As the evening Sun made room once more for our Moon to appear, my stomach provided the room with angry and empty screams. I hadn't been able to eat today. Getting a stable source of food had always been a struggle. Especially in the first years without my parents, I had the most difficulties adapting to my new life. Food had always been scarce, but I had never needed to worry about my meals myself. And with my parents' execution, the little help we received before vanished as well.
I rarely had enough coin to buy food. My only source of income was when Benjamin allowed me to work in his kitchen, or when he had a little to spare and slipped me some of the precious metal flat cylinders. Though Benjamin wasn't as tight on his money as my family had been, Beckett couldn't grow suspicious and he had his own family to provide for.
The first months alone, stealing proved to be an effective way to get me some food. But now the vendors in the market knew my face–and even if we had some foreign merchants visiting, which wasn't often, my pack members had made a sport out of making my life miserable.
I had tried growing some plants in my house, after I stole some in the nighttime. But especially in the colder months, the plants didn't survive in my cold house full of holes. And after a few farmers had noticed crops were missing–even if the amount of plants that were gone didn't affect them, they'd taken efforts to prevent me from stealing them again.
Another option that remained, was hunting. I had tried it two years ago, when I was at the edge of despair. I hadn't eaten in a week and I thought I was going mad, so in my foolish craze, I set foot in Beckett's woods, Samvartaka. Those woods were forbidden for townsfolk to roam. They were used for his pack members to run freely–and I wasn't considered a part of his pack. Mother had always warned me about those woods, mumbling about how its name was a sign of our Moons not to ever set foot in it. Samvartaka is a remain from our ancient tongue, and mother had always gotten chills whenever she talked about it's meaning: fires of hell.
She never told me why she was so scared of those woods, shielding me from the horrors of our lives as much as she could.
But two years ago, when I was on the brink of insanity, my hunger had taken over. I had never hunted before, so I failed miserably at catching prey and satisfying my belly.
But that didn't mean there had been no hunting that night. Only I had been the prey.
If I closed my eyes, I could still see the two wolves lunging toward me. Both had dark grey fur, the color of ashes after something had been set to flames. But one of them had darker eyes than the other, almost pitch black. Soulless if it weren't for the enjoyment that passed in them.
I had tried running away as soon as I had smelled them out, but by the time I could smell them, the hunt had already begun. They let me run for quite a while as I had gone pretty deep into the woods in the hopes of steering clear of Beckett's wrath.
But it was a game to them, like everything the pack ever did to me was. So, at the very last moment, the wolves caught up to me. Taking away the hope they'd allowed me to have by letting me see the forest's edge within reach.
Their growls as they ripped into me still made me shudder, even now just thinking about it. They went at me as if they, too, had been starving for days. If they would have been actual wolves, I would not have survived. However, our kind keeps our human minds once transformed, so they knew about my healing abilities–however unevolved they may be. The two wolves knew exactly how much they could rip me apart without killing me. They knew when to stop and when to start again. They also left my face and hands untouched, knowing they were about to cause me a lot of scarring that would better remain in places I'd be able to hide.
I could remember every little detail even when I was awake, but the worst was when I was asleep. In my dreams, it felt like it was happening all over again instead of just remembering it. I'd wake up screaming every time. But in the loneliness that I'd find myself in every time, only our Moon offered me sympathy.
This night too, our Moon in the skies offered me consolation while she shone a little bit brighter than the night before. As if to tell me, a few more nights. A few more nights, and then you're free. I often thought about the other packs, about the stories father told me about them.
I had decided I'd join the Life Moon Pack, they seemed the gentlest wolves out of them all. My parents had often told me tales about the joyous travels they had once done to the capital of Life Moon, to get Asumat's approval for their desire for children. They got pregnant shortly after and had me to bless their lives. Life Moon was the only pack that still allowed me to feel connected to my parents.
Life Moon also wasn't involved in the brewing war, and offered me a safe life.
I crossed the room to reach the small table that stood in the center of the small house. When my parents were still here, the table was barely big enough to host the three of us. But for the last few years it had been only me to accompany it. I had kept the three chairs–even if I only needed one, as a reminder of a once brighter time. The chairs had ebbed away the loneliness over time, giving a feeling to this house that people were expected–that I was not alone.
But as I lit the candle that centered the table, I found myself missing that company that never came. I strode to the cabinet that stood against one of the four walls and reached for the letter in the top drawer. It had come in ten Moons ago, the day after the Wolf Moon, delivered personally by one of Beckett's minions.
It was my invitation to this year's Ascension. I kept that letter hidden safely away as it currently was my most valuable possession. A reminder that I would get out of Fire Moon. A promise of the better days that waited ahead.
I sat down at the table and opened the letter, holding it next to the candle so I'd be able to read it while the night's darkness swept over the room. My wolven senses weren't very developed, so I was dependent on candlelight to be able to read in the dark. But next to a human like Benjamin, I was still monstrous.
Honored Wolfling, blessed by Sariranyasa, Moon of Death.
This year, you are given the chance to partake in the Ascension. If you choose to accept our Gift, our Blessed Moons' sacrifices, you shall be expected at the Castle in the Middle where the ritual will take place the night the Death Moon shines brightest. You shall arrive here together with your Alpha at the break of day before the Death Moon.
You are free in your choice to join the Ascension. Should you decide not to participate, you shall remain in your current pack, bound to your human life.
If you wish to take our Gift, further instructions shall be given by your Alpha.
May our Moons bless you and guide you, now and always.
Signed,
Freya, Brysen, Kyriak, Lucienda, Lisa, Joanna, Mika, Beckett, Cailean, Dell, Aven
My fingers hovered over Lucienda's signature. She was Life Moon's Alpha, one of the few women who lead a pack. Her name sounded wise, and kind, and everything Beckett was not.
I held the letter close, as a safeguard, a golden ticket out, before I placed it back safely in the drawer, and got ready for bed. Tomorrow, I'd look for food again. Perhaps Benjamin would be able to slip me something when no one was looking. He'd done it before multiple times, but with Beckett watching me closely for the last few weeks–ever since the Hidden Moon had appeared behind the Sun, I couldn't rely on Benjamin to feed me. It'd pose a very big risk on him. But I'd try, I knew he would too if he had the chance.
As the Sun took me from my dreams, I changed clothes and looked at the new wound Beckett had inflicted yesterday. I had guessed it went deep, so the healing could take a few days. A more powerful wolf would have healed by now, I supposed. But my blood had clotted already, which was a good sign. This would probably not give me a scar if the healing process was going this well.
Nevertheless, I put on one of my mother's old shirts with long sleeves, covering the red mark on my arm. I left the house as soon as the Sun stood high enough for Benjamin to have opened his bar and headed out.
The Sun radiated warmth, but the chills of the soon-to-be Death Moon still lingered. This time of year was always colder, no matter how hard the Sun tried to warm us. The nights were the longest too, our Moon staying up in the sky a little longer every night. The longest night always fell the night the Wolf Moon shone brightest, as if our Moon wanted to honor our people and her Sister Moons for as long as she could.
I could only imagine how liberating it would feel to run as a wolf under our Moon's watchful eye. I longed for that freedom, for the release of letting my wolf out. I had known ever since I was a little girl that I wanted to possess our gift. I used to dream of my wolf, of what it'd look like. Of what I would look like. But every fur I imagined, was as beautiful as the others. As long as I could run and be free, I'd take anything the Moon offered me.
I wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm, while my breath formed clouds when they danced over my lips. I hurried on to reach The Dancing Wolf's warmth as soon as I could. On my way over I passed Gil, who looked at me with the same kindness she usually offered. As if she had forgotten the words she told me yesterday. She probably had and her warnings had hopefully meant nothing. Just an old woman's crazy talk.
It didn't take long for me to reach Benjamin's bar and I swung its doors open. I was greeted with the familiar warm smile that always welcomed me here. Benjamin's company would be the only thing I'd miss about this dreaded town.
"Sari, come in, come in. How has the night treated you?" Benjamin asked, with an apologetic look hidden in his eyes.
"I had a good night's rest, Benjamin. Kind of you to ask," I smiled back at him. Benjamin was a good man, a friend of my father back in the day. He was the only one to stand next to me at the funeral. Everyone else kept their distance, if they even showed up at all. He wasn't able to take me into his home–not with his own family to look after and with Beckett's vendetta against me, but he had looked after me in any way he could.
"So what have you been up to these days? We didn't really get the chance to catch up yesterday and I haven't seen you around much in here," he said, while pouring a beer for one of his regulars. The old nagging men who'd drink themselves to death here smelled like beer already, the nauseating smell of intoxication coming out of their pores. No doubt a remainder of the night.
"Nothing much really," I spoke. "I've been marching around town, sightseeing and all."
"Glad to see you've kept your father's spirit alive, jokester," he chuckled.
My father had always been keen on jokes, he always said even the darkest of times could be brightened up with nothing more than laughter. I blew out a small laugh, complimented by Benjamin's words.
Benjamin's smile faded a little and made space for a more serious, worried look. "I am glad to see you, Sari. I really am," he said as his voice cracked a little. I reached for his arm, giving him a small reassuring squeeze. I'd be okay. I couldn't tell him about the Ascension, not without exposing us, but I wanted him to know that I'd be okay.
"I know, Benjamin. And I appreciate that, more than you can imagine," I whispered. Clearing my throat, not wanting to have a grim conversation to start my day, I continued with a happier tone. "How is everyone doing at home?"
Benjamin rolled his eyes at the ceiling, pondering how he'd answer my question. "Well, everyone is good. Sam is... Sam is growing up. He just turned fourteen weeks ago and he is very vocal about all the hardships he's enduring with his age. He's mostly angry his beard won't grow quickly enough, and somehow blames that on us." He puffed out some air, probably remembering a petty fight he had with Sam one of the past few days. "But if that is the hardest thing we're living with, I'm not complaining."
He looked at my stomach, at my hand pushing it in to cover the sounds it wouldn't stop making. "Still running low on supplies?" he asked, nodding his chin towards the emptiness in my abdomen. I only gave an absent nod in confirmation.
Benjamin left me to myself for a few moments, bringing the freshly poured ales over to the customers that were getting impatient their fix stayed away for this long.
The Dancing Wolf was a very charming bar. A well-maintained building–which was odd this close to the slums, filled with wooden tables and matching chairs. The bar was furniced with some high stools in the same wood, one of which my usual spot.
When he was finished with his clients, Benjamin returned to resume our conversation. "There might be something out back," he mumbled, careful not to be overheard by anyone who paid attention. "Worth taking a look." He motioned his head to the kitchen, where the exit door to the back alley was.
This early in the day, Benjamin did all the work himself, meaning the kitchen was empty. The cook usually came in when the Sun stood at its highest point, when most people would come by for their second meal.
I skipped towards the heavy kitchen door and went straight to the little alley. Waiting for me was a platter with two slices of bread, and a bowl of warm, fresh broth. I hadn't eaten a warm meal in a few weeks now, surviving on that one moldy loaf of bread for the last three days. I stomped away some rats that wanted to join in on my feast and hid the bread slices away in my pocket. I might need to spare it for the days to come, Benjamin couldn't guarantee he'd be able to feed me every day. Even now, he was risking a lot by offering me this fresh broth in his back alley. If anyone saw, if Beckett found out... I didn't dare to think about the consequences.
I picked up the spoon and started consuming the meal before me, its warmth filling me instantly. I ravaged the broth within instants, calming the hunger that came from inside me.
When I was done, I placed the empty bowl back in the kitchen, near the pile of dirty dishes that was already beginning to grow. I replaced myself on my usual stool, feeling more at ease now that I had some food in my system.
I stayed in the bar for a few more hours, enjoying the warmth and company it offered. As the Sun rose in the sky and more people started to come in, I headed back out. In the early hours of the day, the bar was a safe haven. But as the day progressed, the chances of Beckett or one of his minions entering the bar grew exponentially. I didn't take the risk of running into any of them, so I usually left once people started coming in.
I spent the remaining hours of the day in the safety of my house, near the fireplace to keep me warm. I entertained myself by reading one of the books I had stolen from the bookshop a few years back. I never had enough coin to borrow or buy a book, so I resorted to stealing them, and I felt guilty afterwards every time. I had a total of seven books, and I had read each of them multiple times. I got caught the last time I visited the little store, and I now did not dare enter it anymore to get more books.
As I watched the Sun go down, back to meet with the horizon, I reached for one of the bread slices Benjamin had provided earlier today. I would eat half a slice tonight, sparing the remaining bread for tomorrow and maybe even the day after. Benjamin couldn't guarantee another meal and I needed to get through all the days to come–especially with my Ascension so close within reach.
Our Moon shone brightly tonight. I kept track of her cycle–it was a habit that had always comforted me, but even more so since I had received my Ascension letter. Only six more nights before I would leave this hellish life behind. On the seventh night, the Death Moon would appear and my Ascension would finally happen. I was almost there.