WARNING: This story contains MAJOR Perky's Buds spoilers. Do not read if you haven't seen Perky's Buds yet.
My germaphobic ass got pretty triggered the first time I watched Perky's Buds so of course I'm writing about it and I just love Paulkins so I had to include Paul
TRIGGER WARNINGS:
-Animal death
-Panic attack
-Basically the same that happened in that one scene but rewritten to include Paul... so yeah
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"We're displeased with your progress today. You'll do better tomorrow," Ezekiel said, hopping off the rocking chair and looking up at the two humans towering over him. "You seem fatigued."
"We've been working nonstop all day, we're tired." Emma looked like she was ready to snap his neck, and Ezekiel took a step back.
"And hungry," Ziggs complained.
Emma smiled, a plan forming. "Yeah. We can't do anything if we're hungry. And wouldn't you know it? There's not a scrap of food in the house."
Ziggs whispered something about chips in her ear, but she cut them off. "We need to go into town to get something to eat. So we can work. No foodie, no workie."
Ezekiel huffed. "This is unacceptable."
"Well, it's gonna have to be acceptable," Emma spat back at the bird. Hell, if there weren't so many of them, she would've killed Ezekiel right then.
"If you leave, you will be tempted not to return. You may seek help. You might bring other humans. With guns. Humans who can aim." Despite him not having a human mouth, Emma was pretty sure he was smiling. "You will never go into town again."
"But-"
Emma was cut off by the roaring of an engine.
Paul.
Paul had been on a business trip, and she'd almost forgotten he was coming home today. This was their chance.
"Paul!" she called out, running for the car. "Paul!" She was desperate, almost tripping over her own feet as she tried to get to the car as fast as humanly possible.
Yanking open the car door. "Paul, drive! He's crazy!"
"Emma? What are you talking about? Who's crazy?"
"Just drive!"
But the flock of birds had already surrounded the car, and Paul put the car in park, not noticing the absurd amount of birds on the farm. "What's going on, Em?"
Emma tried to explain, but nothing more than a frustrated groan accompanied the tears that fell down her face as she spotted Ezekiel coming toward them.
"The birds, Paul! They're high! We have to go!" She lurched for the keys, but Paul held them out of her reach.
"Emma, how high are you?"
"I'm not crazy, Paul!"
Outside the car, Ezekiel ordered his flock to get into the car, and it wasn't long before a stone came busting through the window. Ezekiel hopped inside, careful not to stand on the glass.
"Emma, you didn't tell me we were getting company. I don't think we've met, sir. I am Ezekiel. I speak for this flock."
"Emma, did that bird just talk?"
"Not talk," Ezekiel said. "We speak mind to mind. And now, get out of this vehicle. It'd be a shame if you... left."
A bird flew through the broken window, snatched the keys from Paul's hand, and flew away, into the Witchwood.
"Hey!"
Ezekiel chuckled, looking up at Paul. "And who are you, stranger?"
"That's Paul," Emma sighed. "He's my... boyfriend."
"Hello, Paul, unfortunate that we have to meet under these... circumstances. Now, get to the barn. The house is ours now."
"But we need to eat-"
"We'll take care of it."
They got out, slowly making their way to the barn while Emma explained everything that had happened that day.
Ziggs was already waiting for them inside the barn. "Emma, what do we do now?"
"Birds don't live that long, right? We might just have to wait it out."
"That could take years," Paul spoke up. "And they'll just get children that want more weed."
Emma sighed. "I don't know!"
There was a soft knock at the door, and when Emma opened it, Ezekiel looked up at her. "Dinner's ready."
Suddenly, hundreds of birds appeared, latching onto Emma's body and prying her mouth open. "What are you-" But she was cut off by dozens of birds puking in her mouth. She coughed and struggled, but she couldn't win from that many birds, just closing her eyes as the disgusting liquid went down her throat.
It didn't take long before the birds were done, and they turned to Paul.
Paul backed away, staring in horror at the disgusting liquid pouring from Emma's mouth as she coughed. "I... Please, I-"
But the birds were onto him in an instant, enveloping him in a wave of brown feathers, and Emma could hear his screams as the birds spewed their vomit into his mouth.
When the birds retreated, Paul lay on the floor, his eyes squeezed shut, and white liquid dripping from his mouth.
"Paul?" Emma asked, wiping her mouth as the birds turned to Ziggs despite their protests. "Paul, now's not the time to be a germaphobe."
But Paul was shaking, his eyes closed, and he was on the edge of hyperventilating, wincing as Ziggs got their dinner.
"Paul, hey, look at me." Emma crawled toward him, making sure her hands were clean before grabbing his hand.
The birds flew away, leaving only Ezekiel in the barn, who just looked at them.
Paul let out a choked sob, tears streaming down his face. "Emma, I... I can't, I-"
"Take a deep breath," Emma instructed, using her sleeve to wipe his face clean. "That's good, another one. I'm gonna get you some water, okay?"
She stood up, and luckily, Ezekiel didn't stop her when she walked to the house to grab a cup of water and some hand sanitizer. Hiding a gun under her shirt, she walked back to the barn.
When she came back, Ezekiel was gone, and Paul sat upright against a support beam, still shaking but not as panicked anymore.
"Here," she said, handing Paul the cup of water, which he downed almost instantly.
With Paul calmed down, Emma turned to Ziggs. "Ziggy, you okay?"
Ziggs nodded, they looked miserable and tired, but not as shaken as Paul.
Emma stood up, taking the gun and flicking off the safety.
Ziggs looked at her. "What are you doing?"
"Putting an end to all this. I'm going to find Ezekiel."
With that, she left the barn and went to look for the bird, who she found on the rocking chair again. He lifted his wings in surrender when he saw her approach, the gun in her hand.
"Be careful, Perky. If you kill me, the other nighthawks will be... displeased. They might even kill you."
"I don't care. Don't you see how this is fucked up? We can't just work all day, and have you considered humans follow a different diet than you birds?"
Ezekiel seemed to consider her words. "What do you propose?"
"I'm not agreeing with you on anything, you're a dumb bird!"
She fired a shot, and the bullet hit Ezekiel in his wing. He howled in pain. The other birds got scared from the gunshot, and fled into the woods.
"Come back here!" Ezekiel yelled, but his flock was gone.
Emma aimed again, and this time killed Ezekiel.
Walking back to the barn, Emma sighed. "For such a small animal, he sure caused a lot of problems."