Four more nights passed, each blessing our skies with a Moon shining brighter every time she appeared. Benjamin had been able to slip me some bread here and there and this morning he'd given me another broth. Beckett thankfully seemed to be busy doing whatever he needed to that kept him in the Central Building. Save for if he'd walk in for a regular beer, the odds of Beckett walking into the Dancing Wolf had been very slim the last days.
That also gave me some peace and some time to start preparing for my Ascension. The only problem was, I had no idea how to prepare. I didn't know what was expected of me, or even how I was supposed to reach the Castle. My letter stated that further instructions would be given by my Alpha, but I had heard nothing yet. With the Death Moon dangerously closing in, I was running out of time to figure it all out.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I grabbed my worn-out jacket my mother had left behind, walked out, and headed towards the Central Building, where Beckett was supposed to reside. I hadn't seen it ever since that day when Beckett murdered my family. I had always avoided it, taking detours to not come near it. The humans stayed away from it too, sensing the dangers that hid behind the walls. But as I finally arrived, the building hadn't changed at all since the last time I saw it. I didn't know why a small part of me expected it too--my life seemed to have been the only thing that changed that day.
I stopped in my tracks as the building came into view. It was huge, perhaps even castle-like. I had never seen a castle with my own eyes, but it couldn't be much bigger than this. I supposed it had to be this immensely large, since all the important pack wolves lived here. The outcasts, like me, were left to fend for our own in the streets. Most still lived comfortably in the town, but very few had been assigned to the slums, the bottom of the pyramid.
I remembered the first house my parents and I lived in, near the edge of the town. I had my own room and there were no holes in our roof. We lived comfortably, but when Beckett started meddling in our business, it didn't take very long for our savings to be gone. We fell into poverty and could no longer afford our house in the good part of town. We were forced to reside in the little house I still called home now, and I spent the majority of my life there. But in comparison to life here, in the Central Building, even our first house seemed too small, charming as it was.
It was surrounded by a wall--not too high so the marvels of the building were still very much visible, but just high enough to be too challenging for intruders to climb over without a second thought. The walls were briefly separated by the large gates, made of a metal I couldn't name. The gates were decorated with all kinds of swirls and patterns, and on each side stood a wolf guarding it. No doubt making sure trash like me did not find its way in.
But today, I had to.
I made for the gate, getting a clearer view of the building with each step I took. It was made of a reddish brown stone, honoring the colors of our Fire Moon. The entirety of the walls was laced with ivy that was well tended to, growing wild, but controlled. It had two towers on each side, patterned with little windows and ending in pointy roofs. Between the gates and the building itself waited a gigantic square. It was on this square the challenging happened eight years ago.
The place where my parents died was now right before me. I was close enough to recognize the bush I'd stood next to, and the trees that hid behind me. I swallowed the memories away, trying to keep my anger and my grief from consuming me. This was not why I came here today.
As I reached the gate, I addressed the two wolves guarding it. "I need to speak with the Alpha," I exclaimed. Straight to the point, demanding. Perhaps not the best way to go, but my pride hindered me from coming to them as a begging woman.
The wolf to the left of the gate turned his head at me, hunger and playfulness circling in his eyes. "Do you, now?" he asked, with a dangerous smile. He looked at me like I was prey, a mouse in the wolf's den.
I felt like a weak mouse, too. But I didn't show it to the wolf in front of me --I kept my face stoic, and my stance upright. "Yes. It's about my Ascension."
The wolf looked me up and down as his tongue wet his lower lip. Mocking me or intimidating me, I didn't know. I didn't care either. "I am under strict orders not to let anyone through," he answered, a menacing tone bedecking his every word. "I don't care what it's about."
"This is important. I'm sure you can make an exception. The Alpha would understand," I countered.
His menacing smile grew wilder, contrasting the wolf on my right who had not bothered to even look at me. "My apologies, wolfling. It appears there has been some miscommunication," the wolf offered, and I straightened my back a bit more, preparing myself to enter the center of the pack life. But his words drooped as he continued, "I am under strict orders not to let you in."
I shook my head in confusion. "What do you mean?" Beckett couldn't be serious about this. He couldn't take this away from me, not even he stood above our ancient laws and traditions. He had to realize this.
Then again, I didn't even know why I still seemed to be surprised.
"Are you stupid, wolfling? I meant exactly what I said," the wolf sneered, his menacing grin making room for a more frustrated expression.
My knees began to tremble, in anger, in fear, in all the emotions that were cursing through my veins at this instant. "There must be some mistake. Our Alpha can't refuse to see me this close to my Ascension!" I almost yelled out the words. In the corner of my eye, I saw the wolf to the right raise his eyebrow, still not looking at me.
The wolf I had been talking to grew more frustrated with each syllable that spewed out of my mouth. "And how, exactly, are you going to make him see you?"
That was a good question. How was I supposed to do that? I stood no chance against the two wolves before me. But still, I had to try. I went for it, went for the quick run-through, hoping to slip past them. But I barely made it three steps forward before the wolf caught me by my hand and crushed it in his grip.
I shrieked at the pain that came over me, realizing he had probably broken a finger or two. He pulled me closer, twisting my arm behind my back. "Death Moon honoring bitch," he spat, before twisting my arm, even more, my shoulder protesting in agony. But just when I expected him to go all the way--to dislocate my shoulder and perhaps break a few more fingers, the wolf let go of me at the sound of a commanding voice.
"Enough," Beckett growled. "Her Ascension is coming closer. I can't present a broken wolf on an Ascension, you sunburned imbecile." The wolf bowed his head down low, very low, in response. Like a pup who had been caught by its mother doing something he wasn't supposed to.
Pleased with his submissive subject, Beckett focused his attention on me, the first problem solved fairly easily. He pointed his finger at me before growling again, "What are you doing here? You are not welcome here. Leave."
I refused to move and I stood my ground. I hadn't come here to be knocked down or to be denied. Not this time. "I'm sorry Alpha, but my Ascension letter said I would be given further instructions by you. With the Ascension closing in, I wondered when exactly I could expect those instructions." I looked up at him. I hadn't bowed yet, but I wasn't sure he noticed. I hoped he didn't.
"I will talk to you, whenever I feel like talking to you, filth." He spat out that last word with a threatening tone, trying to diminish me to nothing.
"But-"
Before I could even finish, he growled at me again. "Leave."
Instinctively, my head, my entire being wanted to bow down and submit. My Alpha was ordering me to and kept growling until I did so. But I fought with every cell in my body to resist the urge to lower my head, I needed my questions answered. Beckett had just mentioned he could not present a broken wolf on Ascension, so how much danger was I really in? He couldn't touch me now, he had told me so himself. And after my Ascension, I'd be gone.
His growl became more aggressive, more urging and I had to fight myself even harder to keep straight. "Do not disobey me, you little bitch," Beckett seethed, fury dripping off his face.
I gulped, gathering my courage. "I need you to tell me about the Ascension. I'm not leaving until you do, Alpha." I added that last formality to try to ease his rage, but that one word would do no good against the resistance the rest of me was giving him.
"I will come to get you when it's time to go. Now, leave, before I change my mind and let him have his way," he spoke, nodding his head towards the wolf who had just broken my fingers. But that answer was not enough. I needed to know more, I needed to know what I had to do, and what I could expect. The Sun could burn me before I would give up on this.
So I did not leave, not yet, knowing full well the foolishness of this rash decision. "How will I know it's time? How can I prepare?" I asked, still not giving in to his order.
He didn't answer me immediately. No, he marched towards me, each step stomping his temper into the ground. As he finally reached me, I had not moved a muscle. I would not be intimidated, this was too important to let him win. In one quick movement, he went for my hand the other wolf had just ravaged, and crushed it even more. He took my ring finger and snapped it halfway, so it stood at an awkward angle. I screamed out in pain, but he did not let go. He pulled me closer to him, so I could see right into his eyes. Those brown eyes were covered with red, eyes that would haunt me for days. "I will only say this one more time. I will come for you when it's time to go. That is all you need to know. Now, leave." He spoke those words more calmly than before, and more slowly. Dragging out his infinite domination, one that made me sick to my core.
He was so close to me, I could feel his warm breath caressing my cheeks when he talked. He let go of my hand with such brutality, it almost pushed me to the ground.
He didn't need to warn me again, after that. I was in so much pain and terror, I left as soon as I could. I wouldn't have gotten more information out of him than this, and I needed to go home. My ring finger needed to be set before it would begin healing, otherwise, the process of rebuilding my hands would be that much longer - and even more painful.
I turned around as soon as he let me go and broke out in a run, my untouched hand holding my other wrist, trying to keep my broken bones stable through the running. Tears masked my view and people watched me everywhere I went, but I did not care. I didn't care who did or didn't see me, I didn't care I was crying.
I just didn't care at all.
I didn't know how much or how little time had passed when I arrived at my house. I couldn't remember the way back, the roads I'd taken, or the people I'd seen. Time was a dimension I wasn't aware of at that moment, but I was panting when I arrived, so I must have run for quite a while. I pushed the door open with my good hand, the pain in my other hand still pulsing and spreading through my entire body.
As I closed the door, I lifted my bad hand to assess the damage. It was the first time I had looked at it since it was demolished by the two wolves, but it was in a worse state than I thought. My ring finger was bent sideways from the middle, I had felt Beckett breaking it at the middle joint. I had guessed it correctly earlier when I thought I needed to set that finger before it healed - it was so bent out of shape, it would never heal properly on its own. But my other fingers weren't any better. The swelling and bruising had already begun, so it was hard to tell just exactly what I was dealing with, but the bone was breaching the skin of my smallest finger and the other three fingers didn't look all too well either.
I unlooped my belt, which proved to be a challenge with only one functioning hand, and doubled it before putting it in my mouth. This was going to hurt, and I didn't feel like screaming my guts out or breaking my teeth. I had to do this as quickly as possible and get it over with. But my hand was shaking uncontrollably as if my body knew the pain I was about to cause myself and tried to sabotage me.
I tried calming myself down, to stop my hand from trembling and focused on my breathing. A trick I had picked up over the years, but it proved to be difficult to focus on my breathing in situations like this. In, and out. In, and out. Even my breaths came out shakily. In, and out. In, and out.
Once the shaking had become manageable, I went for it. I would start with my pinky, as I needed to get that bone back in before my skin started to close.
As soon as I pushed my peeking bone back down, a new pain washed over me and I bit down on the leather in my mouth. I kept pushing until my bone felt in line with the rest of my finger--I hoped I had guessed it well. Otherwise, the bone would heal badly and I might end up with dysfunctional fingers. I was already dysfunctional enough as it was.
New tears streamed down my face and soiled the floor. I wiped them away, clearing my view to continue. My hand trembled more, protesting against the wave of pain I was about to cause. Dreading it.
I absolutely dread it, but I knew it had to be done. And it had to be done quite fast, or it would only bring me more pain.
Biting down once more, I snapped the ring finger back in its usual stance, a roar of pain forming in the back of my throat. I had begun sweating somewhere in the process, maybe when I was running back home. But my hair felt soaked, my face too. My entire body was covered in the liquid substance, accompanied by hot and cold flashes that tried to ebb the pain away.
I took the belt out of my mouth and placed it on the table before me. My entire body was shaking and my crying became more intense with every breath I drew. I slowly started to lose control of my own body, my lungs filling refusing to properly fill themselves, my shaking worsening with every second that passed. My legs couldn't hold my weight up anymore and I fell to the ground.
And there I lay, trembling, scared, and in pain. Loneliness hovering over me in a dark cloud, I never felt so alone. The cold that swooned in from the outside air didn't phase me, it didn't even reach me. My voice had left me, I only let out small sobs and screams. I didn't have the courage to hoist myself up, to climb the ladder that stood across the table to reach my bed under the roof. I didn't have the energy to do anything else but lie down on my floor, sobbing and weeping, my own body turning against me with every breath.
I didn't know how long I lay there before the darkness swooped in, but it finally did.
And as I fell asleep, all I could see were those brown eyes, laced with red.