Warnings: alcoholic, selfharm, emotional/physical abuse.
"Mrs Shelby?" Mary said at the doorway,
Y/n's eyes focused on the closed window as she walked in a little closer, numbness in her chest, her pale hand placed flat on her pillow.
"Mrs Shelby?" She asked again, seeing her exhausted eyes open, Y/n eventually looked up.
"Are you Well Mrs Shelby?" Mary asked placing her hand on Y/n's head.
"Yes" Y/n mumbled as Mary took a step back lightly pulling the cover back and helping her sit up noticing the empty bottle of vodka on her nightstand.
"I shall get Chef to make you some breakfast" Mary said taking the empty bottle of vodka away, she quickly left the room.
"Alone again" Y/n whispered standing and moving towards the window, pulling back the dark coloured curtains looking out, the gardens covered in fog.
"Lady I hope you don't mind I chose you some clothes, the Master will be back later tonight" Frances said softly.
"Thank you Frances" Y/n whispered moving towards the bed again.
"I will be back in after you've eaten alright?" Frances said Y/n only nodded watching her go.
Half an hour passed before Mary walked in again a large tray of different breakfasts food placed neatly.
"Here you are my Lady, the Master shall be back this evening he has already requested what the Chef will make for dinner, his family will not be joining us this evening" Mary said Y/n thanked her slowly eating.
Mary got to work on getting a bath ready for her.
Y/n barely cleared a quarter of the plate as she placed it down.
"Is it alright if I bathe myself?" Y/n asked, Mary nodded picking up the tray and walking out.
Y/n sighed locking the bathroom door she relaxed in the warm water.
Her lifestyle had never been like this...ever, her Mother gave up all of her children to the work house except her, Polly had taken her in before her Mother had died.
Polly was always at the betting shop, Y/n grew up on her own rarely getting the chance to have a meal when she lived with her Mother, now she had the choice of 3 meals a day and sometimes even more.
A house almost the size of the street she used to live on, their bedroom the size of her old apartment
It was ridiculous, it felt completely empty when the help went home or to bed, she felt empty when Tommy wasn't home which was constantly.
He was never here.
She placed her head back sliding under the water relaxing in the burning heat.
Coming back up gasping for breath, if only she had the will to hold herself underneath and stop breathing.
But alas she didn't, so she hurt herself in other ways...it had become an addition.
Cigarette burns, sometimes using the lighter itself, knives, razor blades anything she could get her hands on to feel something, guns well guns were different Tommy kept them all in a safe even when he was here keeping them from her site and reach.
She knew the life of the peaky blinders but he never allowed her to carry a gun and even if he did well, she wouldn't have the guts to kill herself with it.
Most of the time Tommy was too exhausted to see the damage on her body, even when they did have sex, he rarely noticed anything anymore.
They had lost their emotions thanks to the lives they lead.
"My Lady?" Frances said knocking on the door.
"I shall be out soon Frances, can you help Mary prepare everything for tonight please?" Y/n asked only Mary and Frances knew of her pain, they had seen the bruises where she had hit herself constantly to feel something, or held up a lighter to her skin, or dragged a razor blade across her pale skin...or used alcohol and drugs both of them had seen the state she had been in for months, but even her husband could not notice.
Maybe he didn't want to believe he was killing his wife.
This is how she had gotten away with it, making excuses so they didn't see the extend of it, knowing it would cause them to blab to Thomas.
Y/n pushed herself out of the water changing into the long dress, pulling round a cardigan she got comfortable at her vanity quickly applying make up.
"Would you like me to call the doctor?" Mary asked at the doorway, Y/n looked up.
"No thank you, I am just tired" Y/n said Mary nodded her head lightly helping her do her hair.
"What time did you wake me?" Y/n asked softly.
"11 Lady, I thought you would like to sleep in, it's nearly 2 now" Mary said softly.
Y/n thanked her as Mary helped her stand both of them moving downstairs and into the study room.
Y/n sat down picking up a book she had discarded yesterday and began reading.
"Would you like me to put some music on?" Mary asked.
"Please if you don't mind" Y/n said she only nodded, minutes passed.
"My Lady would you like anything to eat or drink?" Mary asked softly.
"Whiskey please Mary" Y/n said Mary nodded trying not to sigh she poured her a double knowing she would ask for one and placed it on the table.
Y/n thanked her finishing it quickly.
"Anything else my Lady?" Mary asked.
"Maybe some vodka if it's not too much trouble" Y/n said Mary only nodded moving towards the kitchen she brought the bottle with her.
"Thank you Mary, please go relax take the afternoon off if you would like" Y/n said Mary thanked her moving towards the kitchens helping the Chef prepare.
Y/n sat drinking the bottle quickly becoming empty, another two hours passed and it was already 5 o'clock, Y/n looked up as the door was pushed open.
"The Master shall be here soon" Mary said quickly.
"Is his car here?" Y/n asked her voice slow as she spoke.
"It's pulling in now" Mary said softly, Y/n nodded moving to pick up the vodka bottle, Mary quickly moved to take it from her before it fell from her shaky hands.
"I shall bring in some tea and biscuits my Lady" Mary said holding the bottle she quickly disappeared.
Y/n sighed rubbing her forehead she laid back down closing her eyes.
"Hello Mary" Tommy said from the hallways, Y/n felt his voice run through her almost lighting a fire, she was too drunk for this.
Moving towards the backstairs she made her way to the kitchen already seeing a plate.
"Here you are Lady" the Chef said, concern written over his face, knowing it had been like this for months but this was the most drunk he had seen her.
"Thank you" Y/n whispered eating the food quietly, downing the water beside it.
Y/n nodded towards the chef and made her way to the study once again, not seeing her husband she sighed with relief sitting back down, feeling slightly better.
"My Lady?" Mary said from the doorway, she looked up seeing Mary and Arthur.
"Arthur I didn't know you were coming"
Y/n said with a smile, standing up.
"Just popped in heading off again now, just had to finish off some business" Arthur said hugging her.
"There she is!" John said moving past Arthur to hug her, she chuckled hugging him back.
"You both get home safe you hear me?" Y/n asked they both nodded kissing her cheek they walked out heading for the door.
"Where's Thomas?" Y/n asked quickly.
"In his office, tea and biscuits are also in his office" Mary said, Y/n nodded thanking her she made her way towards the large office knocking lightly she heard his voice.
"Hello love" he said softly, Y/n looked up with a small smile seeing the happiness on his face, she tried not to seem surprised as she moved towards him.
He immediately embraced her smelling the alcohol immediately.
"Have you been drinking?" He asked.
"I had some vodka earlier a gift from Esme I believe" Y/n said with a small laugh, Tommy nodded not quite believing her but he hugged her again, placing his chin on her head kissing her forehead.
"Let's sit, Mary said food should be ready in an hour, whiskey?" Tommy asked, Y/n smiled giving him a small nod.
"What have you been up to then for the past month?" Tommy questioned.
"Hardly anything unfortunately" Y/n mumbled, Tommy nodded sitting down beside her his arm moving around her pulling her close.
"You look beautiful in that dress" he whispered kissing her cheek, she felt a spark that she hadn't felt in months, quickly placing her hand over her cheek.
"Love are you alright?" Tommy asked, Y/n quickly nodded drinking down some whiskey.
"I can't wait to take this off of you" he said placing his hand on her thigh, she didn't mean to flinch but the pressure on the cuts that hadn't quite started to heal yet hurt more then she could imagine, being sober sucked.
He looked at her worried as she stood moving towards the window.
"Right what's happened? What's wrong?" Tommy said immediately anger in his voice.
"Nothing Tommy just tired you know me" Y/n said pushing her hair back he sighed placing his now empty whiskey glass down.
"Look if you don't want to talk about it fine then just say that" Tommy said standing.
"Fine then I don't want to talk about it" Y/n said quickly, Thomas sighed moving to his desk chair, Y/n picked up her whiskey glass downing it she walked out towards her study relaxing on the couch again, it had to be a few minutes until Mary walked in.
"Dinner is ready my Lady, it will just be you and the Master I have been called away with a family matter, the chef will be giving me a ride and everyone else has gone home" Mary said quickly, Y/n nodded seeing her coat.
"Be safe Mary, I hope all is well" Y/n said, Mary smiled thanking her and walked out.
Y/n sighed standing up and making her way towards the dining room, Thomas already sat at the top waiting for her, they sat beside eachother and began eating the only noise was the scratch of forks along the plates until Y/n got up pouring herself a whiskey.
"Another?" Tommy questioned, she looked at him her eyes wide.
"You usually drink at dinner why can't I?" Y/n questioned, he only grumbled.
Y/n sat down looking at her half eaten dinner.
"What's wrong?" Tommy asked breaking the silence she shrugged.
"That's enough, you're going to tell me what's wrong or I'm going to get all the staff back here and find out for myself" Tommy spat his hand moving to her cheeks holding her near his face seeing the anger in his eyes, this time she didn't flitch looking at his eyes while his stared into her blank ones.
"Take your dress off" he spat standing up as he pulled his coat off.
"What?" She asked quickly knowing he wasn't drunk enough and the room was way to light he would see the old and new self inflicted injuries and put her in a madhouse.
"Take off your dress, don't make me rip it off you" Tommy said tugging at his buttons, she sighed eventually pulling the cardigan off, seeing his hands stop as his eyes landed on the bruises, burns and cuts on her arms she continued pulling off her dress she kept on her under garments and looked up at him, he could see the full extent of what she had been doing to herself and he just stood there no emotion...nothing.
"Well?" Y/n questioned, his hand moving to her throat he held her against the wall.
"Have you been doing this to yourself?" Tommy spat, his eyes seething.
"Oh now you care?" She questioned as his hand moved to pull her hair.
"When?" Tommy whispered against her lips.
"It's been months, nearly a year" Y/n said his hand dropping, his body against hers.
"I haven't noticed for a full year?" He asked, she only nodded.
"I can't...fuck" he whispered moving back to the table.
"FUCK!" Tommy shouted throwing the plates towards the walls, picking up his chair, he threw it across the room.
"Tommy" Y/n whispered placing her hand on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry" she cried.
"No, go upstairs now" Tommy said, Y/n looked at him wide eyed, picking up her clothes she hurried upstairs hearing him trash the dining room.
Y/n made her way into their bedroom changing into her silk PJ's, getting into bed she waited it must have been 2 in the morning by the time he joined her.
He sat down at the edge of the bed, his bruised hands between his knees.
"I'm sorry Tommy, I...I just wanted to feel something" she whispered tears falling down her cheeks.
"You should have called me" he whispered quietly.
"I couldn't do that to you, I couldn't tell you" Y/n cried pulling her knees up to her chest.
"Come here" he said holding out his hand, she took it and he pulled her into his lap kissing her head as he cradled her.
"I love you alright? I'm sorry I haven't been here but I do love you Y/n" Tommy said his voice full of tears.
"I couldn't feel anything Tommy, I haven't for a long while" she whispered.
"And now?" He asked kissing her cheek.
"And now?" He questioned again planting his lips on her his hand moving to her cheek, laying her back down he hovered on top of her.
"You just need a good time don't you my love?" He asked softly, suffocated by his lips again she gave in.