I've been reading about those who blamed themselves for what's happening. A wife whose husband left for another woman, taking all the fault that their only daughter is now fatherless. A daughter who is unable to deal with her dementia mother, decided to move out but blaming herself for running away. A father who is his family's sole breadwinner, infecting his wife and two young children with Covid virus from office.
At times, we felt helpless. Then we blame ourselves for being helpless.
Other times, it's the sentiment we grew up with. That it's okay to make mistakes as long as we don't forget the mistake. Only stupid donkey fell into the same hole twice, and in order to not falling again, we kept remember the mistake we made. Unconsciously blaming ourselves, taking responsibility to beat ourselves up so we don't become lazy.
Practicing self-forgiveness helped us to live peacefully with ourselves and our surroundings. Research said it helps cultivate emotional wellbeing, positive attitude and better relationships with others. When we're kind to ourselves, we tend to be happier.
So, where do we start?
First is setting up expectations. Realistic expectation that is, and realistic according to us.
Despite being realistic, failures will happen. So second, we have to acknowledge that no one is perfect and of course this includes us. We'll rise and fall many times in our lives, thus we need to remember to also acknowledge the times we actually succeed. Focus on what we learn and how we can make it better next time around.
Aware that this is a process. Especially when growing up in an Asian culture where parents' expectation upon their children's educational achievements are rather high, It's hard for me to forgive myself for not being the top of the class in elementary school. Or not taking a more scientific-type major in university. There may be times in the future when I said to myself, regretting that I probably should have studied harder and enrolled in a science major to earn more income. But accepting the fact that I'm running on the literature track and making enough income to not worry about my finances is already a forgiving act.
But then, looking back, I realized that I've tried my best and did what's right. Now with where I stand, I'm focusing on how to move forward with what I have and make the best of it. Besides, if I don't start forgiving myself, I won't be able to forgive others.