TW// death, loss of a loved one, cancer.
I watched my brother grow up.
I watched him leave for tour, for months, even years at a time and soon he moved out. He was officially gone, his girlfriend turned him against me, she made me out to be a monster and he believed her.
We were never close but he knew when I needed him.
I laid in my bed staring at the same ceiling I have for the last two years, I held the phone to my ear with a weak hold. "Hi you've reached my voicemail-" I ended the call, sighing loudly. It's been the same for too long to remember now, my mum walked into the room with a small bug clearly face smile on her face.
It was the same look that made me feel sick, full of pity.
"I'm not getting better am I?" I ask, the multiple surgeries have failed and it's only a matter of time before it all comes to an end for me.
I had stomached the fact I was going to die a long time ago, they tell you you're supposed to have hope from the beginning but something told me that I would never get better.
The day I got the new it was spreading to my lungs and to my heart was the day I knew that one day I'd take my last breathe, I would take my last breathe of artificial air and I'd finally be at peace and feeling no pain.
"You are y/n! Don't say that!" She yelled. My mother on the other hand still had hope, it was clear it wasn't going to happen.
She stormed out of the room not being able to accept what I had told her, my doctor came in with a sad smile on my face. "How we feeling today, y/n?" I smiled and nodded through the pain I felt.
"I-I'm okay.." He knew I was lying but scribbled on the clipboard. "Can I ask you something?" I asked lowly.
"Of course, anything." He rushed out.
"Don't try to revive me, I'll be okay and I'll find my way. There's a letter under this mattress and if you ever get through to Ben and his band, give it to him." He nods sadly, "I will do.." Him saying that confirmed my thoughts.
Ben's POV
I got a letter delivered to me backstage before we played in Chicago this evening, the Great Depression tour was going great and nothing could ruin this, we felt like we were on cloud nine. Though all day I has this feeling of anxiety sitting in the pit of my stomach, I put it down to the show like I always did but I felt different. I felt disconnected.
I pulled out the paper realising it was a letter.
"Dear Ben,
It's been a while big brother, I tried to call you but I could never get through to you. As much as it is more humane to tell you in person I know I won't get the chance, I didn't want you finding out from mum or dad, I wanted you to hear it from me.
I'm sick Ben.
Well, if you're reading this, I was sick.
It's still early on but the cancer is spreading fast, my hair is falling out and I'm not the same person you would picture when you think of me.
I think I'm kinda glad you will never get to see me this way, you'll never have to picture me looking lifeless, you'll have a nice imagine of me. One that's less scary.
I have watched from afar you grow up into the incredible person you are today. You, Patty, Foley and Ali are grown men now, you're leaving your mark on the world like you have always dreamt to do. I'm so proud of you. I remember the day you asked me to do your makeup and I taught you how to do it.
Do you still do it the same way?
Did you ever get to see Australia? I have always wanted to see it, what's it like there?
Met any cool people while touring? What's Awsten Knight like? He grew up being my idol which I now know is stupid, the person I look up to will always be you. I mean I guess I could say I look down on you now.
Ben, I don't have much time, I just got the news it's spreading to my lungs and my heart. I know you'll feel guilty after you find out the truth but please don't. I've never stopped loving you, you'll always be my big brother and my idol. I forgive you.
Benjamin Langford-Biss, I will always support you in everything you do, I'll be right behind you watching over you and I'll leave little signs around for you.
You'll know I'm there.
I love you Ben. I'll see you again soon my rockstar.
Y/n Langford Biss <3
My heart shattered in a matter of seconds, "hey Ben are you ready to go?" Patty asked, he was hyped up and ready to go out but I couldn't do it.
I felt the grief overcome me like a ton of bricks, it brought me immense amounts of pain than one can only imagine. How could I be so stupid?
I pulled out my phone with shaking hands refusing to believe it's true, I called mum.
"B-ben.." I could hear her crying and in this exactly moment the world around slowed down, it spun rapidly and I felt like I was isolated and alone.
"No.. don't tell me it's true. The-the letter-" I stuttered over my words as they caught in my throat but I forced them out seeking an answer. "I'm sorry ben.. the cancer won." The phone fell from my hand, hitting the floor.
It was true, the truth was quickly setting in.
Id never hear their voice again.
Id never be able to hug them again and to smell their signature fragrance.
Their smile felt like home and their wise words they fed to me everyday I kept with me, clinging onto them and had them replaying on loop in my head constantly.
I expressed my sorrow through my free-falling saline tears.
"Ben!" I snapped out of it becoming grounded once again, "you're crying what is going on?" Foley panicked over my current state.
My knees felt weak, they buckled but Patty held me up. "They're gone.." I mumbled.
"Who's gone?" Ali asked helping me sit down.
"My sibling.. they're dead." Patty took the letter from my hand and read over it before comforting me. I felt numb.
-
It was a year later, I never answered their questions because it meant I had to accept the fact they were gone.
We were in our home town and I knew I had to visit somewhere before we played, I told the band I'll be back soon and drove to the graveyard.
I set a single white rose down in front of the headstone, I sat crossed legged on the ground.
"Hi y/n.. I couldn't answer you before because I couldn't accept the fact you were gone. I know you'd yell at me for being upset over you but I can't help it.." I chuckled lowly.
"I still do my makeup the exact same way, no brushes only my fingers. Patty thinks it's weird but I will always think just slapping it on with your finger works just as well. Australia is a beautiful place, I wish you could have seen it with me.
Awsten is very chaotic, you would have gotten on very well with him. He reminded me of you, the same laugh, the same energy. I'd like to think that you are looking down on me thinking only the best but I know that's not true, give me a sign one time, just so I know you're alright. I have nothing else to say to you y/n..."
I kissed my fingers and pressed it to the headstone. "Sleep well my love.." I smiled watching as the headstone turned blurry from the tears in my eyes.
"I love you.." I returned to the venue and walked into the green room, 10 minutes before we are set to go on stage.
"There you are! We thought you had gotten lost." Patty smiled widely patting my back, "these were delivered to us." Ali shows me the bouquet of white roses.
My heart swelled with happiness, their favourite..
"Do you know by who?" I asked picking a single rose from the bunch. "Nope they were just brought in by the crew." I nodded staring at the flower.
I assume you're safe up there, thank you for my sign dear. "As it is, you're on now!" They cheered and run out onto the stage, I felt drawn to the corner of the room, I stared at the wall and a smile fell upon my face.
"Thanks for being here, y/n." I grabbed my guitar and ran onto the stage.
Y/n's POV
I watched from the corner of the room as Ben eyed up the white roses, "I assume you're safe up there, thank you for my sign dear." I smiled at his thoughts and watched as he picked up his guitar.
"Thanks for being here, y/n." He could tell I was here, I promise you Ben I'm safe and you're safe too. I'll always watch over you.