forehead.
"I'll go talk to the nurse. Do you need anything?"
"Just you." Harry smiles and if I were feeling 100% I'd be gushing, but right now all I can manage is a small, lazy uptick of my mouth.
"I'll be right back. I love you." With another kiss to my temple, Harry leaves the room.
I'm left in complete and utter silence, aside from the quiet sounds outside my hospital room. It doesn't feel real, or even really possible that I'm here. One minute I'm having a laugh, having a good time, and the next I've woken up in a desolate hospital room with a worried fiancé by my side. It's almost as if this is all a dream, one that I can't tell if I want to wake up from. I don't remember anything past leaving the bakery this morning with Leigh-Anne and Nathalie, it's just a whole lot of darkness and then waking up in this place. It's quite nerve-wracking. Apparently, I was in and out of it for quite a while before surgery; but thank god I don't remember that mess.
A soft knock emits from the closed door of my room before it's pushed open to reveal a man that could light up any room with his presence. He smiles widely when he sees me, clad in his usual scrubs and wearing his spectacles high on his nose. He looks tired, but still as giddy as ever.
"There's our girl." He beams, dropping down into the seat Harry once occupied, but not before kissing my forehead. I've been getting a lot of those lately and I can't say I'm complaining.
"Niall." He breathes out a whistled breath before wiping at his forehead jokingly.
"Thank God you remembered my name, was afraid I'd come in here and I'd be like some 50 First Dates shit."
"I don't have amnesia," at least not completely.
"Well, thank goodness for that." After a brief pause, he asks the question that's at the tip of his tongue, "how are you feeling? Had us all worried there for a minute."
"Fine. Feeling... as you would expect."
"Feeling like you fell seven meters?" If I could widen my eyes without my brain wanting to flop out of my head, I probably would have.
"seven meters?"
"That's what they tell me. Glad you're okay though. You had Harry about ready to have a coronary." He's joking, that I know, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Just imagining Harry sitting around in a waiting room with no word on my condition for who knows how long has my heart hurting. If it were the other way around I'd be an absolute mess. "Shit, hey, didn't mean to make you cry."
I don't even realize that I'm crying until he said something. I'm not even sure why I'm crying, maybe the pain medication, or maybe it's the gravity of the situation just now hitting me.
Niall's quick to gently brush the tears away, nervously telling me not to cry, and pulling faces as if to make me feel better. I'm sure the faces work on his normal patient clientele, but not so much me.
"I leave you two alone for two minutes and you're already making her cry? Nice going, Horan." Harry lightly scolds, walking around to the other side of my bed.
From his side, he's able to take my non-broken hand in his, careful to watch the IV in my arm. He smiles down at me, taking over for Niall to wipe the slowly falling tears down my cheeks.
"Not my fault your girl is sensitive." Niall jests, patting my shin lightly. "I'll get out of your hair, just wanted to see you with my own two eyes. I'll bring Ruby by later tomorrow if you're feeling up for it, she's been really worried about you too."
"I'd like that. Thank you."
With another kiss to my head a wave to Harry, Niall leaves the room to give Harry and I some privacy. It's quiet between us for a bit, Harry getting settled in his chair and I just staring at him for no particular reason. I blame my swollen brain for my lack of common courtesy as to not stare.
"You should sleep."
"I don't want to." I pitifully argue, pouting my lip as best I can. The smile on Harry's lips is enough to cure my headache and other aches, or at least make me forget them. "I love you," I whisper, watching as Harry leans forward and pushes some of my hair out of my face.
"I love you so bloody much." I pucker my lips, silently begging for him to kiss my lips. He obliges immediately, leaning over to press a chaste kiss to my mouth. Sighing, he sits back and lets his eyes fall. After a few moments, he sighs again before looking back up to my eyes. "I have to tell you something, Belle."
"I'm dying, aren't I." Now I'm the one to give him the coronary.
"What? Fuck no; don't say that."
"Sorry." I apologize, doing my best to squeeze his hand back. "What is it?" My total curiosity is masked by my sleepiness and pain.
"When you were under, you had some blood work drawn to make sure your levels were within range. Luckily, your levels were fairly normal."
"What did they find?" Even my slow brain could put the pieces together that they found something. He wouldn't bring it up if they hadn't.
"Belle, baby," Harry's smiling again, eyes already welling with tears. I brace myself for the news I'm about to receive, my brain going to the worst-case scenario despite the smile on his face. What could he possibly have to smile about in a situation like now? "You're pregnant."
The air feels like it's been completely sucked out of my lungs and if my ribs weren't broken I'd probably draw in a sharp breath. My broken brain is firing off signals for me to do or say something, but all I can do is lay there and stare at Harry. I know he'd never joke around about that, definitely not in a setting like this, but there's no way he's being serious. There's absolutely no way. I must be extremely concussed; imagining this entire conversation in my brain.
I'm racking my mind for any type of memory of suspecting I'm pregnant, but coming up empty. I don't remember feeling differently or suspecting anything. I don't remember talking to anyone about the possibility, definitely not with Harry. I definitely don't remember taking a test.
"Pregnant?"
"Yes, love. Your surgeons had Dr Hood come in and do a scan whilst you were out, just to confirm and be sure that everything was okay." Even though it's a lot to take in and I almost want to laugh at how this is so not possible, I can't help but be worried.
"Is the baby-"
"Baby's fine. You're only about five weeks along. Your body just did everything it could to protect it." I'm grateful enough for that. I don't think I could have handled having to wrap my head around losing a baby I didn't even know I had. The female body is truly a wonder. "Dr Hood will come in and talk to us in the morning though; she'll go over every possibility with us."
"I could lose the baby." Harry heavily sighs, his eyes falling down towards my stomach.
"I won't lie to you, you could," He's quick to continue, not wanting to stay on a depressing note, "but we're not going to think about that, alright? We're not going to put that thought into the atmosphere."
"But I was..." I try to breathe steadily, letting my eyes fall shut for a few moments as I try to think, my thoughts all over the place, "taking birth control."
"The pill's not always effective, love, you know that."
I still can't wrap my head around this. I can barely wrap my head around the news that I fell seven meters whilst indoor rock climbing. I can barely wrap my head around the fact that I have screws and plates in my arm keeping my elbow together. I can barely even fathom that I underwent a surgery that involved Liam drilling a hole in my skull to put a damn monitor thing in there. How can I possibly wrap my head around a pregnancy that I didn't plan?
"What's on your mind?" Harry asks, drawing me from my momentary internal panic. My head is pounding again and I want nothing more than to just close my eyes and will the pain away. Instead, I can't keep my eyes from falling down to my relatively flat stomach. It's by no means flat, but it's definitely not round with a visible pregnancy. "Hey, look at me."
with a gentle tap to my nose, I'm looking over at my fiancé. He's still slightly smiling but looking equally as worried at the same time. I know he's happy about this, I just know he is. He's always wanted to be a father, I see the way he is with Edward and I just know that fatherhood is it for him. Maybe if I weren't so much in shock I'd be gushing. Because as unexpected and unplanned as it is I am happy too. If there's anything good that's come out of today, it's this moment right here.
"I'm pregnant?" I really can't believe it.
"Yes, Belle."
"There's a baby in me?"
"That's what a pregnancy implies, yes." His large hand softly goes to rest in my lower abdomen, careful not to put any pressure on my aching body. "There's a baby right about here." With feather-soft touches, his fingers ghost at my tummy, a proud smile on his face.
"You're happy." I can't even think of anything else to say right now. I just see how bright his smile is and how genuinely happy he looks, nothing else matters at that moment.
"More than happy." Harry gushes, a blush almost covering his tanned cheeks. "I've got my beautiful girl and our little miracle baby, what more could I want in life?"
And that's when I start to sob.
⪻⪻⪼⪼
Oh my goodness, it's been two months... whoops!
It's been a crazy few months for me: I quit my job, started my dream job, and I'm in the process of relocating for my job. Safe to say I'm a bit busy, stressed, tired, excited, etc.! Please bear with me during these next few months as I sort my life out lol.
09.03.2022