harry knows zayn. he knows how the older boy hates the feeling of new clothes, and almost never buys any until it's really needed. he knows that neither of them —or any of their friends— own a flannel in that colour nor that big, and that it's too ragged for it to be new.
he also knows he lost any and every right to ask zayn whose it is. and why he's wearing it. so harry pretends he never saw zayn cross the road. he'll pretend that it isn't zayn passing by. it'll be easier for both of them that way.
except when it happens, harry can't help but stop after a few steps, and look back, just to catch another glimpse of who once used to be his. but zayn's there, too. frozen in place. and harry knows zayn knows it's him. he's so fucking tempted to just walk back and hug zayn, just for a moment if not more. just to remember the feeling.
he doesn't.
harry forces himself to turn around again and start walking. forget what could've been. what should have been. he wraps his arms around his middle, feeling that everlasting sadness again. he shouldn't be sad, it was his fault after all. but fuck, harry really just wishes he had just walked back to zayn and talk to him. he didn't, though.
but zayn does.
when a tattooed hand wraps around his arm, harry freezes. he knows that tattoo all too well, being it the one he helped zayn draw. the tattoo is new though, it wasn't there last time. fuck. why would he do that? doesn't he remember what it is? why they drew it? harry clenches his jaw. he should walk away, save his heart— both their hearts another heartbreak. save themselves the ache. but when zayn's hand is in his... how is he supposed to do anything?
so they stand there in the middle of the sidewalk, holding each other's hand, and neither of them looks at the other. until, zayn pulls at harry's hand and starts walking to wherever he was going, taking harry with him. harry gladly follows after him. fuck, he'd follow zayn to the flames if the boy asked him to. without any hesitation whatsoever. forgetting about his car.
harry expects anywhere, really. anywhere except tesco. zayn's taken him to do the fucking groceries. and if that isn't the most them thing to do, then nothing is. harry almost bursts out laughing. almost. if the weight on his chest hadn't been this heavy, he might have.
zayn makes him drive the cart, while he walks next to him. and harry knows how hard he has to resist to loop his arm through harry's. he knows because he has to do the same. he really just wants to grab zayn's hand and hold it and never let go again.
it's in the cereal isle that harry breaks, but only because zayn grabbed harry's favourite cereal and put it in the cart. he would've stayed silent if zayn hadn't. though maybe he should have thought it through better, because starting a conversation with, "what the fuck are we doing?" might not be the smartest thing to do.
"we're grocery shopping," zayn bluntly says, grabbing coco pops, louis favourite, and dropping them in the cart. "did you not notice that?" he sarcastically asks, looking at harry with his eyebrow raised.
"why are we doing it together?" harry asks, dropping a packet of gummy bears into the cart. zayn drops in another one. and harry knows it's stupid, but they never needed two packets, they do know and it fucking hurts.
"i don't fucking know. i saw you and my mind went blank and all i could think off... was how fucking badly i wanted to do this with you again." zayn's voice goes quiet towards the end.
"fuck you. you always fucking do this. you ask me for space, you walk away, and whenever it comes out best for you, you come back. it isn't fucking fair, zayn," harry grumbles, keeping his voice as low and as steady as possible, so they don't attract any attention.
"i know," zayn agrees, nodding curtly. and well, harry didn't really expect that. fuck, he thought they might fight in fucking tesco before zayn agreed with what harry said. "i'm sorry."
harry doesn't say anything in response. he lowers his head and starts walking again, zayn follows after. they're almost done when zayn's phone rings. "hi, flower." and oh. that's not fucking fair either. zayn doesn't get to just use the pet names he used for harry, for atlas. that's so unfair. "no. m'doing the groceries. no, not alone. harry. no, my friend harry. shut up." he's giggling. god-fucking-dammit. harry's going to cry. "no, to louis'. yeah, you can come if you want. alright. okay. yeah. i'll see you there. bye, love you."
both harry and zayn freeze. zayn's eyes go wide and the phone slips through his fingers. "i just said 'love you', didn't i?" zayn says. harry nods slowly.
"you love him? you met him, what, two months ago and you love him?" harry asks, feeling all messed up. he thought zayn was still in love with him.
"no! no, god, i don't. not like that! it just fucking slipped. oh god. i'm gonna be sick. this is your fault!" zayn cries, blinking rapidly.
"how in god's name is this my fault?" harry says, pointing at himself. honestly, there's no way this can be turned around—
"cause i was looking at you. and i was thinking of you. and you were standing next to me. and i always ended our calls with 'i love you'!" oh. okay. but still not harry's fault.
"you can't honestly blame me for this," harry says, crossing his arms over his chest. but when zayn looks up at him with a pout and tears in his big eyes, harry falters. "don't look at me like that."
"i messed up. he's gonna hate me now," zayn says. harry sighs and wraps his arms around zayn, ignoring the fact that they're in tesco.
"he won't hate you, alright? if he does then he wasn't worthy of you either way," harry reassures zayn. he wonders if it's like this for other exes. if they reassure each other about new love interests. but harry doesn't get to wonder about it for long, because someone pushes past him, making him stumble and in the process of it, zayn fall.
"faggots," the man angrily grumbles as he walks away. harry's about to storm after the man when zayn stops him.
"don't do it," he says. harry looks at the man, then down again at zayn. he sighs and helps the older boy up.
"are you okay?" harry asks, because zayn doesn't really look it. "z?" he says when the boy doesn't answer.
"hm? yeah, fine. sorry. are you?" zayn asks, focusing on harry again. but harry isn't really convinced. zayn's gone all pale and he's shaking.
"you don't look so good," harry states.
"i don't feel so good, either. fuck."
"okay, um, what doesn't feel good?" zayn's silent for a few seconds, making harry's worry rocket. "zayn? say something, please."
"shit, i'm sorry. i'm fine now," zayn says, nodding curtly. he looks a bit better too, but still. harry's worry doesn't subside.
"did you eat today?" he asks. zayn's silent again for a few seconds, pointedly looking away from harry. "you didn't, did you?" still nothing. "when was the last time?"
"friday," zayn mumbles, he grabs the cart and makes his way to the till.
"jesus christ, zayn. that was four days ago!" harry exclaims. a few people glare at him for being loud, but he waves them off. "i thought you were getting help for this!"
"i was supposed to," zayn says, unloading the cart.
"but?" harry prompts, helping zayn. this really isn't a conversation they should be having in fucking tesco, with all these people around.
"but she made me uncomfortable, so i didn't go after the first time," zayn says. he freezes when he looks behind harry, confusing him. harry looks back to and realises it's the same man as before.
"oh. you two poofs again," the man angrily grumbles.
"oi, watch your mouth, yeah?" harry warns, glaring at the man. his blood's boiling already, and honestly, he wouldn't hesitate to punch the man.
"or what? you gonna punch me, fag?"
"haz," zayn mumbles, grabbing harry's arm. "it's not worth it, yeah?" the man barks out a taunting laugh.
"oh look, the stick can talk," he states. zayn blushes furiously, folding into himself self consciously, wrapping his arms around his middle, and looking away.
"will you fuck off, dickhead?" harry angrily says, resisting the urge to punch the man for zayn's sake.
"sir," the cashier calls. "if you're having a hard time treating other customers with respect, we'll have to remove you from the premises."
"heard that, poof? they're going to kick you—"
"i was talking to you, actually," the cashier, whose nameplate says katie, interrupts the man. harry sees zayn smile at her gratefully and he tries to focus on that, instead of his trembling hands and boiling blood. the man grumbles something else, but shuts up after that, and harry turns away from him.
"thank you," zayn softly says to katie. she simply smiles back, scanning their products. harry reaches out to grab zayn's hand, and squeezes it gently.
"that'll be 72 pounds and 47 pennies," katie says. harry's about to pay when zayn pays with his card.
"stop doing that," harry grumbles, putting away his wallet. zayn waves him off and harry rolls his eyes, stuffing everything into a bag. or well, two bags. they both thank katie again and make their way out, harry holding both bags. "we have to walk back to ou— the car. it's parked by the café."
"i'm sorry i keep coming back," zayn quietly says after a while. "it's— it's just hurting us, isn't it?"
"yeah. but i think it's inevitable. we'll always end up where we started, always together in one way or another," harry says. he's thought about it a lot, about how to move on, keep his distance. and in every plan of his, he'd end up back with zayn. "we might as well stop fighting it."
"we can only stop fighting it when we stop fighting each other, though," zayn states, shrugging. and yes, that's true too. harry's thought about that, too. but, well,
"i think that's inevitable, too. think it's just a part of us, y'know," harry says.
"i don't want that to be a part of us. it's fucking damaging and it only makes us sad," zayn grumbles, hugging himself again. harry hates how that makes zayn look. so small and vulnerable.
"do you— if we hadn't had met... would you be different, zayn? like, happier or something. healthier?" harry asks, changing the subject. he doesn't do it on purpose, honestly. but it's just... the question's been bugging him for so long and seeing zayn like— like that again, made it slip.
"no. probably not. worse, if i'm honest. i probably would've been gone before twenty," zayn admits. harry mumbles an oh, staring at his feet. "would you?"
"i think i'm happiest with you, even when i'm sad or in... in moments like this," harry says. zayn looks up at harry and smiles. "hey, zee?" harry says when they finally reach the car.
"hmm?" zayn hums, looking up at harry again while unlocking the car.
"for your sake i really hope it works out with atlas," harry says. zayn's silent for a few seconds, staring at harry, searching for something.
"and for your own?"
"i hope it all goes to shit, so maybe we could try again."
feeling really fucking depressed rn😍